Can Anyone give me advice!
 

Hi all.

I have taken ages to talk about this and please forgive me if I rattle on a bit.
About 5 years ago my wife's drinking changed from being a few drinks at a party or night out to drinking until she was almost comatose.
The change took place when she was given a new role at work which involved flying to London each week for a day. I would pick her up at the Airport on her return and she was always drunk.Then she started missing the plane and returning the following morning. Whenever I asked what had happened it was always the airlines fault.
She then started going out with friends every Friday and I was regularly wakened at 3 or 4 am by taxi drivers to remove her from the cab. If I made any remarks about her state I was told to shut up and mind my own business.
I then noticed that bottles would dissapear from the drinks cabinet and she would say that my son had taken them.
I would find bottles hidden all over the house and she always left the credit card receipts for booze where I would see them.
My work involved working late at night and she was usually in bed when I came home but then she would be lying in a chair with a glass in her hand.
At functions she would be totally outrageous one minute and then collapse in a chair or on the floor.
I tried to talk to her but she would just become very angry and abusive.
In Feb of 2002 she was caught drunk driving 3 times over the limit
and was banned for a year. Her employer stood by her and reasigned her which involved more trips.
Foolishly I had a word with her employer and explained the position as I saw it,but her boss had already sussed out what was going on.
The drinking just became worse.I found her drinking one morning before she left for work and weekends were a nightmare. I lost count of the number of times Police or complete strangers would bring her home.
In June 2002 I decided to tell her that if she did not seek help I would leave her.Her boss spoke to her after she had been involved in an incident at work.When she realised that I had spoken to her boss she went ballistic.
She promised she would get help and her boss arranged for her to attend the Priory Clinic. It lasted two weeks before she convinced them that she did not have a problem.
I decided the to move out of the house.thinking it would shock her into seeking help. I continued to pay all the household bills and the mortgage although she was earning double the amount I was.
I continued to see her but every time I arranged to take her for dinner etc she arrived drunk. She even fell off her seat at the Theatre one night and I had not seen her have one drink!
Just before christmas her mother died. This set off even worse binges and she became completely depressed.
My son would phone me regularly to come to the house and help put her to bed.
She still phoned and asked me to come home but always said that she could stop drinking herself and did not need any help.
Her friends had deserted her by this time and she was spending more time at home by herself or spending drinking weekend with her sisters. When I asked them for help I was accused of exagerating the problem. Even when my son told them what was happening they did not believe him. They said" if she wants a drink then let her have a drink. Don't take away her dignity". I'm afraid her dignity had long gone by this time.
In April of this year she bought a new car which my son realised had been registered and insured in his name. I knew that because of her blood/alcohol levels when she had been banned she would have to pass a medical examination. With the amount of booze she was drinking I knew that she could not possibly have passed.
I asked her and by her reaction to the question figured out that her license had been refused.
I pleaded with her not to drive the car but she said she needed it for work and she was going to drive no matter what I said. She had been giving my son driving lessons and had drven the car with young children in it.
I took the keys from her and disabled the car.
She managed to go to work every day until my son phoned one Monday morning to say that she was drunk and had a key for the car and was going to drive to work.
I went to the house and found her lying on the bedroom floor at 9am.
I said tht if she drove the car I would report her to the Police and managed to get the keys from her.
In June I had enough and when she attended a wedding abroad I moved back in to the house and moved all her belonging to her sisters house.
While she was away I discovered that she had been having an affair and instead of being at her sisters house was actually staying in a hotel with a man.
I found her Mobile Phone bill which was for £550 for a month and the house bill was £300 for a month.As well as phoning this guy she was Texting another guy she had met in London 350 times at all times of the night.
I was totally destroyed to think that I had spent all my time and energy in trying to help and she had been messing about all the time.
Anyway in Oct our house was sold and we are now legally separated. She lost her job and has not worked since.
She is now living on her own.

The problem now is that she phones every day and asks me to take her for lunch or dinner and like a fool I always go. Every time without fail she turns up drunk or somehow gets drunk without me seeing her drink anything.
When I try to end it she cries and tells me that I am the only one who knows the truth about her and she needs me although she dosn't love me. I still love her very much and it is destroying me to see her like this.
I feel so sorry for her and would love to see her recover but I don't think me seeng her and bailing her out is helping her but I am afraid of what might happen if I refuse to see her and she ends up in serious trouble.
When she is drunk a herd of Elephants could run over her and she wouldn't care. I am scared that when she is in this state that she will be raped or even worse.

But I need to get on with my own life.

What is the best thing to do?

I think you answered yourself-- You need to get on with your life..
How old is your son? Who is he living with.
However, From what I read, you have put up with WAY more than is necessary!
Other people with more experience will be along to help you more than I can, but I think it took a lot to move her out, and you did the right thing.

Hi DenMac,

Welcome! You are in the right place.

I am certainly sorry to hear the pain and suffering youre experiencing. I know it well. To answer your questions of what should you do....my answer is, and you may not understand or like it is.........................

TAKE CARE OF Y-O-U!

Your mental health
your spiritual health
your physical health
your emotional health


She is an alcoholic. That means she is suffering from a physical, mental and spiritual disease. A true disease. There is no cure. You didnt cause it, no one did or does, and most importantly you cannot control it. What does this mean? It means there is nothing, and I repeat NOTHING that you can do to keep her from drinking,,,,and any consequences that come with it,,such as falling down, drunk driving, harming herself or another harming her. Its just that simple.

You cannot, and more importatntly SHOULD not prevent those harmful events from tocuhing her. That would be called ENABLING her disease. When we try to prevent the natural consequences from hurting the A, we are preventing them from faceing thier alcoholism. She must be held accountable for her choice to drink, only in that way will she become, hopefully, aware of her illness.

What you can do, it what you must do, in order to survive this hellish disease. Sounds like you made a start already in detachment, by physically leaving an unacceptable situation. Now, you need to learn how to take care of you in the way I mentiones above. First, get to an al anon meeting. Fast! You will meet/hear of people who have been in your exact shoes,,,yes, exact. You will hear how theyve learned to cope with things and find happiness, yes happiness, whether the A is drinking or not.

Alanon has saved my life, in more ways than I can count.
In the meantime you have all the love and support of people here on this forum, and we welcome you to come and vent, dump, cry, laugh,,whatever,,,!

This too shall pass,,,,,,and better things are to come,,,I promise!

Thanks For your support.
My son is 22 and when the house was sold I set him up in a flat of his own. He dosen't have any contact with her now although I have told him that he should try and help her. I think that she has still not realised how much he was hurting throughout the years and how it has affected him. I hope that one day it might dawn on her and they make up.

Dear Christina,
I promised myself that I would never cry again over all that has happened over the past 5/6 years. That promise has just been broken but I am not crying the sad tears of the past but tears of joy in that someone has agreed with what I am thinking. I thought that I was being cruel if I deserted her when she tells me she needs me but I know the truth is I am being used as a crutch and just something to hide behind.
A new day dawns tomorrow!
Much Love
Denis

Welcome Denis,

Please read the power posts at the top of the naranon and alanon boards here. There is a lot of information there that will make you feel better about your decisions.

Hugs,
MG

Oh Denmac....you're a good person. Never, ever let anyone deny this.

You have made the right decision. Come to these forums - there are a lot of people here who understand. Thank you for sharing your pain - maybe that's the first step towards your ultimate happiness, you never know :)

I need support
 

I am dealing with a difficult A mother and need help.

Mother is eighty, and she and I are the only ones left in the family, which at times temporarily creates for me the erroneous thinking that I am responsible for her life, which is crazymaking for me, since as we know, the only way for us to sanely deal with the alcoholics in our families is to realize that we are not responsible for their drinking or their lives.
The immediate problem today is mother's driving and her habit of turning family members against me. We were going to my cousins awhile back for the day, and her driving frightened me. I was a passenger. She flew over railroad tracks without slowing down, going about forty, and went off the road onto the curb, and hit my car and knocked her fender off backing out of her driveway as the trip began, all in the same day. Admittedly, I became upset. This was the first time I was confronted with this problem, and I reacted badly with no preparation. But now, she is trying to use my reaction as a weapon against me to ensure that I do nothing to endanger her freedom to drive. She has run to my cousins and told them all about everything I said to her when I was upset, and now they all think I am terrible for being so mean to an old lady, a widow who has lost her husband and two children, and my mother. My cousin excluded me from Mother's birthday party, and that is ok, but now everyone expects me to eat Christmas dinner with her. I vascillate between duty to Mother and duty to myself. I really don't want to eat Christmas dinner with this woman, I think it would be unpleasant for me, but I don't want to upset Mom. Also, there are the children to consider. My children and hers are cousins. I don't want to alienate their ties with each other or mine with my cousins, her son/ Any ideas?
I am thinking no dinner, let all them get together and the kids get together, but I will stay away. I will miss my cousin, her son that way, but I don't know if that is a big enough deal to be miserable myself over. I could get with Mom at another time during the day. What do you think?

Love,
Nancy

Denmac,

You have done the right thing by leaving a very unacceptable situation. She knows that you wil help her that is why she wants tro keep you in her life. She is emotionally manipulating you by what she is saying and doing. She is just using you to prevent herself from crashing.

Now it is time for you to move on and work on detachment away from her. She needs to walk her own path.

Ngaire

DenMac,

Think of this as your God Box for today. Someone shared this concept a few weeks ago - You write down those things that you are carrying and cannot let go of, then put them in a box for your Higher Power to take and handle. Your HP will take them from you, won't give them back without you asking (or taking them yourself) and will carry them without complaint. I've tried it and it works for me.

You wrote it all down, it's here in black and white, now let it go for today (at least) and give it to your Higher Power. Do something nice for yourself today - something that you haven't done in a long time because you have been too tired from carrying all of this with you.

You are on the road, and there are many travelers with you (just look around).

Wishing you peace for today.

Petunia

Thanks Myles and Petunia
 

Thanks so much, Myles and Petunia for responding and being here for me. Sometimes it feels like everyone is there for her, but not for me. I will probably go on and go to the dinner, although it feels good to know I could say no. Yet, I believe it is best not to react to the cousin's passive aggressiveness, but to go on and just have my day on Christmas eating the big midday meal with my mother and my children, her grandchildren, as I normally would. If mother wants to have it with the cousin and us all get together to eat with my cousin ok. I realize now the cousin only has the power to make me miserable if I give her the power. No one can make me miserable. I run on Higher Power energy. I can be happy as want, enjoy my day, enjoy my kids. I have that right. I also have some good friends. Thanks.

Nancy

You have been deeply affected by alcoholism. The cure is Al-Anon. You need to go to Al-Anon meetings, find a sponsor, and work the 12 steps of Al-Anon.

I pray you do.

Alanon will help both of you Denmac, and Nancy. They use a little trick in alanon called the 'THREE C's'

I didn't CAUSE it
I can't CONTROL it
I can't CURE it

Detachment with love is not easy to do, but with the love and support from other alanon members, it IS do-able.

Good to see you both on this forum, you have come to a great place for support.

Thanks folks
 

I appreciate the advice. I think that I will take you up on it. I will keep you posted.

Love,
Nancy

To Avie G.
 

Dear Avie:

Mother and I are getting along ok right now. The reminders of I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it, not necessarily perfectly said, are very helpful. When I love her the way she is instead of the way I think I want her to be, it works so much better.

Thanks.

I was looking back at this post, and I notice how pretty the avatar is with the Christmas ornaments. Also, I notice you are from UK. I have a friend on another forum who sent the most beautiful card from the UK. I realize I am utterly ignorant about the geography and culture of the UK. Can you enlighten me a little?

Love,
Nancy

image credit to www.anniereb.com

The best thing to do is go to Al-Anon meetings.

Simple. Do it, and you'll be glad you did.

We understand.

You are all certainly in the right place. Please consider yourselves hugged by this big ol momma. I cannot offer advice...yet I have shoulders that are just perfect for a head to rest on and arms that long to give hugs. :)

Al-Anon
 

Dear Marce,

I have a question for you. Does ACA, or adult children of alchoholics fall under Al-Anon basically?

Love,
NAncy

It is also a 12 step group with a little more specific focus than alanon... but same principles. We have an ACA forum right here!

More on Al-anon
 

So, if I belong to ACA, do I need to belong to Al-anon, or is that an individual, personal judgement call?

LOL.
Nancy

picture by www.anniereb.com