My ABF is making me crazy I FEAR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
My ABF is making me crazy I FEAR
My ABF is making me crazy
I am a divorced woman, three happy kids, I am 42 years old. Darn the luck, fell in love about 6 months ago with an alcoholic who was amazingly good at hiding his addiction. He admits he drinks too much, and has been doing so since he was about 17. (he is also 42) Very good looking, charming, charismatic, hilariously funny man, who I fell for instantly. He, after about 4 months, couldn't really hide it anymore. I thought it was strange how hard he fought to go to the bars alone, without me or anyone, 3-4 times a week. it was my first experience with anyone that chose the bar/alcohol over me. I have never really been a drinker. Don't really like it. He started needing more time away from me. I was suspicious about another woman. come to find out, yep... there was an ex- he was seeing again, AND to make things worst, also drinking more. He has broken up with me several times ( after yelling for about 3 hours and drinking about the same amount of time) He does a vanishing act, for about 2-3 days...HURTS like HELL. BTW... do nothing but worry and feel sorry for myself. FEEL quite abandoned. AND now, after he has done this vanishing act a few times, I have serious anxiety- I MEAN SERIOUS anxiety- he will abandon me again. We fight about 50% of our time spent together. He yells, I cry, I apologize, and admit I ****** it up again. BUT after he sobers, of course, he is sorry. after he vanishes, he, of course is sorry. I can't trust him, have found many messages from other women on his phone, and just recently found out about a secret TWTR account that has some porn ladies "following' him. Grosses me out. SO NOT my lifestyle, and I have to ask...? who am I? that I would date someone that behaves like this. I know I am addicted to his behavior, and it makes me sick. I want out. I love him, and have not found the strength to leave. WHAT is wrong with me. I have always been so so so so strong!!! Typing in tears, feeling crazy about admitting this to you all, and to self.
I am a divorced woman, three happy kids, I am 42 years old. Darn the luck, fell in love about 6 months ago with an alcoholic who was amazingly good at hiding his addiction. He admits he drinks too much, and has been doing so since he was about 17. (he is also 42) Very good looking, charming, charismatic, hilariously funny man, who I fell for instantly. He, after about 4 months, couldn't really hide it anymore. I thought it was strange how hard he fought to go to the bars alone, without me or anyone, 3-4 times a week. it was my first experience with anyone that chose the bar/alcohol over me. I have never really been a drinker. Don't really like it. He started needing more time away from me. I was suspicious about another woman. come to find out, yep... there was an ex- he was seeing again, AND to make things worst, also drinking more. He has broken up with me several times ( after yelling for about 3 hours and drinking about the same amount of time) He does a vanishing act, for about 2-3 days...HURTS like HELL. BTW... do nothing but worry and feel sorry for myself. FEEL quite abandoned. AND now, after he has done this vanishing act a few times, I have serious anxiety- I MEAN SERIOUS anxiety- he will abandon me again. We fight about 50% of our time spent together. He yells, I cry, I apologize, and admit I ****** it up again. BUT after he sobers, of course, he is sorry. after he vanishes, he, of course is sorry. I can't trust him, have found many messages from other women on his phone, and just recently found out about a secret TWTR account that has some porn ladies "following' him. Grosses me out. SO NOT my lifestyle, and I have to ask...? who am I? that I would date someone that behaves like this. I know I am addicted to his behavior, and it makes me sick. I want out. I love him, and have not found the strength to leave. WHAT is wrong with me. I have always been so so so so strong!!! Typing in tears, feeling crazy about admitting this to you all, and to self.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Don't feel crazy, if you stick around a little bit, you'll see the same story over and over again. The circumstances are a little different, but the message is the same.
The thing I have found is that I really analyze my feelings a lot after visiting this forum. I ask myself important questions like what do I want and deserve from a relationship?? I know I am an honest, caring, giving, reliable, responsible, smart, witty, attractive individual who needs to be stimulated by someone who does something other than act like a child and drink and be enabled by his momma. I am giving up on the illusion that my ABF will be someone other than who he is. It is taking time, and that is fine with me right now. You just really need to examine why you are allowing yourself so little fulfillment in a relationship, you know!!
There will be lots of other people who will quickly respond to you with much greater wisdom and advise than I can offer. You sound like a smart woman! Read around a bit and you will be amazed!! I know I was by the similarities I shared with so many others. SR has made me feel not so alone, as I do in my current relationship. I might as well be having a relationship with a rock!
Welcome and good luck in your journey.
The thing I have found is that I really analyze my feelings a lot after visiting this forum. I ask myself important questions like what do I want and deserve from a relationship?? I know I am an honest, caring, giving, reliable, responsible, smart, witty, attractive individual who needs to be stimulated by someone who does something other than act like a child and drink and be enabled by his momma. I am giving up on the illusion that my ABF will be someone other than who he is. It is taking time, and that is fine with me right now. You just really need to examine why you are allowing yourself so little fulfillment in a relationship, you know!!
There will be lots of other people who will quickly respond to you with much greater wisdom and advise than I can offer. You sound like a smart woman! Read around a bit and you will be amazed!! I know I was by the similarities I shared with so many others. SR has made me feel not so alone, as I do in my current relationship. I might as well be having a relationship with a rock!
Welcome and good luck in your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
6 months into a relationship and you have googled and found SR! Try 23 yrs! (like me) Can you spend the next 22.5 years in your current relationship going round and round in circles in a relationship that is ok 50% of the time? Can you spend the next year going round and round in circles in a relationship that is ok 50% of the time? What a waste of a year that will be.
You know this man is no good for you and you know that you have to get out of this relationship and move onto someone who is more deserving of your company - just do it!
Hopefully, if you stick around and keep reading, you will come to realise that you have found SR just in the nick of time before you waste any more time on someone who is going to take you nowhere.
You know this man is no good for you and you know that you have to get out of this relationship and move onto someone who is more deserving of your company - just do it!
Hopefully, if you stick around and keep reading, you will come to realise that you have found SR just in the nick of time before you waste any more time on someone who is going to take you nowhere.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
I am sorry you are hurting. I relate to your story -- dealing with an ABF who hid his alcohol issues quite well in the beginning. I too struggle with loving someone who is everything I ever wanted when he's sober and then everything I don't (in his case: anxious, loud, disrespectful, annoying, etc. etc) when he's not. Mine will act inappropriately and then spend the next day pleading for forgiveness and promising to change.
The second one hasn't truly happened yet. I'm finally getting that actions speak way louder than words.
The second one hasn't truly happened yet. I'm finally getting that actions speak way louder than words.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh lord, do I know where you are. I totally understand, could have written your post at a few points in my life. I cannot answer your questions about you; I can only share what I learned about me. One thing that comes to mind immediately is the idea of Want. I found myself in this same situation, unable to Let Go, because I was so focused on Wants (and earlier, on what I thought I Needed). Turns out none of those things were necessarily and that the longing for what I wanted was what kept me stuck.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I feel your pain, and, I am sorry, however, I feel that you have made a very bad choice, this man will continue to bring you nothing but heartache.
Your children should not be exposed to a toxic individual, an alcoholic. In addition to that they see and hear everything, when you are begging him to come back, when you are distraught, they see that, they feel it....even if they don't verbalize their upset, it is there festering inside them, and, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.
Think about the impact you are having on your children, how your display of weakness is
affecting them....don't you want to set a good example for them...I believe that you do.
Read all the stickies on this and the substance abuser forum, get to meeting, learn all you can about codependency...as you are codependent...get your priorities back in line, do what is best for your children...your abf is an adult, this is his issue to resolve, not yours.
Your children should not be exposed to a toxic individual, an alcoholic. In addition to that they see and hear everything, when you are begging him to come back, when you are distraught, they see that, they feel it....even if they don't verbalize their upset, it is there festering inside them, and, they will carry their childhood into adulthood.
Think about the impact you are having on your children, how your display of weakness is
affecting them....don't you want to set a good example for them...I believe that you do.
Read all the stickies on this and the substance abuser forum, get to meeting, learn all you can about codependency...as you are codependent...get your priorities back in line, do what is best for your children...your abf is an adult, this is his issue to resolve, not yours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Turns out none of those things were necessarily and that the longing for what I wanted was what kept me stuck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
I keep hearing the same story, I am a smart woman... I believe in research-especially the sociological kind... LET's get out together, and compare stories. 
HUGS to you... I am finalizing my relationship. I love this forum. Also, I have made an appt. with a counselor who specializes in ALANON. I feel empowered.
HUGS to you... I am finalizing my relationship. I love this forum. Also, I have made an appt. with a counselor who specializes in ALANON. I feel empowered.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Could have written this identical post years ago. The confusion and self doubt it causes are pure hell. Codependency counseling and Alanon are a good idea. Had I known all the signs in the beginning (and I thought I knew a lot) I would have saved myself a lot of grief. The lies, manipulation, infidelity, excuses, and mood and personalty changes that go along with addiction are mind boggeling. My ex ABF was so charming and charismatic when I met him. All I could think of was how nice it was to meet someone so sensitive. I am an educated and smart women but am embarrassed to say how many excuses I ended up believing. I found I was no match for years of learned behavior from an addict who knew how to cover his addiction so well. There were always ex's somewhere in the background who he could run to when things got bad with the current one. Now I know why he had so many so called women "friends". I'm sorry you're going through this hell- and it is hell. My ex ABF died from alcohol and even at the end when he was getting really sick was still trying to suck me back into the insanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by tabatha
I found I was no match for years of learned behavior from an addict who knew how to cover his addiction so well.
Welcome to the forum!
CLMI
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 15
I'm sorry you're dealing with so much, Ellensburg, and I hope you'll find some relief soon.
I've felt the same way, so many times, for years now. Many times I've caught myself saying, "I'm turning into a crazy person! What is wrong with me?!" - out loud but to myself
Only very, very recently have I started to realize that my AH isn't driving me crazy, I'm driving MYSELF crazy! I've been "stuck" in flawed & unhealthy patterns for a long time. It wasn't until I really started researching alcoholism, reading as much as possible, and seriously considering Al-anon that I began to see things a little more clearly.
I have a long way to go, and a lot of work to do on myself, I know that. I've only made the first baby-step on the path to healing, but at least I finally took that first step.
You and your children deserve better, Ellensburg. I hope you'll continue to work on yourself.
I've felt the same way, so many times, for years now. Many times I've caught myself saying, "I'm turning into a crazy person! What is wrong with me?!" - out loud but to myself
Only very, very recently have I started to realize that my AH isn't driving me crazy, I'm driving MYSELF crazy! I've been "stuck" in flawed & unhealthy patterns for a long time. It wasn't until I really started researching alcoholism, reading as much as possible, and seriously considering Al-anon that I began to see things a little more clearly.
I have a long way to go, and a lot of work to do on myself, I know that. I've only made the first baby-step on the path to healing, but at least I finally took that first step.
You and your children deserve better, Ellensburg. I hope you'll continue to work on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 37
I am going through the same thing right now but I am almsot 3 years in.....and I started doubting myself a long time ago because of my ABF's past.....him going thru a loss etc. Well, it's only gotten worse.
He makes me feel crazy. blames everything on me. REALLY makes me feel like crap.
And whats so bad, we live together, I have a 8 yr old son, and it's not so EASY to just LEAVE. it's like we are married without the paperwork. We have allot invested together financially, and I can't just leave and get stuck.
he has me so low right now, I feel awful. I have read some wonderful responses on my original post. They have really got my mind going and thinking about my easiest way out.
Good Luck to you! You are not alone in this. I felt like I was the only one in the world probably going thru this, and even doubted myself so much that there for a while i thought it was really me, and according to him it is me! I am reading more & more on here everyday and learning new things to help me see it is NOT me! He needs help!!
Just run before you get more involved like I have done! PLEASE. Good luck, and hugs to ya! stay strong
He makes me feel crazy. blames everything on me. REALLY makes me feel like crap.
And whats so bad, we live together, I have a 8 yr old son, and it's not so EASY to just LEAVE. it's like we are married without the paperwork. We have allot invested together financially, and I can't just leave and get stuck.
he has me so low right now, I feel awful. I have read some wonderful responses on my original post. They have really got my mind going and thinking about my easiest way out.
Good Luck to you! You are not alone in this. I felt like I was the only one in the world probably going thru this, and even doubted myself so much that there for a while i thought it was really me, and according to him it is me! I am reading more & more on here everyday and learning new things to help me see it is NOT me! He needs help!!
Just run before you get more involved like I have done! PLEASE. Good luck, and hugs to ya! stay strong
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by Ellensburg
lol! YES! I am out the door as we speak. Subscription cancelled.
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