seek

Family in crisis at the moment (written all over this board!) - I am wondering how to deal with the lies without becoming a scapegoat . . .

The dynamic is the problem drinker lies like crazy about everything. If you question him, he gets rageful and acts out . . .so it's like people are trained not to challenge him, even when a known lie is being told.

How do you react to this kind of behavior in a healthy way?

They say to hate the behavior not the person . . .how do you continue to show love to someone who lies compulsively? And should you acknowledge the lies (that's the part that feels tricky to me).

Thank you

m1k3

Why do you need to confront them about their lies?

I don't know what you are trying to accomplish so it's hard to share experience.

Your friend,

seek

It is a family crisis. Something bad happened and we are all reacting and trying to come to terms with stuff we didn't know, deal with current crisis (lots of stuff - sorry so vague). I am a fixer - that I am . . . but I am trying to not enable - it is a fine line.

The history has been that the person, who is a teenager, has a pattern of lying - my own personality is that I believe what people tell me - I don't assume they are lying - so I am just confronting this with him and coming to terms with the lies - I know in the past, when I have challenged him on certain things he has said that I know are lies, he gets aggressive, so I have always just backed down because "what's the point?" But in doing that, he has continued to be able to lie - the family dynamics are complicated, of course.

He seems to lie to everyone about everything - what is different now, is that for the first time, some of us who haven't communicated with each other are talking and comparing stories - I know this would make him livid and I am personally scared of losing him because of it (I know that is not healthy, but that is how I feel). I have always felt that he could not be backed into a corner . . .

So, as I am typing this, I guess my answer will be to not deal with him much, if at all, and not to believe the lies - but I also probably won't confront him and that is the piece that feels like collusion - so I wanted to get some insight into the issue of lying and how to deal with it in a healthy way (what a healthy response might be).

Thank you

dollydo

"You are lieing to me, and, I am not interested in listening to your nonsense any longer".

If you need to go no contact then do so.

I believe that you are obsessing about all of this. Are you going to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More, it is a good starting point, you are codependent, might be time to do something about it.

Thumper

I have come to the conclusion that I do not have to confront people. It doesn't get me anywhere and it doesn't matter. I act based on the truth as I know it. Period. No reason to argue with anyone. I am a talker. I want to talk until I am at least understood and validated and would be great if everyone just drank my kool aid and got on board with my wisdom. Never happens though! I quit talking and find it fascinating - how little really needs to be said. Partly I needed to start believing my own truths. Mostly I need to just stay on my side of the street do to speak.

seek

Yes, I have read that and a lot of other books on the subject. Yes, I am "co-dependent" (I think we are all inter-dependent on each other, as a species). I am not obsessing at the moment, just coming to terms with "what is." Just wondered what the wisdom was/is on lying.

vujade

I have only dealt with adult liars. I'm sure if this teenager is your son, you are feeling some need to parent. If he's not, it is a perfect reason for you to give yourself permission to not parent him.

At any rate, how I dealt with my participation in the craziness of lying is that I asked myself what I hoped to gain from continuously confronting the liar. I knew he wouldn't give it up and more importantly, I already knew he was lying...and so did he. If I was in a situation where I HAD to confront it for some reason, I would tell rather than ask.

So the dialogue was something like this:

Me: You have been drinking and you may not come over.
Him: I have not been drinking!
Me: I am not asking you if you've been drinking. I know that you have and because of that, you may not come over.

Then I ended the conversation. That was very different than me asking "Have you been drinking?? Because you can't come over if you've been drinking." when I know good and well he was drunk. Then it just set up the lie and the ensuing confrontation. In addition, it didn't put me in a position where I had to "back down" because I never got riled up and confrontational in the first place. If nothing else, it sure made me feel a whole lot better.

All of that being said, I also chose not to have any conversation at all if it wouldn't make a difference. If he wasn't coming over...then why bother addressing it at all? Then it just becomes a control/nagging situation...followed closely by the illusion of being able to fix things and make him understand how hurtful lying is. Believe me, they already know that. The active addict just truly doesn't care. LOL

Learn2Live

When I discover someone close to me is a liar, I don't believe them anymore. And then, I take action to distance myself from them. I've never found success confronting a person about their lies. People who lie live in a wholly different reality than I do. It is very difficult to have any semblance of a relationship with people with such gaping differences from me. Those people literally make me sick, dysfunctional, and crazy. I choose not to live that way. If you lie, I have no room for you in my life.

choublak

There is no healthy way to react to this, really. Reacting would just be adding more fuel to the fire.

seek

Thank you. I got some good advice and validation of what I thought. Love the role modeling example - very good, thank you!

seek

To the poster who said I am posting all over the board: I think I said I am in crisis and my family is in crisis. I thought this was a safe place to process. I didn't know there were any rules or judgments about excessiveness. I would think you could just not respond if it isn't your cup of tea.

Learn2Live

I personally didn't see any posts all over and missed any post that said you were posting all over, but anyway, it's okay Seek, you can post as many times as you want. They just ask that we not post the same post on different forums. At least, that's what I think the rules are. Hope you're feeling better soon, soon out of crisis mode. Please, don't forget to BREATHE (literally).

seek

Thank you. I was holding my breath!

Learn2Live

Haha Seeeee? I do that ALL the time! (I actually noticed it's something my parents do but then I started doing yoga and that's how I learned we need to make sure we are aware of our breath) don't forget! it's important

seek

Thank you!

Learn2Live