He's gone, now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
He's gone, now what?
My kids are happier, I'm happier. But now what? I went to a lawyer and cannot afford him because AH took all the money out of the joint accounts leaving me with $200. I have food for me and the kids and the bills are paid so far. I guess tomorrow I'll go to DHHR and apply for assistance? Any other advice, please?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Check with your county resources....they may have legal aid, or other resources for divorce. Also try calling your State Bar..they should have low cost legal resources for you.
On the personal side, what I found helpful was to get involved with Al Anon...and a support system as I walk through the aftermath. I also found self-care, with a walk outside each day, preparing nutritious food and getting good sleep was hugely helpful. If you can find some ways to charge your own batteries...you'll feel better, and you'll be in a better place to help your kids.
Big hug to you!
On the personal side, what I found helpful was to get involved with Al Anon...and a support system as I walk through the aftermath. I also found self-care, with a walk outside each day, preparing nutritious food and getting good sleep was hugely helpful. If you can find some ways to charge your own batteries...you'll feel better, and you'll be in a better place to help your kids.
Big hug to you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
You don't say in your profile what city/state/province/country you live in so it may be hard for us to give you advice on where to look for assistance.
But here goes....
***Open another account in your name only, preferable at another bank so he can't sweet-talk a teller into giving him access to it. Keep an eye on the old one - cancel if necessary. ***
***See if you can change the locks. If he is into stealing, he might break in for sellable items. Or, remove said items to a safe place.***
1. Look up country resources on the Internet. Food pantries, daycare assistance, medical care, food stamps, dental care, charity cars, etc. information can be found that way.
2. If you go to church, talk to your pastor or priest. Even if they cannot help you, people in those lines of work often know someone who can.
3. When you go to an appointment to ask for help, lay it on the line. Tell them about the AH, and what happened and what you need. I know that can be really hard because you may want to keep it private and maybe you feel ashamed. But social service agencies are there to help you over rough spots until things get better. That is what they are there for. Use them!
4. If you need to file legal stuff, sometimes you can get the fees waived if you can prove you have very little income. My XAH had a lot and I had very little when he tried to intimidate me by filing for divorce. He figured I would give in because I didn't have the money to fight him. But what I did have was time and determination. I went to the county courthouse and filed papers to get the filing fees for responding to the divorce waived. Also got the fees for the state's mandatory parenting class waived as well. He had to pay for all of his.
5. You would be surprised how much legal stuff you can do on your own if you are willing to do some research. Go to the library - they have many books on many legal issues. I don't know what you may have in mind or even IF you want to pursue a legal path here. But forewarned is forearmed.
Above all - cuddle those kids and remember that you got the best thing. People will give you money and shelter and clothes and food if you need it badly enough and you ask. NO ONE will give you their love and your own self-respect. Do what you need to stay strong - find someone you can confide in. Hit an Al-Anon meeting if you can - many of them offer childcare. Check online.
Please keep posting. I'll be thinking about you today.
But here goes....
***Open another account in your name only, preferable at another bank so he can't sweet-talk a teller into giving him access to it. Keep an eye on the old one - cancel if necessary. ***
***See if you can change the locks. If he is into stealing, he might break in for sellable items. Or, remove said items to a safe place.***
1. Look up country resources on the Internet. Food pantries, daycare assistance, medical care, food stamps, dental care, charity cars, etc. information can be found that way.
2. If you go to church, talk to your pastor or priest. Even if they cannot help you, people in those lines of work often know someone who can.
3. When you go to an appointment to ask for help, lay it on the line. Tell them about the AH, and what happened and what you need. I know that can be really hard because you may want to keep it private and maybe you feel ashamed. But social service agencies are there to help you over rough spots until things get better. That is what they are there for. Use them!
4. If you need to file legal stuff, sometimes you can get the fees waived if you can prove you have very little income. My XAH had a lot and I had very little when he tried to intimidate me by filing for divorce. He figured I would give in because I didn't have the money to fight him. But what I did have was time and determination. I went to the county courthouse and filed papers to get the filing fees for responding to the divorce waived. Also got the fees for the state's mandatory parenting class waived as well. He had to pay for all of his.
5. You would be surprised how much legal stuff you can do on your own if you are willing to do some research. Go to the library - they have many books on many legal issues. I don't know what you may have in mind or even IF you want to pursue a legal path here. But forewarned is forearmed.
Above all - cuddle those kids and remember that you got the best thing. People will give you money and shelter and clothes and food if you need it badly enough and you ask. NO ONE will give you their love and your own self-respect. Do what you need to stay strong - find someone you can confide in. Hit an Al-Anon meeting if you can - many of them offer childcare. Check online.
Please keep posting. I'll be thinking about you today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
I had a job at one of the offices his Dad owns and he is the manager/co owner of. I texted him yesterday and told him that I needed to work and would be in today after my appointment with DHHR. I *think* I can disengage enough to work and ignore him. I hope I'm not crazy for doing this. I have chronic illnesses that prevent me from working full time, so this is the best gig I could get that will lelt me take off time if needed, stay home if there's a snow day or a sick kid, etc. He's trying to train a replacement so he can do more pressing things in the company, so hopefully he won't be around as much. His work has been suffering for the last three years due to his drinking, so we'll see how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in the tree tops
Posts: 209
**{fowlplay}}}}} your a strong woman and I know you'll be fine. That doesn't make it any easier. Will be sending you love and prayers. I am so happy you are making such a big positive change in your life.
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