Bobbiejo7500

I need serious help learning to just let go. I have spent the last 15 taking care of someone else. I have forgotten how to take care of myself. I don't even know what I want or need. I can"t let go of the anger left behind when you realize the person you have devoted your life to helping doesn't even care enough to come home at night. I don't know how to stop expecting him to change. I can say the words,but I can't actually do it. I want to stop thinking about his problems and focus on my own recovery, and my daughter. When I try I still end up thinking about him. Everything he does pisses me off. I spend my days angry and sad. I want to be free. I want to wake up in the morning thinking about what I want to do, and not worrying about what he will do. I want to go to bed at night and not cry myself to sleep. How do I break free of this? How do I start living my life not his?

dollydo

Get to meetings, seek therapy, read the stickies at the top of the Family & Friends forums, all three of them. Also read Cynical Ones posts on the substance abuse forum, her posts contain a wealth of information, that apply to both Alcoholics & Substance Abusers, they are both addicts, they all do the same things...lie, deflect, abuse and manipulate.

Do you work? What are your hobbies....aside from him? How do you have the time to think
about him 24/7?

I don't know how old your daughter is, however, if she is a minor she must be your priorty, not him. He is an adult, not a child, thus responsible for his own behavior, his own recovery.

What kind of an example are you setting for your daughter by letting this situation continue? Do you want her to repeat your mistakes, or, do you want her to make better
decisions and not allow a man to disrespect her and drag her down to the depths of dispare?

Only you know the answer to my questions. Keep posting, it will help.

m1k3

I have to agree with Dolly. Going to Al-Anon meetings and reading the literature was a big part of the process for me. The fact that you are posting here is a big step. Going to meetings will give you a program for recovery, your recovery. Once you have the program you start to work it and focus on yourself. One of the things that helped me was when I was focusing on my AW I would ask myself "how does this help my recovery?". The idea is to recognize when you are hopping on to that treadmill and make yourself get off as soon as possible. Repeating the serenity prayer works for a lot of people. I am a Buddhist and I repeat the Buddha name or count breaths. Again the focus is to bring yourself back to the here and now.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

LifeRecovery

I have more support in my life than four people normally do.

I still struggled with detachment for a long time. It was like a missing puzzle piece.

Al-anon for me was the puzzle piece that was missing. It has helped me in all my relationships with this.

Pelican

There is a chapter in "Codependent No More" on Detachment. I liked keeping it handy as a reference.

Learn2Live

I strongly agree with the suggestion to seek Al-Anon and therapy. In the beginning, the Serenity Prayer helped me immensely. It is at the bottom of each of my posts.

jessiec

And I second the endorsement for Codependence No More! It is helping me so much!

Bobbiejo7500

Thank you all for the advice. I have joined al a non. I am going to go to more meetings. I have also started therapy. I am going to order the Codependent no more book today. I understand it takes time to let go, and I am going to do some serious work to make it happen.