sad day today. I gave my AH ride to VA psychiatrist

Old 11-30-2011, 06:05 AM
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I am so sorry to hear of your sadness and pain. I know how you feel as I was once there with my beloved A on more than one occasion.

There is nothing harder than watching a loved one in distress but just as the caterpillar must break out of the cocoon on its own your A must battle his way out of the dead end of addiction and you can best help him by getting well yourself.

If you pursue your own recovery you can be the strong light and salt ... love and wisdom without smothering or controlling. If you try to break open the cocoon and help the butterfly it kills it because it needs the struggle to survive.

Sadly, this is true for the alcoholic. There is no "quick fix" and no pill or magic wand. It is a physical, mental and spiritual journey of self discovery and recovery ... few find path and diligently work hard to become the person their HP created them to be.

Your A can make it. I know because I am married to one of what used to be one of the worst alcoholics I have ever met and I have met thousands and thousands in the past 30 years in my profession and am qualified to judge!

I need to write our story because it is so crazy that people will think it is fiction... that no one is that bad of a hopeless alcoholic and no one is as crazy as I was a codie, controlling wife with a messiah complex.

When I finally let go... really let go and let God I was SURE that I would next see him in a casket. It was very, very likely. Instead within hours he was detoxing in a jail cell and his journey OUT of the darkness began and I stayed absent. No contact. God went to work and long story short 6 weeks later there was a night journey of the soul and my A fully surrendered and the miracle happened.

It has been 6 months now and we still live in seperate residences and even seperate cities! We are closer than ever and I am so very proud of him for his hard work that he does everyday to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. This was a man who was a walking dead man and now he is an amazing, beautiful, loving, selfless human being.

However, I willingly live with the knowledge that at anytime it could come apart at the seams and he will be back to the brink of death if he takes a sip of alcohol. He doesn't even drink a sip of wine at communion or alcohol in his mouthwash!

Being in love with him is a risk I am willing to take because I am STRONG in my recovery and he does not belong to me... he belongs to God as I do and I have learned to live in the moment and accept that life is uncertain.

So... my advice is we can't rescue anyone but we can be a light when others see the change in us as we grow stronger in our own recovery. That is where you will find your strength, your serenity and most of all your hope. With God nothing is impossible but he does not violate free will and unless your A truly cries out for help and breaks up with alcohol the miracle will not come.

It cannot if he does not want it... this is the sad, sad part of loving an A.
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:53 PM
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In some ways you are a widow. I understand completely, my AH was truly a wonderful, loving man. Now, even when he goes through a period of sobriety (like if he is in a sober living house for a month or so) he is truly an awful person to be around. He doesn't care about the kids he used to love and he treats his parents like garbage. My husband as I knew him is gone. I sometimes wish I were dealing with a death because that people could understand. Not that I need sympathy, but I get very little from people regarding this situation, it's more like they tell me, "your husband's a jerk, he needs to get his act together!"

Anyway, I just wanted to say, I am sorry. I think this is every bit as bad as a death.
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Old 11-30-2011, 03:06 PM
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What you will have to pay to him for the divorce is a drop in the bucket compared to what supporting him for the rest of his life will cost you.

" He has excuses for everything".

As do you, when it comes to doing something about him.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. To me, neither of you are making any progress, same old, over and over again.
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Old 11-30-2011, 06:27 PM
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this guy is a vet right? and has access to VA for help with employment, schooling, medical and i'm guessing monthly benefits? all the resources one needs at his avail.
Perfect point Anvil has here. gbz, if the federal government, the entire VA, with all their resources, employees, money, facilities, doctors, nurses, psychologists, and benefits can't help this guy, what makes you think YOU can? Or that it is even your responsibility to do so?

Seems to me his problems are WAY bigger than ANY of us and for you to keep allowing him to hold your head underwater so that you drown with him is just not a good choice. Your furniture in an apartment is NOT a valid excuse hon. Get your stuff, get out, turn around and walk away.
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Old 11-30-2011, 06:28 PM
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Yes, no contact. I agree!
Just because he is entitled does not mean he will GET it. And even so, 1.5 years is not very long.
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Old 11-30-2011, 10:18 PM
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gbz i am right here in your shoes. i married a smart witty handsome driven young man with a good job and months after getting married, everything changed. he quit his job, became utterly depressed, drank himself into oblivion , and never even looked for a job.

here i am a year later.... 30 day rehab paid for by me, and three more rides to the public detox center.... and i just today woke up and said "NO MORE.... not for me."

we havent separated yet, hes at detox now. i just literally packed his belongings for him (b/c i know it would take him a year to do it) and have his things sitting in his truck waiting for him when he gets back.

but yet, a part of me still believes he can recover and be the man i know he can be. but am i willing to wait around for it? I got divorce papers today. i havent asked him to sign yet, but just getting them was a huge step. its scary. i dont want to leave the KNOWN even though its torture.

i believe he can change....i just dont know if i can wait it out and take that gamble. im so there with ya girl. my hubby and true love of my life is nothing close to the man i married. i have no idea who he is, or who i am, anymore. you are certainly not alone
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Old 12-01-2011, 08:04 AM
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Agreed. No amount of marriage counseling is going to fix this. Whenever I have gotten to this point, for me it was sink or swim. I swam.
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Old 12-01-2011, 04:47 PM
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MC is a waste of time with an active A IMO, any decent counselor would advise against it.
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Old 12-01-2011, 05:44 PM
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He's depressed to where he can't function. You've stop the MC.

Pay the rent if possible. 30 days isn't going to amount anything other than a stable living area. In 30 days, mountains can be moved. Especially ones we believe in.
From what I am reading, no amount of anything can be done to undo whatever.
...marriage counseling is never a lost cause, nor are the people involved. Not as long as there is something still there. I'd ask yourself that...and then proceed.
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