Moving my daughter away from XAH
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Moving my daughter away from XAH
This is a premature post on my part, because I don't know yet if this will even actually come up, but it looks to be at least possible that my boyfriend of almost two years may be moving out of state in about 7 months, and if he does, it is possible that he would ask me and my dd to move with him. Which I would consider doing, because I have lived in the same city all my life, and the town he would be moving to is one I would love to live in and that would be a good place to raise my daughter. The only problem is this....XRAH. He's been sober now for two months, and is living in a sober house, working, working the program, going to church, making recovery friends, the whole nine. He also continues to cling to me as much as he can. I just took our dd to his sober house today for Thanksgiving, as his sister was picking him and her up there and then taking them back later. I took my sister with me the first time to avoid him trying to corner me to "talk about things" or whatever, but when I picked her up I had no buffer and of course it ended up being uncomfortable because he tried to get me to talk to him about "us", and also had apparently coached our daughter to say to me, "Daddy really misses you a lot".
I've been pretty good about keeping my distance though. Since he is doing better, and since he is the father of dd, I have not maintained the "no-contact" I had for about two months while he drank and became homeless, but I only return about 2 of the probably 10 phone calls a week he makes, and I try to keep the convos short and related to our daughter. Frankly, I think he is much more interested in maintaining a relationship with me than with her. When he was drinking, he would frequently say that we were a "package deal". However, when he's sober, he's not a bad person and he does express some interest in wanting to see her/talk to her so for her sake I've been allowing it in situations like the one today, where I knew they had a planned activity as well as supervision in the form of his sister.
If I ended up moving out of state, we would be pretty far away, as in 2000 miles away. I am a teacher, and if I stayed in that field I would have the time to come back to my home state for regular visits, but either way, I would have no problem sending dd back here semi-regularly, like over the x-mas holidays, her spring break, and for a large portion of her summer vacation, during which time she could potentially spend time with her father if he maintained his recovery. Part of me relishes the idea of putting actual physical distance between us, but that wouldn't be my motivation for moving--its more like I want to know if I can or should even be entertaining this possibility, or if it would be too harmful to dd. Legally, let's put it this way--XAH has not lived up to his legal responsibility to her in the form of regular child support payments, so I wouldn't be very afraid that he would even attempt to legally prevent me from moving, and if he did, I'm pretty sure I would "win" a court case, especially if I was willing to designate times of the year she could come back for lengthy visits.
I guess I just wanted some feedback on whether this was a possibility I should even be thinking about or not. I know I can cross the bridge if I come to it, but if I knew for certain that dd and I leaving the state was never going to be possible, it might have some ramifications for my relationship that I would like to address sooner than later, so I don't find myself in the position of having to make some heavy decisions kind of last-minute.
I've been pretty good about keeping my distance though. Since he is doing better, and since he is the father of dd, I have not maintained the "no-contact" I had for about two months while he drank and became homeless, but I only return about 2 of the probably 10 phone calls a week he makes, and I try to keep the convos short and related to our daughter. Frankly, I think he is much more interested in maintaining a relationship with me than with her. When he was drinking, he would frequently say that we were a "package deal". However, when he's sober, he's not a bad person and he does express some interest in wanting to see her/talk to her so for her sake I've been allowing it in situations like the one today, where I knew they had a planned activity as well as supervision in the form of his sister.
If I ended up moving out of state, we would be pretty far away, as in 2000 miles away. I am a teacher, and if I stayed in that field I would have the time to come back to my home state for regular visits, but either way, I would have no problem sending dd back here semi-regularly, like over the x-mas holidays, her spring break, and for a large portion of her summer vacation, during which time she could potentially spend time with her father if he maintained his recovery. Part of me relishes the idea of putting actual physical distance between us, but that wouldn't be my motivation for moving--its more like I want to know if I can or should even be entertaining this possibility, or if it would be too harmful to dd. Legally, let's put it this way--XAH has not lived up to his legal responsibility to her in the form of regular child support payments, so I wouldn't be very afraid that he would even attempt to legally prevent me from moving, and if he did, I'm pretty sure I would "win" a court case, especially if I was willing to designate times of the year she could come back for lengthy visits.
I guess I just wanted some feedback on whether this was a possibility I should even be thinking about or not. I know I can cross the bridge if I come to it, but if I knew for certain that dd and I leaving the state was never going to be possible, it might have some ramifications for my relationship that I would like to address sooner than later, so I don't find myself in the position of having to make some heavy decisions kind of last-minute.
1. My boyfriend and I have now been together 2.5 years, and have told each other we both are each other's "it" and want to be together.
2. My boyfriend did end up moving about two weeks ago, to CA. He was out of work in MO for over six months, and his parents offered him a free place to stay out there while he looks for work out there. So our tentative plan is . . .
3. He gets a job out there, I stay in MO for another year and a half, to get my financial and professional ducks in a row, and then my DD and I move. And I did tell him that I will not do that unless he "puts a ring on it" because I don't want to uproot my daughter for a what-if.
4. My XAH is not now, as he was the last time I posted, sober, nor does he seem to have any plans to get that way anytime soon. And in fact, he recently moved to Chicago to look for work there. He has expressed some regret at that decision, because he knows it means he will not see DD as much, if at all. I have not suggested any visits between the two of them, because frankly I like her to not be around him when he is not sober.
5. My XAH has the standard visitation on our divorce decree, which he has not once taken advantage of. In other words, he's supposed to get her 8 days a month. The most he has ever seen her since the divorce is maybe 2 days a month, and more typically, it's been like 2 days every six months. I have accomodated his seeing her anytime he is sober, and have even supervised a (very) few daytime visits myself when he is not. There is nothing in our divorce decree that says I cannot move with dd. There is nothing in our divorce decree that says I can, either.
6. As I stated in my previous post, I would be willing to send dd back about 3X a year--and her grandparents have already stated they would love to have her for a long stretch in the summer, like six weeks. So if XAH ever comes back to MO and sobers up, he would have ample opportunity to see her. BUT . . .
7. I am certain that once this move becomes a reality, and I tell XAH about it, he will flip (probably in a self-destructive way) AND try to fight me on it, possibly through the courts. I am also certain that 90% of his motivation in doing so will be to keep ME near, not him.
So, them's the facts. Do any of you feel that this is unfair to my XAH? To my dd? She has a great relationship with the boyfriend, she knows about the potential move and says it sounds good to her, although she does say she would miss her grandparents, her cousins, and her dad. I have to admit that putting that kind of distance between myself and XAH sounds good, but there is still a little niggling guilt about it. But my motivation is not him, it's me and getting what I want out of life, which is a partner to live life with and to love.
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I don't feel it is unfair in the least. He has had a long time to either straighten up or not, and it appears he isn't really interested in anything except getting you back. I agree with you that his interest in his daughter comes after that.
You have to do whatever is best for you and your daughter. If he wants to try to stop you, he'll have to do it through the courts, and after what you have posted here over the past year or more, he doesn't stand a snowflake's chance in hell of getting the court to force you to stay. You have been waaaay more than fair to him all this time. It's time for you to live your life for yourself and your daughter. I wish you every happiness. You deserve it.
You have to do whatever is best for you and your daughter. If he wants to try to stop you, he'll have to do it through the courts, and after what you have posted here over the past year or more, he doesn't stand a snowflake's chance in hell of getting the court to force you to stay. You have been waaaay more than fair to him all this time. It's time for you to live your life for yourself and your daughter. I wish you every happiness. You deserve it.
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Based on his past parenting record and lack of maintaining any real parental relationship, and on his state of active addiction my opinion is that you should not have any second thoughts about moving to a place that will provide a healthier, happier, more balanced life for you and your daughter.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Your ex-husband is a non-issue. He's made his choice.
The real question is this, "is taking your daughter away from her family more or less of a priority than you being with your boyfriend?" The answer to this can be yes or no depending on your family dynamic, but it is the only important question.
The rest is just noise.
As a son who was taken away from his family by his mother at the age of nine I would argue your daughter being with her family is the priority unless there are compelling extenuating circumstances around her safety.
Already fatherless, I grew up almost 2,000 miles away from my entire family (good people, no addiction dynamic), and I would argue the effects have been negative, significant and permanent. While I love and live in the city we moved to now (and I love my mother too and have a fine relationship with her), I still wish we had never left. My family of origin is tightly knit yet are total strangers to me. At ten I had a large and loving extended family. By 15 they were pretty much strangers. Now I barely know them.
At this point, for me, it can't be undone. If your family contributes positively and lovingly to your daughter's life please consider that the move will deprive her of what cannot be replaced or managed from a distance. If not, not.
I understand that you have to take care of you to take care of her, but this decision is life-changing and likely permanent. Be positive it's what's best for you and her before making it.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. I'd like to reiterate that the Ex is a non-issue in this. He abandoned her a long time ago and deserves no consideration whatsoever.
The real question is this, "is taking your daughter away from her family more or less of a priority than you being with your boyfriend?" The answer to this can be yes or no depending on your family dynamic, but it is the only important question.
The rest is just noise.
As a son who was taken away from his family by his mother at the age of nine I would argue your daughter being with her family is the priority unless there are compelling extenuating circumstances around her safety.
Already fatherless, I grew up almost 2,000 miles away from my entire family (good people, no addiction dynamic), and I would argue the effects have been negative, significant and permanent. While I love and live in the city we moved to now (and I love my mother too and have a fine relationship with her), I still wish we had never left. My family of origin is tightly knit yet are total strangers to me. At ten I had a large and loving extended family. By 15 they were pretty much strangers. Now I barely know them.
At this point, for me, it can't be undone. If your family contributes positively and lovingly to your daughter's life please consider that the move will deprive her of what cannot be replaced or managed from a distance. If not, not.
I understand that you have to take care of you to take care of her, but this decision is life-changing and likely permanent. Be positive it's what's best for you and her before making it.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. I'd like to reiterate that the Ex is a non-issue in this. He abandoned her a long time ago and deserves no consideration whatsoever.
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Thank you for your replies. Cyranoak, I was especially struck by your reply, and if I may, would like to ask you a few questions.
Do you think it makes a difference that I would not make this move unless my boyfriend would move into the role of step-father, and that I believe he would make a fine one? And that together, we could provide for her better in a financial sense than I will be able to manage on my own . . . and in an emotional sense too, in the sense that she would grow up in a loving two-parent home instead of a loving one-parent one? (Believe me, nothing against one-parent homes. I know many are great and wonderful and much better than the two-parent alternative, just in this case, I think having both me and a loving father figure in the home would be preferable to just me. My daughter really loves my boyfriend and loves when we are together and acting "as a family".)
However, my family is very important to my daughter, and for sure a positive influence in her life. Does it make any difference to the equation that they are definitely ready, willing, and able to take her for extended periods throughout the year? I would for sure want to come in myself for at least a week at Christmas and during the summer, and I am certain that my parents and my sister would love to have her for a lengthy stay each summer, like for at least a month. And flying her out for spring break each year would be an option as well. If I was ever short on the money, my parents are in a position to help out on travel expenses. As well, I am sure that my parents would come out and visit us for a lengthy stay each year as well, as they are both retired, love to travel, have the money, and love my daughter.
I'm asking all of these questions, Cyranoak, because I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I realize that. If I'm being completely honest, I have to admit that staying put would probably be optimal for her. But that means I have to give up my love, and I do feel like I would be a better mother if I felt more satisfied personally. And I also feel that everything I put in my above reply is true. My daughter would feel good seeing me in a loving relationship, and having a stable father figure in the home. Also, the city we would be moving to is my boyfriend's home city, and she would have step-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close. She has met all of them, and she loves them and they here. And she really would see her extended family quite a bit. We are all quite close, and I'm certain that wouldn't all just disappear even if we lived 2000 miles away. My family is a bunch of travelers. They would come see her, and we would come see them. Couldn't that be OK?
Do you think it makes a difference that I would not make this move unless my boyfriend would move into the role of step-father, and that I believe he would make a fine one? And that together, we could provide for her better in a financial sense than I will be able to manage on my own . . . and in an emotional sense too, in the sense that she would grow up in a loving two-parent home instead of a loving one-parent one? (Believe me, nothing against one-parent homes. I know many are great and wonderful and much better than the two-parent alternative, just in this case, I think having both me and a loving father figure in the home would be preferable to just me. My daughter really loves my boyfriend and loves when we are together and acting "as a family".)
However, my family is very important to my daughter, and for sure a positive influence in her life. Does it make any difference to the equation that they are definitely ready, willing, and able to take her for extended periods throughout the year? I would for sure want to come in myself for at least a week at Christmas and during the summer, and I am certain that my parents and my sister would love to have her for a lengthy stay each summer, like for at least a month. And flying her out for spring break each year would be an option as well. If I was ever short on the money, my parents are in a position to help out on travel expenses. As well, I am sure that my parents would come out and visit us for a lengthy stay each year as well, as they are both retired, love to travel, have the money, and love my daughter.
I'm asking all of these questions, Cyranoak, because I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I realize that. If I'm being completely honest, I have to admit that staying put would probably be optimal for her. But that means I have to give up my love, and I do feel like I would be a better mother if I felt more satisfied personally. And I also feel that everything I put in my above reply is true. My daughter would feel good seeing me in a loving relationship, and having a stable father figure in the home. Also, the city we would be moving to is my boyfriend's home city, and she would have step-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close. She has met all of them, and she loves them and they here. And she really would see her extended family quite a bit. We are all quite close, and I'm certain that wouldn't all just disappear even if we lived 2000 miles away. My family is a bunch of travelers. They would come see her, and we would come see them. Couldn't that be OK?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'm very sorry I didn't answer sooner...
...I didn't revisit the thread until now.
That said, I can't answer any of your questions. Too much responsibility and I specialize in ducking responsibility. You ask great questions below but the bottom line is that this is not an equation I can solve for, nor can anybody else except you. Thank God I don't have to make it.
I truly wish you the best as you make this decision. I don't think either one, given the extra information you provided, is going to keep her from having a good life. As long as she is surrounded by love, taught to fish and be expected to once she's old enough, and protected from addicts and alcoholics she should have as good a shot as anybody.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
That said, I can't answer any of your questions. Too much responsibility and I specialize in ducking responsibility. You ask great questions below but the bottom line is that this is not an equation I can solve for, nor can anybody else except you. Thank God I don't have to make it.
I truly wish you the best as you make this decision. I don't think either one, given the extra information you provided, is going to keep her from having a good life. As long as she is surrounded by love, taught to fish and be expected to once she's old enough, and protected from addicts and alcoholics she should have as good a shot as anybody.
Good luck!
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
Thank you for your replies. Cyranoak, I was especially struck by your reply, and if I may, would like to ask you a few questions.
Do you think it makes a difference that I would not make this move unless my boyfriend would move into the role of step-father, and that I believe he would make a fine one? And that together, we could provide for her better in a financial sense than I will be able to manage on my own . . . and in an emotional sense too, in the sense that she would grow up in a loving two-parent home instead of a loving one-parent one? (Believe me, nothing against one-parent homes. I know many are great and wonderful and much better than the two-parent alternative, just in this case, I think having both me and a loving father figure in the home would be preferable to just me. My daughter really loves my boyfriend and loves when we are together and acting "as a family".)
However, my family is very important to my daughter, and for sure a positive influence in her life. Does it make any difference to the equation that they are definitely ready, willing, and able to take her for extended periods throughout the year? I would for sure want to come in myself for at least a week at Christmas and during the summer, and I am certain that my parents and my sister would love to have her for a lengthy stay each summer, like for at least a month. And flying her out for spring break each year would be an option as well. If I was ever short on the money, my parents are in a position to help out on travel expenses. As well, I am sure that my parents would come out and visit us for a lengthy stay each year as well, as they are both retired, love to travel, have the money, and love my daughter.
I'm asking all of these questions, Cyranoak, because I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I realize that. If I'm being completely honest, I have to admit that staying put would probably be optimal for her. But that means I have to give up my love, and I do feel like I would be a better mother if I felt more satisfied personally. And I also feel that everything I put in my above reply is true. My daughter would feel good seeing me in a loving relationship, and having a stable father figure in the home. Also, the city we would be moving to is my boyfriend's home city, and she would have step-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close. She has met all of them, and she loves them and they here. And she really would see her extended family quite a bit. We are all quite close, and I'm certain that wouldn't all just disappear even if we lived 2000 miles away. My family is a bunch of travelers. They would come see her, and we would come see them. Couldn't that be OK?
Do you think it makes a difference that I would not make this move unless my boyfriend would move into the role of step-father, and that I believe he would make a fine one? And that together, we could provide for her better in a financial sense than I will be able to manage on my own . . . and in an emotional sense too, in the sense that she would grow up in a loving two-parent home instead of a loving one-parent one? (Believe me, nothing against one-parent homes. I know many are great and wonderful and much better than the two-parent alternative, just in this case, I think having both me and a loving father figure in the home would be preferable to just me. My daughter really loves my boyfriend and loves when we are together and acting "as a family".)
However, my family is very important to my daughter, and for sure a positive influence in her life. Does it make any difference to the equation that they are definitely ready, willing, and able to take her for extended periods throughout the year? I would for sure want to come in myself for at least a week at Christmas and during the summer, and I am certain that my parents and my sister would love to have her for a lengthy stay each summer, like for at least a month. And flying her out for spring break each year would be an option as well. If I was ever short on the money, my parents are in a position to help out on travel expenses. As well, I am sure that my parents would come out and visit us for a lengthy stay each year as well, as they are both retired, love to travel, have the money, and love my daughter.
I'm asking all of these questions, Cyranoak, because I want to have my cake and eat it too, and I realize that. If I'm being completely honest, I have to admit that staying put would probably be optimal for her. But that means I have to give up my love, and I do feel like I would be a better mother if I felt more satisfied personally. And I also feel that everything I put in my above reply is true. My daughter would feel good seeing me in a loving relationship, and having a stable father figure in the home. Also, the city we would be moving to is my boyfriend's home city, and she would have step-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close. She has met all of them, and she loves them and they here. And she really would see her extended family quite a bit. We are all quite close, and I'm certain that wouldn't all just disappear even if we lived 2000 miles away. My family is a bunch of travelers. They would come see her, and we would come see them. Couldn't that be OK?
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