seek

As I wrote in another post, my family is in crisis at the moment. Because of alcoholic dynamics, several family members are trying to piece things together to figure out what is going on. One family member is in serious trouble and is in his own crisis and all of us are affected - some people are acting out, being irrational . . .it's a mess.

I haven't been able to sleep - finally found some peace through prayer.

This situation could get better or worse . . . and it could go on for a very long time . . . there is a court date, so that is something to anticipate . . .and I don't know how involved I will end up getting (trying to help without enabling . . .but still don't know all of the details).

So, in light of all of that, what are some tips when you are in crisis? I am not big on meetings, I prefer to get support online.

I know "one day at a time" and I am trying to have that mindset and not leap into the future with "scary stories."

What other tips do you use to divert your thinking so you are not hyperfocused on "the problem?"

I can't seem to "let it go," permanently . . . thoughts keep circling in my brain . . . some of it is just absorbing the information . . .yesterday, I was in serious shock . . .and I don't know where one very beloved family member is, so naturally I would wonder about that and then the worries start (try to "turn it over" but it doesn't stay turned over).

How can I function under the circumstances?

How can not every thought be of this crisis?

What are some tips you have gathered from your recovery?

As far as my "recovery" is concerned, I have turned to prayer to assist and protect . . . and I realize that I am powerless to impact this situation much, but it still makes me SICK . . .how do you not become sickened by the "problem" (for me it is much beloved family members, one very young) . . .Thank you

GettingBy

For me, the biggest thing I need during a crisis is real life support. Being able to pick up the phone and talk to my sponsor helps me find clarity, peace and perspective. I know you said you're not big on meetings - but that does help me. Even just going and sitting in the room and listening - helps me to slow down, and hear how other people approach their problems.

Above all that, I tend to take it really easy on myself. Reduce my expectations and increase my self-love/care. I make sure to take extra time to eat, sleep and get exercise. Doing extra work on my recovery (I have 5 daily readers!!) helps give me the strength I need to use the right tools!!

Online has been good for after hours support... but nothing beats my real life Al-anon friends

wellnowwhat

Sometimes when something is overwhelming me and I realize I am just going over and over the same cycle, it helps me to give myself permission to worry about it later. It sounds silly, but for me it works. I give myself a stern "well, Wellnowwhat, this is accomplishing nothing! Let's think about this at x p.m." and then at that time I will get a cup of coffee and spend xx minutes thinking about it and my involvement in it.

Once I set the time, then I do something immediately, e.g. leave the room and usually grab something that requires focus, make a grocery list, do a crossword, pay bills, etc. When the scheduled time for "worry" arrives I pour a coffee and I try to focus on me, my efforts, my reactions, can I help?, should I help?, is it helpful or just makes me feel better? etc. And when my coffee is finished "Okay, Wellnowwhat, time's up! What's next?" and I try to move on to other things. If I am still really worried, I set another "worry appointment".

I must be gullible, because this works quite well for me.

MsGrace

I've been in crisis for the last couple of months and felt much like you did...didn't see myself as a "meeting" sort of a gal. BUT...I went out of desperation. The reality of living with alcoholism was simply too much for me to bear on my own. Boy and I glad I did. I've found loving support and actual real live "tips" for stopping compulsive fear and thoughts. Last night, the topic was all about "acceptance" and how much it helped me. I could see the places I suffer most are around the aspects I just can't accept...yet. But by the end of the meeting, I had a new perspective and new hope as I heard how others found a way to accept what is.

In the absence of that....these forums are about as good as it gets, but only second to the real life contact with other caring people and my sponsor.

Thumper

I'm so sorry your family is in crisis.

I'm big on lists so when I'm in crisis I start making lists. The act of managing the lists gets my mind working instead of perseverating. I make one large list with all the loose thoughts. I then sort it. One list for things I can take action on. One for things I can't.

Action list. I prioritize that. I then determine what the next step (maybe two but no more than that) is and write it down. Just the next right thing. I don't allow myself to try and figure out the next ten steps as then I am trying to control, manipulate, or predict the future which is not good for me. I can then go about taking steps to do the next right thing.

Inaction list. I cross out the things that are not my business, totally out of my control, or things that might happen. A number of things on this list are usually things that aren't even real !! Then I take the rest and decide if it is a problem/issue I want to monitor or follow and list how I will do that. (Call for update on Thursday for example). Maybe it is to say a prayer each day or sometimes I just need to vent and will do so appropriately. Sometimes I walk it out. I also time my worry like pp suggested. I will spend x time rolling this around in my head then I will do something else.

Task list. This third list is filled with boring yet productive tasks so when my worry time is up or if I'm getting aggitated or obsessing I can get to work on this list and start crossing things off. That feels good. It includes basic stuff like sweep but when I am in crisis or emotionally overwhelmed I feel so scattered that I find this useful.

You might want a self care list. I don't make one but it would be useful.

It is very individual. This is just what works for me. Thoughts and prayers being sent for you and your family.

OwlFeathers

Dealing with this type of stress really has strengthened my faith, and I take time to study on my beliefs to help me be more at peace.
When I am super stressed about it, I allow myself 5 to 10 minutes to just sit and cry and that helps, and also going for a long walk in the fresh air helps to release the stress also.
It definetly helps being able to come here and post with people who "get it". And while I haven't gone to a meeting since once a few yrs ago, I did have a close friend who was really good at letting me vent. She moved away so thinking I will try the meetings again. I really do agree, you need to have a real life person who understands, it helps so much.
And also, I have tried that tactic of just focusing on something else that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. I mean, for example, if the court date is next week, and the other person can't be contacted, and the next person is doing their own set of stupid crap, and other people are running around with their heads cut off... that's a good time to clean the closets... rake the yard... go browse the thrift store... anything but think about "the problem".
Sometimes you just gotta take a break from that to save your sanity.

theuncertainty

Real life support was/is a big one for me. I was a hot mess and there was no way I could have handled it on my own. Support groups, a few close friends, family, counseling. I also had to really try hard to shift focus - or unfocus. Sit and take deep breaths, count. When thoughts about the crazy-making cr-p intruded, I'd push them away. Mentally tell myself, "No, I'm not thinking about that right now. I need to ___"

It feels a little silly to admit this, but one technique I use is to sit alone, close my eyes and focus on my breathing for a little; when my mind tries to go back to the problems, I would move my hands up in front of me, palms out, take a deep breath and on the exhale push my hands out like I was pushing the thought away, would picture it getting further away. Sit and focus on my breathing for a little, and repeat.

Another thing I'd do is think of some place I felt safe, loved and happy; for me, the easiest was my grandparents old house from when I was little. Again, I'd sit some where I could have a minute or two to myself. I'd close my eyes and "walk" slowly through the house, smelling the bread that Grandma would bake, walk through the dining room, trailing my hand on the old wood table or backs of the chairs, feel the linoleum floor under my feet, see the yellow curtains moving in the summer breeze... Or walk up the stairs to where my room was, seeing the sun come through the curtains at the top of the stairs, smelling the warm linen smell and dahlias, roses and peonys planted outside.

I think the last technique is a guided imagery exercise ?? Any way, it helps me calm down and recognize that I'm OK right now. It gives me a few minutes of much needed peace.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

Thumper

That is great Theuncertainty. What a great image. I had forgotten how much imagery I used when I was in the thick of things. I don't so much ordinarily but at that confusing overwhelming time I did a lot.

seek

OMG. You people are AMAZING! My angels must be listening to me, because your advice is "just what the doctor ordered!!!" Honestly, there are things you all suggested that I would have never thought of . . . I am so grateful. I am going to try many, if not all of the suggestions. I just think they are all brilliant!

I did go to Alanon for six years a long time ago, and I got a lot out of it . . . but I am more introverted now and there are online resources available and I appreciate that. Plus, and I hate to say this, but there were some really disturbed people in Alanon (not saying it to be judgy, just how it was for me) and I want to surround myself by the healthiest people possible . . .I don't want to get mired in the problem . . . and for me, hearing other people's stories is not particularly good for me (here I can pick and choose and when I feel up to it take a peak at what is going on for other people . . .but I personally don't want to swim in the soup of despair and negativity . . .and my beliefs are more diverse than Alanon - Of course, I do leave the door open and can go if need be - last time I tried to go, I got a flat tire, so I took that as an omen, but I digress).

Having real, live people to process with is great - I don't have too much of that, but so far, so good . . .

Thank you all again - I am so excited that there are actual things I can do to help the crazy making thoughts and worries!!!

seek

Thumper thank you for the list ideas . . .I love the detail, since I am a compulsive analyzer/thinker.

On the Inaction List - things that aren't your business - I think this one will be really helpful for me . . . since I seem to have a list of stuff that is everyone else's business - it will help me to list all of the things and then put actions next to it like "pray" or "call for an update" - I am very excited about this technique.

BlueMoon

Oh can I ever relate!! For a long, long time I thought I was “doing it wrong”. Not so! Just because I am able to let something go once, maybe just for an hour or a day, or even longer, does not mean I’ve mastered the art! The problem (alcohol!) is still there. There’s going to be a lot more opportunities to Let it Go. The same goes for Turn it Over.

Come to think of it – all of the slogans are like that! They’re the tools that get me through the crisises, the things that help me function under the most bizarre circumstances. And boy does it get bizarre!

Learning to detach and set boundaries is currently saving my sanity. It’s keeping me from being sick physically and emotionally from the alcoholic s*** that’s going on.

I can’t always do this perfectly, or even close to “right”. But the point is that I’m now willing to TRY to learn to take care of ME. And I’m LIKING it.

I do it one baby step at a time. When I can’t do it for One Day at a Time, I do it for One Minute. It works for me.

I am NOT a people person, never have been. The thought of sitting in a roomful of people was just awful to me. But when I hurt enough I went. I’ve only been going to face to face meetings a few months but I can’t say enough good things about them. I highly recommend giving them a try.

Keep Coming Back – and Take Care!
Blue

lillamy

Well, my version of "one day at a time" is to remind myself that whatever I'm feeling right now is OK..

I've found that often, for me, in a time of crisis, what I'm feeling is not so much the problem as what I think I ought to be feeling. So I feel awful, and then I beat myself up for feeling awful. Which makes me feel worse.

So I remind myself that right now, I'm feeling awful. BUT I haven't always felt awful, and I will not always feel awful. But right now, I do, and that's OK. I can feel awful and still do the dishes. I can feel awful and still work. I can feel awful and still try to sleep -- and if I can't sleep, I can read a book to distract my mind from those thoughts it tries to keep going over and over and over and over.

And then I build houses. In my head. I build and furnish and decorate my dream house. In my head. From the ground up. Where are the bedrooms going to be? The living room? Is there a workout room in the basement? With what equipment? What does the bathtub look like? Is there a walk-in shower as well? What color is the tile?

I find that creating things in my mind like that forces me to engage a part of my brain that drains the emotional merry-go-round of energy and relaxes me. I've built so many houses going to sleep over the past 20 years that I feel like a real estate mogul!

Those are just my tricks. When you can't do anything and your mind keeps trying, give it something else to do.

CatsPajamas

I love Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon. Here's a good reading from January 15:

Recently I learned about a crisis in the life of an alcoholic I love. Today, while trying to work, I found myself slumping in my chair, depressed and distracted. Soon, all thoughts of work had fled, and I was busy projecting a horrible outcome to my loved one’s crisis and dreading the ways in which the consequences might affect me. The slogan, “One day at a time” reminds me that, in spite of my fears, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I’ve given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now.

Today’s Reminder:

I needn’t explore how I’ll feel about something that might occur in the future. I don’t actually know how I’ll feel, and it may never happen. So when I feel myself leaving the present, I’ll remind myself that the future is not today’s problem.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” – A.J. Cronin

seek

Such great advice. Yes, I have tried the house design technique. I forgot it last night. I only got two or three hour's of sleep . . . When I am in crisis or get triggered, I "forget" everything . . .so I should make a book of reminders . . . just too busy trying to catch up.

I have wasted so much time and energy on these problems . . . I am keenly aware of that.

Today has been good . . .I did what I needed to do and am going to get a massage.

I used to typically be afraid of "what will happen next?" But I may have received some grace around that, time will tell . . .

I did get into some worry and wrote the worries down . . .if I have the same worries tomorrow, I will create "action" or "inaction" plans around them.

Thanks again for all of the great advice.

Cassiopia

Thank you seek. I have been trying to word the problem and found your post and you described it perfectly. And thank you to all those who posted suggestions. I am already doing most of them but it is reassuring to know I am dealing with this the right way.

I am a control freak alcoholic and being stuck in the wrong country while my family hurts is so frustrating. I want to be right there so I can deal with the problems personally. I need to remind myself frequently during each day that that is not my responsibility. I need to remember to Let Go and Let God even if I have to turn it back over to him 40 times each day.

I love making lists and they really help when my mind is spinning with worries about what might happen. I need to remember to keep things down to just Today. I use the Serenity Prayer a lot during crisis times because it helps me separate what I can do and what I cannot do.

I know that I tend to get lost inside my own head when I start projecting the what ifs into the future and I struggle to remain grounded in today. One of the techniques I use is to focus on what practical advice I can give and keep it to suggestions instead of demands or orders. Other people do not have to live their lives according to my standards or rules.

Anyhow...thank you for this thread.