TakingCharge999

I don't like December. I don't like the same stupid songs over and over and over. I don't like it because my family is away/abroad. And also because it brings bad memories from past Christmases/New years.

I just don't like it period, wake me up in January.. (OMG I don't want it to be January yet either as I turn 30 and I feel old and unmarried UGH!!! I did not expect this feeling but yes, I am dreading the 30s... ok back to the topic)


I was planning to go to a small town nearby for the last weekend of the year and invited my mom .. she said it was "too expensive" (when she has a lot of money and I am willing to get by with tuna sandwiches to pay for it, besides its not THAT much).

Then she said "maybe"...

I started getting angry.. yes, I know, I can't change anyone... BUT I got angry. I thought "how come there are 2 DAUGHTER-MOM DAYS we can spend nicely in a very charming hotel -we don´t live in the same state- be grateful we made it through the year, welcome the new one relaxed... and she DOESN'T want to go??"

Then the plans change-

She called me this morning asking to arrive to my place for more time during those last weeks.. because my uncle (where she is staying at, given she hasn't bought her house yet) will receive family and well there's no room for her... I told her "huh, I do not even have a bed for myself? all I can offer is a sleeping bag".. she said she would look for some other aunt to stay with...


I feel frustrated because months go by and she does not feel bad cruising through other people´s homes.. because every time I talk to her she says "well, today I will just sleep and watch TV" ... because I feel she won´t find a home with this defeated/passive attitude...


I am trying hard to respect her and let her go, meanwhile I am making my own plans for the future, as I realized I also go from place to place without any roots so it is possible next year I start looking for my own place even if its small apartment far away.... but ahhh I see, so many things of my mom in myself and I don´t want to live that way..



Thank you for letting me be honest about my feelings in a safe place.

TakingCharge999

Ahh jds thanks! you sum it up very well. I listened to Jingle Bells for the Nth time in the radio while driving and I thought "mental note: get the heavy metal CDs and never, ever turn on the radio.. well at least not for the next 6 weeks or so"

Cooking for a family sounds like such a huge task, I am not even able to cook a decent meal for myself most of the time so I don´t know how others do it. But to do things that go unnoticed, no thanks...

It sounds like a plan, the one I got but then being there by myself would also make me feel like a loser LOL I am not sure, what will happen as I don´t want to spend time in friend´s houses either... maybe just hibernate until Spring 2012??????? ohh boy maybe just a spa day for myself, THAT is a plan that works for me ..

The whole thing is just stressful and honestly with so much pollution I don´t get why anyone would cut a tree??? I may be ignorant about this but isn´t people dying due to respiratory diseases? aren´t we all in need of oxygen these days?? speaks the Greenpeace advocate...

And then we of course got the DRUNKS everywhere... and people showing off about how much they drank.... over here they call the period between Dec. 12th and January 6th the official "Drinking Rally" where they are supposed to drink everyday... I would like to enclose such drunks in a big cage and play Jingle Bells for them over and over.

Good for you for thinking about YOU!

theuncertainty

I'd have to agree with JDS here. If only because I've got about 10 years on you, TC. (OMG!!!!!! 10 years!!! )

I can completely commiserate with this. It's the traits in myself that I don't like that I have the hardest time accepting and letting go of in Mom. In fact, with quite a few of the things that she does that drive me bonkers, I have to step back and recognize where the 'bonkers' is actually coming from. Namely, my dissatisfaction with how I do or handle stuff.... It helps me to remember that I do love her, that she has accomplished things that I respect and admire - even if I drive myself crazy trying to see around our shared issues.

As for the holidays... I'm trying to boycott the commercialism or at least reduce its impact on my life - and DS's. We're going to be making our own traditions. The Lantern Walk was a couple weekends ago a DS's school, and it's simply my favorite event. We're going to start cross country skiing. Baking together. Making homemade ornaments for our little tree. Quiet evenings curled up around the fireplace with hot cocoa reading together (ok, as quiet as it can be with 3 boys laughing, sharing what they're reading, and grumbling that they've already finished their books, that they spilled their cocoa, that Cousin is hogging the sofa....)

Sending hugs, TC. Hoping we all find a special way to enjoy the season.

TakingCharge999

Thanks uncertainty
If there was a play I can be the grinch. No disguise needed.

I also think my attitude might have to do with the fact my mom is New agey and my dad is 100% Atheist so there is no religious meaning attached to anything.. I don't think my sister does anything special either...

But I loved your plans!!! when you put it like that it sounds great..

My version would be.. buy treats for my daughters the cats?

TakingCharge999

Cross country skiing sounds wonderful!!!!! I was told its a low impact sport I would be able to try someday ... someone told me it was not bad on the knees...

MaybeCalifornia

Unfortunately, most days I agree with this! My wedding anniversary also falls in December. AH & I haven't really "celebrated" it in a few years now, it usually isn't a happy day for me.

I'm able to enjoy Christmas itself, because I spend most of my time with my family, and AH usually chooses not to participate. I was hurt & embarrassed by that at first, but now I just try to appreciate the opportunity to have fun without all his drama. I'm lucky to have an awesome family, and I really enjoy their company. And I really like cooking, baking, etc. so I have fun doing all that, too.

The only thing that really stresses me out about the season is the money. Every year I tell myself to start buying gifts early so I'm not overwhelmed in Dec., but it never seems to happen.

TC- I hope you're able to find a little peace & joy this holiday!

wellnowwhat

I like Christmas, although I'm not a believer. My AH hates it, so detaching for me is key.

I like the carols, but only Christmas week. The rest of the time I make sure I have my own CDs in the car.

I like the tree. Our decorations are crafts the girls and I did when they were little, or from school, or mementos from trips, or the odd one from my own tree growing up (even though those Christmases weren't very merry), so all in all it's a trip down memory lane.

The few Christmas ornaments in the home, were either gifts or something homemade, and again it's the memory that's important not the lushness.

I used to resent the big Christmas dinner, but now that I am rarely cooking for more than two, I enjoy planning it and doing it and having it all go well and sharing that experience with my daughters, regardless whether anyone else appreciates it. I do it for me, and my daughters.

We've never been over the top with gifts at Christmas, and for us, it's really such a small part of the season. I like it when I find the perfect gift for someone, and it's rarely something expensive - just thoughtful. I used to work retail, so I avoid the malls like the plague.

I always try to use the holidays to reconnect with someone I would like in my life more. It's nice when it works out well, and satisfies curiousity if not.

And most importantly, I avoid the sappy Christmas movies that touch the heart and set off comparisons that make you feeling unsatisfied. Bring on the Griswolds!

Thumper

I love the Christmas season (decorations, trees, annoying songs and all) and despite not having a perfect family growing up Christmas was always magical, soft, and sparkly The money stresses me out and just all the activities etc. that is thrust upon us. I am getting better at saying no to things, skipping things that don't really matter to my life, buying presents for only my kids and no other adults, etc. and that really helps. I had to get ruthless with eliminating the things that did not work so I had time, money, and sanity to enjoy the things that do work for me. Cutting out obligations and expectations and then working hard to let go of the negative feelings I have about doing that wasn't easy but worth it.

I'm also a hermit so don't deal with rude or drunk people - or any kind of people much, lol. I hate shopping and don't really do much of it so that probably keeps me clear of all that! People seem to be extra nice around here this time of year. I imagine it depends on where you live too.

SUCH A RELIEF to no longer be living with an A. Being married was always a mixed blessing because I love the holidays and loved some of the times shared but man oh man - the stress, resentment, disappointment, on edge, and lonely feeling being with someone that drank to much and just faded out was not fun. I'm better with out that.

I do sort of understand some of your frustration with your mom. I have a similar time with one close relative. A few years ago I decided that I was making my Christmas plans (well any and all plans) and I would invite her. She either came or did not. I refused to play her guilting games, pretended I didn't hear the manipulation or poor me stuff she laid on thick, ignored her requests for special treatment or digging for extra affirmations, and she eventually came around. Eventually as in a few years, lol. It took me a long time to let go of the feelings I have when I did that and I still remind myself that her side of the street is hers and I can stay on my side. Her feelings are not mine and I don't have to fix her feelings blah blah blah. Again - well worth the effort! I see lots of 'co-dependent' traits in her and when my eyes were opened could see similar things in myself. OMG, that about scared me straight, lol, and I immediately began hanging sticky notes everywhere to address those issues in myself. She is not my mom (my mom died many years ago) and so the deeply ingrained things I carry into my adult life are harder for me to pin to my mom because I still see her through mostly a child/teens eyes. I know some of it is so similar though. Those are harder to change for sure.

Anyway - hang in there. I hope you find some moments of joy and peace this year. Don't stress about turning 30 30 is the best decade don't you know! The 20's are filled with figuring out who we are and how the world works. The 30's can be an amazing time and you have many tools already to make it a wonderful time in your life. I'm way older then you and I don't feel all that old quite yet - except for me ankles. They feel at least 60.

chronsweet

I actually like Christmas. I think it is how you look at it that matters, and not how others perceive your good time. I have never really felt competitive about it, or felt the need to make myself or my family appear to be happy because of it.

I love the lights on the houses, the smell of pine, the smell of fresh baked goods, getting together with family and eating to our heart's content. Everyone always has appreciated a good meal in my family and everyone pitches in to cook and bring dishes. I mostly only buy the kids in the family gifts, of course my mom and when my dad was alive, him too. I buy my bf a couple gifts. I used to have more money when I was with my ex-husband and we would go out and get almost everyone something. But it was always just because we were thinking of them and appreciated them. It wasn't a 'show'.

I understand where you are coming from as it can get stressful and if you aren't in a good place in your head, all holidays suck, IMO. I have been through times where I was so depressed that I didn't care about them at all. Now that I have a 2 year old, I find the joy in holidays again, even IF my ABF is drunk for them all. My whole family knows he drinks and we just go about our business and let him drink to oblivion if that's how he wants to remember his holidays.

SurferDude

I too have the holiday blues (alternating with the 'mean reds') and was trying to figure out why. It occurs to me that the holidays are very much tied to memories of the past and expectations for the future. All of these things that I should do, even the things that will keep me healthy and sane feel like a burden. So I started thinking about the things I could do:

I could up my Alanon meetings to twice a week if I feel like it
I could go for a walk and enjoy the brisk weather if I am feeling stressed
I could call a friend to meet for coffee
I could pop in my yoga DVD and just do 15 min
I could put up the decorations I want to put up
I could make some presents instead of buying them
I could sing loudly in the car
I could visit the friends and family I want to, and leave when I want to
I could spend time reading to my kids
I could watch silly movies
I could enjoy sleeping in
I could think about all the things I am grateful for
I could call my sponsor or Alanon friend, "just because"

I could do all of these things, but I don't have to do any of them, it's up to me!

-Brian

MsPINKAcres

I like several have posted - use to dread the holidays because of the typical nightmares that happen with you live with the active disease. . .

Then I decide to NOT allow this disease to STEAL any more of my joy from me!

I was going to be happy and enjoy the day - regardless of what day it was - Christmas, New Year's, Summer, Spring, Weekend, or Work Day!

I want to be Happy REGARDLESS!

Sooooooooo - I decide to be Full of PINK Tidings of Joy in my own way!

Don't wanna give gifts to your family - how about give an extra dollar in a tip to that wait staff at the restaurant with a hand written thank you note on the bill or a napkin to make their day - you know they are tired & would really appreciate it.

Don't wanna go to you family's get together - volunteer at a hospital, homeless shelter, retirement home, etc. ~ the love may be more appreciated there

Play some comedy cd's to keep you laughing or relaxation cd to keep you calm -

Stay at home & endulge in your favorite movies for a movie nite & extra butter popcorn!!

Do what is healthy for you - reclaim this time for a time of JOY, new traditions, celebrate recovery, life and happiness -

Replace the pain, struggles and sadness -

Just some suggestions I was given to help make my holidays a happier time for me and it helped

I hope it helps you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

**Oh and remember you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do!

Thumper

I love it MsPinkAcres - great post.

It occured to me that one reason I enjoy the season is because it is the only time of year I am easily able to live in the present. Enjoy the moment. I really do feel blessed (and always have at this time of year) and don't have to make a list of gratitudes to get there I usually have to pay so much attention to not worrying about or expecting the other shoe to drop so to speak (I've even posted here about that difficulty I have with enjoying the here and now and furstration with it) and for some reason I am able to do that at this time of year! I just realized this after reading this thread. I'm so thankful for this thread. I'm going to pay more attention to this and see what I can learn from it to take with me the rest of the year.

NeverQuit

I like the idea behind Christmas. I like the story of the birth of Christ. I like the simplicity of that night and of the people.

I try to remember the special "good" Christmas times of the past even though there were bad times. I remember being a child, laying on my bed after dark and looking out a window through a frosted, cold window pane and watching huge and gentle snow flakes falling all around the streetlight hanging from on the corner pole. Sometimes it would be so quiet that I thought that all sound had stopped for a moment. It was as though I was seeing magic outside. It is one of my favorite memories.

I won't dwell on the holiday drunk stories, the "firewater" that I called the Old Grand Dad Whiskey that he drank way back then, or more recently the 9 beers and full bottle of champagne that she downed on a recent New Years Eve before blacking out and passing out.

This year, I know I can't stop the drinking but I can avoid it and avoid as much of the aftermath as possible. I will still go to mass on Christmas Eve in a distant church and marvel in the dim lighting and the smell of pine branches and candles burning in the church while the children's choir sing and sound like the Charlie Brown Christmas Choir. I will think of lives so long ago because I have the luxury and the desire to do this. And in spite of rough years and feelings of helplessness over some problems, I will feel blessed.

I hope that each of you also fine moments of peace and warmth in the realization that we are all somehow in this together even though we are sometimes alone and distant.

StarCat

I love putting up my (fake) Christmas tree, and plugging it in, and using only the lights on the tree to light up the living room after dark. There's something serenely peaceful about the light cast from multiple tiny multicolored bulbs, even if it doesn't last long before one of the kittens gets stuck in the tree again.
This year I also purchased some lights for the balcony, although I've been lazy and haven't actually gotten around to installing them yet.

I enjoy putting thought into the gifts I purchase for people. They don't have to be expensive, they just have to be nice and well-thought-out. I like imagining the smiles on people's faces when they open them, and will sometimes purchase silly gifts for certain people who understand good humor because I love the anticipation of the look on their face when they open it.

I enjoy baking, and sitting at home by Christmas light and candle light as the temperature outside drops and I'm still warm and cozy at home, and putting out the nativity set.

I am absolutely going to enjoy having time off from work, now that my time is my own to spend. This is going to be a good year.



I try to focus on those things, because paying attention to the commercialization or listening to the overuse of Christmas music or thinking about the logistics and potential pitfalls of visiting my parents this time around only stresses me out.

fedup3

For so many years I had a love/hate relationship with the holidays because of XAH. Whenever he could his behavior would just stomp all the fun out of it but this is the first year without him and all I can say is I'M LOVING IT!! My daughter came over after Thanksgiving and we put up all the decorations inside and out and it's just so beautiful, peaceful, serene. Now I listen to Christmas music with a lot of good memories not dreading getting together with family or being worried about some incident happening and I'm even having lots of people over during the holiday weekends, cooking, entertaining, I can't wait.

choublak

I like looking at Christmas lights on houses, especially those with lots of lights. Enjoying other people's decorations is more fun and less work than doing my own house lol.

The front lawns full of inflatable snow globes and the like. Sometimes I see them deflated and blowing around, they look like hammocks.

And the houses covered in lights...if you have the money for the resulting high electric bill, go for it!

lillamy

Hey, I'm closer to 50 than 40 and I finally found a partner who is a partner and whom I love dearly. So you've got eons of time, baby girl!

As for holidays... I've created my own traditions and routines.
This year, it's all hand-made gifts.
I've limited the cooking and baking to things I love and I refuse to do anything else.
And I absolutely refuse to get caught up in the mad dash to buy sh*t just because.

Lots of candles, lots of good food (did you know lasagna is a traditional Christmas dish? It is at my house! And the 23rd of December is traditional sushi day!), and a holiday-long ban on stress and alcohol.

I think I've gone the other way -- I enjoy the holidays a lot MORE now, because I can celebrate however I damn well please...

Tuffgirl

Anyone have advice on whether or not to bother with a tree this year with a 6 month old puppy in the house?

She is in a big time chewing phase...

P.S. she loves trees/stocks/branches (and shoes, and paper, and the corners of furniture...)

Thumper

Maybe put a small one on a table ? Some people put baby gates around their too. I had a cat that ate the icicle type tinsel. So gross - going in and coming out :/. Last year we had that, lol.

LaTeeDa

The 23rd of December is my baby boy's birthday. Ever since the day he was born, the holidays have taken on a new meaning for me. This year, he will turn 15, yet I can still vividly remember rocking that newborn next to the Christmas tree and watching his little eyes mesmerized by the lights.

Having a special birthday this time of year helps me remember that it's not about the material things. For me, it's a reminder that another year is about to pass. Life is much too short to be miserable, whether it's because of an alcoholic, or because of the pressure to spend and consume and keep up with the neighbors. Each year is to be relished and lived to the fullest for we never know how many more we have left.

L