Goldberry

Hello, I haven't posted in a long while but I come to read and get insight through many of your posts and comments. Thank you! I am going through a rough spell right and need prayer for my husband and myself. I don't ask for advice I just need to vent and get things off my chest and this is a perfect place to do that.

I have been married for about 34 years and my husband has been an alcoholic for many of those years if not all, and I have just recently understood that. I also just found out that he is now smoking marijuana too saying he is trying to use pot to help him quit drinking. The last few weeks his behavior has gotten worse and it's been difficult.. In the morning he is unfriendly, silent and if I ask him anything he answers me roughly. I don't know if it's guilt, anger or what??? Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual or what??? Could be a few of these. He is also on medication for diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol... He's had one seizure that scared us both a couple years ago but has not had another since. Can alcohol use couple with meds and pot cause seizures???

Let me regress a bit though because this could be part of the problem... a couple of months ago he and my Amom got into a major argument , both saying hurtful things while they were intoxicated and he is now not welcome in my parent's house. This has been boiling for years because my husband has many times in the past been disrespectful and rude in his way with them. They have tried to be nice to him; my mom cooks him special dinners and buys beer for him when they know we are coming (bad idea of course) , they have helped us out many times with other things. I just don't understand why he can not just be nice to them. He is for a while but if my dad asks him to repeat what he said, Dad is eighty-two and has bad hearing, so my husband gets frustrated and repeats it but in a harsh manner. Both of his parents are dead btw. So all this attitude problem has been a source of contention with us for years. He seems to feel it is alright for him to make comments about my family but not his, which I wouldn't anyway because I am not like that. He has belittled my family for years. This last episode, and there have been many over the years, was the worst by far. It started with my husband answering my mother in a rude way and she blew up! No one wanted to get involved at first and their yelling escalated to mom saying his family has never helped us like they have and why he can't be kind and appreciative. When she brought his family into the mix he called her the b word. Finally I had to come between them and put a stop to it or he might have hit her. He says he wouldn't have done that but they were in each others faces. Not even my dad knew what to do or my brother who was there with his kids... It was awful. So now a few months later I am still a bit angry at all this because it has caused a rift in my family right before Christmas and all. He has told me he will not apologize and my mom doesn't want anyone over for Christmas this year except to give gifts and such to the grandkids... Like I said before this has been coming for years and maybe that's why I didn't try to stop it at first and let things run their course.... People need to have consequences for their actions.

So the last month or so he has been hard to live with off and on, especially during the day... like ignoring me, being unfriendly or even answering me coldly. What's strange is at night after he's had his 6-8 beers and pot he wants to talk and act like nothing is wrong even going out of his way to ask questions that are weird to see if I'll talk to him?? I try to give pleasant answers, but I'm perplexed. Sometimes if I don't talk much or say anything he doesn't like ( a stupid answer or if I don't agree with him) he gets angry and rants under his breath. I just ignore him after that. I do go to alanon meetings and am trying to learn boundaries and tools. The meetings have been most helpful. So while he's in his dark/strange mood I'll go do something on the computer, crochet or go to a friend's house etc.... God and His word have been my source of strength, peace and power. I pray for guidance and courage to respond in a way that will not give him the opportunity to blame me for his anger... because too often I've engaged in his rantings with some of my own and told him off etc...that was a fiasco. When he is in these picking fight moods I feel uncomfortable and don't like being around him.

I want to be clear this is not all the time but when he gets in these moods they last for days until finally he comes out of it and is better. He holds grudges and we, my sons and I , just know we have to ignore him and let him get through it on his own. Just a kind word every so often doesn't seem to work but I know he hears it and I pray for God's healing hand on him.
Thank you for listening... Sorry so long, just had to get some of it out. God bless to all

MsGrace

welcome Goldberry;

I know I've struggled so hard to try to understand A behavior...when so much of it is so painful, and not understandable. For me, I dove into Al Anon....it has literally saved my life. It's a process to learn to shift focus from the A's in the family to what I need to maintain my sanity and my peace...and I knew that ultimately that was my only task.

I've only just recently really accepted that learning about the disease is helpful in the process of detachment. If we take the hurtful things they say or do, we actually become as sick as they are. I so didn't want to do this. So accepting that I have choices....and can make boundaries.....and can take care of myself in spite of what the A does or doesn't do, is the only narrow path to serenity.

I've got a long way to go...but with the loving wise help in Al Anon and this forum....I get a little better each day.

Blessings to you...

TakingCharge999

Hugs Goldberry, I wish I had some wisdom to share but I don't... so I only offer ((BEAR HUGS)) and I hope all the best for you, may clarity come to you. The episode you describe is abusive, have you called the domestic violence line? I live in Mexico and I wish over here there were hotlines like the one you got in US, please use the help available to you before something worse happens.

Seren

Hi Goldberry!

I'm afraid I, too, have no magic words that will make this better for you. It sounds to me as though his years and years of alcohol and drug use have truly started to affect his brain. There is a book that talks about all of the physical changes brought about by alcohol use called "Under the Influence" that might help you understand.

I'm glad you have someplace else to go when he is in his moods and hope that you will continue to protect yourself and your peace of mind.

HG

Goldberry

Thank you, MsGrace, Takingcharge and hydrogirl, so much for your kind and encouraging words. It's just what I needed at this time. I thank you too for your wisdom and the tips you have given. May I do the same for you as I pray for each of you God's peace, love and faith...

I will be as careful as I can but I have never felt physically threatened... Ah has never hit me and only once long ago come close in 34 years of marriage. But he has been emotionally abusive for sure. Never occured to me about him being abusive in this way until recently... Doing my best to put God first and going to alanon has helped me become more immune to his hurtfulness/abuse than I used to be. I am more at peace. My husband has also told me he has arthritis in his shoulders and hand and the pain keeps him from sleeping well every night. I guess he is trying to use that as an excuse for his bad moods, addiction and rude behavior.
I don't think this is a good enough excuse but who am I to tell because I don't have pain like that. Still perplexed........

Grace and Peace