WendyOWilliams

As some may know, I finally kicked ABF out on Oct. 14 making him exABF. I suggested he go to rehab. He did. When he got out I had a fit of stupidity and invited him to stay with me until he figured something else out. This did not even last 24 hours.

The selfishness was still there - he slept late (while I worked), he spent what little unemployment money he had on a haircut, color, and fancy shampoo. He was late picking me up at the train after work, leaving me standing in the cold rain for 10 minutes (using my own car no less), and when I came home the bed wasn't made and the sink was full of dishes.

So I kicked him out again.

Then I pined for him. What a sick person I am. I thought about every nice thing he ever did, anything fun we ever did, and how physically attracted to him I am. I convinced myself that he's going to be sober from now on, get a great job, and start dating someone else. At a few points I was ready to beg him to come back.

These feelings were rough. I tried to distract myself but it was hard to keep away from facebook and not check on him. It was hard to stop looking at my phone ever 5 minutes hoping for a text.

But it's foolish, I know. Cause the day he would come back would be the day I would regret it. He has nothing - not a car, not a home, no money, no retirement savings, never been married, no kids, and I'm not sure his problems keeping a job were just due to drinking. He has some other issues - he speaks with a strange intonation sometimes and he's intellectually slow sometimes - I wonder if he has brain damage from the drinking or some other issue he never told me about.

I have this amazing event coming up at work - a company trip to an amazing vacation destination. Before we broke up I realized I didn't want to take him. My workplace revolves around some very intelligent people - many of them far smarter than I, but I fit into their crowd. I thought about how embarrassing he would be there - he would not fit in and frankly they would think less of me for being with such a doofus. And then I realized - if he's not good enough to bring to a work event, why is he good enough to have in my life? Even if he gets a great job and keeps it, he is not capable of being my full partner. So I'm taking my son on the trip instead.

But for anyone out there tonight pining over an alcoholic, I ask that you think about the big picture. Know that even if they sober up, that is just the starting point. Everything isn't going to be magically fixed. Those flaws that you hate, that any couple experiences, are still there. And they won't get priority because he will be focused on sobriety.

And don't you deserve better? I deserve a sober man. I deserve to spend my money on me and not some man who can't get it together. I deserve someone who wants to make love to me, not pretend we're in some porn movie all the time.

I have a lot of work to do on me too. Did I accept him for these years because he was easy to control and I felt safe with a partner who was so controllable? Why is he my second alcoholic partner? Of all the men who showed interest in me, why did I pick him when he had nothing at all to offer me? And scariest of all - did I really love him or was he just a project?