bella13

Hi! My situation is this: I was with the same man since I was 19. We are both now 30. We dated for 7 years and were married for three years. Two weeks ago today we got divorced. For 2 years of our marriage we dealt with infertility issues . We went through 6 inseminations and 2 In-Vitros. We both have mild issues. My husband was told by an Urologist that he shoul not drink a lot or chew. He had a problem with the shape of his sperm and alcohol and chew would effect it. He tried to stop but it didn't last long. He denie that he has fertility issues and blames me. It makes me think that he got maybe her pregnant. After the 2nd IVF I had a chemical pregnancy(early miscarriage). One moth later I found a hotel charge dating back to 6 months earlier. When I questioned him about it said it was a "friend" who was cheating. When I came home from work their was a note(yes, a note) that said that I obviously didn't trust him and he needed to take a break from our marriage. Now, 7 months later we are divorced. He had been having an affair with a 21 year old who he is still with. He has cheated basically our entire marriage. My ex has admitted that he is an alcoholic but he doesn't see the problem. He has blamed me and called me a loser and crazy and that I just need to move on to someone else because he has. His friend(also an alcoholic) told be that mine and my ex's relationship was obviously lacking something and he needed to go elsewhere to get whatever it was lacking. When I asked what it was lacking he said that I nagged my ex too much about his drinking. Can you believe that? Through the entire divorce my ex denied this girl. Her friend was the one that spilled the beans. She asked him to leave me two years ago and he wouldn't. So, they didn't talk for a year and then got back together. My husband swore up and down that he never cheated on me. He was such a good liar. Before he left he was drinking almost everyday. He has blamed so much of this on me. He did write a letter a couple months back saying how he hate what he did to me and he was sorry and wanted to be friends. Then he came to get the divorce papers and stole the letter back. Of coarse, he lied about that too. I just don't understand what happened or how he could do this. Is this typical behavior for an alcoholic? Please help! I find myself with low self esteem now, I don't trust men period, and I cry alot.

Ann

Bella

The man is an alcoholic, and alcoholics often lie and often cheat. And they blame anyone except themselves for any problems that may cause, because it would be too painful for them to admit that THEY were the problem.

Once you realize that, you will understand that you didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it (the 3 C's). If you were the most beautiful and wonderful wife in the world, he would still find fault.

Well you are beautiful and wonderful and all you have to do is recognize that and know that your future will be a whole bunch brighter with this man out of your life.

If you haven't been to Al-Anon, it might be a good idea, even though you are divorcing him. The 12-step program is about US and teaches us to love ourselves again and to cope with life by staying balanced. It is certainly worth a try. What have you got to lose?

Sending hugs and prayers that you will heal from this and find light to replace the darkness in your life.

Hugs
Ann

12 Step Girl

Dear Bella,

(((((((((((((Big hug))))))))))))))))) to you! Im so sorry your hurting right now. I certainly understand your pain. Youve come to the right place for love and support.

To answer you question; YES!!!! that is typical A behavior. See below:

1. Lying
2. Blaming others for HIS drinking
3. Manipulating
4. Cheating (not always, but frequently Ive seen it)

Its easier to put it all on others, bails from their loves one, find another chicke who doesnt complain, nag etc,,,and pretend like they are not sick. They are,,,,this disease affects not only the body, but the brain and mind. It tells the brain that they do not have it (denial) therefore everyone else is nuts. And what do they do when people are nuts, they bail. Im sorry for your loss, I know it su**s nuts,,,,but try to get to an Al Anon meeting, you will find much much much relief and help.

In the mean time, keep coming here to SR, we will love you until you learn to love yourself!

Daffodil

Welcome Bella,
I'd like to remind you that the marrage may have failed BUT YOU DIDN'T.....
You are so much more than a wife, how be it an ex....You are a wonderful, devine child of a Higher Power...
You are not alone unless you choose to be....Keep coming back and try the suggests of the post before me...
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daff

Sandman

I feel for you. Add another on the list who can udnerstand what you are going through. You don't need to trust men right now, just trust yourself and/or learn to trust yourself. Everything else will follow frim there.

My A wife spent a lot of effort trying to convince me that I was a despicable person sometimes I even believed it (like she did a Jedi mind trick on me). Once I began again to trust myself, I could see more clearly who I am. And though not perfect I am not nearly the person my wife would have had me believe.

I wish you the best and hope you are kind to you.

Gabe

God bless you sweetie. None of this is your fault. He tells you it is because he refuses to shoulder his share of the blame. It sounds like he has done nothing but lie to you and cheat on you for a long time. Do not, not, not let this convince you that you are somehow at fault. You aren't. He is. You went to extraordinary lengths to have a child with this man. And he has been a very bad boy.
Believe that you are a good person and that you deserve good things. Then do something to reflect that belief. Buy yourself something pretty. Look in the mirror and smile. Close your eyes and remember the powerful, confident woman that you are. Bad things have happened to you. This is not the end. Perhaps it is the beginning of a whole new beautiful life. One day at a time, we get beyond our pain. Hugs to you.
Peace,
Gabe

myles1

Yes this is completely typical of an Alcoholic. If you can get some counselling for awhile and attend some alanon meetings.

Don't swallow his garbage none of this is your fault.

I know you don't see it now but one day you'll be glad he's gone.

Ngaire

bella13

Thank you for everyones input. It is so hard to understand this disease. I wonder if he ever misses me or feels bad. I wonder if he is happier with her?

bella13

Thank you for everyones input. It is so hard to understand this disease. I wonder if he ever misses me or feels bad. I wonder if he is happier with her? I wonder if he regrets his choice to divorce me? All these questions and I'll never know the truth.

myles1

Bella,

They do miss us,they miss what we do for them,they miss us taking responsibility for them,they miss us enabling them they do miss all that.

But they are so selfish and self-centered that they only care about THEM not about us.

So if someone comes along that they figure will further THEM then they go for it.

He'll do the same thing to her Bella,don't worry. He's sick.

Take care of you. It's hard to believe but one day you won't whether he misses you or not.

Ngaire

12stepmarce

I suggest that you go to Al-Anon. Meetings will help you sort it out. You can cry freely there.

You are sick. You need help. Al-Anon has the solutions. I pray you go.