Legally Separated! OMG I did it.
Lord Have Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Legally Separated! OMG I did it.
Hi Everyone--
I have been hanging around these forums for quite a while now, dealing with my AW who has been drinking vodka heavily on and off for 10 years. I love her very much, she's sweet and gentle by nature, but that doesn't keep her from drinking herself into the hospital regularly, ignoring warnings, and making poor social decisions.
Most of you understand irrational behavior, caretaking, parenting, putting up with God-knows-what, embarrassment, confusion, uncertainty, worry, fear, etc -- I've done it all!
Well here's something new: one week ago I was declared "legally separated" by a judge. 17 years of marriage, no kids. Because I am a business owner, this cost me every penny I had: all liquid cash in bank accounts, all money in retirement plans, a rental property, plus payments for 6 years. I had more money when I graduated college, than I do right now.
* Never underestimate what a man will pay for his freedom. *
In an unconventional arrangement, we continue to co-own our house and live there as tenants in common. She is getting her own bank accounts and will be 100% responsible for her own bills. If she wants to go to rehab, she can pay, she can basically do anything she wants.
For my part, I don't have to worry about what she thinks anymore. Live, and let live. I am no longer afraid of her, afraid of "what if", and most of all, I don't have to carry the burden of HER SOBRIETY any longer. I don't have to answer questions about it -- she's in God's hands now. As if I ever had any control anyway. I sucked at keeping her sober. Alcohol kicked my a$$.
My general conclusions: 1) I love my wife, I have loved her since the day we met. Hence I have been dealing with her kindly and with patience, LORD help me. 2) I'm going slow. Real slow. Like 1 day at a time slow. 3) It's hard to explain this to other people, and that's OK too.
I don't know what's going to happen next, but hopefully this dramatic, radical "experiment" will work out best for both of us. Does giving an alcoholic more responsibility, ever make them more responsible? Time will tell.
I am regularly reminded as I read these forums, what it was like to REALIZE that I was married to an alcoholic. Learning about physical addition, shaky hands, alcohol withdrawal, siezures, medical problems, liver failure -- etc etc etc. I never knew ANYTHING about this. I was just a fun guy who married what appeared to be a "normal" person.
It's like slowly waking up and realizing that you are stuck in a nightmare that is supposed to be happening to someone else. It's like a lot of things. I thought of another saying:
* When you are drowning, you don't care if someone offers you a cheese burger. *
Life has so many things to offer and to be honest, I haven't really had time to step back from my own monumental drama to see (or care) about other people, events, hobbies, gatherings, and interests. I was trying to "solve", aka "survive" doing the best I could each day. My motivation was so good, and the results turned out so bad.
My wife wants to save our marriage and continues to feel she's doing "pretty good" with her daily vodka drinking. That is delusional, but hopefully now, in time, she will take the reigns of her life and decide FOR HERSELF that she's finally done.
I guess I'm just grateful. Thank you to all of you who post regularly, who give encouragement, and gently share your wisdom with the wandering souls who land in this forum.
May the good LORD have mercy on us all, especially the ones we love.
Happy Thanksgiving,
djayr
I have been hanging around these forums for quite a while now, dealing with my AW who has been drinking vodka heavily on and off for 10 years. I love her very much, she's sweet and gentle by nature, but that doesn't keep her from drinking herself into the hospital regularly, ignoring warnings, and making poor social decisions.
Most of you understand irrational behavior, caretaking, parenting, putting up with God-knows-what, embarrassment, confusion, uncertainty, worry, fear, etc -- I've done it all!
Well here's something new: one week ago I was declared "legally separated" by a judge. 17 years of marriage, no kids. Because I am a business owner, this cost me every penny I had: all liquid cash in bank accounts, all money in retirement plans, a rental property, plus payments for 6 years. I had more money when I graduated college, than I do right now.
* Never underestimate what a man will pay for his freedom. *
In an unconventional arrangement, we continue to co-own our house and live there as tenants in common. She is getting her own bank accounts and will be 100% responsible for her own bills. If she wants to go to rehab, she can pay, she can basically do anything she wants.
For my part, I don't have to worry about what she thinks anymore. Live, and let live. I am no longer afraid of her, afraid of "what if", and most of all, I don't have to carry the burden of HER SOBRIETY any longer. I don't have to answer questions about it -- she's in God's hands now. As if I ever had any control anyway. I sucked at keeping her sober. Alcohol kicked my a$$.
My general conclusions: 1) I love my wife, I have loved her since the day we met. Hence I have been dealing with her kindly and with patience, LORD help me. 2) I'm going slow. Real slow. Like 1 day at a time slow. 3) It's hard to explain this to other people, and that's OK too.
I don't know what's going to happen next, but hopefully this dramatic, radical "experiment" will work out best for both of us. Does giving an alcoholic more responsibility, ever make them more responsible? Time will tell.
I am regularly reminded as I read these forums, what it was like to REALIZE that I was married to an alcoholic. Learning about physical addition, shaky hands, alcohol withdrawal, siezures, medical problems, liver failure -- etc etc etc. I never knew ANYTHING about this. I was just a fun guy who married what appeared to be a "normal" person.
It's like slowly waking up and realizing that you are stuck in a nightmare that is supposed to be happening to someone else. It's like a lot of things. I thought of another saying:
* When you are drowning, you don't care if someone offers you a cheese burger. *
Life has so many things to offer and to be honest, I haven't really had time to step back from my own monumental drama to see (or care) about other people, events, hobbies, gatherings, and interests. I was trying to "solve", aka "survive" doing the best I could each day. My motivation was so good, and the results turned out so bad.
My wife wants to save our marriage and continues to feel she's doing "pretty good" with her daily vodka drinking. That is delusional, but hopefully now, in time, she will take the reigns of her life and decide FOR HERSELF that she's finally done.
I guess I'm just grateful. Thank you to all of you who post regularly, who give encouragement, and gently share your wisdom with the wandering souls who land in this forum.
May the good LORD have mercy on us all, especially the ones we love.
Happy Thanksgiving,
djayr
Way to go! Good for you! I am excited for you! 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
"Life has so many things to offer and to be honest, I haven't really had time to step back from my own monumental drama to see (or care) about other people, events, hobbies, gatherings, and interests. I was trying to "solve", aka "survive" doing the best I could each day. My motivation was so good, and the results turned out so bad."
WOW! What a powerful little paragraph you typed. I am happy for the step forward you are taking in your life. Hopefully you will have the time now to step back and enjoy life instead of worrying about it day to day. It gets so frustrating and relentless to have to deal with and babysit an alcoholic. Congrats.
WOW! What a powerful little paragraph you typed. I am happy for the step forward you are taking in your life. Hopefully you will have the time now to step back and enjoy life instead of worrying about it day to day. It gets so frustrating and relentless to have to deal with and babysit an alcoholic. Congrats.
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