My Dad gave up hope
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Yuma, AZ
Posts: 6
My Dad gave up hope
Hello,
About a year ago my Dad had a breakdown. He ran away from home, drank heavily, spent thousands of dollars on inappropriate adult websites, and contemplated suicide. After about a week, he returned after I sent him an email begging him to let us know he was ok. He took himself straight to a mental health hospital for help with his depression and alcoholism. Since then he has tried many different types of clinics, therapists, classes, meds, church, etc. For a while he was trying really hard to get better. He had a couple relapses but usually only lasted a couple days then he would try even harder to get better. But about a month ago, he just gave up. He drinks all the time and wastes soooo much money on the internet. My Mom is trying extremely hard to help him (being supportive, going to Al Anon classes, etc) but it's getting really hard for her. He's become mean to her (not physically) and wastes all their money on adult sites in front of her. I live in another state and they just came down to visit me, the other day we were in the store and he grabbed a bottle of wine. I told him I don't approve of him drinking and if he were to buy that, or drink at all while they were with me, I would leave and stay elsewhere. He got mad but put it back. He said "I guess I don't have any rights anymore".
He knows he has a problem, he's admitted it... he just gave up trying to get better. He said he just couldn't do it and maybe he can work on his other problems instead. But he stopped taking all his medication, because he didn't like the way they made him feel (lethargic). I don't know how to help. He was NEVER like this before last year. He used to have a beer at night but rarely got drunk. He always thought of us before himself. Always a very caring father and husband to my mom. But now, he's not. He puts on an act around me, tries to be happier and only got mad at me that one time when I asked him not to buy the wine. It's really hard for me to talk to my Dad about this stuff but I feel if I don't tell him I don't want to be around him drinking, it would be partially my fault if something happens (because I let him do what he wants). He's been sober for over a week now because of me, and he's starting to act normal again but I know as soon as my parents leave, he'll be drinking again and my mom will be crying herself to sleep again.
Can I get some advice? Is there something I can tell him or talk to him about to help him? He suffers from Alcoholism, depression, ocd, porn addiction, and anxiety. I worry that if I'm too hard on him, he'll get more depressed. Sorry this was so long, I appreciate any advice or helpful comments. Thank you.
About a year ago my Dad had a breakdown. He ran away from home, drank heavily, spent thousands of dollars on inappropriate adult websites, and contemplated suicide. After about a week, he returned after I sent him an email begging him to let us know he was ok. He took himself straight to a mental health hospital for help with his depression and alcoholism. Since then he has tried many different types of clinics, therapists, classes, meds, church, etc. For a while he was trying really hard to get better. He had a couple relapses but usually only lasted a couple days then he would try even harder to get better. But about a month ago, he just gave up. He drinks all the time and wastes soooo much money on the internet. My Mom is trying extremely hard to help him (being supportive, going to Al Anon classes, etc) but it's getting really hard for her. He's become mean to her (not physically) and wastes all their money on adult sites in front of her. I live in another state and they just came down to visit me, the other day we were in the store and he grabbed a bottle of wine. I told him I don't approve of him drinking and if he were to buy that, or drink at all while they were with me, I would leave and stay elsewhere. He got mad but put it back. He said "I guess I don't have any rights anymore".
He knows he has a problem, he's admitted it... he just gave up trying to get better. He said he just couldn't do it and maybe he can work on his other problems instead. But he stopped taking all his medication, because he didn't like the way they made him feel (lethargic). I don't know how to help. He was NEVER like this before last year. He used to have a beer at night but rarely got drunk. He always thought of us before himself. Always a very caring father and husband to my mom. But now, he's not. He puts on an act around me, tries to be happier and only got mad at me that one time when I asked him not to buy the wine. It's really hard for me to talk to my Dad about this stuff but I feel if I don't tell him I don't want to be around him drinking, it would be partially my fault if something happens (because I let him do what he wants). He's been sober for over a week now because of me, and he's starting to act normal again but I know as soon as my parents leave, he'll be drinking again and my mom will be crying herself to sleep again.
Can I get some advice? Is there something I can tell him or talk to him about to help him? He suffers from Alcoholism, depression, ocd, porn addiction, and anxiety. I worry that if I'm too hard on him, he'll get more depressed. Sorry this was so long, I appreciate any advice or helpful comments. Thank you.
Last edited by Sarsh; 11-28-2011 at 02:31 PM. Reason: forgot to mention meds
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
So sorry, Sarsh, that you are going through this. I don't have any advice on what to say to him. You may want to try Al-Anon for support coping with these issues. I can't explain how he suddenly began to have these issues, other than to say that I've noticed that folks with mental illness and addiction problems seem to me to get worse as the years go by with no treatment. (((Hugs))) I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Yuma, AZ
Posts: 6
Thanks Learn 2 Live. I've thought about Al Anon but the only meeting times in my town are during my work hours. I love my Dad and I'm trying not to let this past year define who he is to me, but as time goes on and his unwillingness to try anymore makes it hard for me to see the amazing person he once was. My Parents have been married for 37 years and now I'm wondering if I should talk to my mom about leaving him. I don't think either of them could afford to live on their own though... they are both retired and not really healthy enough to work (Dad with all his problems and my Mom has rheumatoid arthritis along with other issues). She doesn't want to leave him beause she loves him and worries what would happen to him... I worry what would happen to him too if she left... but it's just not fair for her.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your family is a ring of codependency, round n round you all go, where? Nobody knows.
My mother is main alcoholic in my life, she is a world champion boozer..been 65 years and still slamming them down. There is NOTHING I can do to help her. I either go down with the ship or keep rowing to the shore...to save me. Do I love her...yes, somehow I believe that I do, however, she will die an alcoholic...and this is her choice.
Your mother is not going to go anywhere, your father is going to keep drinking...so, what are you going to do? Accept their choices and move forward or keep trying to save them...they, as adults made their own life choices...what about you?
My mother is main alcoholic in my life, she is a world champion boozer..been 65 years and still slamming them down. There is NOTHING I can do to help her. I either go down with the ship or keep rowing to the shore...to save me. Do I love her...yes, somehow I believe that I do, however, she will die an alcoholic...and this is her choice.
Your mother is not going to go anywhere, your father is going to keep drinking...so, what are you going to do? Accept their choices and move forward or keep trying to save them...they, as adults made their own life choices...what about you?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I don't know how to help her with protecting their finances. At first my dad got rid of all the credit cards and had my mom take his name off the checking accounts so he couldn't misuse any more money. But since this last breakdown he just flat out tells her that it's his money (his retirement check is bigger than hers and the rest of the money they have came from his parents when they passed away) and he should be able to spend it the way he wants to (even though it was HIS idea to take his name off the accounts before). They have always seen money as both theirs until now. So she can't really protect it since it's not "her" money. It's such a weird situation...
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Dollydo,
I understand what your saying but I have a hard time giving up on them just yet. It's only been one bad year out of a lifetime of good and happiness. I still believe there's hope for my Dad since he's still somewhat new to all this horribleness... but he just can't see it. I think if I told my Mom to leave him, she would consider it more... I feel like she's trying to stay together with him because he is our father and she doesn't want us to hurt if something happens to him once she left. I just don't know if I should tell her to go because things might go downhill for both of them after that.
I understand what your saying but I have a hard time giving up on them just yet. It's only been one bad year out of a lifetime of good and happiness. I still believe there's hope for my Dad since he's still somewhat new to all this horribleness... but he just can't see it. I think if I told my Mom to leave him, she would consider it more... I feel like she's trying to stay together with him because he is our father and she doesn't want us to hurt if something happens to him once she left. I just don't know if I should tell her to go because things might go downhill for both of them after that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To be honest, if you could reach behind "Their Walls", it was not as you envision it to be.
Are you saying that your dad never drank before a year ago and did not display any unusual behavior? That is very hard for me to believe, in my experience a person does not go from never drinking to going out on a long binge, alcoholism is a progressive disease.
It is not your place to tell your mother to do anything. It is your place to set your own bounderies, and if either one oversteps them you move forward, with your life. You do not have the power to control or change either of them.
Are your going to Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More...both are a good starting point.
Are you saying that your dad never drank before a year ago and did not display any unusual behavior? That is very hard for me to believe, in my experience a person does not go from never drinking to going out on a long binge, alcoholism is a progressive disease.
It is not your place to tell your mother to do anything. It is your place to set your own bounderies, and if either one oversteps them you move forward, with your life. You do not have the power to control or change either of them.
Are your going to Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More...both are a good starting point.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Yuma, AZ
Posts: 6
Dollydo, he used to drink before a year ago. Just not excessive. He never acted weird before then either. Everyone was in shock when all this started... I think that's what makes it so hard for us, because we know what a great person he really is but now he just let's the alcohol ruin that. Thank you for the book suggestion, I'll look into that. I just can't go to an Al anon class because I live in a little town that only has a few different times for those meetings and I work during all those times.
True2Myself: Yes, the porn is a behavior change. His behavior changed completely almost overnight. When he returned after disappearing for a week, they did a physical on him and believe he had a stroke at some point while he was gone but no brain tumor.
My parents have given me everything I needed as I grew up and was always there for me. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for them. I just want to be there for them and help them in anyway I can without overhelping... you know what I mean? It just confuses me that he can be sober around me and be happy around me but he can't keep it up when I'm not there.
True2Myself: Yes, the porn is a behavior change. His behavior changed completely almost overnight. When he returned after disappearing for a week, they did a physical on him and believe he had a stroke at some point while he was gone but no brain tumor.
My parents have given me everything I needed as I grew up and was always there for me. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for them. I just want to be there for them and help them in anyway I can without overhelping... you know what I mean? It just confuses me that he can be sober around me and be happy around me but he can't keep it up when I'm not there.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much to hear of your parents going thru this difficult time ~
I agree with the suggestion of AL-Anon for you and your mom - it may help both of you to set the boundaries and to know how to take care of yourselves if your father continues on this downward spiral.
Another suggestion (and it's just a suggestion) has your mother spoken with your dad's doctor about his radical change in behavior? Especially since he was diagnosed with a stroke? If he is not making competent decisions, then your mom might also want to contact an attorney to seek some legal advise about protecting her and YOUR father finanically.
I don't know if your dad is an alcoholic and the disease has progressed or if he has other medical issues and it is causing him to act irresponsible - I'm not qualified to make those decisons - but their are professionals that can help you and your family with those issues.
Prayers & PINK HUGS for the best for you & your family.
Rita
I agree with the suggestion of AL-Anon for you and your mom - it may help both of you to set the boundaries and to know how to take care of yourselves if your father continues on this downward spiral.
Another suggestion (and it's just a suggestion) has your mother spoken with your dad's doctor about his radical change in behavior? Especially since he was diagnosed with a stroke? If he is not making competent decisions, then your mom might also want to contact an attorney to seek some legal advise about protecting her and YOUR father finanically.
I don't know if your dad is an alcoholic and the disease has progressed or if he has other medical issues and it is causing him to act irresponsible - I'm not qualified to make those decisons - but their are professionals that can help you and your family with those issues.
Prayers & PINK HUGS for the best for you & your family.
Rita
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