Feelings and Boundaries
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Feelings and Boundaries
I extracted myself from the madness that came with dealing with XABF and his family. I initially blocked all his numbers, and those of his more insistent family members. I reported him to the counselor at work whenever I caught him stalking me, prompting another return to the counselor's office the next work day, until the next step would have been taking the issue to HR and filing a report. He eventually stopped stalking me, and I started to relax.
His daughter decided to drag him into a psychologist or something, and discovered I had blocked her number, so she went through his sister who called me and tried to pull me back in. His daughter wanted me to go through all the details of my relationship with him so that she could tell the psychologist and somehow get him the help he needs because goodness knows he's incapable of telling the truth and psychologists don't know how to deal with liar. Or some such nonsense.
With the help of my sponsor I managed to escape that one gracefully. My personal relationship with her father was none of her business, especially since the relationship had ended months ago and I was trying to move on.
Shortly after, I changed my phone number.
I have moved on with my life, and I just wish they'd stop trying to drag me back into the mess with him. The latest drama is that he now has a tumor, and is in an induced coma at a local hospital, and I need to call his sister to answer questions about him. I have not had any sort of personal relationship with this man for almost a year. I haven't spent more than an hour with him at any one time since December 22, 2010, the day he tore my apartment apart and I spent the night at work, the beginning of my absolute bottom. He went to rehab, and I cut off contact while he was there. He spent time stalking me for awhile, then eventually gave up, and now I suppose his family is trying to fill in the "XABF following me around and harassing me" void that he left when he gave up.
I feel sorry for him - I do! I'll pray for him, I bear him no ill will, but his tumor is not my responsibility, and should he ever come out of that coma and learn that I had any contact with his family the stalking will most likely start up again. I can't go see him - it's not fair to either of us, and it's not safe for me, nor is it my responsibility.
I understand his family trying to reach out for me, I really do. I can't fault them for that, it's the way they've been trying to upsets me. They know where I live, his sister knows my home Al-Anon group, they know my address and my email address both for work and personal, and what do they do?
First they contact a co-worker on Tuesday, and have her send me a message. She kept asking "Do you want to hear some news about our personal 'friend'?" and started telling me anyway when I answered "No." The message merely stated that he had a tumor, he was in an induced coma, and the name of the hospital where he was (which, knowing from a different co-worker that this message came from his family, makes it clear they expect me to visit or something).
Then XABF's sister left a voicemail on my phone Tuesday night, stating that XABF's health was bad, and that she had some questions she needed to ask me to help him. Anything I could share is outdated anyway, so it's a hook to pull me in. Of all his family she'd be the one I'd be most likely to talk to, but it's not fair to her to be the go-between for XABF's daughter (who is most likely the one pushing things), and I don't need this drama anyway.
The part that really upsets me, though, is that the called XABF's manager, who called my manager to ask for my personal cell phone number. This new number I got to clear out all the dead weight, this number I got so I wouldn't have to block his family anymore, and they're asking for it. From my MANAGER.
This, to me, is a giant boundary crossed. My manager is a great person, thankfully, and would not divulge my information, but did feel that he should call me since they were pressuring him about how important things were. I told him that I was already aware of things, that there wasn't anything I could do about it anyway, and to please not pass on any further messages on the subject.
His family is getting my BOSS involved. Who does that? Who brings personal information to work and tries to use that to manipulate a personal phone number out of someone? Who tells someone's boss about a "personal issue" that hasn't been their issue for almost a year (and was never really their issue to begin with)?!?
Typing that out makes me feel a lot better.
I feel sorry for him, I really do, and any prayers sent in XABF's direction would be appreciated - I mean that. I really do mean that. I wouldn't wish his present situation on anyone.
But he's not my responsibility anymore, and for my own health and sanity and safety and everything else important in my life I cannot reopen that book again. And I won't get involved, I won't send anything, I won't visit, I won't talk to his family - I won't! I can't do that, and still remain true to myself.
I know I have made my position quite clear to his family with regards to XABF and his issues, especially after the whole psychologist incident. If they didn't get that message by now, it's because they don't want to, not because I wasn't clear.
So if anyone has any suggestions for getting his family to leave me alone that don't involve quitting my job and moving cross-country, I'm all ears.
His daughter decided to drag him into a psychologist or something, and discovered I had blocked her number, so she went through his sister who called me and tried to pull me back in. His daughter wanted me to go through all the details of my relationship with him so that she could tell the psychologist and somehow get him the help he needs because goodness knows he's incapable of telling the truth and psychologists don't know how to deal with liar. Or some such nonsense.
With the help of my sponsor I managed to escape that one gracefully. My personal relationship with her father was none of her business, especially since the relationship had ended months ago and I was trying to move on.
Shortly after, I changed my phone number.
I have moved on with my life, and I just wish they'd stop trying to drag me back into the mess with him. The latest drama is that he now has a tumor, and is in an induced coma at a local hospital, and I need to call his sister to answer questions about him. I have not had any sort of personal relationship with this man for almost a year. I haven't spent more than an hour with him at any one time since December 22, 2010, the day he tore my apartment apart and I spent the night at work, the beginning of my absolute bottom. He went to rehab, and I cut off contact while he was there. He spent time stalking me for awhile, then eventually gave up, and now I suppose his family is trying to fill in the "XABF following me around and harassing me" void that he left when he gave up.
I feel sorry for him - I do! I'll pray for him, I bear him no ill will, but his tumor is not my responsibility, and should he ever come out of that coma and learn that I had any contact with his family the stalking will most likely start up again. I can't go see him - it's not fair to either of us, and it's not safe for me, nor is it my responsibility.
I understand his family trying to reach out for me, I really do. I can't fault them for that, it's the way they've been trying to upsets me. They know where I live, his sister knows my home Al-Anon group, they know my address and my email address both for work and personal, and what do they do?
First they contact a co-worker on Tuesday, and have her send me a message. She kept asking "Do you want to hear some news about our personal 'friend'?" and started telling me anyway when I answered "No." The message merely stated that he had a tumor, he was in an induced coma, and the name of the hospital where he was (which, knowing from a different co-worker that this message came from his family, makes it clear they expect me to visit or something).
Then XABF's sister left a voicemail on my phone Tuesday night, stating that XABF's health was bad, and that she had some questions she needed to ask me to help him. Anything I could share is outdated anyway, so it's a hook to pull me in. Of all his family she'd be the one I'd be most likely to talk to, but it's not fair to her to be the go-between for XABF's daughter (who is most likely the one pushing things), and I don't need this drama anyway.
The part that really upsets me, though, is that the called XABF's manager, who called my manager to ask for my personal cell phone number. This new number I got to clear out all the dead weight, this number I got so I wouldn't have to block his family anymore, and they're asking for it. From my MANAGER.
This, to me, is a giant boundary crossed. My manager is a great person, thankfully, and would not divulge my information, but did feel that he should call me since they were pressuring him about how important things were. I told him that I was already aware of things, that there wasn't anything I could do about it anyway, and to please not pass on any further messages on the subject.
His family is getting my BOSS involved. Who does that? Who brings personal information to work and tries to use that to manipulate a personal phone number out of someone? Who tells someone's boss about a "personal issue" that hasn't been their issue for almost a year (and was never really their issue to begin with)?!?
Typing that out makes me feel a lot better.
I feel sorry for him, I really do, and any prayers sent in XABF's direction would be appreciated - I mean that. I really do mean that. I wouldn't wish his present situation on anyone.
But he's not my responsibility anymore, and for my own health and sanity and safety and everything else important in my life I cannot reopen that book again. And I won't get involved, I won't send anything, I won't visit, I won't talk to his family - I won't! I can't do that, and still remain true to myself.
I know I have made my position quite clear to his family with regards to XABF and his issues, especially after the whole psychologist incident. If they didn't get that message by now, it's because they don't want to, not because I wasn't clear.
So if anyone has any suggestions for getting his family to leave me alone that don't involve quitting my job and moving cross-country, I'm all ears.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I would agree that ignoring is your best option at this point. The lines of appropriate behavior have definitely been crossed. I would consider putting something in writing to your boss regarding your wishes just to cover the both of you. Harassment is illegal and grounds for a restraining order if it should come to that. Keep records of all inappropriate contact/behavior just in case you should find yourself needing proof of it in the future.
Sorry you're dealing with this. ((()))
L
Sorry you're dealing with this. ((()))
L
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I am doing okay. I was very stressed out last week for various reasons related to this, and I worked through everything except this boundary violation. I'll be fine, not worried about that - and my manager has already put his own job on the line to back me up in the past due to performance issues while I was with XABF, so I can count on his support now when I'm one of his more productive employees...
This is just a new low for them, and I'm not happy about it.
There are plenty of routes to take without involving my boss. They haven't even attempted emailing me, or showing up at my Al-Anon meeting, or mailing a letter, or any of the other easier ways to contact me directly, so this wasn't a last resort on their part.
My boss is currently kicked out of his office this week due to year-end reviews (he shares an office right now, and the other manager is doing his reviews this week), so he's doing all his business on his cell phone.
He just called me about a business trip I had asked him to approve, and I didn't answer because I didn't recognize his cell phone number. When I called him back I told him why I didn't answer, and we had a brief discussion about this whole thing. He doesn't know all the details, although I'm sure he's guessed at plenty.
I basically informed him that "brain tumors are not my responsibility" and he laughed and agreed. I am hoping this is a one-time deal, but I did tell him that I didn't want to get involved in any of this. He's a great manager, and understands how much stress XABF's situation caused me last year. He loves the new, improved, productive me, and believe me, he'll do whatever he can to help me stay this way.
I really hope they get the message and stop, though.
I sincerely hope things don't have to take a legal route, either - XABF's daughter, the ringleader for this whole thing, is a hotshot attorney at a rather big-name legal firm with a lot of influence elsewhere (plus his one son is also a rather successful attorney with his own set of friends), so it would not be pretty.
Don't get involved with anyone who has a close relationship to a lawyer, btw. It's more trouble than its worth.
This is just a new low for them, and I'm not happy about it.
There are plenty of routes to take without involving my boss. They haven't even attempted emailing me, or showing up at my Al-Anon meeting, or mailing a letter, or any of the other easier ways to contact me directly, so this wasn't a last resort on their part.
My boss is currently kicked out of his office this week due to year-end reviews (he shares an office right now, and the other manager is doing his reviews this week), so he's doing all his business on his cell phone.
He just called me about a business trip I had asked him to approve, and I didn't answer because I didn't recognize his cell phone number. When I called him back I told him why I didn't answer, and we had a brief discussion about this whole thing. He doesn't know all the details, although I'm sure he's guessed at plenty.
I basically informed him that "brain tumors are not my responsibility" and he laughed and agreed. I am hoping this is a one-time deal, but I did tell him that I didn't want to get involved in any of this. He's a great manager, and understands how much stress XABF's situation caused me last year. He loves the new, improved, productive me, and believe me, he'll do whatever he can to help me stay this way.
I really hope they get the message and stop, though.
I sincerely hope things don't have to take a legal route, either - XABF's daughter, the ringleader for this whole thing, is a hotshot attorney at a rather big-name legal firm with a lot of influence elsewhere (plus his one son is also a rather successful attorney with his own set of friends), so it would not be pretty.
Don't get involved with anyone who has a close relationship to a lawyer, btw. It's more trouble than its worth.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Well.
Got a call a half-hour ago from the therapist here at work. XABF's daughter had just called him, and he thought he'd call me and see whether I knew what was going on, and whether or not I needed his support.
Turns out the doctors have advised his family that the odds of XABF surviving this are very slim, and they're exploring their options and trying to make some decisions.
Addiction claims another one.
Damn.
At least he'll be at peace.
Got a call a half-hour ago from the therapist here at work. XABF's daughter had just called him, and he thought he'd call me and see whether I knew what was going on, and whether or not I needed his support.
Turns out the doctors have advised his family that the odds of XABF surviving this are very slim, and they're exploring their options and trying to make some decisions.
Addiction claims another one.
Damn.
At least he'll be at peace.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
XABF died last night.
I don't know the details. Part of me wants to know the details, but the sane part of me knows that I really don't want to know.
One of my co-workers, a friend of his, came in because she said she didn't know who else to talk to. She assumed I had already heard the news, and I didn't want to go into detail of the whole alcoholism/no-contract business by explaining that I had no contact with him or his family as far as I could help it, so I only picked up bits and pieces, but she did mention that it happened last night.
Last night I was speaking at an Al-Anon meeting, about Detaching with Love, and how it doesn't say who the love needs to be for, and that detaching with love for self is a healthy response. I can't get drawn into the process, his family has a right to their grief and I have a right to mine but that doesn't mean that we should do it together. I think it's more appropriate to keep the space.
It's a shame, though... For all the problems with whiskey, and all the abuse, he had quite a few redeeming qualities. He has been a good friend to a lot of people, and made a lot of positive changes both at work and outside of work.
He would volunteer at elementary schools to interest students in science, engineering, and technology; he was on the board of a prominent university in the city; he was a frequent guest lecturer at another university; he bent over backwards to defend a group at work who did great work and frequently came under fire by fearful management; he'd go out of his way to help a friend with pretty much any problem.
I had always hoped that he'd be able to kick the addiction and become more of the person that he tried to be, rather than the angry, fearful, abusive person he was becoming (just add whiskey!), but it wasn't meant to be.
Addiction is a horrible disease.
I don't know the details. Part of me wants to know the details, but the sane part of me knows that I really don't want to know.
One of my co-workers, a friend of his, came in because she said she didn't know who else to talk to. She assumed I had already heard the news, and I didn't want to go into detail of the whole alcoholism/no-contract business by explaining that I had no contact with him or his family as far as I could help it, so I only picked up bits and pieces, but she did mention that it happened last night.
Last night I was speaking at an Al-Anon meeting, about Detaching with Love, and how it doesn't say who the love needs to be for, and that detaching with love for self is a healthy response. I can't get drawn into the process, his family has a right to their grief and I have a right to mine but that doesn't mean that we should do it together. I think it's more appropriate to keep the space.
It's a shame, though... For all the problems with whiskey, and all the abuse, he had quite a few redeeming qualities. He has been a good friend to a lot of people, and made a lot of positive changes both at work and outside of work.
He would volunteer at elementary schools to interest students in science, engineering, and technology; he was on the board of a prominent university in the city; he was a frequent guest lecturer at another university; he bent over backwards to defend a group at work who did great work and frequently came under fire by fearful management; he'd go out of his way to help a friend with pretty much any problem.
I had always hoped that he'd be able to kick the addiction and become more of the person that he tried to be, rather than the angry, fearful, abusive person he was becoming (just add whiskey!), but it wasn't meant to be.
Addiction is a horrible disease.
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Thanks, m1k3. 
I do have to say that I am so grateful for this forum and my program.
Looking back, the only regrets I feel right now are about dreams and hopes about things I with he would have done differently, not about things I wish I had or hadn't done.
I can let go of my wishes for his actions, because I know that I have no control over that, and that this was, essentially, his decision, and had nothing to do with me.
It doesn't make things easy, but it absolutely makes things easier.
I do have to say that I am so grateful for this forum and my program.
Looking back, the only regrets I feel right now are about dreams and hopes about things I with he would have done differently, not about things I wish I had or hadn't done.
I can let go of my wishes for his actions, because I know that I have no control over that, and that this was, essentially, his decision, and had nothing to do with me.
It doesn't make things easy, but it absolutely makes things easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Oh jeez StarCat. Wow. I am so freakin stunned reading this today. I am very sorry for the loss of a man who had a lot to offer but addiction held him too tightly in its grip. Damn it. I hate this disease.
Hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers to you today.
~T
Hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers to you today.
~T
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
I agree Starcat,that you and his family members grieve separately/no contact basis, as from your first posting you continue your no contact boundary with also his family members in place.
And its nice to hear,that you bear him no animosity and also saw his good traits,
I have had to do this also recently- I sent no card of condolence,but that I grieved in my own way and on my own,didnt mean I didnt feel the loss ,because I did,as at one time I did love that particular person who I had 3 children to.
It is an awful disease
and I send you my best wishes
And its nice to hear,that you bear him no animosity and also saw his good traits,
I have had to do this also recently- I sent no card of condolence,but that I grieved in my own way and on my own,didnt mean I didnt feel the loss ,because I did,as at one time I did love that particular person who I had 3 children to.
It is an awful disease
and I send you my best wishes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Hugs to you. My eyes are watering and I'm thinking about the loss of a person who was good, but just was too consumed with this awful disease. So very, very sad.
A close friend of mine recently lost a young, beautiful girlfriend who was only 27 to a heroin overdose. He found her in the tub. It's so tragic that drugs and alcohol claim people's lives and what is sadder is that the people give themselves to the disease.
A close friend of mine recently lost a young, beautiful girlfriend who was only 27 to a heroin overdose. He found her in the tub. It's so tragic that drugs and alcohol claim people's lives and what is sadder is that the people give themselves to the disease.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
My, condolances. It is very sad when someone dies due to alcoholsim. Remarkably, reading your posts, I didn't see this coming. Ironic, because aren't they all headed in this direction? Aside from the few who recover?
Take care.
M
Take care.
M
Today is a New Day
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I just ran into a friend of his at work, who is a giant advocate of AA. (He actually gathered a lot of people into XABF's office two years ago to stage an intervention.)
XABF died SOBER.
Apparently he became really active in AA at the end. Late is better than never, and I'm so glad that he had a chance to live sober before the end...
I am feeling better now. It's still a loss, but XABF got what he wanted (to go fairly quickly, when his time came), and I feel in some ways he had at least a little bit of what I always wished for him, a chance to live sober. I'm glad.
XABF died SOBER.
Apparently he became really active in AA at the end. Late is better than never, and I'm so glad that he had a chance to live sober before the end...
I am feeling better now. It's still a loss, but XABF got what he wanted (to go fairly quickly, when his time came), and I feel in some ways he had at least a little bit of what I always wished for him, a chance to live sober. I'm glad.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My eyes are watering due to this shocking news, or maybe not so shocking.
He is at peace now.
Sending hugs to you dear StarCat. I am so sorry.
But at the same time I am amazed about how much you have grown in your recovery. You are an inspiration.
More ((hugs))
TC999
He is at peace now.
Sending hugs to you dear StarCat. I am so sorry.
But at the same time I am amazed about how much you have grown in your recovery. You are an inspiration. More ((hugs))
TC999
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