LexieCat

Who's laying a guilt trip on whom, here? It isn't any more fair for you to do it to him than it is for him to do it to you. If you want it over, make it be over. If you wait for him to agree that this is the best thing for all concerned, well, I hope you are planning your golden anniversary, because he isn't about to admit any such thing.

He isn't capable of making a rational decision; you are. He may feel hurt and sad and angry. He has a right to feel what he feels. It doesn't make you responsible for his feelings. You don't have to wait until he feels OK about everything. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness, and he is responsible for his. As long as you stay locked in this dance, neither one of you is making any progress.

Trust me, I understand your feelings. You care about this person. You don't want to harm him. I left my second husband when he went back to drinking after almost dying of liver failure. I felt sad, his family tried to make me feel guilty, and yes, I felt a little like I was abandoning him. But the fact is, I was at the end of my rope, and he was drowning and trying to pull me down with him. My leaving was a matter of self-preservation when I could do nothing to help him. My staying would not have saved him from himself.

In leaving, I regained freedom, and he was free to make his own decisions about his own life without my "help" (which wasn't really help at all--just my own attempts to control the uncontrollable).

MsPINKAcres

Wishing you the best on your search to find out what is healthiest for you and your children ~

From someone who has walked this path and been faced with many many ugly truths and difficulties divorcing an alcoholic/addict that didn't want a divorce - I might suggest you seek some legal advice from an attorney as soon as possible. There is lots of damage that can be done by an angry AH in a few weeks.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Portia123

Wow, I sure can feel your strength in your posts... I suspect he'll keep making his comments to try and sway you to change your mind again. It's the manipulation factor of the disease. Stay strong, it sounds like you are on a good path... Good luck and God bless you!!!

DecadesEnd

You're right, you're so right. I guess it's better to rip the band aid off and get it over with. I'm prepared to do that. But I'm not heartless, I can't just throw him out on the streets. Especially now that he realizes how badly he's screwed up. Mind you, not enough to stop drinking. But at this point, that wouldn't save it either. Any emotions I had toward this person are dead. Not that I don't care, I just can't feel about him the way I used to.
But you're right, you're totally right. It is hard not to get sucked in isn't it?
But I have a plan, and in a few short weeks this will all be a memory.

DecadesEnd

Thank you! I am nothing if not determined. I am going to start living life MY way.

akrasia

I like Lexie's point. I expect you're still fighting with him because there are still shreds of hope that he might have a eureka moment. Those terminal stages of hope are the hardest to deal with.

seekerofsanity

Nearly every post in this thread sounds so much like my own situation. I have tried to "thank" each post that really hit home with me. I have no support from friends or family because no one can really understand what it's like until they have been there for themselves. Most people think it's not a problem or I'M the problem because they don't want to know about someone elses problems. I am so relieved to see that others have the exact same feelings as I do and that it is possibly not just me being selfish for wanting to live a life free of the disease of alcoholism.

akrasia

Ooooh yes. My AH has often said how his brother is the only one who has consistently been "non-judgemental" about his alcoholism. [insert sad violin music here]

Of course his brother hasn't lived under the same roof with AH since the Eisenhower administration, but I'm sure that's beside the point.