LovingYoungMan

Hello everyone,

I want to first and foremost say I am very grateful to be here. Any insight you can provide will be greatly appreciated, so thank you in advance. I have a few paragraphs of info so thank you if you take the time to read it. Words can't describe what it means to have support.

My alcoholic girlfriend with 4 years of recovery just up and broke up with me out of the blue the day before Thanksgiving. I was absolutely devastated. I am 30 years old and she is almost 28, so nothing too radical age wise. She goes to AA meetings at least 5 times a week and sometimes more and is always chairing meetings & has multiple people she sponsors. Our relationship has been nothing short of wonderful and I didn't see it coming. Just a few days prior I was eating dinner with her entire family and her and things were just euphoric. I go to Al-Anon meetings and she had even been supporting me by going with me so we could better understand each other. I love her so much and it really seemed like this was true work on our relationship.

My close friend (who is as close to a sponsor that I have so far) told me that she reached a ceiling with my love for the time being. I love unconditionally and am an incredible boyfriend. I say that as humbly as I can but I really have a lot to offer. I always follow through with what I say I am going to do, I am completely honest, I am loyal, I communicate very well, I care about others and am overall very selfless. I am by no means a pushover or overly needy either. She knows exactly what she has and said she has never been treated so well in her entire life. She said that it was always what she has been looking for. She told me she didn't know people like me existed because in her past, people just took, took, took from her and she never knew what true intimacy was. This to me is very sad.

Now that she has it all though, it is like she just can't handle it. It's like she has a subconscious wall between her and the world that can't be breached. When she started feeling the real intimacy, she felt anxious and shut up shop. It was like she felt danger in getting close to me. She admits that it is self destructive and that she knows once things start getting good, she has to ruin it. She also said that is not at all a conscious decision and opposite to all of her intentions to be close with me. She told me, "You are exactly what I want, you're the perfect boyfriend and marriage material." She literally has no idea why, but she just knows she feels that way, and says if we don't end our relationship for now that she is going to drink.

My response to her was that I told her that I was really proud of her for doing what it too to take care of herself and remain sober, no matter how bad it hurt me. I told her that I believed in her then kissed her and left.

I understand from Al-Anon that I have no control over others' actions but I just do not understand them. We were supposed to move in together in a few weeks (her idea). We had been shopping for things together for our place and she really seemed all in. We were cooking together, going for walks together and were always sharing amazing times. I really hate facebook because of the drama it creates, but she tagged me at this really nice restaurant where were eating 5 days before the breakup as "Love." It really felt good. Her own family commented on that post with nothing but adoration and happiness. I deactivated my profile after the breakup to prevent further pain.

I guess my question is, why would she do all of those things?; Things like send me many text messages telling me how much I meant to her, getting me so involved with her family, tag me as "Love", want me to move in with her and tell me she wants to be with me forever?; ..Then just out of the blue tell me she was having a really difficult time accepting my love?

What I do know is I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. I believe Love is a choice and I Love very deeply. I have a hard comprehending what happened because I know that she felt the same way about me.

I really appreciate everyone's help so thank you again.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am sorry about your heartache at this time. Cyber (((hugs))) to you as you process this latest situation.

I know that any type of loss triggers a grieving process in my life. It doesn't have to be a death and can even begin with the loss of something sentimental. Ending relationships can certainly trigger the grieving process.

Once I was able to identify my feelings of anger, depression, bargaining, denial and then acceptance - I was able to allow them to flow through me.

Please let us know how we can help you during this time.

LovingYoungMan

I appreciate you taking the time Pelican. You can help me (or anyone can) by helping provide some insight to why the alcoholic is doing the things I mentioned above. She understands exactly what she is doing but has no idea why. I don't understand how she could do all of those loving things, say she means everything she says about me and tell me I was marriage material but then just up and self destruct/leave me out of the blue?

PurpleWilder

Right now she seems (from your description) to be very confused, conflicted and scared.

Give it a few days. She may be having a panic reaction from something you are not even aware of, or having an anxiety attack, or feeling overwhelmed by guilt. Maybe just back off for a while and see what happens? I know when you are hurting all you want to do is solve it and make the pain stop but sometimes messing with it makes it worse.

JMHO....

Seren

Hello Young Man, and Welcome to SR!

I am truly sorry for the grief you must be feeling.

I don't know that anyone will be able to answer the why except her. After spending a lot of time on these boards, it seems to me that many people with addiction (although certainly not all) have underlying issues with self-esteem.

I'm sure by now in your experiences with Al-Anon you understand that many addicts in active addiction actually loathe what they have become. I can only just begin to imagine how long that mind-set takes to overcome.

Take the time to read around the forums here, there are many stories similar to yours.

Take good care, HG

Pelican

You have gotten some more good replies from our family members. I was also considering the possibilities of fear and/or self-loathing.

One or both of those scenarios may have to do with alcoholism. Or nothing at all to do with alcoholism.

The relationship progressing to sharing of a residence is a big step. As a woman, it is hard to have an "ugly, fat pants day" while living with a romantic partner. There are some less than glamorous moments in the life of a beautiful woman! You may find them cute and adorable, but her insecurities may not agree. (speaking as a woman who enjoys her ugly day with fat pants).

You have described yourself and your relationship as healthy and loving. So why would she walk away from that? Self-loathing. Not feeling deserving of a perfect partner. Self-esteem issues that cause doubt about the right to be happy in a relationship.

One thing does seem apparent. Her words are not matching her actions right now. She wants x,y and z _ yet _she chooses to walk away from x, y and z.

We have offered some possible suggestions that might give you comfort, and I hope you will find acceptance in your life for this present moment.

The alternative, questioning her actions, will bring emotional and physical unrest.

LovingYoungMan

Wow. I am so very grateful for all of your answers. Those are literally the exact things I needed to hear. Your wisdom is comforting to me and comfort and serenity is something I am really striving for right now.

The topic of conversation in my Al-Anon meeting last night was responsibility. I learned that her choices and actions are not my responsibility. I am only responsible for my own actions and taking care of myself. I am learning to detach with love as well. This is hard for me because I only want to be supportive to her. I respect what she said though and do not want to be co-dependent so I am just leaving her alone and letting that rubber-band stretch. I have only been to 5 Al-Anon meetings but I know that is where I need to be.

Thank you. I give you all my blessings.

Cyranoak

A professional may likely guide you more effectively, but a characteristic many addicts share is something I call forcing the shoe to drop. Here's what it looks like:

1. Something good begins.
2. They love it.
3. They really love it.
4. They begin to worry it will change or end.
5. They begin to worry WHEN it will change or end.
6. They begin to OBSESS over WHEN it will change or end.
7. They end it themselves because they can't stand the stress of obsessing over when it will change or end.

In other words, when things are good they start to worry when the other shoe will drop. To end the worry which becomes unbearable for them they force the other shoe to drop. I'm sure there's a clinical definition for this, but I don't know what it is (self-destructiveness?).

Good luck my friend. Keep going to Alanon. As somebody who describes himself as loving unconditionally I'd like to suggest Alanon as a regular part of your life.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak

P.s. I've never found sharing this theory with an alcoholic does jack-****. For me it made things worse. I'm right though. Being right did jack-**** for me too.

LovingYoungMan

My gosh Cyranoak.. I am so thankful for your post right now. The insight from everyone here has me on cloud 9! That is pretty much exactly what it is too. She has also never been treated like a woman should be either. This all started when I cooked and brought her favorite meal to her when she was sick and hadn't eaten that day. Throw in the fact that it was the day before Thanksgiving and she just quit smoking cigarettes a month ago and you have quite a crazy making cocktail.

I am so grateful for all of you people. You are really helping me with my recovery. I am going to another Al-Anon meeting in a few hours.

Anyone else who would like to share their thoughts on the matter here is totally encouraged. I am truly loving every minute of this. Any Alcoholics care to share their thoughts?

Love to all.

Learn2Live

I can't speak for anyone but myself and most certainly not for your GF/RAXGF. I am a recovering alcoholic, ACOA, and as codependent as they come when I choose to be. Turns out my alcoholism and my codependence were just the tip of the iceberg. They were simply the most pressing issues I had, which forced me into Recovery about 15 yrs ago. I am finally 100% sober about 3 years now, and am just never going back there.

I have great difficulty in "romantic"'relationships, no matter WHO the guy. Hell, he could be Brad Pitt serving me grapes and cooling me with a palm fan by the pool in paradise and I'd still find a way to make it not work, a reason to run the hell away. There IS no reason why. Idk why? It'll take me the rest of my life to figure it out and even then I won't understand it. One of my last XBFs who I still run into occasionally likely thinks I'm nuts for walking away from our relationship. And so did some of my girl friends. And my family. "Why did you do THAT?!" they wanted to know. Well it doesn't really matter WHY I walked away, or whether or not I could explain, what mattered to me was that it just did not feel right, it was making me insane no matter what it looked like to others. And I'm just not going to spend the rest of my life in a relationship that I can't handle, whether anyone understands it or not.

But the BF I have now, does not make me insane like all the others did. And I cannot explain to you WHY, because I simply do not know. All I know about is, I don't have the horrible panic, anxieties or fears with this person that I did with all the others. And I know it is not dysfunction, has nothing to do with being "meant for one another," etc. And it's not "chemistry" or soulmate junk, it just works for me.

Learn2Live

I guess my point was, YoungMan, that my relationship choices (over 25+ years and 10 true, serious relationships) had less to do with THEM and more to do with ME. It's hard not to, given that it was a relationship and all, but try not to take it personally.

LovingYoungMan

Thank you Learn2Live. I really appreciate your post. The topic of conversation in my Al-Anon meeting last night was acceptance and it really hit home. I accept that I have no control over her actions or the situation. I know I don't need her, but I want her.

Maybe you could give me a little insight into this? If not, no worries but it is something I have been struggling with. 3 days before she broke up with me, she grabbed me by the hand at her family's house and said "I really love you" and called me by name. This was right in front of her mother and her mother said how happy that made her.

3 days later, it is just ripped away. I feel as if she got into a car accident or something. That is the sort of pain I feel. I just miss holding her hand and laughing with her. I feel like there is no way those words she said to me could have been false, especially in the setting we were in. I let go as far as not texting, emailing or calling at all but as far as the feelings for her, I am not there yet.

In a way I feel that her saying those loving things and wanting to move in, and ME not being scared, made her scared. I firmly believe love is a choice and not a feeling. In my opinion, that "feeling" you describe, comes from trust and commitment and the will to grow and have fun together.

Hopeworks

Lovingyoungman,

I also am ACOA codependent and have always had trouble in relationships BUT have consistently worked very hard to unravel myself with recovery as well as LOTS of therapy at times in my life.

At the root of your A's panic attack is the poison of fear. She said the love word and started thinking about a lifetime of commitment and the fear of the future and possible failure upended her world. All the details and whys of her inability to move forward are something and a really, really good therapist need to unravel or she will never move beyond this issue.

Some of us are really, really broken where you can't see ... on the outside we may look like superwomen... overachievers and highly successful but inside we are still a mess. Some of us go to work on the inside and the outside with authentic recovery while others are happy with surface stuff... appearances and functioning are enough.

A relationship with one of us is always challenging if you are a "normie" ... we are a risk that may or may not be worth it in the end. Sometimes its Las Vegas and the jackpot down the road or like winning the lottery with about the same odds (stupid odds against you) or more likely it is up and down with the highs and lows of a rollercoaster. When its good its very good but when its bad ... its perplexing, confusing and sometimes torture.

LovingYoungMan

I am very grateful for your post Hopeworks. The wisdom that I am learning here makes me feel like I am 10 years ahead of my time and it is so appreciated. These answers really help me with my personal inner peace. Though I am learning to "Let go and Let God" and "detach with love", the understanding of these things provides me with clarity that keeps me from feeling so confused. When I am confused, I seem to hurt more because I obsess about things that have nothing to do with me.

As she was ending our relationship she said "I don't want you out of my life," and later on that day she texted me saying thank you for my response to the break up (which was that I was proud of her for doing what it took to stay sober). She followed that up with saying she would call me in a few weeks and a smiley face. I'm not sure if she will or will not contact me, but I think she eventually will. If she does, is there any way that I can show that I am being supportive of her? Will it even matter, or just make it worse? Does my dedication and integrity mean anything to the A?

For the time being I am keeping hope alive, while still recovering and working on my own stuff. She has been working so hard on herself for a long time and has remained sober for 4 years that I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt here. If she does go NC for a long time, I will eventually move on completely. For now, I am going to keep working on myself and trust that someone will eventually be able to handle my unconditional love because I have a lot to offer a relationship.

I hope everyone has a good day today.

LovingYoungMan

Also, addressing the word "normie".. I don't particularly care for that word because I am all but normal. I feel sort of talked down to when someone says that to me, though I know they mean it with no maliciousness.

Sometimes as a "normie," I feel like I have a disease. I have the disease of loving unconditionally because I was never given that as a child. I don't want to give up on people because I was given up on. I'm convinced there is a better way and I came to that conclusion on my own. I am going to just keep going to Al-Anon and reading and keeping my side of the street clean and trust that things will eventually work themselves out.

I encourage anyone else to share who might want to. I'd love to hear anything you have to say. I really admire the mutual respect and love I feel here. The dedication to recovery & remaining healthy is truly an honor to be a part of.

StarCat

From what I've seen, "normie" typically means people that haven't had a relationship like what we've been through, and don't understand the sorts of things that come with the unhealthy "relationship" dynamic of dealing with an alcoholic.

Meanwhile, "codie" is the term we use for people who have been partners of alcoholics. It's short for "codependent," which has many debated definitions, but the two best I've seen have been:
A codependent puts everyone else's needs above their own.
AND
A codependent relationship is an unhealthy mixture of conditional love coupled with unconditional commitment. (Please note, the conditional love part is what we have experienced in past relationships, and so we tend to either provide that ourselves, or unconsciously seek that from others in our relationships.)

Learn2Live

YoungMan, I'm pretty certain I cannot give you the type of insight you are looking for. What I can give you, though, is my perspective, from where I am right now in my life. I remember having the rug pulled out from under me, similar to what has recently happened to you. And what I have learned since then is that with alcoholics and addicts, it seems they are always contradicting themselves and behave in very strange, suspicious ways, that drive me nuts. My brain never gets a rest when I am involved with an alcoholic or addict.

It's very difficult to have a relationship with someone who is alcoholic and/or addicted, because they have great difficulty maintaining normalcy in their lives. It seems to me that what you are doing, in your pain, is trying to find that normalcy, in order to explain the dysfunction. It is not normal for a person to be involved in a committed relationship with another, tell them they love them, and then disappear. It's just not. No matter how hard we dig for it, there is no excuse. It is morally wrong and unfair for her to have done what she has done. To me, it is like you have been spun around by the Tasmanian Devil on Bugs Bunny and you have been left spinning while the Tasmanian Devil has long since left. Do you know the cartoon I'm talking about?

IMO, even though the way she handled it was wrong, that girl has done you a tremendous favor. She has made a clean break. All you have to do is Let Go.

MsGrace

YoungMan....I went through the very same thing when my husband relapsed and bailed. It was so very hard to understand. There is a part of me that obsessively tried to make sense out of it....and there is no sense to it. I believe now that many addicts just can't take the pressure of normal life, job, relationship. It seems too much for them somehow, but is important for us to understand that doesn't have anything to do with US. We did not cause it, we cannot cure it, we cannot control it. I found for me the more I tried to understand the irrational...the more I suffer.

SO: I get myself to Al Anon. I read these forums voraciously....I've gotten golden insights here. Reach out...keep working on myself and stop grasping. From a Buddhist standpoint...it is the grasping itself that creates suffering.

You are in wise company here. Also...there is another post in this forum "Letter From Alcoholic" that I found very helpful to me...perhaps it might for you too!

Big hug

Learn2Live

Nice post MsGrace

YoungMan, another thing I just though of: I remember putting everything into hope too. Holding onto hope. But when I got busy working on ME, I forgot all about "hope" and HIM. Best thing I ever did.

Cyranoak

Dude...

Don't worry about it. You aren't a Normie in any way, shape, or form.

Cyranoak