I read a lot of posts lately-about
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
I read a lot of posts lately-about
I am a bit puzzled ! reading a few posts that resonated with me concerning AA members or Detox centres advising that new members of RA,leave spouses or advise separation while they are getting treatment for their A's.
Is this a myth or a fact ,by the A or truely what detox advise?
Just that I had this told by my XAh constanly that he should leave me it became a daily occurance after each meeting he'd bring it up, so in the end I did him a favour and locked him out of my home,(there were other things that just being one of them)and he went straight back to the life he'd known for 44 years.(really got fed up of hearing it)He in the past just used to cause arguments to get out drinking ,because I never went out drinking with him and he was never allowed to ever drink in my home,I had strong bounderies on that score from the very beginning of a relationship with him(If you could call it that)also it was my home and and I kept funds accounts etc,separate.
And I have no regrets on that front,
I for myself ,have never interfered with anyone elses relationship-marriage or otherwise.I believe its theirs to work out best for themselves.So I'm just a bit shocked that I'm reading it many times on forum from people suffering with loss of husband wife or partner.
Help needed to clarify !
Thanks for letting me share on this topic
Best wishes
Is this a myth or a fact ,by the A or truely what detox advise?
Just that I had this told by my XAh constanly that he should leave me it became a daily occurance after each meeting he'd bring it up, so in the end I did him a favour and locked him out of my home,(there were other things that just being one of them)and he went straight back to the life he'd known for 44 years.(really got fed up of hearing it)He in the past just used to cause arguments to get out drinking ,because I never went out drinking with him and he was never allowed to ever drink in my home,I had strong bounderies on that score from the very beginning of a relationship with him(If you could call it that)also it was my home and and I kept funds accounts etc,separate.
And I have no regrets on that front,
I for myself ,have never interfered with anyone elses relationship-marriage or otherwise.I believe its theirs to work out best for themselves.So I'm just a bit shocked that I'm reading it many times on forum from people suffering with loss of husband wife or partner.
Help needed to clarify !
Thanks for letting me share on this topic
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
It is a myth.
The standard suggestions given to everybody when they first start recovery, whether from alcohol, drugs, gambling or whatever, is to reduce stress as much as possible. And then reduce it some more.
In practical terms that comes out as "Don't make any changes". If you are _in_ a relationship, don't get out. If you are _not_ in a relationship, don't start one. Don't relocate, don't quit your job, etc.
The reason is that the initial stages of recovery are hugely stressful, so creating additional stress will just make recovery even harder.
However. There are a lot of people, in all the different programs, who think they are qualified to give advice.... and so they give out foolish directions.
All the 12 step programs, as well as Sober Recovery, have the same rule: Don't give advice, share only your personal experience. In practical terms that comes out as "Use only the first pronoun". i.e.:
"When I experienced the same problem you are experiencing I did ...."
Only a licensed health care professional is qualified to give advice, and then only in their field of practice. When you see or hear anybody else giving advice.... well.... it's just somebody who doesn't know better.
Mike
Moderator, SR
The standard suggestions given to everybody when they first start recovery, whether from alcohol, drugs, gambling or whatever, is to reduce stress as much as possible. And then reduce it some more.
In practical terms that comes out as "Don't make any changes". If you are _in_ a relationship, don't get out. If you are _not_ in a relationship, don't start one. Don't relocate, don't quit your job, etc.
The reason is that the initial stages of recovery are hugely stressful, so creating additional stress will just make recovery even harder.
However. There are a lot of people, in all the different programs, who think they are qualified to give advice.... and so they give out foolish directions.
All the 12 step programs, as well as Sober Recovery, have the same rule: Don't give advice, share only your personal experience. In practical terms that comes out as "Use only the first pronoun". i.e.:
"When I experienced the same problem you are experiencing I did ...."
Only a licensed health care professional is qualified to give advice, and then only in their field of practice. When you see or hear anybody else giving advice.... well.... it's just somebody who doesn't know better.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I don't think that it's something that detox/AA says they should do...but I can say that a high number of those in recovery do just that.
They don't know how to handle the feelings they have without their drug/drink so they run. They push away their spouses and often get involved with others 'who understand' ie: in the program. Yea like two addicts are better than one?!
My RAH goes through a phase yearly...says he doesn't know if he loves me...isn't happy...wants to leave... blah blah blah.
This year however, I am prepared....the minute he says it...I'm going to go grab this clothes and throw them on the front lawn...he wants to go...go. I'm not going to ask him to stay...he drives me crazy anyway!
They don't know how to handle the feelings they have without their drug/drink so they run. They push away their spouses and often get involved with others 'who understand' ie: in the program. Yea like two addicts are better than one?!
My RAH goes through a phase yearly...says he doesn't know if he loves me...isn't happy...wants to leave... blah blah blah.
This year however, I am prepared....the minute he says it...I'm going to go grab this clothes and throw them on the front lawn...he wants to go...go. I'm not going to ask him to stay...he drives me crazy anyway!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Thank you so much for your replys,- Myth
I often felt like asking the particular people who had told him this,(advise) one specifically was a woman(named her)though knew when to keep my own side of the sreet,and also I could be causing trouble by going and confronting her,then if she denied it, I would have felt very foolish.
As going to Al-anon no-one pushes you to make quick decisions about staying with A,or leaving them, and to do whatever needs to be done slowly,and to think very carefully about rash decisions.And not change circumstances too quickly,I know a lot A's think we go to Al-anon to help get/ information how to get A out of our lives,which is so far from the truth,and that I would never interfere with any ones relationship - that is for them to decide what action they need to take.
I have have been so close to asking an long time sober recovery member of AA this question, but got cold feet !, and he is the one person that is still with his wife after all these years.(they are to be admired)
Thank for letting me share SR members.
I often felt like asking the particular people who had told him this,(advise) one specifically was a woman(named her)though knew when to keep my own side of the sreet,and also I could be causing trouble by going and confronting her,then if she denied it, I would have felt very foolish.
As going to Al-anon no-one pushes you to make quick decisions about staying with A,or leaving them, and to do whatever needs to be done slowly,and to think very carefully about rash decisions.And not change circumstances too quickly,I know a lot A's think we go to Al-anon to help get/ information how to get A out of our lives,which is so far from the truth,and that I would never interfere with any ones relationship - that is for them to decide what action they need to take.
I have have been so close to asking an long time sober recovery member of AA this question, but got cold feet !, and he is the one person that is still with his wife after all these years.(they are to be admired)
Thank for letting me share SR members.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
No, it's not actually a myth, it's very, very common. I know 6 spouses who's partners were encouraged to leave their marriages by people they met in AA. It doesn't matter that that's not the "official" recommendation in AA literature. What you have to remember is that self-help groups of this type are full of individuals with their own ideas and many of those individuals are happy to share their own "wisdom" with anyone who will listen.
Sometimes that individual will be good at giving advice to the newcomer and other times that individual will be bitter and poisonous and their advice will come from that unhealthy place, sometimes the advice giver will be foolish and think what worked for them is what everyone should do, so if their marriage ending was a positive step for them, they may then advise anyone who will listen to end theirs. It's even quite common that the advice giver is attracted to the newcomer and advises them to leave their marriage so they can have a shot with them themself, so common that it's known as 13th stepping.
Then the newcomers who are often vulnerable and afraid, who have been told not to think but to listen, to accept their powerlessness get confused and listen to the person who is advising them. It's also very tempting when you realise that your life has been screwed up to believe that it's actually your partner's fault somehow and if you leave them your life will be better, it's an easy solution to jump at.
Sometimes that individual will be good at giving advice to the newcomer and other times that individual will be bitter and poisonous and their advice will come from that unhealthy place, sometimes the advice giver will be foolish and think what worked for them is what everyone should do, so if their marriage ending was a positive step for them, they may then advise anyone who will listen to end theirs. It's even quite common that the advice giver is attracted to the newcomer and advises them to leave their marriage so they can have a shot with them themself, so common that it's known as 13th stepping.
Then the newcomers who are often vulnerable and afraid, who have been told not to think but to listen, to accept their powerlessness get confused and listen to the person who is advising them. It's also very tempting when you realise that your life has been screwed up to believe that it's actually your partner's fault somehow and if you leave them your life will be better, it's an easy solution to jump at.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
My problems with my spouse had nothing to do with detox. She instead used alcohol to cope w the problems in our relationship. She chose this versus working on us because she I not healthy mentallyand isn't capable of actually having a long term relationship. Everything I heard from detox and AA was not to make any changes. She is also very manipulative as many A are.
When she is not around I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but when she is around it becomes more difficult..
When she is not around I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but when she is around it becomes more difficult..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Kitty P,
I had thought of the 13 stepping it too- and had watched it happening with him. But stood back and just watched ! I'm quiet, but observant.
Little story- A woman at a meeting telling this man to leave his wife an A,and that he would have a better life without her- (if I'd have had a sock to hand, I would have pushed in her mouth)she was infact living with her very abusive A at the time-I've had amazing learning journey to date.
Funny too, I dont regret a single min of it all- some sad, but some funny things along the way,all to teach me something. Speaking as an old croney bird.
Jose2
I had thought of the 13 stepping it too- and had watched it happening with him. But stood back and just watched ! I'm quiet, but observant.
Little story- A woman at a meeting telling this man to leave his wife an A,and that he would have a better life without her- (if I'd have had a sock to hand, I would have pushed in her mouth)she was infact living with her very abusive A at the time-I've had amazing learning journey to date.
Funny too, I dont regret a single min of it all- some sad, but some funny things along the way,all to teach me something. Speaking as an old croney bird.
Jose2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I am bumping this back to the top only because...it's January..so I'm just sitting back and waiting for him to say it....
I swear to you all that I am literally going to throw his crap on the lawn...it's coming...I can feel it in the air....
I'll post when it happens!
I swear to you all that I am literally going to throw his crap on the lawn...it's coming...I can feel it in the air....
I'll post when it happens!
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