Our wonderful date night...yhea right!
 

So tonight was supposed to be our time alone...without the kids..a night just to ourselves and what am I doing? Sitting home alone crying getting mean and nasty phone calls from him, while he is at the bar!

I dropped the kids off at my mom's for the night and when I came home he was already drunk (4:00pm). I decided to ignore it and try to have a nice evening, but a nice evening to me and a nice evening to him are two totally different things. He wanted to go to the bar and I didn't...so guess who got the silent treatment?? Yep, me...when he did manage to speak to me he said F*ck You..you're boring, lame, old, etc., etc...so I made him get out of the car and he ended up at the bar. He keeps calling telling me to get up there and have a cold beer with him....now I have to worry that something will happen to him if I don't go pick him up.....why me?

HUGS, And I am still learning, but do you have a friend or someone you can go to a movie with? You can only ask why me? If you keep going to get him. What if something does happen to him? What will happen if you don't go pick him up? You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, Why are you trying to control it? I know easier said then done, but it really is true. The sooner you realize this the better you feel. I hope you chose YOU. Good luck.

Well, I am sitting here all by myself worried sick. He said he going to walk home and it a long walk on a busy, fast road. He is stumbling drunk and doesn't know what he is doing. I seem to never be able to stop worrying about him.....I try to sleep and I can't, try to watch a movie and can't concentrate, I am pathetic.....

This is not the first "Date Night" that he has screwed up...right? So...why do you continue to expect something that he is unable to give you?

"if I don't go pick him up.....why me?

Simply put, because you allow him to control your life, your and your childrens well-being.

What are your bounderies?

If you continue to accept less than you are entitled to...nothing will change.

He can find his way to the bar, he can find his way home, if he gets arrested, that is his problem to resolve.

Your children need to be your priorty, they already have inherited the gene that predisposes them to addiction, what more of a price do you want them to pay for your husbands and your bad choices? You are condoning your husbands toxic behavior. Your children hear and see everything, although they do not verbalize their upset, they know.

This has been going on for a long time...are you ready to seek recovery for your codependency...to help you and your children? Only you know the answer to that question, hopefully you will finally make the right decision, if not for you...for your children.

your not pathetic. But you and the kids deserve better.

No, this is not the first "date" night he has screwed up. Actually, he screws every single one of them up. I know I need to do something about it...I just don't feel strong enough. I live for my kid's though and they have a great life despite their father. I don't want to be a part-time parent...I don't want that
for me and I don't want that for them....I'm a mess...

OwlSong...thank you for the kind words...I really needed them tonight..xoxo

(((((caligirl71)))))

Maybe what will give you some impetus to move forward for you and your children is to go over to our "Adult Children of A's" forum:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And read the threads. These are adults that were raised in the situation your children are in. See how it affects them, even though you don't think so.

Maybe it is time for you to check out Naranon, or Alanon if there are only a few Naranon meetings in your area, possibly look into some counseling for yourself. Start 'socking' away a few dollars here and there. Get a 'plan of action" going for YOU and the kids.

He has certainly shown you that he is not about to seek recovery at this time. I know the 'reality' does suck, but now you have to be the 'proactive mom' and protect your kids.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Your children are the true victims, they really do not have a good life, they have the life they must accept as "Good", you are their voice, their future, and you are playing "Lets Pretend".

I do not know a whole big bunch in life, however, I do know what it is like to live in the home of an alcoholic, I also know that if you keep your addict as your priorty, your children will suffer, as they will carry their childhood into adulthood.

Hopefully, someday you will reach your bottom and get help for your codependency and do the right thing for your children.

I do wish you the best, life is what you make of it, you will either drive the car or ride in the back seat, so far, he is the driver.

I was asking myself "why me?" alot lately. I'm feeling surrounded by the insanity of drugs, alcohol and selfish/self-centered people. But deep inside, I know the answer is this...

"Because I allow it."

Getting to the bottom of why will solve the problem.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation again...but don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like you have some hard decisions to make.
You and your kids deserve better..

Take Care of you
M.

I was feeling a lot like you, minus the children. So many disappointments. So many outings missed or messed up. So many times he promised something and didn't come thru because he "got tied up" (drinking), got "roped into it," or just plain ole forgot. I said 'why me' a lot and wondered what I did to make him want to stay away. Why wasn't I worth coming home to or worth being around. On the other hand, how many times did he get angry if I went out with friends or visited family, which got fewer and farther between because of the upset it caused. 1 dinner with my family to every 10 times he stayed out drinking while dinner got cold on the table and I worried myself too sick to eat. How many times did I come home back when I worked two jobs to find him drunk and passed out on the couch with something boiling over on the stove only to have him yell that I was out at all hours while he tried to make me a nice meal. Hard to see any nice gesture in the way I found him and the worry each night driving home took away any glee I once had at seeing him.

I said all that to say, I can relate to where you are at emotionally. I was there even after I started recovery on my own and tried to detach from his continued broken promises. Just setting a boundary over not cooking for him if he didn't come home in time was some hard hairy work. I think he made it home one time sober. Other times, he would wander in hours late stumbling drunk, agitated there was nothing prepared, and I wasn't there waiting. Those nights were as tough as dealing with him before. I would find myself still watching for his truck in the drive debating whether I'd throw together something just to avoid the worry over how he'd react.

I also know the internal debate over staying in the relationship. It helped me to leave that decision for later and concentrate on the day to day issues. Learning how to respond to his behavior, if at all, and how to detach emotionally and drop the worry and the hurt when an addict does what an addict is predictably going to do. Easier said than done, but a lot easier for me to go up against first than how to support myself on my own somewhere new and rebuild my life. Baby steps work best for me.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, they say, but that doesn't mean you have to change everything in your life to see a positive change in how you feel. Start small and build on victories and learn from the stumbles.

Keep reading, keep learning, try starting with the first step of acceptance and see how you feel. Recovery is a journey of life, not a quick trip round the block so no rush to be somewhere you're not ready for yet.

My best wishes to you,
Alice