Need help fast
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Need help fast
I got a call at 1am from my 14 yr old son and the first words out of his mouth were, Mom this is bad....my exAH who had our son for the night, got pulled over by the police and taken in for DUI, and our son's best friend was in the truck with exAH, as exAH was taking best friend home from spending time at their house. My son was angry at first, but when his dad called him at 2:30am Son did not get angry with father at all.......interesting. ExAH was arrested for cultivating pot and having paraphenalia in July. How do I respond to my son? I reminded him his father has a disease and needs help but won't get help until he is ready to do so. I also told my son that getting angry at his dad may not change him. I can't sleep. I am worried about my son and the humiliation he has to endure, the pain of facing his dad and his dad's choices. Thank God no one was hurt...... I picked up him and another friend that was spending the night at his dad's and brought them here. What do I say to my exAH? I know I must detach let go and let God, but how I want to lay in to him. What if the parents of the friend press charges for child endangerment? I texted his mom to let her know that Zach was with me and why in case exAH called her from jail. One of her comments was that we all make bad decisions, what a lame excuse! Please include us in your prayers and if anyone has any suggestions how I handle this, please let me know. I have my son now until Dec. 23rd because exAH is going out of town on work Monday until then. God Bless you all!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I just want to send hugs to your entire family right now.
I have not been in this situation before so don't have a lot of words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know you were heard and what you did appears resonable to me.
Just my two cents, but I often don't have a reaction until later (shock or something). I can see myself reacting in a similar way to your son. For me it usually takes a bit though to work through how I am feeling.
Again hugs and kind thoughts heading your way.
I have not been in this situation before so don't have a lot of words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know you were heard and what you did appears resonable to me.
Just my two cents, but I often don't have a reaction until later (shock or something). I can see myself reacting in a similar way to your son. For me it usually takes a bit though to work through how I am feeling.
Again hugs and kind thoughts heading your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
In the past, I had a situation, with my xah and my child....
I closed my eyes, thinking it would go away, it would never happen again
If I knew then, what I know now...
I would of taken all rights away from him being a parent
I would of filed charges against him
I would of taught my child, it was 210% wrong of him to do that
I would of told my child, that he is sick and is not capable of raising a dog
I would of done more than just stand there, thinking he was sorry and he only
did it because he was drinking.
I would of taken care & protected my child, like God expects me to do
I would of protected the innoscents of my childs life
I would of taught my child, that I love them that much, to protect them
I would of changed the locks on the door & set my boundary's in concrete
You drink, You dont see my child.....No exceptions and no breaking the rules
I am mom, and this is the way it is........End of story!! MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!
I am so Thankful and so should You...That we are not picking out casket's for our children tonight due to a irresponsible alcoholic drinking & driving with our kids inside of a vehicle or on a motorcycle (like mine).......
Suit Up and Take Charge.....Of you and your child.....
Wish I would of only knew then what I know now...
I hope you do the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I closed my eyes, thinking it would go away, it would never happen again
If I knew then, what I know now...
I would of taken all rights away from him being a parent
I would of filed charges against him
I would of taught my child, it was 210% wrong of him to do that
I would of told my child, that he is sick and is not capable of raising a dog
I would of done more than just stand there, thinking he was sorry and he only
did it because he was drinking.
I would of taken care & protected my child, like God expects me to do
I would of protected the innoscents of my childs life
I would of taught my child, that I love them that much, to protect them
I would of changed the locks on the door & set my boundary's in concrete
You drink, You dont see my child.....No exceptions and no breaking the rules
I am mom, and this is the way it is........End of story!! MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!
I am so Thankful and so should You...That we are not picking out casket's for our children tonight due to a irresponsible alcoholic drinking & driving with our kids inside of a vehicle or on a motorcycle (like mine).......
Suit Up and Take Charge.....Of you and your child.....
Wish I would of only knew then what I know now...
I hope you do the right thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Sorry you're going through this.
I'm not surprised your son is not angry, I supose by now he knows what he can expect from his dad. And aslo in my experience when kids face things that are overwhelming they don't know how to deal with it so they tend to get a bit numb and pretend nothing is happening. IMHO that is more damaging to them than when they act out. If I were you I'd get my son some counseling, it would be good for him to have someone he could speak to about it. I know you speak to him but that is not the same thing as he can not tell you how he really feels, as it is most likely, seeing you go through all the problems with you exAH your son feel protective of you.
As for the mother of the boy, it sounds to me that she said that only trying to make you feel better about the whole thing. At least that is what I'm reading from it.
On the more practical side I don't know what exactly you can do, is there any chance you can use this DUI for court order that would mean your son is not to spend time with his dad alone any more or something along those lines?
I have you in my prayers.
HUGS
I'm not surprised your son is not angry, I supose by now he knows what he can expect from his dad. And aslo in my experience when kids face things that are overwhelming they don't know how to deal with it so they tend to get a bit numb and pretend nothing is happening. IMHO that is more damaging to them than when they act out. If I were you I'd get my son some counseling, it would be good for him to have someone he could speak to about it. I know you speak to him but that is not the same thing as he can not tell you how he really feels, as it is most likely, seeing you go through all the problems with you exAH your son feel protective of you.
As for the mother of the boy, it sounds to me that she said that only trying to make you feel better about the whole thing. At least that is what I'm reading from it.
On the more practical side I don't know what exactly you can do, is there any chance you can use this DUI for court order that would mean your son is not to spend time with his dad alone any more or something along those lines?
I have you in my prayers.
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Keeping your child safe physically, mentally and emotionally has to be your first priority and if there is a history of drinking and driving then there is great cause for concern and action. Usually an arrest for DUI results in immediate loss of driving priveleges and if he adheres to the law you don't have to fear he will drive with your child in the immediate future. A blow machine is likely in his future and that will give you some peace of mind.
Your son working through the complicated emotions of an alcoholic father while coping with the normal stress of growing up is hard... I put my kids in counseling and they benefitted greatly from it. I also studied the subject and tried to be as helpful as possible with not making it harder on them by encouraging them to be understanding and forgiving of the illness while setting their own boundaries.
Hoping for the best ... maybe this will be a key to the future and some postive changes will result.
Your son working through the complicated emotions of an alcoholic father while coping with the normal stress of growing up is hard... I put my kids in counseling and they benefitted greatly from it. I also studied the subject and tried to be as helpful as possible with not making it harder on them by encouraging them to be understanding and forgiving of the illness while setting their own boundaries.
Hoping for the best ... maybe this will be a key to the future and some postive changes will result.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
You are an angel....your words are just what I needed. It is so hard because my son is 14 and adores his father and wants to be with him, but maybe this will be the beginning of my son coming out of denial.....I do need to take charge. My exAH is supposed to be leaving Monday to go to his job site out of town until Dec. 23rd. I am going to tell him that if he wants to talk to our son he needs to do it with me there, not on the phone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I raised two wonderful children who had an addictive dad and at times I did not feel they were safe with them and took appropriate action such as supervised visitation. As he paid no child support and was rarely around anyway this was not a problem and I was extremely fair and never, ever spoke badly about their dad. When they began to realize on their own that he was an addict they became anxious and I started counseling for them. They are about as stable and mature and both very anti-substance abuse as adults.
That being said ... I would carefully consider how to use this situation for both parents to model appropriate behavior in the future. Do you have a good enough coparenting relationship with dad to discuss how to approach this with your son?
If not... then I would suggest a mediator, pastor or family counselor to work with both of you.
In a perfect world your X is mortified at his behavior and the risk he took with another's child and wants to get alcohol free... his immediately voluntarily diving into recovery with a program that alcohol/drug tests would be GREAT for court later.
Ideally, you both sit down together and come up with a co-parenting plan of action that includes his agreement that all interaction with your son will be 100% alcohol free. He needs to express his deep regrets and that it will never happen again and make some commitments to both of you.
Once you are in agreement with him both of you sit down with your son and explain to him what the future will be like and what the boundaries will be. This way if his dad does not keep his part and continues to drink you will be justified in taking appropriate action.
Balancing between protecting our children and not damaging the parental bond is a tough one ... you sound like you are doing a good Job! I really encourage you to find some alanon meeting and maybe your own counselor ... you will be amazed at how freeing and helpful this can be for YOU!
That being said ... I would carefully consider how to use this situation for both parents to model appropriate behavior in the future. Do you have a good enough coparenting relationship with dad to discuss how to approach this with your son?
If not... then I would suggest a mediator, pastor or family counselor to work with both of you.
In a perfect world your X is mortified at his behavior and the risk he took with another's child and wants to get alcohol free... his immediately voluntarily diving into recovery with a program that alcohol/drug tests would be GREAT for court later.
Ideally, you both sit down together and come up with a co-parenting plan of action that includes his agreement that all interaction with your son will be 100% alcohol free. He needs to express his deep regrets and that it will never happen again and make some commitments to both of you.
Once you are in agreement with him both of you sit down with your son and explain to him what the future will be like and what the boundaries will be. This way if his dad does not keep his part and continues to drink you will be justified in taking appropriate action.
Balancing between protecting our children and not damaging the parental bond is a tough one ... you sound like you are doing a good Job! I really encourage you to find some alanon meeting and maybe your own counselor ... you will be amazed at how freeing and helpful this can be for YOU!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you're reaching out to friends and a good counsellor.
It doesn't matter how your son feels about this, he can't live/stay where he's not safe. This is exactly the kind of incident that would cause a judge to grant sole custody to you, and if I were in your shoes I'd see a lawyer on Monday to make that happen. He can still see Dad for supervised visits. You can just tell your son, "There are a lot of good things about your Dad but right now it's not safe for you to stay with him there."
This isn't a case for mediation/negotiation/co-parenting talk. He nearly killed your child. Where's the middle ground there? No need to exchange a word with exAH.
I sort of hope the mother of the other child sues exAH for child endangerment--I sure would.
And block ex-MIL's phone, she sounds like a loon.
Good luck to you.
It doesn't matter how your son feels about this, he can't live/stay where he's not safe. This is exactly the kind of incident that would cause a judge to grant sole custody to you, and if I were in your shoes I'd see a lawyer on Monday to make that happen. He can still see Dad for supervised visits. You can just tell your son, "There are a lot of good things about your Dad but right now it's not safe for you to stay with him there."
This isn't a case for mediation/negotiation/co-parenting talk. He nearly killed your child. Where's the middle ground there? No need to exchange a word with exAH.
I sort of hope the mother of the other child sues exAH for child endangerment--I sure would.
And block ex-MIL's phone, she sounds like a loon.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 6,516
I am 100% in agreement with akrasia.
I'm living the nightmare where I have to always make sure my children have their cellphones, and where I have to tell a child whose age is still in the single digits to never, never, ever get into the car with her father when he's been drinking.
My girlfriend's son was killed by a drunk driver when he was 17. I have zero tolerance for drunk driving. I would do whatever it takes to make sure my child does not ride with a person who has so little concern for other people's lives that he gets behind the wheel after drinking.
My divorce agreement, that my AXH signed, says he will abstain from alcohol while the children are in his care. He drinks every day, whether they are there or not. Compassion for the alcoholic has nothing to do with the fact that your first job is keeping your child safe. Agreements with an alcoholic aren't worth the paper they're written on. They last until s/he gets the urge to have a drink.
I know you're worried about alienating your son. But you have a son who's alive. Make sure he stays alive, so that you can work on the emotional part. If he gets killed riding with your ex when he's drunk, you will never forgive yourself for not having done everything in your might to protect him.
I'm living the nightmare where I have to always make sure my children have their cellphones, and where I have to tell a child whose age is still in the single digits to never, never, ever get into the car with her father when he's been drinking.
My girlfriend's son was killed by a drunk driver when he was 17. I have zero tolerance for drunk driving. I would do whatever it takes to make sure my child does not ride with a person who has so little concern for other people's lives that he gets behind the wheel after drinking.
My divorce agreement, that my AXH signed, says he will abstain from alcohol while the children are in his care. He drinks every day, whether they are there or not. Compassion for the alcoholic has nothing to do with the fact that your first job is keeping your child safe. Agreements with an alcoholic aren't worth the paper they're written on. They last until s/he gets the urge to have a drink.
I know you're worried about alienating your son. But you have a son who's alive. Make sure he stays alive, so that you can work on the emotional part. If he gets killed riding with your ex when he's drunk, you will never forgive yourself for not having done everything in your might to protect him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
I am seeing a counselor who gave me suggestions for my son. I am emailing my lawyer today to get something happen on Monday. In our state of OHio, a teenager can have some say in where they want to live, but I hope this solidifies that xah is not to be trusted with our son. My lawyer said to me that the charges for cultivating marijuana and having paraphenalia that xah was charged with in July would not necessarily mean I would get full custody. We'll see. Go Blue! Yes I am a Michigan fan living in Ohio....
love you all so much and I haven't even met you in person, God works in wonderful ways doesn't he.
love you all so much and I haven't even met you in person, God works in wonderful ways doesn't he.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Since he is an addict, do you really feel I can trust him to not do this again? I think not! If I sit down with him he will minimize the situation. When I text exAH if he got a DUI his response was " That's the charge". He will probably try to get it minimized to reckless driving. I just don't see him turning things around, but I will try, in the meantime I have contacted my lawyer about this as we are just starting divorce proceedings.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Big, fat, wiggly post-turkey HUGS!!!!
I wanted to come back and apologize if my tone was harsh. I have a hard time not seeing everything through my own glasses here. Every child who lives with an alcoholic parent sends a hot poker through my heart. Because I see in my own how they try to love a parent who isn't capable of loving them back, even in the most basic ways -- respecting them, making sure they're safe, that they get enough food, and enough sleep.
And being the parent who is prevented by the law from protecting our children from the person we used to share a life, and a bed, with, is a special kind of hell. There are days when I feel like I betrayed them by leaving, since I can't protect them while they're with their drinking father.
I hope and pray that your lawyer can push this in the direction where you get full custody. And if/when your ex gets sober, your son will be able to build a healthy relationship with his father. And until then, he will be with a healthier, safer parent.
I wanted to come back and apologize if my tone was harsh. I have a hard time not seeing everything through my own glasses here. Every child who lives with an alcoholic parent sends a hot poker through my heart. Because I see in my own how they try to love a parent who isn't capable of loving them back, even in the most basic ways -- respecting them, making sure they're safe, that they get enough food, and enough sleep.
And being the parent who is prevented by the law from protecting our children from the person we used to share a life, and a bed, with, is a special kind of hell. There are days when I feel like I betrayed them by leaving, since I can't protect them while they're with their drinking father.
I hope and pray that your lawyer can push this in the direction where you get full custody. And if/when your ex gets sober, your son will be able to build a healthy relationship with his father. And until then, he will be with a healthier, safer parent.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Need help with teenager who is mad at me
Since the incident with the DUI last week, my son has seen his father on one occasion during the week when he went out to eat with his grandmother and his father was with her as he father cannot drive. His father asked to have him this weekend and when I asked my lawyer about this he suggested I let him see his son during the day for a set period of time. So AH and I decided on Sunday, today from 12-5, I would drive son over to father's house and pick him up. When I told son about the visitation, he got angry because he wants to spend the night too and have dad take him to school. I am not sure if dad has privileges to drive to work yet or not. Son loves his dad and thinks he is cool. Son asked a few minutes ago why I am being so mean. I explained to him that I am not the one who drove drunk with son's best friend in the truck and that this is what he and his father and I decided for the visitation. I told him it is not my intention to keep him from his father, but to protect him and keep him safe. I also went on to list the charges his father have against him: weaving, no seatbelt, failure to yield when turning left, DUI of .08-1.7, Driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs or a combination of both. Son yelled and said he knew all of this and didn't want to talk to me anymore. I told him he didn't have to talk but I wanted him to listen. I didn't talk much more, but in the end said I respected him too much to argue with him. He got weepy throughout this. Why doesn't he get mad at his father? Am I really being too stern? I know intellectually that he feels safer getting emotional with me and getting mad at me that I will not leave him, but emotionally it hurts really bad. Please help, I won't see my counselor until the 22nd, but plan to try to get in this week. Went to Al-Anon meeting yesterday. Thanks
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He got weepy throughout this. Why doesn't he get mad at his father? Am I really being too stern? I know intellectually that he feels safer getting emotional with me and getting mad at me that I will not leave him, but emotionally it hurts really bad.
Now yes there is another 'balliwick' in this picture ........................... his father is a practicing alcoholic and right now in your son's eyes, his dad is 'cool.'
It might be time to reconsider some therapy for your son, whether he says he wants it or not, and let a qualified psychologist earn his trust, and/or revisit the idea of Alateen for him, where he will find 'peers' going through the same kinds of things and will get some support there from others in his 'age bracket.'
You, however, are not too stern. You are a watchful, steadfast, loving parent and I M H O you are doing a REALLY GOOD job under the circumstances!
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Sooooooooofrustrated!
Since I dropped off my son at exAH's I just received a text from AH that " He and Z were talking and can he spend the night so they can watch the football game together at 8 and then son would get to school in the morning with the friend who always takes him to school. Uggghhhhh!
Don't know what to do!
Don't know what to do!
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