OhBoy

Recently I took a long hard look at my codependency with my AW. I am making my best effort to stop my codependent ways. I think she's starting to get the idea that I'm not going to help her drink anymore. I can't stop her but I won't help her drink. On our day off I was out of the house early & came home about 1:30 in the afternoon to find her drunk. I don't get angry over this anymore. We had a talk & she admitted that she doesn't know why she does it & has no control over her drinking. I was kind of surprised, but pleasantly surprised. Yay! I heard my wife say she has no control over her drinking & I'm happy that she said it! THERE'S something a normie doesn't know! Anyway, conversation turned to getting her some help. What is out there? What's the best way to start?

Bernadette

Yes the admission of a problem is a good first step. But it has to be followed up by ACTION! I wouldn't have any conversation while she is drinking or if she is drunk. Might as well talk to a lamp post - no matter how emotional or committed she may seem - if she is drunk it just doesn't matter!

I'd give her the telephone number to local AA amd then just totally step off.. If SHE calls and asks for help often a 12th stepper will meet her for a coffee and a chat. That's how my dad finally got into AA and quit. He had that piece of paper with the AA number on it in a drawer in his dresser for 7 years before he called it. I guess that's when he was ready. That call began 20 years of great recovery and peace! It was 7 more lost years in the lives of us kids and in his marriage - but it was his call to make.

Peace-
B

m1k3

I have to agree with everyone else. It's her problem to solve. If she is ready she will do all the footwork herself because SHE wants to.

Your friend,

OhBoy

I understand & I told her as much, but when she asks "how do I get help?" I don't want to say "yer on yer own kiddo!"
I told her it's her decision & I won't steer her in any direction of what her decision should be. I just want to know what the options are for her.

m1k3

A good place to start is AA. She can also google recovery programs in your area. Again, let her do the footwork.

You could google Al-Anon meetings in your area for yourself. Or pick up a copy of the book Codependent No More. It was really useful to me, it will also explain why you doing the initial work is bad for BOTH of you.

Your friend,

Bernadette

AA has the best track record. She might want to call her family doc and admit the real truth and depth of her problem since depending on how much/often she drinks de-toxing can be dangerous.

I mean - help is all around - all she has to do is google it! Whatever recommendations you make try not to have any expectation of her reaction - you can hope for the best - but expectations are bound to be disappointed and I found letting go of my expectations to be instrumental in maintaining my mental health and letting the alcoholic's problem rest firmly with the alcoholic.

Have you tried AlAnon or counseling for yourself?

Peace-
B

boyersj

You are quite fortunate that she has admitted to having a problem. I just in the last week came to terms that my AGF/fiance has the addiction and since then it has created a lot of misery. I don't have alot of confidence in my situation but I am glad to hear that yours turned the stone. I am curious how you initiated a healthy non-defensive discussion because ours is always of the defensive nature.

-boyer

OhBoy

I remained calm & kept my thoughts & words slow & planned out. She kept saying she was sorry for what she has done/is doing to me & I told her what she does is out of my control & I won't let it hurt me anymore. All that being said I think I just happened to catch her at the right time. I wasn't looking to start the conversation, it just happened & she let her guard down for a second. Unfortunately only her actions will prove if she has turned a stone or not. I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. I wish I had realized, no, make that payed attention to the signs before I got married. This is progressive. For her it was slow at first & is escalating rapidly now. Think long & hard about living with years of pain. It got worse for me, I thought I was going to go insane until I found SR & got some tools for my head. Reading so many similar posts has helped me greatly. Good luck to you.