*sigh*
 

I'm 53 + sober for almost 20yrs. AH and I have been together also for almost 20 yrs. He has struggled with his sobriety but managed to get chunks of time in at times (has always been in AA). The last chunk was 3 1/2 yrs. It ended 2 months ago when he came home from work drunk. He managed to get his 30 day chip and then came home from work stoned huffing paint thinner of all things (scares the hell out of me!)

I have been in + out of Al-anon for many years and it just happened that the day of my first meeting back was the day he came home drunk. How's that for a God Shot? I don't drive so I HAVE to call people for rides to meetings - I am getting better at it (I am NOT a people person by nature!) I am now averaging 3 meetings a week.

I HATE going to meetings!!!! I want to stay and hide in my apartment. But I go. I go to meetings and I sit there and cry. I went to my women's AA meeting last Friday and cried so hard that I couldn't talk - they wanted to take me to the hospital. People hug me. They talk to me. They reassure me. They give me their phone number and tell me to call. They answer the phone when I do or they call me back if they're not home. Maybe meetings aren't so bad after all?

AH went on an AA Men's Retreat this weekend and that has always fired him up in the past. I pray that it does now. I don't want to ride this roller coaster any more. My chest hurts constantly from the panic and wondering . . .

One thing that really really hurts is that until a month ago, I have ALWAYS believed in him, that he could DO IT, that he would GET IT THIS TIME. Now, I just don't. And that hurts SO MUCH.

*sigh*

My heart breaks for you as I am on the same roller coaster and pins and needles as you are... but I have achieved peace and serenity even knowing that our lives are so uncertain. The disease is cunning and powerful and only dedicated ACTIVE recovery keeps the A from sliding down the slippery slope of relapse.

The GREAT news is that your A has the tools and he is very capable of regaining his sobriety but it would be very healthy for him to start over at step one and find out where he missed something!

Was it active service? Was it daily inventory? Daily prayer and meditation with his HP of his own understanding?

A puzzle piece got lost... it happens! Dry your tears because this valley may get him on the REAL path God has for both of you!!!! Seriously ... see the hope and the future of a spiritual revelation that may change his and your life together to become deeper and richer in meaning and real recovery.

This has happened for me... and I am the worst know it all and the one thing that I have learned in recovery... I do not know it all and in fact know very little. My HP wants me to learn more about me and about those I love and others who are struggling.

If retreats have been good at "firing him up" then I strongly suggest that he prayerfully consider whether his HP wants him to be a STEADY volunteer at retreats! Maybe listening to XAspeakers or hosting others to listen to those together is something to consider. We must give back to keep what we have been given ...

You know this... it works if we work it. Sounds like he has a willing heart and that itself is a very, very good thing.

I'm so sorry you're in this painful place. I also got sober in 1991 and have learned that the ONLY thing I have power over is myself and that denial accompanies me through life perched on my shoulder. You are taking the right steps and it sounds like you have good support so while this hurts so much, you'll get through it as we all do. Where I need the support of AA and Al-anon is to get the reality checks I need when codependency rears its head. So keep talking and posting, it helps you and also the rest of us. God bless!

:ghug3

Want to (((hug you))) too...

:ghug3

Bluemoon congratulations on YOUR sobriety. I admire you and have admired you since I "met" you online 2 years ago.

((Bluemoon))

Oh sweetie - that is heartbreaking ~ I hate you are dealing with it, but I am glad you are reaching OUT of your comfort zone to your Al-Anon f2f family for support.

I was once told when our loved ones are at their worst ~ we need to be at our best.

Please use this time to take good care of YOU - physically, emotionally, spiritually and recovery wise! Not only do you need it, but sweetie, you deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita