Newbie looking for hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 7
Newbie looking for hope
Hi all. My husband just got out of his second detox (not really recovery). He is in intensive outpatient treatment and going to AA, and I am going to start Al-Anon, but in the meantime, I have read a bit on this board, and I don't see any real success stories, which scares me. I'd like to think that sometimes it works out and you don't get a divorce and life is okay again.
I know I'm being somewhat naieve, as I know it's hard, but does it EVER work out okay?
(I tried to choose the name "seeking hope" but someone else has it. I wonder if they found hope.)
I know I'm being somewhat naieve, as I know it's hard, but does it EVER work out okay?
(I tried to choose the name "seeking hope" but someone else has it. I wonder if they found hope.)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Happily everafter? No one could gaurentee that. There are alot of wonderful posts here full expierence strength and hope!! For me (almost 2 yrs recovering alcoholic)My successes sometimes came in packages that someone else wouldnt recognize as progress. Try not to compare it will only frustrate you. If your starting al anon work your program to the fullest and watch your miracle! You and your husband are at the begining of a journey and what I can tell you is your in the right direction!!! Welcome to SR!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Harrisburg, PA
Posts: 46
Of course you want hope, and unfortunately it seems that more horror stories are posted than success stories. I go to a lot of open AA speaker meetings, I hear success stories a lot. One thing they all have in common is a TRUE recovery -- working the steps with their sponsor even after 10, 20, or 30 years sober. It is a never ending process, but there are many people who live sober, peaceful lives after being very deep in alcoholism.
I like to have hope as well, but I always remind myself that my RABF can relapse anytime and I have no control over that. His sponsor told me that if he picks up he is giving up and no one can be there for me if they are giving up on themselves.
Good luck, I wish you the best.
I like to have hope as well, but I always remind myself that my RABF can relapse anytime and I have no control over that. His sponsor told me that if he picks up he is giving up and no one can be there for me if they are giving up on themselves.
Good luck, I wish you the best.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. Read and post as much as needed. We are here to support and encourage you.
You may not see a lot of successful couples posting in this forum. It doesn't mean they don't exist.
Most people arrive here looking for answers, looking for understanding, looking for wisdom and looking for help. When they find what they need, they move on.
When they no longer need to vent, question, and identify, they move on.
Some folks stick around because they want to give back what was freely given to them in their great time of need. For some, it is too painful reading the stories of newbies that have found themselves living a nightmare of addiction.
You will also meet members whose success is not measured by the fact that their relationship is still intact. Their success may be that they found recovery for themself, their alcoholic found recovery (or not) and they have decided to move in different directions with their life journey. Different outcomes for different families.
Please let us know how we can help you, as we are here to offer you support and encouragement.
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. Read and post as much as needed. We are here to support and encourage you.
You may not see a lot of successful couples posting in this forum. It doesn't mean they don't exist.
Most people arrive here looking for answers, looking for understanding, looking for wisdom and looking for help. When they find what they need, they move on.
When they no longer need to vent, question, and identify, they move on.
Some folks stick around because they want to give back what was freely given to them in their great time of need. For some, it is too painful reading the stories of newbies that have found themselves living a nightmare of addiction.
You will also meet members whose success is not measured by the fact that their relationship is still intact. Their success may be that they found recovery for themself, their alcoholic found recovery (or not) and they have decided to move in different directions with their life journey. Different outcomes for different families.
Please let us know how we can help you, as we are here to offer you support and encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Gaining Faith,
It can work... it is working in my life but I will not lie to you. The past 4 years have been so very hard as my A was one of the worst alcoholics I have ever seen in my life. We met while he was in recovery and fell in love but then relapsed and it has been a roller coaster of misery and happiness depending on the alcohol content of the moment.
The odds are not good ... sigh ... but I do believe in miracles and am living one right now. Life is uncertain but it is very uncertain when an alcoholic is in your life. What I have learned is that I have never witnessed any true alcoholic put their lives back together and achieve a balanced and happy life unless they enter into a true program of action and recovery.
It is not an easy path for them because true recovery means change and people do not WANT to change! It is our nature and for the alcoholic deep down they don't want to break up with alcohol and they must get to that place and be willing to whatever it takes (chopping off an arm for an example) to get and stay alcohol free through recovery.
It's work... hard work on themselves.
If anyone has ever found another path that works consistently please share it.
It can work... it is working in my life but I will not lie to you. The past 4 years have been so very hard as my A was one of the worst alcoholics I have ever seen in my life. We met while he was in recovery and fell in love but then relapsed and it has been a roller coaster of misery and happiness depending on the alcohol content of the moment.
The odds are not good ... sigh ... but I do believe in miracles and am living one right now. Life is uncertain but it is very uncertain when an alcoholic is in your life. What I have learned is that I have never witnessed any true alcoholic put their lives back together and achieve a balanced and happy life unless they enter into a true program of action and recovery.
It is not an easy path for them because true recovery means change and people do not WANT to change! It is our nature and for the alcoholic deep down they don't want to break up with alcohol and they must get to that place and be willing to whatever it takes (chopping off an arm for an example) to get and stay alcohol free through recovery.
It's work... hard work on themselves.
If anyone has ever found another path that works consistently please share it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
My husband and I are still together and he has been sober for about 7 months now. I met my husband almost 4 years ago and we moved in together after 8 months of knowing each other, married at 1 1/2 years of knowing each other. I denied to myself until 3 days prior to our wedding that he was an alcoholic. It has been a rocky road, but my faith in a Higher Power and attending Al Anon has truly been a blessing.
My husband is involved in NA, individual counseling and group counseling. It has been a struggle for both of us, but I have never given up hope or faith. I also believe that with my husband and I having a solid spiritual component in our marriage helps us, too.
I know that things could change at any moment, but I try not to dwell on the negatives. I am working to acknowledge the positives and that can be a challenge, too.
If you can attend any Al Anon functions, that would be a good idea, too. I went to my first Al Anon 60th Anniversary Luncheon a couple weeks ago and I heard an awesome lead. The man that gave the lead was still married to his alcoholic wife and she was in recovery after many years of struggle.
I know that every situation is different, but I always hang on to my hope and faith.
My husband is involved in NA, individual counseling and group counseling. It has been a struggle for both of us, but I have never given up hope or faith. I also believe that with my husband and I having a solid spiritual component in our marriage helps us, too.
I know that things could change at any moment, but I try not to dwell on the negatives. I am working to acknowledge the positives and that can be a challenge, too.
If you can attend any Al Anon functions, that would be a good idea, too. I went to my first Al Anon 60th Anniversary Luncheon a couple weeks ago and I heard an awesome lead. The man that gave the lead was still married to his alcoholic wife and she was in recovery after many years of struggle.
I know that every situation is different, but I always hang on to my hope and faith.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
GainingFaith, there is hope of a different type. I was a complete wreck and my life was miserable trying to deal with my alcoholic wife. However, thanks to this site and Al-Anon I am in a much better place. I am centered, content, happy and serene. My life is good. I have assumed responsibility for my life and my happiness and it works. I am separated from my AW and I am pretty sure this is going to end in divorce. Any you know what, that's OK. I have learned that I am enough just as I am and I don't need anyone to complete me. I am already whole and complete.
So there is hope, hope for a better life, for happiness and serenity. It can be found in the rooms of Al-Anon and in the program. Whether you stay with your A or not, whether they get better or not there is hope for you to get better.
Your friend,
So there is hope, hope for a better life, for happiness and serenity. It can be found in the rooms of Al-Anon and in the program. Whether you stay with your A or not, whether they get better or not there is hope for you to get better.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Personally I think expectations cause us more pain than practically anything else. As a recovering alcoholic (20 years) I can tell you it takes a good year to get really sober and it takes a loooong time to really change. The person getting sober is still an emotional and spiritual wreck for quite a while. We also much change with our own program, Al-anon. It's good to have a reality check
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
GainingFaith-
I think you have a great name!
I truly believe change is possible, but each person has to want it. I have been privledged to experience many in both the Al-anon and AA groups side of things that have together allowed their relationship to grow and blossom through their respective recoveries. I have also gotten to experience that with other types of recovery also.
My relationship did not make it through the rough waters of recovery, but I am happy to report that I have made it intact and in many ways the water is starting to really calm down for me.
I truly believe that we choose people to get into intimate relationships with that will help us to heal. I am only responsible for my own healing though....and I am not capable of healing anyone else. For me this is growth and actually offers me a lot of hope and faith.
Welcome and I am so glad you are here.
I think you have a great name!
I truly believe change is possible, but each person has to want it. I have been privledged to experience many in both the Al-anon and AA groups side of things that have together allowed their relationship to grow and blossom through their respective recoveries. I have also gotten to experience that with other types of recovery also.
My relationship did not make it through the rough waters of recovery, but I am happy to report that I have made it intact and in many ways the water is starting to really calm down for me.
I truly believe that we choose people to get into intimate relationships with that will help us to heal. I am only responsible for my own healing though....and I am not capable of healing anyone else. For me this is growth and actually offers me a lot of hope and faith.
Welcome and I am so glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Gaining Faith--Hugs to you. I'm one of those who was given much support and wisdom when I joined and have stayed away for a while because it is difficult to read stories like yours and know the pain. My situation is more like Mike's above--my XAH still doesn't believe he has a problem and that I am the cause of all pain in his life. We divorced after 28 years of marriage and 4 great kids, and I won't say it was easy, but I'm more peaceful, calm, confident and happy than I have been in many years. Although I was afraid to live alone, I learned I had been alone in my marriage for a very long time.
If your husband truly believes he has a problem, that's a beginning. Al-anon will help you, whatever your husband decides to do. And he is the only one who can stop the destruction alcohol brings to a family and a marriage.
You're in my prayers tonight. Take one day at a time and treat yourself as you deserve to be treated, whether your husband chooses to or not. Keep posting and reading. SR was a lifesaver for me.
If your husband truly believes he has a problem, that's a beginning. Al-anon will help you, whatever your husband decides to do. And he is the only one who can stop the destruction alcohol brings to a family and a marriage.
You're in my prayers tonight. Take one day at a time and treat yourself as you deserve to be treated, whether your husband chooses to or not. Keep posting and reading. SR was a lifesaver for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 7
Thank you all so much. I went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and it was wonderful. I have a lot of growing and learning to do, and hope that my husband and I grow together in this process and not apart.
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