quitforme79

I want to say that I already know the answer to this but if you respond this is not a waste of time but rather support...I think I know what the right thing to do is but it's seemingly hard. My ex wants to give things another go but refuses to stop drinking right now. He was honest about it at least but I feel in my gut that we are destined for failure if we try to work on things and he's using everyday. I mean, what kind of relationship would that be? Here's what I was thinking---I hate that I have to be the one to make the decision. Addicts seem to never take responsibility for anything huh? I was thinking of turning the tables and saying, "call me when you're sober" Then the ball's in his court. It's just so hard to give him any answer now because I love him and he is a wonderful person....but not the man I remember when he was sober, more like a shell

Bernadette

I vote: YES you do know the answer!

I feel in my gut that we are destined for failure if we try to work on things and he's using everyday

I hate that I have to be the one to make the decision. Addicts seem to never take responsibility for anything huh?

I love him and he is a wonderful person....but not the man I remember when he was sober, more like a shell

Trust yourself. Remember the A will twist all the natural impulses we non-As have about love and use them to their advantage to get us back in the loop. But you seem to know what is on that path:

I mean, what kind of relationship would that be?

A lousy and painful and miserable one.

Peace-
B

Bernadette

sorry dbl post! All my posts seem to dbl post this evening!

Seren

In my opinion, you are showing great strength. It seems to me that you know what will be best for you in the long run. It's never easy, though, huh?

I hope you will keep living your own life....if he gets sober and it works out with him, it will work out. If not.....you have not wasted any more of your life waiting.

Hugs, HG

Willybluedog

You already have all the answers, you just have to decide what you are going to do.

Hope you have enough faith in yourself to keep him at arms length until he straightens out.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Pelican

I recommend re-reading some early posts.
I also recommend re-reading in your journal.

These writings will remind you of the reasons you seperated.

Hugs and encouragement!

quitforme79

Thanks so much to all of you for your responses. I really don't want to waste more of life living in pain & giving myself to someone who probably can't even give me 20%. It's very hard to say no to someone I care so much about but yet this person can't say no to using over our relationship. I hope he gets sober but in the meantime I'll keep focusing on me. Have a great day everyone ((hugs))

Jasmine2011

Be the strong one and let him go. It's time for him to make a change in order to keep you.

breakingglass

sounds like i should follow your advise too Jasmine...... thanks

Hopeworks

My RA had an addictive belief that if someone loves them then they should love them through relapses.

I told him that while I would love him my boundaries were alcohol free and I would have to love him from afar if he picked up a drink. I was put to the test when after 11 months sobriety I found an empty vodka bottle. I packed him up and dropped him at rehab as was our relapse prevention plan... he chose to not go in the door.

Fast forward... he is back in stronger recovery than ever before as he had a night journey of the soul and an experience with God when he bottomed from his bender this last time. Had I not created the alcohol free boundary it would not have created the circumstances that led to a life changing moment with his HP.

Your situation may be different than mine and your HP's plan may be different for your A ... I pray for open and closed doors and for clear direction from my HP as it is SO HARD to know what is the best course of action sometimes!

Finding peace and serenity with a recovering A is often as challenging as living with an active A... change is hard and addicts learning to think, act and live completely sober is a tough path for them and those who love them.

It was easy for me... NO ALCOHOL! No exceptions. Not ever. He doesn't even drink mouthwash with alcohol and if communion has real wine (his church yes mine no) he crossees his arms.

Getting his alcoholic brain to accept that forever part of that was a long journey but now... NOW... he believes it with all his heart, mind and soul.

It can happen... rarer than hens teeth I think but it can happen. It's happening in my life but I live in the moment and know it can all change in 2 seconds if he picks up a drink.

lillamy

Truer words were never spoken.

quitforme79

Thanks hopeworks. I was thinking that if he was sober, he would think I was crazy to even attempt getting back with him in his state. He was sober 8 years until a couple months ago so I know he can do it. And what you did was healthy, for you and for him. I feel like if I accepted his using behaviors I would just be yet another person who enables them (he's got a couple of those in his family bigtime). I do have hope that he will come thru all this but right now he is adamant on telling me that he will NOT STOP NOW and can't promise me anything..so guess my response is just as powerful if not more when I say I won't accept that. I can't sit around and watch him hurt himself, that's just ridiculous, sad and masochistic. Love what you said too Jasmine...it's time I put me first and maybe for once he could think about doing something good for me

humnbird

This is card my AXBF pulls constantly!!! Where does this sick belief come from??