And now I realize...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
And now I realize...
I have another round to start in the visitation arrangements for DS and his abusive A father. I've been hesitating for several reasons (waiting for one of the visitation supervisors to go forward to the court like they're supposed to, looking for an attorney I can afford...), though I know I need to do it for DS. I came across the following today on the Abbey of the Arts website as she writes about a Lenten retreat:
I can't stop crying. I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to go to court to protect DS from his father. After everything, living through h-ll with XAH, escaping, dealing with him and his enablers, all my work in counseling. I do not want to have to do this, because I still hope he'll get it. I still hold a small hope that he'll admit he has a problem with alcohol and whatever else he's using, with abusive behavior, that he'll honestly seek help.
I don't understand how this small piece of hope can be so tenacious, so strong, durable, obstinate, and blind. I think, though, that now that I see it, I'm ready to take the next step in the court proceedings. I hope I'm ready to work with/through this feeling; although I don't know what I should be trying to do with it. Nurture it, ignore it, shove it into the realm of reality? God, this hurts.
The link to the website for any who may wish to visit it:
Altar for an Unknown God « Abbey of the Arts
Many pray for family members and friends struggling with illness, some pray for their own clarity and discernment. One young man looks directly into my eyes and says he wants to be healed of his addiction. I look back at him, I hold his hands tightly, and I offer my prayer in return. Many close their eyes to receive this prayer, but he holds my gaze intently. I say that with the whole communion of Saints who stand right there with us, I ask blessings upon him for healing and wholeness in body and spirit. I pray that he be freed from the prison of addiction and experience the promise of life that God desires so deeply for him. I say these words and I mean them as deeply as anything I have ever said. A tear rolls down his cheek. I squeeze his hand, “Amen” we both say and he walks away. His longing has been imprinted on my heart.
I don't understand how this small piece of hope can be so tenacious, so strong, durable, obstinate, and blind. I think, though, that now that I see it, I'm ready to take the next step in the court proceedings. I hope I'm ready to work with/through this feeling; although I don't know what I should be trying to do with it. Nurture it, ignore it, shove it into the realm of reality? God, this hurts.
The link to the website for any who may wish to visit it:
Altar for an Unknown God « Abbey of the Arts
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello theuncertainty.....
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now...
Thank you for sharing your circumstances with all of us....
I have found myself doing the very same thing in terms of having "a glimmer of hope" that the people in my life who I have been affected by, will someday "get it" too....
And no matter how small that hope is, gosh...it CAN be so powerful, indeed....
Of course, I have hope for anyone suffering from an addiction that they will seek the help that they need, but at the same time, I have hope for myself that no matter what happens to them, that I can recover even if they don't...
This does NOT mean, that I don't care...It's quite the opposite, actually...
I do care...and for me, I have learned that the more I take care of myself, the more I can be of help to the addict if and when they do decide to seek help...
And, again, even if they don't reach out to me, there's no harm in me seeking self-improvement...
I truly feel for you and your situation regarding your son, but I believe you are doing the right thing for all of you...
By doing what's best for you and your son, your EXAH may be forced to look at himself....
And if he doesn't, at least, you and your son won't be further exposed to this awful illness...
Peace to you....
Diva 76
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now...
Thank you for sharing your circumstances with all of us....
I have found myself doing the very same thing in terms of having "a glimmer of hope" that the people in my life who I have been affected by, will someday "get it" too....
And no matter how small that hope is, gosh...it CAN be so powerful, indeed....
Of course, I have hope for anyone suffering from an addiction that they will seek the help that they need, but at the same time, I have hope for myself that no matter what happens to them, that I can recover even if they don't...
This does NOT mean, that I don't care...It's quite the opposite, actually...
I do care...and for me, I have learned that the more I take care of myself, the more I can be of help to the addict if and when they do decide to seek help...
And, again, even if they don't reach out to me, there's no harm in me seeking self-improvement...
I truly feel for you and your situation regarding your son, but I believe you are doing the right thing for all of you...
By doing what's best for you and your son, your EXAH may be forced to look at himself....
And if he doesn't, at least, you and your son won't be further exposed to this awful illness...
Peace to you....
Diva 76
Last edited by Diva76; 11-21-2011 at 02:18 PM. Reason: Typo!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
That was a moving quote. I sort of worked through this by separating my hope ( and I still hope and wish full recovery for my xah) from my expectations. It was hard to do. I also have a hard time being totally honest with him or standing up for my boundaries if it will upset him or the kids. He asked to stay at our house a couple days if he came to visit. I've ignored that email for a long time because I do not want him here but I don't want to have to say no. I'm lucky he lives far away right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I understand. I understand about the HOPE, the desire the longing that his father will get better. I have that too with my STBXAH....I want him in my daughters lives, they need him in their lives....when he is healthy. SO I hold on to that hope and I keep his love for them alive in their hearts. One day I hope he will be the father I know he can be...the father he was before the addiction took over.
Until then I have sole custody and control of visitation. They come first and by protecting them he may see the light.
You are not alone...prayers for you and peace -
Until then I have sole custody and control of visitation. They come first and by protecting them he may see the light.
You are not alone...prayers for you and peace -
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big fat hugs.
You can continue hoping.
But at the same time you're hoping, and praying, you have to base your actions on what the reality is today.
That's not to say that you will actively prevent your son from seeing his father, should his father hit bottom and sober up and become a recovering alcoholic instead of an actively drinking one. It just means you're taking what you know about the real state of affairs today, and doing everything you can to protect your son from the fallout of his father's decisions, to the extent you can.
You can continue hoping.
But at the same time you're hoping, and praying, you have to base your actions on what the reality is today.
That's not to say that you will actively prevent your son from seeing his father, should his father hit bottom and sober up and become a recovering alcoholic instead of an actively drinking one. It just means you're taking what you know about the real state of affairs today, and doing everything you can to protect your son from the fallout of his father's decisions, to the extent you can.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hope is not a plan.
Stick to your wise plans and keep an open mind!
I actually was cynical upon reading that quote from Abbey for the Arts - I have seen too much A behavior I guess, and my feeling was many an A would love a passive painless cure, just as anvilhead said we all wish for the easy fix, an A would love to be cleansed free of their addiction by receiving a blessing and prayers. Many a time I have held my brother's hand while a tear rolled down his cheek and my heart was full of pity and hope....and I let myself get sucked into the alcoholic roller coaster insanity AGAIN!
We all get out what we put in to our recovery - there is no easy road, but every step on that road brings more freedom and peace of mind and serenity.
Of course you don't want to go to court to protect DS from his A father, what an ugly business all around. But it's the right thing to do. I know when I just keep doing the next right thing I simplify my struggle. Not easy but worth it.
(((((hugs))))) to you and a shot of courage-
peace
B
Stick to your wise plans and keep an open mind!
I actually was cynical upon reading that quote from Abbey for the Arts - I have seen too much A behavior I guess, and my feeling was many an A would love a passive painless cure, just as anvilhead said we all wish for the easy fix, an A would love to be cleansed free of their addiction by receiving a blessing and prayers. Many a time I have held my brother's hand while a tear rolled down his cheek and my heart was full of pity and hope....and I let myself get sucked into the alcoholic roller coaster insanity AGAIN!
We all get out what we put in to our recovery - there is no easy road, but every step on that road brings more freedom and peace of mind and serenity.
Of course you don't want to go to court to protect DS from his A father, what an ugly business all around. But it's the right thing to do. I know when I just keep doing the next right thing I simplify my struggle. Not easy but worth it.
(((((hugs))))) to you and a shot of courage-
peace
B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by lillamy 
It just means you're taking what you know about the real state of affairs today
Hang in there! This is a tough spot but you must do the right thing for your son.
Prayers and positive thoughts...
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Just as every addict longs for a painless easy cure so do many of those who identify themselves as Christians long for a faith that is easy and a God who requires little effort and answers prayers for whatever they desire.
The truth that many of us have found is that true recovery is a mirror of authentic faith in a loving God and contrary to consumer christianity requires that we use our HP's mirror on our own behaviors and thoughts to bring them into harmony with the truth and what is right.
That is how we truly change ourselves by using the gifts that our HP gave us. The journey to truth, to recovery, to peace often goes through a valley because we are too hardheaded and hardhearted to seek it while we are on the mountaintops.
So many times I read on here a gratefulness for the pain of loving an addict because it brought their own recovery from their own wounds and taught them how to walk out the rest of their lives.
Those we love that are trapped in the apparent hopelessness of addictive thinking can recover and when we accept that we do not have the key ourselves but that our HP can open their eyes when the student is ready. Divine apointments are real but are wasted if the A is not ready and rarely do the A's listen to the spouse or family members that have been preaching to them for years. We are like the teacher on Peanuts that talks and all the kids hear are WAAH, WAAH, WAAH, WAAH!
Gods chosen people wandered in circles for 40 years whining and complaining when the actual trip could have taken a few weeks or months (forget now) if a straight path were taken. Our A's are wandering in the desert eating manna or worse when they could step into the promised land of recovery if they would just get over the fact that the giants they see can be overcome.
So... true peace comes when we accept that our HP (my anonymous HP is Jesus C.) set the stars in the sky and knows the end from the beginning and can and will bring our A out of the desert once they get tired enough of looking at sand and the empty desert and truly want deliverance and are willing to submit themselves to doing what it takes... surrender.
Our part is to love them and pray for them and point to the way out... can't drag 'em and nagging is just more WAAAH, WAAAH, WAAAH. Just hurts the ears of the listener and ticks off the teacher... lol.
The truth that many of us have found is that true recovery is a mirror of authentic faith in a loving God and contrary to consumer christianity requires that we use our HP's mirror on our own behaviors and thoughts to bring them into harmony with the truth and what is right.
That is how we truly change ourselves by using the gifts that our HP gave us. The journey to truth, to recovery, to peace often goes through a valley because we are too hardheaded and hardhearted to seek it while we are on the mountaintops.
So many times I read on here a gratefulness for the pain of loving an addict because it brought their own recovery from their own wounds and taught them how to walk out the rest of their lives.
Those we love that are trapped in the apparent hopelessness of addictive thinking can recover and when we accept that we do not have the key ourselves but that our HP can open their eyes when the student is ready. Divine apointments are real but are wasted if the A is not ready and rarely do the A's listen to the spouse or family members that have been preaching to them for years. We are like the teacher on Peanuts that talks and all the kids hear are WAAH, WAAH, WAAH, WAAH!
Gods chosen people wandered in circles for 40 years whining and complaining when the actual trip could have taken a few weeks or months (forget now) if a straight path were taken. Our A's are wandering in the desert eating manna or worse when they could step into the promised land of recovery if they would just get over the fact that the giants they see can be overcome.
So... true peace comes when we accept that our HP (my anonymous HP is Jesus C.) set the stars in the sky and knows the end from the beginning and can and will bring our A out of the desert once they get tired enough of looking at sand and the empty desert and truly want deliverance and are willing to submit themselves to doing what it takes... surrender.
Our part is to love them and pray for them and point to the way out... can't drag 'em and nagging is just more WAAAH, WAAAH, WAAAH. Just hurts the ears of the listener and ticks off the teacher... lol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thanks so much guys. It just hit really hard yesterday. Nightmares have started again, so I'm freakin' tired as h-ll. I seriously thought I was done waiting for him to admit he needs help. And - bam - I run full speed into it. Only now that I'm aware of it, rather than a brick wall, it's more like one of those - what are they called - wheel stop things that line the end of a parking spaces. Easy enough to step over or around if you're looking, just hurts like crazy when you trip over it because you weren't paying attention. (Don't ask me how I know it hurts. -- I'm graceful like that. -- No one was looking, right? OK cool.)
I do know what I need to do and had started it, was just dragging my feet.... Now I just need to find a lawyer who provides unbundled services that can help look everything over before I turn it in to the court.
So yeah. If some one had told me the story that I quoted in my initial post and said it was about XAH, I'd have been ROFLMAO. If you believe that, man, have I got a bridge for ya.
Sneaky, sneaky things those expectations and hopes.
I do know what I need to do and had started it, was just dragging my feet.... Now I just need to find a lawyer who provides unbundled services that can help look everything over before I turn it in to the court.
So yeah. If some one had told me the story that I quoted in my initial post and said it was about XAH, I'd have been ROFLMAO. If you believe that, man, have I got a bridge for ya.
Sneaky, sneaky things those expectations and hopes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
