boyersj

I know that intervention may work and I have researched the risks involved. The biggest concern regarding that is that everyone in her inner circle has ignored the problem. Until I came into her life it was not only acceptible but encouraged. This new resistance to that which has always been permitted is overwhelming to her and she has severely retracted.

I do have to let go, for myself. No more pressure, no more conflict. I now realize from all your support that I have tried to change/control her even though the intentions were to improve her quality of life. Many times she has said I am perfect, and am everything she ever wanted. In fact she prayed to her deceased grandma for me to find her. Now she projects the kids attitude as my fault and its accurate. I put pressure for change instead of acceptance. It wasn't until the halloween incident did I really accept her additction, but now that I have there is but one thing to do.

The only question remains is when? Before I leave, or when I return? My mind says do it tonight, my heart says why ruin Thanksgiving for everyone affected.

boyersj

I have a question regarding al-anon. Is there separate meetings for those who are family of the A or is it all one meeting?

Thanks in advanced for the information!

Bernadette

AlAnon is not AA. Often they may hold the meetings in separate rooms at the same location but they are completely separate meetings. AA is for the alcoholics - AlAnon is for the people who love the alcoholics.

I tried a few different AlAnon meetings (different times and locations) until I found one with a good feel for me. Good luck!
B

boyersj

LOL ok, thank you for the information, and even more thanks to the great advice I have received.

We had a break-through last night when I told herI am not going to be angry when you drink anymore. I did not tell her that I will establish boundaries and begin going to Al-anon but she pepped up and started talking (been 4 days of virtual silence).

She went on and on about how hurt she has been, and when she got done with her rant I clearly stated how you have felt, we have also felt. I think it sunk in pretty deep because she also re-established communication with the whole family and seemed happy.

I don't know what will happen long term but I do believe that the education of understanding the best methods to communicate will long term make me a better person and hopefully make her also want to be a better person. I have you all to thank and with the coming holiday, its nice to know there are folks out there who care enough about someone they do not even know to help them out

I am going to take the weekend to decide what boundaries are reasonable but I would sure like some feedback on others who may have had boundaries with success.

I am leaning towards some of the following:
If you have been drinking before we go out on a "date" I am not going out with you.
If you are drunk, I am sleeping on the couch.
If you drink, the kids are not riding in the car with you. They can call me for a ride.

I am sure there are others, but isn't there also the risk of setting too many?

As always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

m1k3

How about "I will not interact with someone who's drinking is bothering me"? That pretty much covers anything that can come up involving drinking.

And the second isn't a boundary, it's a rule and make sure the kids know it. They are not allowed in a car when the driver has been drinking.

Does that help?

Your friend,

boyersj

Mike,

I think that is probably a pretty reasonable statement however I do occassionally drink and to make a bland statement like that would be a bit hypocritical in my opinion. I will concede drinking around her as she has a problem that I do not have but to show support I won't drink around her anymore.

I felt the 3 statements I am considering as boundaries are crystal clear, concise, and cannot be "twisted" as is can often occur. Going to a more generic statement could be considered an ultimatim and then we get into the anger, finger pointing, and more provoking scenario.

Perhaps I need to be firmer than that? I still be clarity is crucial so she knows exactly the reaction for a specific event.

Bernadette

Perhaps I need to be firmer than that? I still be clarity is crucial so she knows exactly the reaction for a specific event.

The most important aspect of a boundary for me is how do I maintain it? So they have always been "If....then..." statements for me and I only say it if I am honestly prepared to take the action that I am saying I will take. And I am only taking actions that protect me and my mental health - I try to sift out the actions that are actually abut me trying to punish or control the A!!! So tempting but futile and keeps me sick!! :codiepolice LOL

You seem like you're on a good track!

Pecae-
B

m1k3

Boyer, boundaries are for you. You don't even have to tell her. A boundary is "if x happens then I will do y". That's all. So it's simple, if her drinking is bothering you you simply stop interacting with her. Sleep on the couch if you want, go to another room, go for a walk, whatever. You are not telling her what to do you are simply defining what you will do if the situation becomes something you don't like. Doesn't involve her at all. It could even be someone else's drinking that is bothering you.

As for the kids, that you tell them and her and anyone who drives them. No drinking and driving, none, not open to debate on how much or anything else.

I don't try to discuss boundaries with alcoholics. In my experience it just doesn't work. So I set my boundaries for myself to protect me.

Your friend,

boyersj

Hmm well I am definitely going to attend. Will be unable to during the holiday weekend as I will be out of town visiting my parents and rest of my family. I will be alone, as she has to work and cannot make the trip.

I guess I believed a boundary was a communicated event so they had no method to justify their actions because of my own. Perhaps I am mistaken?

As far as the chopped sentence I deleted some and didn't proofread lol. My apologies for that.

I absolutely will not communicate any policy I am unwilling to adhere 100%.

I do think she is starting to see the consequences, and unhappy with the results of her actions but still has not made that final connection. Of course as I indicated her mother encourages the drinking so that is a HUGE obstacle. For 20 years she has been mom's drinking buddy. It is hard to accept that has been a damaging relationship.

Love is patient, love is kind (but is not foolish). At least I feel I have a path that if/when I walk away I can feel good that I truly gave her a chance that not even her own family has really given due to the years of enabling.

chronsweet

Boyer, my A has a very enabling mother as well. It is frustrating. His mother is also an A and so any attempt to get his mom to see his problem only exacerbates the problem. When trying to attempt to tell her that living with this man is unreasonable because of his drinking only puts her on edge because her alcoholism is also confronted. She agrees at times with me that her son shouldn't drink 'as much as he does' but she is always, and i mean ALWAYS, drinking with him when she comes around.

I am beginning to learn to not confront my A because it just creates more problems. I don't need the tension. I don't need for my son to feel the tension and neither does he as he is only almost 2. Therefore, I can only control my own actions and try very hard at not reacting to his drinking. IT IS HARD. You know you're not an alcoholic, so, if you want ONE DRINK one day, then have one.

Love is patient and kind and all of that. BUT, one other thing I am beginning to realize is that it takes TWO people to be in a loving relationship. I don't feel like a relationship with an A is completely loving. I am not loving myself by staying in a situation I don't want to be in for lack of communication and support from the ONE person who is supposed to 'get me'. To be honest, in this relationship with this A, I have never felt more misunderstood in my entire life. I can seriously have a more open, peaceful, communicative and fulfilling conversation with my ex-husband who still understands me to this day.

I have seen this next question asked in various formats on SR and I am sure you have been asked it as well. I am going to re-ask for you, for me and for all the others still trying to find the light, a way out, "What is it you expect for yourself, what do you think you deserve in a relationship from another human being? Is that what you are getting from this relationship?"

boyersj

Great post chronsweet. It shows that my situation is not extremely unusual but it has a real interesting twist that seems inconsistent with *most* that I have encountered.

There is virtually no shortage of loving in the relationship EXCEPT when she wants to go see her mother, as that is their relationship and that is the typical result. We generally communicate well (except alcohol) and we truly are happy most of the time. Those times are when the alcohol consumption begins, because quite frankly she doesn't know when to stop. Since I just determined that either she is truly addicted OR I at least need to address the quantity and frequency of drinking as if she is addicted - I haven't come to decide I do not love myself because of it.

Anyhow the reputation she has created during the last few months is pretty dismal, and I believe she does want to improve it. For example Yesterday I texted her daughter, "Your mom is at your grandma's." her response, "She is probably getting drunk." Now to my pleasant surprise last night she showed no signs of drinking (Tuesdays is a scheduled day off for my fiancé) it really felt like she is starting to listen perhaps understand that the drunkenness really has done damage to those she loves and lives

She is a nurturing and loving person, often easily over-stressed by work and used to being a never-married, single mother for 16 years. She did text me at work one day stating her crave for a drink and the hot tub but and then contributed it to work-related stress.

Her drinking is about 95% with her mother, and the other 5% with a couple of her brothers. I have observed her tell her mom I don't want a drink and her mom will pout about it, and make her anyway. My fiancé is an adult and can make her own decisions, but the issue is when she starts, it’s too late when she stops.

Additionally when drunk, she wants to be the focus of attention, and if you don't give it to her - she will create a scene, which is why it has been difficult for me to observe UNTIL her inability to control it when she promised, to stop getting drunk, etc.

Her kids have also noticed, and while they used to go with her all the time to see their grandma, now it is pretty rare. Part of that is growing into being a teenager, but part of it does not want to be in the constant presence of alcohol consumption. It is worth stating that I have never observed an instance where her mom didn't have alcohol with her and she was pushing her daughter to drink with her.

From my perspective it is easy to say, why would you allow your mother to influence you to do something that hurts your own children... but thats also because it is not a bond I have with either of my parent and I felt first hand what it is like to have a (step)parent who drank too much and got abusive with me.

It is pretty obvious to me that her relationship with her mother, who is her best friend, is pretty damaging to the rest of the family but I am smart enough to know that will NEVER change. For her own sake I just hope she realizes she maintains the relationship with her mother at the expense of the relationship with her kids.