tyabner

I've been moved out for over five weeks from my AW. The first week was no contact and was really stress free other than her calling a thousand times. So since I've been moved out she says she has stopped drinking and hasn't had a drop of alcohol. She said that she is working the rational recovery program. The five weeks of being moved out have had a lot of ups and down. It's like riding a roller coaster. I'll try to summarize the five weeks.

Week One - No contact. Refused to speak with her.
Week Two - I was feeling lonely and thinking that maybe I made a mistake or moved out two hastily (even though I told her for three months that if she didn't stop drinking I would move out)
Week Three - I agreed to go to counseling with her. The counselor talked us into "dating" once a week. This first week was good. We went out to eat and had a good time talking about how our day was and didn't talk about any relationship stuff. The counselor wanted us to try to be friends again.
Week Four - Things start returning to crazy town. She found my car in the apartment complex so knows where am at. If I don't answer her calls, she drives past the complex to make sure I'm not out doing something. She constantly tries to blame me for cheating on her. (which I have not done and am currently not doing) The phone calls have turned into hour long conversations about when I'm moving back in and how dumb it was for me to move out. She calls everyday until she gets a hold of me. Has shown up at places she knows I am at to "talk" with me which is always turns to an arguement.
Week Five - Haven't seen her all week as I came down with pneumonia. Tried to see her yesterday but within 10 minutes of being together she asked if she could come see my place. I said no. She left. She called later that day, accused me of cheating again, blah blah blah. She said she was tired of me being in control of everything and she was going to take control.

So I guess my questions are is this stuff normal? I know its not normal but has anyone else had these things happen. Have you guys had situations of stalking when you moved out? Is this just an effort to control me? It's like she has lost control and can't take it. She wants to be in control so bad but isn't in control of me anymore. The phone calls usually start with her reminiscing about the past but always end in a fight about her seeing my place or when am I moving back home. She also wants me to say really bad that I regret moving out...which I don't. I know that I need to probably just go no contact but my heart won't let me. Will I get there?

lillamy

A couple of questions:

1) Does this counselor know she's an alcoholic?
2) Does this counselor have any experience counseling people with substance abuse problems?

I'm asking because any counselor that asks you to date and/or be friends with an actively drinking alcoholic, or an alcoholic who's been sober for a very brief time is not a counselor I would trust.

And also -- why are you agreeing to going to counseling with her? How does it help you? Or are you doing it to be nice, to help her? If it's the latter -- don't.

You could choose to not answer the calls and have her number blocked. You could choose to walk away. You could find out what's required to get a protective order against her for stalking.

Why?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I found that the only way I could get to thinking clearly was to let no contact mean NO CONTACT. And stick to it.

Will your heart ever get there? Sure. Fake it till you make it. Or ask yourself why you keep talking to her expecting a different result when your evidence to date is that every time, she tries to badger you into coming back, which you don't want to do.

Carol Star

My counselor said my XAH should do 90 meetings in 90 days (AA), and then we could try to start seeing each other again. The counselor saw both of us. He (XAH) didn't do the meetings. We divorced. You have to watch their actions. My X was jealous with no reason also. That totally confused me. I went to work, and came home- no affair....it got wierd. Alcohol fried my X's brain. It progressed so bad- toward the end he was doing methodone pills from some neighbor, growing pot in the closet, and drinking over a case of beer a day. No fun for me- it was hard and sad but now four years later I see how nuts and bad it was. I am good now and have no contact for over a year.

marie1960

Every single one of her actions is to control and manipulate you at this time.

She is now in a downward spiral. You moved out, she is losing control, she will now step up her game, to try and regain control, and continue to manipulate you.

The accusations of cheating are just another form of denial on their part. They think you moved out because there is "someone else", god forbid they look in the mirror and see the truth. They cannot fathom that their actions are the cause of this, in their crazy booze soaked minds, all is well.

She will continue to walk all over you like a doormat, until the day, that you stand up, we all have our limits, and it sounds to me like you are reaching your limitations.

I have to ask, what are you really getting out of this relationship??

Going no contact is for you. It is an end to the crazy dialogue, that you are subjected to on a daily basis. Maybe, just maybe, in cutting off communication, she will figure out that you are serious.

Time to start taking better care of You. Do things that enrich your life.

This is her problem, and it's her addiction. Step back. She will either sink or swim. Allow her the dignity and respect to heal herself................

Sending you warm thoughts.

tyabner

I appreciate all of your responses. It's like my mind knows what to do I just don't. We went to counseling tonight before I read all of your responses and the counselor said that she is not allowed to contact me in anyway. I agree that this is really the only way. She needs to focus on her recovery and I need to focus on mine.

Lillamy - To answer your questions. Yes this counselor knows that she is currently working a program and knows her drinking history. It was AW's counselor and is a family counselor so it's not in her best interest to have us divorce I guess. That's my only take. And I agreed to go to counseling in an attempt to help her but it's not working for me so I think I'm going to have to stop. AW walked out of the session tonight almost ten minutes into it because I said I wasn't moving back in with her.

I have put a silent ringtone on her phone number and text message so when she calls, I can't hear it. This allows me to not get stressed about her calling. This is an easy thing to do.

The question has been asked about what am I getting out of the relationship. I've thought about that and can honestly say nothing. I haven't gotten anything out of it for the last several years.....I guess that's why I moved out. Thanks for all the posts! I really appreciate it!

Bernadette

I have put a silent ringtone on her phone number and text message so when she calls, I can't hear it. This allows me to not get stressed about her calling. This is an easy thing to do.

Excellent step!

Protect your peace of mind. It's a big step to move out - you deserve as long as it takes to clear your mind of all the insanity and see things straight to make the best decisions for you.

No contact is tough - it's like cold turkey for the addict - you were used to the insanity and A behavior so even though you may think you were getting nothing out of it - it is what's familiar and you may crave it, even though you know it is toxic.

Have you tried AlAnon or your own chosen counselor? I needed both to break my bad habits of mind in relation to the As in my life.

One day at a time - keep choosing peace of mind!
--B

Bernadette

oops dbl post!

lillamy

Boy oh boy can I relate to that!!!
I have a trusted circle of friends that I run my thoughts and plans by. In the beginning, 100% of the time, they would say, "Nope. Enabling. Back to the drawing board. Come back with another action plan." After 18 months, I think we're down to 50% I really feel like there are two people arguing in my head at all times, one who knows what to do and one who just wants to do what AXH wants me to do because it's easier and then there's no fighting...

That sounds like a very plausible explanation to me. I would be concerned about seeing a counselor for couple's therapy who was my husband's individual therapist as well -- even if that wasn't the case, I would always wonder if the counselor had my husband's interest higher up on the priority list than mine. My current counselor won't do couple's counseling with people she's seeing individually for that exact reason.

That's a big step to be able to admit that. And a big step to move out. And it hurts and it's a grief process. I had to tell myself every day that it was OK to feel like utter crap. And remind myself that the day will come when I don't. Given that I live in the frozen north, I would picture it as walking through a snowstorm: If I just keep walking, I'll get there eventually. If I sit down, or turn around and try to go back, I'll die. So I'll keep walking. Even though it's hellishly uncomfortable and I'm freezing my tail off and hating it, every step takes me closer to a warm roaring fire and a big cup of hot tea. And fuzzy slippers. Ugly but comfortable ones.