alaska38

I'm not sure where else to turn so I'm hoping someone out there can relate and point me in the right direction.

I'm 22 years old and my parents are both in their early 50's.

Their drinking habits never really registered with me until i started high school and realised something wasn't quite right when they drank.

The issue is that they are not what people would consider the stereotypical alcoholics.

My mums behavior causes me the most concern. She gets up for work in the morning and the house work is always done. My parents have never beat me or neglected myself or my siblings.
But the drink is the fat elephant in the room for my family.

My mum drinks at least a bottle of wine every night, if more is available she wont stop. It changes her so that she slurs her words and her eyes glaze over and she just looses touch with reality.
My father becomes short-fused and aggressive.

I have had many arguments with them over their drinking as my uncle died of organ failure two years ago after a decade of alcoholism. It frightened me as i don't want the same happening to them.

My mum drinks to escape the stresses of life. The worst part is the lies. She lies about how much she drinks and if i raise this with her she gets aggressive and defensive and becomes dismissive of me, like 'how dare i suggest she has a drinking problem' which usually results in me feeling guilty and crying myself to sleep.

I only care deeply about their health and because the drinking has increased dramatically over the years they're going to need more and more alcohol over time to achieve that sedated state which makes me think that the problem will only get worse.

I do doubt myself sometimes because of (my mum in particulars) reaction, am i being ridiculous? over dramatic? reading the situation wrong? Is how much she drinks normal?!

She always makes excuses for her drinking. 'I'm on holiday' 'it's the weekend' 'i have had a tough day' i guess to reassure herself that what she's doing is acceptable. but i just lose patience with how she is when she's drunk!
'I'm not drunk, I'm just tired' is the one i hear most often, which is often spouted aggressively and devoid of any responsibility.
She just changes into this silly, sloppy incoherent being and i just can't handle it.

I can't take the arguments over it, or the guilt she makes me feel when i raise it.

I feel terrible because i look at what my uncle was like and i know that my parents don't drink half as much as him, but he had to start somewhere, just like they have.

Am i being ridiculous?!

alaska38

Even after posting this i just feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. like I'm creating something out of nothing and it's my fault.

:-(

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You are in a wonderful place of understanding and support. You are not alone.

I am sorry about the situation with your parents. I believe you have diagnosed their drinking correctly - problem with alcohol.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You may also find useful information and support for yourself on the forum for ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. Here is a link:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Alanon meetings and SR helped me learn what I could and could not do about my loved ones drinking.

You did not cause this situation. Alcoholics will blame a bad day, daily stress, childhood trauma, and the color of the sky as a reason to drink.

Embrace the three C's of alcoholism:

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

Sending you encouragement and support!

wicked

I believe you have read the situation correctly and that you are acutely aware of a problem.
You have my respect for being able to discuss this at all, the elephant in my living room was never mentioned. Never. My father was drunk nearly his entire life. He scared me, and my mother was scared of him.

I am also a recovering alcoholic with children. I have used this excuse so many times and heard it from my ex so many times, it has become a joke (in a sad, sick way).

Please do not not doubt your gut anymore. I learned to shut down my instincts because I was told what I was seeing and feeling was not true. You can feel what is true.

It will take time to work on you, to let go of the guilt and over-responsibility of being the child of alcoholics.

I am glad you are here.

Beth

LifeRecovery

I did not grow up with parents that struggle with alcohol. I think both of my parents did though, and a lot of the chaos and confusion still was passed along. I was pretty shocked when I read books designed for children of alcoholics that I could relate to so many of the things written, though I had not grown up with it in my home.

Where I am going with this is that I still struggle with "trusting" myself. If someone tells me the sky is not blue but green I have try and reorganize myself own beliefs so that no one feels bad, and I may begin questioning what color the sky really is.

Books written by Claudia Black have helped me with this. She writes about the impact of alcohol and addictions on families. Al-anon meetings have also really opened this up for me though I started going because of a spouse with drinking concerns.

Learning to take care of myself and starting to trust myself again has been the best thing I have gained from all of this. I hope you find the same thing.

choublak

"The issue is that they are not what people would consider the stereotypical alcoholics."

There are a lot more of these out there than you may think.

happynomad

This all sounds very familiar to me. I've been wondering the same thing about my parents. I'm in my early 30s and just now realizing that the way my parents drink every night isn't normal. They always took care of us, went to work, cleaned the house, participated in our lives, and were there for us. The only thing that was off was the amount they drank every evening. They both came from families that revolved around alcohol as well. My grandfather was married with many children and died on the streets an alcoholic. My biggest concern for my parents is their health as well. I think after 20+ years of daily heavy drinking that it's going to hit them soon. I'm not sure how to approach my parents about it anymore. They get very defensive and angry. They bring up anything from my past they can use to manipulate my feelings. I don't really have any advice I can give to help, but just know you're not alone in this. I think there are alot of functional alcoholics out there with families like us that don't know how to show them their lifestyles are killing them.

caughtup

Again this is so true of many families. The drinking the doubt that is created the way the alcoholic tries to make you feel as though you are crazy and making things up. My AH is sk functional. He insists there is no problem and he sees his drinking as normal even though he drinks abottle of snaps plus wine each day. He works does what needs to be done around the house. His father died from drinking his body shut down. I know this will happen and has probably already begun to my AH. So keep posting and reading ... no guilt you did nothing wrong

TakingCharge999

Hi alaska, you can't control what anyone else says, does or thinks ... I am sorry you are going through this...

Who is your support in real life? have you checked out Alanon meetings/therapy?