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dark thoughts

Old 11-20-2011, 07:43 AM
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dark thoughts

I married my AH because he was the most erudite, kind, and interesting person I've ever met.

I talked with him today and found that he's doing much worse. Shouldn't have seen him. His ex-partner (before me) is sending him money to live on, I think his brother too. He basically sits in his own filth all day watching porn. He drinks constantly but is careful to drink beer and wine so he doesn't get too sick. ('Cause that would be gross, I guess.)

Most of the time he sits in his study, but each night he goes down to the local pub for some beer, I guess to get a change of scenery. It's incredible that he can walk that far. And isn't that great--each and every night the pub is serving unlimited beer to a 62-year-old man who smells like a toilet and who can barely stand upright. The owner is probably sending all his kids to college off my husband's tab.

When I saw him today, he whined something about being "ashamed" and I laughed, then got myself away from him quickly, because what was on the tip of my tongue to say was: "If you had any concept of shame, you'd have killed yourself long ago."

I don't know what my point is here. My point is that there's no point. He wants to live as a swine and the world is happy to support him in it.
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:33 AM
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Oh, that sucks to watch, huh?! So sad...

I don't think the world is happy to support him - I don't think the world knows what else to do. We all have rights as human beings, and my experiences so far is as long as those rights don't infringe on someone else's rights (legally speaking), we are free to self destruct in whatever way we choose.

We are in a deep freeze in my state - record low temps - and it is a scramble to try to offer the homeless (the majority of which have some kind of behavioral disorder) a warm place to be right now so they don't freeze to death. So in my neck of the woods, the community is trying to do something but there isn't much that can be done without consent, ya know?
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Old 11-20-2011, 09:31 AM
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Gosh that is hard to read never mind live. Its a terrible existence.
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Old 11-20-2011, 11:21 AM
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Peace to you my friend.............

In the days ahead my wish for you is for you to let go of those who bring you down, surround yourself with those who bring out the best of You.
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Old 11-20-2011, 01:22 PM
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Thanks for the nice replies.
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Old 11-20-2011, 02:07 PM
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I pissed my XAH off for not loaning him money- so he doesn't communicate which is a blessing I guess for me. I told him I would not finance his slow suicide. I pray for him from a distance.
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:09 PM
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I'm not sure why you are angry with the Pub for serving him, they are in the business to make money. They most likely know he is an alcoholic & are happy to take his money. I assume he is not driving & staggering home I hope. Alcoholics will spend thousands on booze yet will not have enough money for food, clothes, the family ect...
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Old 11-20-2011, 11:22 PM
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Aw, Akrasia. It's gotten worse for him, eh? I wonder, though, and please tell me: how are you? You and I joined here at almost the same times last year, and I think of your story often.
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Old 11-21-2011, 07:42 AM
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Thanks, I'm doing okay. I got an agent for my novel, and at work we might be getting a big juicy grant to work with female refugees--we find out next week. Hope you're doing okay. Thanks for the positive thoughts everyone. Things seem so dark and hateful.
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Old 11-21-2011, 08:40 AM
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Today, with the help of my recovery program - I have learned to surround myself with loving, healthy people. I know that I have choices that I can make to help protect myself from "dark, unhealthy" people. Yes, they may be my family, spouse, etc - but that does not me I have to sit and volunteer for the toxic waste.

I can't recall - do you go to Al-anon?
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:10 AM
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I was thinking today that the reason I can't let it go it is that I STILL LOVE HIM and I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM. I see the man he is/was/is/was way way down at the bottom of all that booze.

If I didn't care, it'd be easy to shrug it all off. Heigh ho.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
I was thinking today that the reason I can't let it go it is that I STILL LOVE HIM and I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM. I see the man he is/was/is/was way way down at the bottom of all that booze.

If I didn't care, it'd be easy to shrug it all off. Heigh ho.
people change. he's not the person you met and never will be. The booze has changed him forever. Even if he quits, he will be another person, not the one you first met.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
...the reason I can't let it go it is that I STILL LOVE HIM and I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM. I see the man he is/was/is/was way way down at the bottom of all that booze.
I know the feeling here, very well. I had to get to the point where I realized that these people REALLY were holding me down, drowning me in their sickness, just by witnessing how they live their lives (not to mention the deeper involvement).

There are just some things, and some people, now, that I have to turn my head away from because associating with them puts me right back in that hole. I am responsible for me and a huge part of that responsibility is knowing what is not good for me and actively working to avoid those things (and choosing the healthier alternative). (((hugs)))
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Old 11-21-2011, 04:07 PM
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I could have written something similar-you said it so well, conveyed my exact feelings. I think about posting, & then think "what's the point"-it's not going to change anything-i know what needs to be done in my case. But it does help that you posted, you wrote out something i wished i could have said as well as you did.

I find myself wondering about the people who serve alcohol to obvious alcoholics, the people that blatantly enable them, the POLICE who i have called so many times that did NOTHING when my husband was drunk on the road-he hasn't harmed anyone yet-but if/when he does, then the whole world will care...nothing is anything till it's on the News (that's how i feel sometimes)
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