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Dreaded Holidays....

Old 11-19-2011, 04:39 PM
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Dreaded Holidays....

First family function down.... divorced... so sad. Why am I so sad? Not missing him, hating him for not being the man I wanted him to be. So sad the marriage failed. So mad he let me down. I just want to call him and tell him what a sorry POS he is! This is the first time I have cried since I made him leave. Now that evrything is final I feel terrible! I hate being so sad. I feel broken. My heart aches for what could have been or what I wanted it to be.

All the lies, deceit, and disregard for my feelings - why am I sad? All the nights I cleaned up puke and ****, picking up hidden bottles, feeling sorry for him.... Why am I so sad now??

Seeing my pregnant cousins, tears me a part. Happy for them, so sad for me. It should be me! Praying for strength, understanding and healing!

Venting, sorry... Pity Party for myself! I am stronger than this! Ughhhh!
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Old 11-19-2011, 04:56 PM
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It's okay and normal to feel this way. Yesterday my colleague came in with her 2 month old baby and was "my husband" this and "my husband" that and it did have a momentary effect of sticking a knife through my heart. A twinge of pure hot jealousy. It comes and goes...and I am waiting for the day it mostly goes.

Hang in there. Grief sucks.
~T
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Old 11-19-2011, 09:24 PM
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Just to tell you...ANY DIVORCE HURTS. OK?? that is normal. It is the death of something we believed in. You would be hurting, even if he never drank a drop in his life. And yes, holidays make it worse.
The drinking being part of it, is simply icing on the cake, because we know the harm it causes. Having a valid reason for ending the marriage, does not mean it is gonna be easy.
You WILL GET THROUGH. I don't know how long, or how...but I promise it will get easier.
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Old 11-19-2011, 11:01 PM
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Divorce does suck - especially that first set of holidays.

I had little kids when I was first divorced (still do, just not as little). For the first few years, my kids and I had our own little Thanksgiving and then....we went to the zoo.

Most people don't know that the zoo is open 365 days of the year. Most of the time it is crowded as heck. But on holidays it is wide open - its like you own the place if the weather is kind.

Also try going to the movies. I mean, not everybody celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? They have to be doing something on those days.
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:47 AM
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Holidays suck. Wake me up in January!
It will get better... seek "wellness moments" for YOU...
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Old 11-20-2011, 03:47 AM
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Ugh. I'm so sorry. I recommend finding a project: paint your living room, or train for a run, or whatever, just to keep yourself busy.
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
Ugh. I'm so sorry. I recommend finding a project: paint your living room, or train for a run, or whatever, just to keep yourself busy.
This works very well for me, thanks akrasia for posting. I have to laugh about the painting part...I am running out of rooms to paint in my house! Actually found myself getting pushy with a friend of mine to come over and paint HER house!
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by BenRadBel View Post
First family function down.... divorced... so sad. Why am I so sad? Not missing him, hating him for not being the man I wanted him to be. So sad the marriage failed. So mad he let me down. I just want to call him and tell him what a sorry POS he is! This is the first time I have cried since I made him leave. Now that evrything is final I feel terrible! I hate being so sad. I feel broken. My heart aches for what could have been or what I wanted it to be.

All the lies, deceit, and disregard for my feelings - why am I sad? All the nights I cleaned up puke and ****, picking up hidden bottles, feeling sorry for him.... Why am I so sad now??

Seeing my pregnant cousins, tears me a part. Happy for them, so sad for me. It should be me! Praying for strength, understanding and healing!

Venting, sorry... Pity Party for myself! I am stronger than this! Ughhhh!
You're allowed.
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
This works very well for me, thanks akrasia for posting. I have to laugh about the painting part...I am running out of rooms to paint in my house! Actually found myself getting pushy with a friend of mine to come over and paint HER house!
I hate to paint. My daughter painted my place when I moved in, but she never got to do my bedroom and now she's at school in China. Wanna come over? I'll buy pizza!
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:29 PM
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Ya know what else has worked for me? A totally self-indulgent day including a few new trashy novels, a hot bubble bath, home facial, coloring my hair, pedicure and some wonderful Chinese food! If the folks in "A Christmas Story" can go out for Chinese, then so can I!

The trick is to get purposefully busy. Not just aimlessly busy, but busy with a goal in mind. Pamper yourself - do some of those things that that you felt you couldn't find time for because you were around an alkie/addict. Spoil yourself rotten!
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
Divorce does suck - especially that first set of holidays.

I had little kids when I was first divorced (still do, just not as little). For the first few years, my kids and I had our own little Thanksgiving and then....we went to the zoo.

Most people don't know that the zoo is open 365 days of the year. Most of the time it is crowded as heck. But on holidays it is wide open - its like you own the place if the weather is kind.

Also try going to the movies. I mean, not everybody celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? They have to be doing something on those days.
They do! As a matter of fact, going to the movies might be tough--a Jewish guy in the office was joking with a Hindu guy about how all the Hindus moving in to our area are crowding the Jews out on Christmas at the movie theaters and Chinese restaurants!
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
They do! As a matter of fact, going to the movies might be tough--a Jewish guy in the office was joking with a Hindu guy about how all the Hindus moving in to our area are crowding the Jews out on Christmas at the movie theaters and Chinese restaurants!

Ah, but sometimes when you buy tickets online they reserve the seat for you! Where I live they have a theatre where instead of regular seating, you sit at round tables and order food just like in a restaurant and then watch the movie while you get real food. What a treat! Expensive but worth the splurge sometimes!

And don't forget - many Al-Anon folks are at loose ends on the holidays - sometimes they throw together a Thanksgiving activity so you can spend your holidays with sane people for a change. Ask!
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Old 11-20-2011, 02:08 PM
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Thanks guys!

I do feel better today, just woke up and made my butt get out of bed and get busy! It's a nasty, rainy day here in KY, but football is on and I am happy! I guess it was just the first time I let it out how disappointed I really am. I do however miss not having my stepdaughter around for the holidays.... But I will survive! Just a minor set back, pushing forward now! The Cowboys won in overtime, so that put a smile on my face and a chance to yell and celebrate!!

I thought my roller coaster was coming to a halt when I got my XAH out.... funny how it started up again!
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Old 11-20-2011, 02:31 PM
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CeCe Winans has a song that helped me when I was going through my seperation/divorce from my XAH- she said- "take your time- 'cause time is what it's gonna take and one morning you'll awake and there'll be one less tear- and you'll heal- I know you will."
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Old 11-20-2011, 06:05 PM
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen helps because it offers a completely different perspective.
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Old 11-20-2011, 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
Ya know what else has worked for me? A totally self-indulgent day including a few new trashy novels, a hot bubble bath, home facial, coloring my hair, pedicure and some wonderful Chinese food! If the folks in "A Christmas Story" can go out for Chinese, then so can I!

The trick is to get purposefully busy. Not just aimlessly busy, but busy with a goal in mind. Pamper yourself - do some of those things that that you felt you couldn't find time for because you were around an alkie/addict. Spoil yourself rotten!
I am going to have a totally self-indulgent Christmas this year. No ABF (now EXABF) around, drunk, disorderly and apologetic, just me and the pup-in our jammies, watching every Christmas movie/special ever made, cooking a lovely prime rib dinner, it is all about me on December 25th. My family lives back East and things are just as low key there as well.

I have had several well-meaning friends feeling sorry for me, and try to invite me for the day, but I told them that while I may be by myself, I certainly won't be alone, as long as there is the phone (to talk to family), my webcam (again, for family) and my wonderful friends here @ SR.

I would rather spend a day like this, by myself and not have to contend with the crap that I went through the last few Christmases.........
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Old 11-21-2011, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
I am going to have a totally self-indulgent Christmas this year. No ABF (now EXABF) around, drunk, disorderly and apologetic, just me and the pup-in our jammies, watching every Christmas movie/special ever made, cooking a lovely prime rib dinner...
And I am SURE that pup won't be getting a single bite of prime rib, right?
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Old 11-21-2011, 06:44 AM
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This will be the first year of our "separate" holidays... and I was dreading them. Dreading the tug of war over who gets the kids - when/where - juggling both sides celebrations, etc. I found out my parents were going to be on a cruise for Thanksgiving... and I was relieved. One less family event to coordinate. My AH will have the kids all day Thanksgiving... and I will be celebrating the day by going to church, to an Al-anon meeting, and volunteering at our local soup kitchen.

Getting out and being around "healthy-minded" people is my DREAM holiday!! And nothing better than helping the less fortunate to brew up a good dose of GRATITUDE!!!

Yes, divorce sucks - and I HATE what has happened to our family - but I refuse to let it bog me down.

TWYLALTR!
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Old 11-21-2011, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel View Post
And I am SURE that pup won't be getting a single bite of prime rib, right?

Of course not.......when pigs fly!!!!

It's going to be a "Mummy/Puppy day for both of us
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:16 PM
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This is my first Thanksgiving separated from the husband. My sons, 18 and 22 have decided to go with their Dad to an aunt's house where they will get to hang out with family. I'm dealing with that by taking the younger son up to where the older one goes to college on Weds. We will go out for Italian food and are planning to go bowling or a movie. I will spend the night and the dad will pick them up in the AM.

On Thurs I will drive home and plan to attend an Alcothon, an all day event by AA and Al Anon with food, speakers and meetings all day long. I had several friends who invited me to their homes but thought this sounded better. Something completely different.
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