tryintosmile

I guess this is along the same lines as 'detaching with love'. Not so sure I can do it. I believe that while some people are able to go to Al-anon, get counseling and start their own recovery while the A is still actively drinking, others may have difficulty. I realize that while I've attempted all of those things in some measure (2 years in counseling) I'm still struggling - I just can't get it.

I know that we need to work on ourselves, regardless, but I feel that I need to see him at least make a step, before I can carry out my own work. I expect I'll get jumped on for that statement, and I don't want to feel that way. I just do. I guess there are no excuses and I'm not supposed to say but but it doesn't work for me and I DO try. Maybe not hard enough, maybe not long enough or maybe not consistently. I'm blocked.

We were talking tonight. Him - drunk as usual. I was talking to him about recovery and how he'd have a lot more support than he believes right now, once he takes that first step.

Deep down he knows that he'd like nothing more than to be healthy, but the fear of it is SO scary. I get that. No crutch. No getting around it - there are going to be some rough patches.

Anyway - all of a sudden, he looked at me, focused and clear, and said - 'If I get rid of this (pointing to the alcohol) I'll be getting rid of you too - you'll be out the door'. Did this surprise me? Absolutely NOT. I said to him 'Really, well that's why we should end this relationship right now - why would I wait for that...'? I could see him getting scared and as quick as he blurted that out, he retracted it and then for the rest of the night he kept saying 'I'll never leave you - I didn't mean that', but it showed just how much he associates me with the alcohol. Seems we've become a 'package deal'. To him, quitting alcohol means quitting me - and he wants to do neither.

I started thinking of how unfair it seems that we take all this crap from the A - ALL OF THAT TIME, the audacity they could have to actually turn around and dump US when they got healthy? Hardly seems fair, but actually seems pretty realistic at the same time.

I guess while many people have started their own recovery and left the A, many others have stuck it out and either been disappointed because it wasn't what they'd expected, or that the A has actually left them behind with the alcohol. Seems like it's doomed from the start - no matter how you slice it. That reality is pretty depressing when you think of how much time you've 'wasted'.

Why do so many of us become so enmeshed that we can't see the EXIT SIGN - when it's lit up - right in front of us?

Wish it were as easy to see as it is to write about ...

LaTeeDa

I think I understand, at least partially, what you are feeling. It's not easy to explain, but I will try.

Somewhere along the way, I adopted a belief that there are rewards for sacrifice, pain, and suffering. That if I just stick it out long enough, it will be worth it in the end. It was mostly something that was ingrained in me by my family, but I think society had something to do with it, too. It is a lie. It is a false belief that keeps us "trying" with the idea that somehow, someday, it will all be worth it. To be honest, where that belief came from is of less importance than why I believed it.

As it turns out, there were many beliefs I held to be the truth that were not. It's quite uncomfortable and difficult to bring all that stuff out and shine the light of reality on it to determine if it's really true for me, or just something I was hanging on to because I had always believed it.

My grandmother died a bitter, unhappy, resentful woman. She kept hanging in there waiting for her reward. It never came.

L

boomerlady

I'm with you on not seeing the Exit sign when it's lit up on front of me! I like that. I've been in al-anon for about 4 1/2 years, and I'm still living with an AH of more than 30 yrs. I'm in limbo right now and trying to decide to stay or leave. I also want him to take a step...a baby step toward recovery, but he won't. We went to counseling together 3 times and he told me there that he would stop drinking for me...LOL. Well you can probably guess how long that lasted. I asked myself pretty much everyday why I stay and some days can't answer that question. Since joining al-anon, I've tried hard to find someone married to an A who is actively drinking and happy. I've found spouses who are at peace with themselves but not necessarily happy about their decision to stay. I've found others who appear to be miserable in the marriage and waiting for the person to die. It's sad but it's hard to find a success story for those that stayed with the active alcoholic. Are there any success stories for those that stayed with active alcoholism?

Tuffgirl

I was here a while back. Feeling like no matter how hard I tried, I just "couldn't get it". Well, after some contemplation and talking with others, I came to the conclusion that I could, in fact, get it. The truth was I didn't want it. And that's perfectly okay too.

If you can't, you can't. I couldn't. Still can't. It is what it is.

PS - Stop trying to have a meaningful conversation with someone who is intoxicated! That's a good first step to detaching.

choublak

There comes a certain point where the environment is so bad, it doesn't matter how much you work on yourself. Victims of domestic violence may have visible scars, lots of us don't see the exit sign.