My heart is breaking

Old 11-18-2011, 05:48 PM
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My heart is breaking

Four months ago I asked my husband to move out and get sober. I told him he had to be sober for six months before we could work on our marriage.
I just couldn't take it anymore. He would come home everyday after work and go straight to the freezer to get ice for his whiskey. There was no "how was your day", "glad to see you", etc... Just straight for the whiskey. He would then go and talk on the phone for hours to anybody he could get on the phone or play online poker for hours. Eat about 10 or 11 oclock and then go to bed. If there was a day he wasn't drinking he was smoking weed and getting as high as he possible could.
When chores needing doing he would grump and complain about it like it was the worst thing ever. I got him to go for a walk once or twice in the past two years, but he grumped and complained about that so much I quit asking.
On the weekends he would drag me halfway around the state so we could go bbq-ing with friends and family, but it was always a drunkfest for him. If we did stay home then we had to invite people over and have bbq/football drunk-fest at my house. (yay me!)
Or if on the rare occasion we didn't go anywhere or had anyone over he would stay up until five or six oclock in the morning drinking and smoking weed until he was in a stupor. He was doing all this before we got married but after the wedding it got WAY worse then I could have imagined.
Sometimes we went out with friends for social events and I had to endure his embarrassing drunken behavior. Sometimes I was just so mortified! I remember we went to a fairly classy event where only beer and wine were served and I couldn't figure out how he was so sloppy drunk so fast...... mystery solved! He had brought his flask filled with whiskey. He ended up passing out on the table that night. (such fun for me!)

He wasn't violent, but was becoming verbally abusive and very short tempered.

When we seperated he accused me of having a boyfriend (of course). He still to this day thinks I cheated or am still cheating on him.

I started going to Al-anon after the seperation and he went to AA after he realized that I was serious. Al-anon helped a lot: I learned about the three C's, and how to focus on my self. He quit going to AA after a month because it was a long/dark drive (he's night blind) and now that it is deer season he's afraid a deer will jump in front of him and he'll wreck his car.
From that point on he would rarely take my phone calls on night or weekends. I suspected he was drinking again, which he denied.
His boss recently laid off half the company and cut his hours to three days a week. So he started looking for a new job. Well, Wednesday he told me he had a new job four hours away from here and that we would be better off apart, so we should get a divorce.

MY HEART IS BREAKING. I have barely eaten the past three days and all I can do is cry.
I feel like I am being abandoned and he just points out that I was the one who asked him to leave. And he is the one that has had to live in a motel these past four months.

I knew that it was a possibility that divorce would happen but I really don't think I can live with this..... and I can't live with him without knowing he has a good program and six months sobriety from all alcohol and drugs.
But I still want to go running after him crying "please love me! I'll do anything, but don't leave me!"
He has rented an apartment down there and is coming to get his stuff tomorrow.
I don't know if I can keep from falling on the floor and sobbing when he goes to leave....
OH GOD IT HURTS SO BAD!!! PLEASE DON'T LET HIM LEAVE ME!
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:09 PM
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Ten years ago, my ex wife decided that she was leaving and it broke my heart too.

All I can say is that I will pray for you and your family. I think that this is a moment for your HP to take this up and help you through. When it just doesn't make any sense whatsoever, I find the only way I can get along is to allow my HP to just take it for me.

Fraggy 25 days
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:48 PM
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This is a time when I think you can try to practice something new. If you're like me, you've too often allowed your heart to rule your actions and then you regret it later. Try to just feeling these feelings, ride them out, and use your head instead. Your brain knows you're better off moving on as opposed to enduring this drama for x number years more. Your heart is reacting from base fear, childhood stuff, and all kinds of crazy, emotional motivations.

I assume from your all-caps that you're feeling out of emotional control. Maybe instead of letting that craziness guide your actions, try to control them and do what's best.

I know, I know - easier said than done, but consider that no one can be in charge of your feelings but you. If you don't try to control them, no one can. And they will just run around like wild horses, trampling and being crazy. Reign in those same horses and use that power to travel or plow, and then you've got something good going on.

Edit: If you let him go, let's say you cry and cry and cry, and feel lonely and terrible, and maybe want to puke, you'll get past that and go on with your life as a free woman. If you get back with him, that won't pass. Not as easily anyhow.

Last edited by WendyOWilliams; 11-18-2011 at 07:52 PM. Reason: addition
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Old 11-18-2011, 11:57 PM
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I just wanted to add that i am thinking of you & praying for you. I know the feelings you speak of. At one point i thought i was going to go insane without him around. I got through it-it took work & time. I'm still not where i want to be-but much better than i used to be. You have to keep busy in your life with whatever you have going on, & then some. You are worth it <3
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Old 11-19-2011, 01:05 AM
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Got a quarter to bet on this deal?? (Saying this rolling my eye's)

Im so so sorry!! (Saying this with a very sad voice & a crackling pain in my heart for you)

This is one of those stories, that I can say...Dejavu.
Sounds like I wrote this post myself.

Yes, your gonna fall to peices. Yes, your gonna stop eating, Yes, your gonna think you cant go on, Yes, your heart is broken...

BUT....BUT and MORE BUT'S.......

You need to find a ALANON group, sit down with other people face to face. Attend them as much as you can. It will be a huge life saver to you! I dont have all of the word's to
explain, how the classes can help change you. But it sure can enlighten you, educate
you, that your not alone and his behavior is what alcoholics tend to do..Just like
my husband did to me. Except he moved a couple of thousand miles away!!

Do I believe his story about night vision & deer? Yes and No
I have the same problem, but if I couldnt drive, there was always someone who
would come pick me up. Do I struggle driving to night classes? Yes, but I look at it
like a do or die situation. And he "should" too....They come up with any and every excuse not to go to class. Moving, is one of them. They no longer have to be
accountable for his drinking. He doesnt have to worry about anyone catching him drink
in a new town.....Mine thought: If he moved, he was no longer an alcoholic...
Wrong Freaking answer pal: He will always be an alcoholic, no matter where you live..
That is his problem...Not yours..Seem's cold, but that is the facts & that is how alot
of alcoholics roll....

YOU NEED TO SLEEP, EAT, DRINK WATER...Things will be a absolute mess for a couple
of days, I wont lie. But it's time you pick up the peices and start to take care of you!!

Most married people talk about things like this, like moving or changing jobs.
Alcoholics, think about them and them only. Now, if he was staying sober, this
story would more than likely be something different. But I will throw down my quarter
and put a bet on it...That's just what I have learned....

Think about your list: Yelling, verbal abusive, embrassment, drunk, short temper
Why do you want to live like that??? Be honest with yourself...

To me it sound's like you need to LET GO & LET GOD!!! Let God take care of him!!!
And LET GOD TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!
It is hard to let go, I hung on for month's, wearing myself out past exhaustion.
Finally the light came on....I cant make him sober! Only he can do that....

Well, it's almost been a year now. I live here and he lives there (2,000 miles away)
ME: I go to Alanon faithfully and I have trust God, that he will turn my life around.
I fight & work hard, I pray harder. I swim fast somedays and somedays I just chill.
But all in all, I know who I am. Learning why I put up with anyone to treat me the way
he did and his embrassing moments, shame, denial, has made me a stronger, happier person than I thought I could have ever become...I no longer have to deal with all of that ******** in my life. I do not miss it. Yes, I do have days where I miss him (the man I once married) but DO NOT miss the alcoholic side to him..

HIM: He works, eat little, drinks alot. He has lost his family,home, business. But he
is content drinking his fifth of whiskey a day...

(1) Let him go, hope that he find's recovery
(2) You find a Alanon Class right away, so you can recover from this pain
(3) Keep on posting on this site. You will learn, that your not alone
(4) Pray that God will hold your heart and hand and walk you thru this
(5) Eat, Sleep and drink lot's of water
(6) There are a few more steps, but it get's overwhelming. I know it did for me.
(7) Work harder, dance faster, find happy people to be around you
(8) Educate yourself about alcoholism, read, read, read
(9) Repeat......

Dang Girl, I wish you the best, My heart aches for you, it really does!
Mine has almost been a year, and I still have stairs to climb and mountains
to move. But I do trust in God, that I only take ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-19-2011, 03:10 AM
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So, so sorry you're going through this.
I guess there is no sugarcoating it so here it goes: I agree with others, you will probably break to pieces, but more importantly at one point, sooner or later, you'll start putting yourself back together. You will never be the same again, but I guarantee you'll be better, as you'll be survivor.
I know it doesn't feel that way at all at this point, but it is true: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It will not kill you. It will feel like it is killing you, but it won't, as we all have that survival instict deep inside, and once it kicks in it is stronger than anything.

From my experience: I was falling to pieces for years, being miserable all the time living with my A ( our circumstances were a bit extreme with him having liver cirrhosis and nearly dieing from it, infidelities, stealing, you name it, all but physical abuse) but at one point when I truly felt I'll die from it all, when I felt I have no more room left to manuvre to excercice my pain and other overwhelming emotions, when I truly couldn't take it any more, there was no more rooms for anything, thinking, words, feeling, nothing, just that survival instict that made me do whatever I needed to do to get off that floor and stay alive.
So IMHO you'll feel the pain and agony for only as long as you can take it, not a minute less or more. It will be hard but once you get off that floor there will be no going back there.
You can help speed up this process, you can work on yourself, dig deep as you can and try to find answers to questions: what made you stay so far, why do you still love him, and most importantly why do you feel you can't live without him. All those answers are in you. You just have to find the way to figure them out (SR has helped me figure all those things).
All you have is you, and I know that sounds terrifying right now, but it will come the time you'll see that is the good thing, and there is a good chance one day you'll look back at all this and think it was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Hope at least some of this makes some sense to you.
HUGS
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Old 11-19-2011, 05:20 AM
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I join the chorus ...

He can't go to AA because he might hit a deer????

And what exactly are the statistical odds of that??? A million to one? Ten million to one?

His marriage is falling... correction... has failed and he is using the excuse that there is some stupid deer out there with his name on it waiting to jump out in front of him to stop him from going to AA???

And what exactly is the reason he can't go to a meeting in the morning or a noon meeting???

This is the man you want to shackle yourself to for the rest of your life? What if there is some real disaster like an earthquake, hurricane, asteroid strike or worse? It will be up to you to save yourself and him because that deer might be out there just lurking to get him!

Hope that thought makes you see how our own sickness makes us not see the absurdity of our own decision making about our A's!

Those horrible panicky feelings... the despair... heartbreak and tears... they are CHEMICALS! You have brain chemicals and hormones going wacky right now! Do not give in to them and stick to your rational and reasoning brain and eventually those chemicals will calm down and return to normal!

Promise!

Visualize. Visualize. Visualize. Draw pictures. ALL of the bad times. Do a storybook. All the embarrassing moments. The drunken rants. the raves. Draw that DEER! Give it angry eyes with mean look. Give it a bottle of booze in a saddle pack or hanging around its neck!

Do NOT dwell on those few moments of happiness. They are off limits right now!

Go to Alanon.


Draw a target. Put it on the wall. Draw that stupid deer and put in the middle. Throw balled up pieces of paper at it! Remember the craziness and that the best thing you can do for your A is let him go and FIND HIS PATH!

If he recovers the path may lead back to you someday... but honestly most don't WANT to recover! It is not in your hands and that should bring peace not anxiety!

Good luck and prayers your way.
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Old 11-19-2011, 06:23 AM
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JayJay, I am sorry.

I do not want to welcome you to this club, as it is a club none of us ever wanted to join. Membership in this club sucks!

You are not alone here.
You are among friends/extended family that understand the pain and agony of this situation.
You are among survivors.

We will be here with you throughout this process.
It is a grieving process and all the emotions (anger, denial, bargaining, depression) are healthy responses to this crisis.
Feel them, identify them, and express them in healthy ways that do not harm yourself or others.
Allow them to pass through you. And I promise - they will pass!

You are going to be okay!

Sending ((((hugs))))) and support
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:16 AM
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Ditto to everyone above. You deserve so much better than this. Hang in there, friend.
~T
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Old 11-19-2011, 05:11 PM
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Thanks Everyone

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your responses.

I got through the day with him here packing his stuff. It sucked so bad!

We were both were in tears and crying. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. It was the hardest thing I had to do to not smuggle myself in his car.

He says: he is going to find a new AA group, join a gym, find "healthy things" to do, in place of drinking. He said he is not filing for divorce (yet). He just wishes he understood why he craves it (alcohol) so much.

I told him in no way could I ever live with an active addict ever again.
He apologized for all he's done and said that he had a lot of growing up to do.

Tonight after he left I finally took the third step. I felt myself make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I am not demanding an answer from God anymore, whereas before I was always demanding from Him: Will he stop? Will he get better? Will he relapse? Will we divorce? When will this happen?
Now, I know that it is in the care of God and He will let me know which way He wants it to turn out.
I gave my husband to the care of God and he will either fix him or take him away from me and I have to be ready which ever way it goes.

This still sucks!
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Old 11-19-2011, 05:34 PM
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JayJay,
I read your post with tears still streaming down my face. One year ago I was where you are. My A was 2 weeks out of his second stint in rehab and was drunk again. But by then I had a sponsor and was working on the steps and setting some boundaries. The rest pretty much sounds like looking in a mirror. Those first weeks, I prayed every night to God to just, "help me find my faith." It has not been easy, but I have found my faith and every time I let go, I'm not sorry in the end. My divorce was final on Monday (28 years). Right now I'm just so sad. But I'm better than I was a year ago. There is a little hope. It's not the way I wanted this to go. But I've learned that it's just not up to me and God's plan is always better than mine. Pray, sleep, eat, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Old 11-19-2011, 06:49 PM
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YOU WROTE: We were both were in tears and crying. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. It was the hardest thing I had to do to not smuggle myself in his car.

He says: he is going to find a new AA group, join a gym, find "healthy things" to do, in place of drinking. He said he is not filing for divorce (yet). He just wishes he understood why he craves it (alcohol) so much.

I told him in no way could I ever live with an active addict ever again.
He apologized for all he's done and said that he had a lot of growing up to do.

I WROTE: dang...that is almost the exact words, actions, feelings, that we went thru
And I mean exact. I can still vision myself in fetal position crying on the bed.

WHAT MY XAH MEANT: He was not ready to get sober!! He could your husbands twin
brother, thats for sure....He said the exact words to me too!!!

Go back and read everyones replies, read them until you cant read them no more!
The faster you understand what alcoholism is: The faster you can begin to LIVE!!!

Wish I could reach out and hug you!!!!!
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Old 11-19-2011, 07:06 PM
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BobbyJ, thanks for your reply. It looks like I have drank the kool-aid again, huh?

I know the chances of it working aren't great.
But I'm going to work my program and whatever the outcome, I'll be fine (eventually!)
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Old 11-19-2011, 07:46 PM
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Well, all I know is that I wanted to believe, I wanted to trust, I wanted life
to be normal, I wanted to love and I wanted him to be sober....

Dont think none of us are much different in that aspect when it all begins.

But once you get all of your tears poured out, some sleep, some food
and a couple of weeks of a recovery program under your belt...

The chances of you drinking the kool-aid again, is highly unlikeable..
You will get stronger, healthier and wiser!!!

Your not a mouse, so stop chasing the cheese!!!

Your a bright beautiful person, move on...Look at it like it's finally your chance
to live life, without having to babysit his dumb ass. Find someone new
that compliments you, instead of someone dragging you down...If you want to
be a babysitter, go apply for a job at a day care. Where little babies love you and
only drink milk!!!!

Get my point!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
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Old 11-20-2011, 05:29 AM
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Omg !

I am going thru the same thing JayJay -my AH is moving out.
We've also had the same conversations and I've had the same thoughts, hopes, panic and despair that you've had.
My view on it all is - I have had enough of the madness that goes with alcoholism. We have 2 boys and I want a better life for us..and that is the bottom line.
AH is trying to convince me he is determined to stay on the straight and narrow - he's been to rehab twice - the 2nd time being this June and was drinking again 6 weeks after he came out. I am not convinced he can recover - for the first time in my life I am making decisions with my head NOT my heart. Its hard but if we are going to make it beter we have to make hard choices.

BobbyJ - I really needed to hear what you posted today, so Thank you !! It has helped a lot and made things really sink in.

M.
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Old 11-20-2011, 02:54 PM
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I was where you are 5 years ago. He never found recovery. We have been divorced 4 years. I am fine. Alanon has really helped. Remember the holidays will have you really emotional too. It is a good sign he realizes he has a problem. If he goes to meetings and works a program who knows ? You sound pretty healthy to me. Stick to Alanon.
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Old 11-20-2011, 03:04 PM
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BobbyJ, thanks for your reply. It looks like I have drank the kool-aid again, huh?
JayJay,

If you can keep your sense of humor about this (I had too, or go crazy, my sense of humor can be a little uh...wicked?)
I am a codependent and in recovery, so if you can stay away from the kool-aid, and your addict, you will see clearly.

Beth

Last edited by wicked; 11-20-2011 at 03:04 PM. Reason: addresing jayjay
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