JT

Good Morning,

I am in a really nice place right now. I am decisive about the Beav and comfortable with his...what do I call it? His choice? I expect this to be this first Christmas since he was small that I will not be consumed with guilt. Ward and I are moving along side by side in agreement for the first time EVER regarding the Beav. We actually met in the middle...sweet. Some horrific experiences are just far enough behind us that we can allow ourselves to enjoy our lives and the holidays.

Soooo why do I feel this urge to "create a crisis" in anonese? Is calm so uncomfortable, so foreign, that I have to shake things up? I am starting to think this might be my biggest challenge ever!

Does anyone relate??
JT

12 Step Girl

Yes, JT, I relate!!

This is the disease whispering in your ear "come on...time to find some misery, chaos and fear".

It is very typical when we find totaly serenity and acceptance to feel that uncompfy feeling. We are so used to choas and rollercoaster riding, that we feel the need to create it again.

Hold tight, keep telling yourself that you feel good your ALLOWED to feel good and you WILL feel good. Repeat over and over. By doing this, your telling your disease to shut up!!

Congrats and your growth,,,and enjoy it, you've earned it, Im sure!

Ann

Oh boy can I relate, JT.

I am in much the same place, even though I have reason to suspect that my son is clean LOL.

When he left the rehab last summer and moved in with the gf and baby, I think that I just gave up. I think you understand what I mean by that. After being in much the same place for so many years, even with recovery under my belt, something snapped, or maybe it was a "lightbulb moment", but I truly "expected" his pattern to continue, because historically it always had. We continue to talk on the phone about twice a week, brief conversations and rarely discussing hos recovery or addiction, and I too am in a peaceful place. Also, we moved in October and physically and geographically I am in a better place and don't want to lose my "peace".

I am going to visit him later this week, Wednesday if weather permits, and meet the gf and baby for the first time. I haven't seen him since mid summer, and have avoided this visit until I could make sure my recovery was firmly in place, and I plan to stay a few hours and then come home. Like you, I know that I could allow a crisis to take place, even in my mind, if I let it. So I won't be letting anything throw me off balance for more than a passing moment if it happens.

As I said, by his actions I beleive he is clean and working his program, but seeing him will probably confirm or deny that belief and I know I need to prepare myself for either option.

We are in unfamiliar waters here. We know how to live in crisis, we are used to adrenaline pumping on a regular basis, and we are not yet accustomed to the peace that comes with acceptance of their circumstance and the happiness that our own lives are bringing us.

I think we need to work as hard at maintaining our peace as we did to get here in the first place. Like an alcoholic or addict still has the addiction even when they are clean, we codies are still codies and need to maintain our recovery or we will surely lose it.

Hugs to you JT. We have walked together for a long time and I know that it was your support as well as the support of everyone in this program that has brought me to the peace I have found today, one day at a time.

Hugs and Love
Ann

JT

What a nice post Ann..and thanks 12 step,

Seeing him...you are right. You will know when you see him and you have to be prepared either way.

So here is where my codie self can do harm...this is where I can become self destructive. I am where I have worked so hard to be...

Lord put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!!

JT

Cecilia

Yes I can totally relate.
Its been quiet around here too. And strange as it may seem I think I kinda miss people pickin on me.

I think the badself was starting to enjoy putting them in their place. Its pretty sad when the high light of your day is putting nitwits in their place.

I gotta get a new hobby.

Patsyd1

Hi Just Tired,

And yes I can relate so well

When the silence is deafening, why not put it to good use? This is where Step 11 comes in, and we put the silence to the most positive use that we can. We simply get quiet, go within and spend some time with our Higher Power. Putting Step 11 into action can allow us to keep from mis-using this wonderful calm quiet time that has been given to us by our Higher Power to use with HIM and the answers will come. If we are unable to put this silence to good use through Step 11 at the moment, then restraint of pen and tongue and do not "react" are wonderful alternatives to help us from mis-using this silence and moving into crisis.

Yes, we are not the best at experiencing calm.... it feels so unfamiliar to us, and we don't know quite what to do with it, so we begin to produce movies running in on the inside of our heads that will ultimately create chaos on the outside IF we do not take the time to use this beautiful silence in a positive way.

Prayer is talking to our Higher Power and letting Him know where we are at on the inside and asking for help.
Step 11, is the quiet calm place that can be put to wonderful use to spend time with our Higher Power......opening a channel and just listening...... in that silence is the Power of hearing what we need to hear, healing with the answers that come from within, in that place that our Higher Power resides

God Bless you and the Wisdom to know the difference is a moment away in that quiet and calm assurance that, yes there is Power in that silence

Love,
Patsy

Ann

Patsy

What a beautiful message. I know this is JT's thread, but your words touched my heart.

If all else fails, JT, we can take up bungy jumping.

JT

Patsy,

Thank you! Does that mean I am at step 11??? What a kick! Where are my books? I know what I will be reading next tub time!

Thanks again Patsy!
JT

Patsyd1

(((((((((Ann))))))))))) thank you

And yeah, bungy jumping is good too! LOL

Love
Patsy

Patsyd1

((((((((((Just Tired))))))))))))

Well if you are having spurts of deafening silence, then yeah Step 11 is where you are at......... and when you get in that tub with those books.........don't forget to bring your "duckie" .... lol

Love to you Just Tired
Patsy

JT

Ewwwwwww!

Daffodil

Are you holding your breath?

Are you waiting for the other shoe to fall?

Are you checking to see if the phone is working?

Are you looking out the window till you have evnesion (sp) blind lines on your forhead?

Are you listening for a car to pull into your driveway?

OR IS THE SIENCE DEAFENING?

If the last one is where you are , YOU MY FREIND are in recovery...Only someone who is still in the chaos of the disease of "codieism" does the first 5 activities....

Go take a lovely bubble bath, get real quiet and listen for the love that comes through just for YOU....after a while you will realize you can be HAPPY, JOYOUS, AND FREE......free even to go bungee jumping.....

The victory is yours JT....you worked for it and earned it one day at a time...

Love and prayers, Aunt Daffy

JT

Bungee jumping is not in my repertoire...YET!!

But such awesome words! Thank-you....it means more than you could know!

Or does it,
JT