New here... needing some advice/support

Old 11-16-2011, 11:43 AM
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New here... needing some advice/support

Hi everyone. I was hoping for some straightforward answers about this, because I keep wavering about my decisions.

My dad (stepdad) is an alcoholic who went to recovery about fifteen years ago but relapsed quickly. My mom struggles with alcoholism and severe depression. My older brother (25) drinks and uses heroin, has been on methadone for brief periods, and has recently (or maybe not so recently) began hitting his girlfriend, with whom he has a 1 year-old son. My mom, dad, brother's girlfriend, and my nephew all live in the same house--my mom claims that she kicked my brother out for punching his girlfriend in front of the twins, but I don't believe her because she has a long history of kicking him out "for good" and then for some reason continues to let him come back and claims that he is not using/drinking anymore, even though he always is. My granndmother (ACoA) also lives a short distance away and takes care of my uncle (25- her son) who is an alcoholic and has had DUI's, several scrapes with the law, and becomes violent when drinking. All of the holiday dinners and events are still held at her house.

I married my husband at 19 and moved six hours from my family because my husband was in the military. I'm happy with where my life has led me and I have no personal struggles with addiction. I now have two sons (14 months and 2 months). Going home to visit my family has gotten more stressful since I left (the drinking is worse, the violence between my brother and the rest of the family is worse, and everyone keeps pretending it doesn't exist/lying to each other [mostly to me] about it). My relationship with my mom is bitter because I have visited less often, I stay with my in-laws when we come, and I've expressed my anger to her about the situation. I have considered cutting ties with the entire family, but I feel heartbroken at the thought of not seeing my brother and sister (the twins) anymore, whom I spent a lot of time caring for before I left.

Is cutting ties the right thing to do in this situation? My husband's family lives a mile away from mine, so visiting would make things very tense if my family found out.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:02 PM
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Welcome,

I really cannot tell you what to do, all I can do is share.

My mother is the main alcoholic in my life, I have been through h@ll and back trying to
deal with her. On two occasions I went total no contact with her, once for 4 years another for 10 years. I had to, for me, I could no longer tolerate the abuse and turmoil.

We have been on speaking terms for the last 6 years or so, she knows what my bouderies are and if she crosses them I will follow through, I say what I mean and mean
what I say.

Only you know what is best for you and your family, they need to be your priorty. Whether you visit your mother and the rest of the bunch, keep in mind that they will
continue to do what they want to do, regardless of your decisions.

Read all the stickies in the Family & Forums, it will help...and keep posting.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:48 PM
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May I assume the younger brother and your sister are twins? How old?

As for the rest, I cannot imagine what good would come out of contact at this juncture. Your kids don't need to be exposed to this stuff.

Cutting ties sounds so permanent. Why not just take it year to year? Maybe something will change and pigs will fly

Could you meet the twins somewhere for lunch and do something fun for all of you? And yeah, the rest will cluck-cluck about it. Does it really matter so long as you protect your children from chaos?
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Old 11-16-2011, 07:06 PM
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Thanks. I think this was helpful.

I'm sorry, I thought I mentioned that the twins are 7. Guess I forgot. Yes, they are technically my half-brother and half-sister, but I'm lucky enough to have spent my life living with all my siblings, so none of us think of it that way.

Year-to year does make more sense than a permanent decision. I guess I'm afraid I won't know where to draw the line unless I say never, but I want to learn. Sometimes my mom has a way of reassuring me that things are better when we have a long uncomfortable phone conversation about how I never visit anymore, and just in the last year I have learned to stop falling for it.

I'm sorry about your mother, dollydo. When I imagine doing the no-contact like you have, I know they'd all just think I'm being disloyal. They expect me to "come around" one day embrace the choas that I grew up with, so I guess the hardest part is that none of them would really understand. But I know that doesn't matter when it comes to protecting my kids and my life. I'm sorry you had to do that; having some established boundaries is something I look forward to. I'm tired of being expected to "come around."
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Old 11-17-2011, 10:50 AM
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Sending hugs, TallTrees. I met my half-sister when we were in our late twenties (so we were older than you are now ). She's still my sister, always was and always will be. When we met has nothing to do with the fact that we're Family. Sounds like the same feelings are there for you and your siblings.

Catspajamas here on SR has a saying in her signature that she's shared with several of us (sometimes several times): What other people think of me is really none of my business! It hurts when it's family, but it's no less true. And just because they're family, doesn't mean you have to justify your boundaries to them, or sit there and listen as they berate you for not visiting. A simple "I've stated before why we don't stay here and am not willing to discuss it further at this time," is all that is needed.

The twins are so young - the same age as my DS - and I imagine that not being right there for them is kinda rough. They can't get to you, but you could always swing by and pick them up for a weekend visit / dinner / outing.

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Old 11-17-2011, 04:58 PM
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I'm sorry about your mother, dollydo. When I imagine doing the no-contact like you have, I know they'd all just think I'm being disloyal. They expect me to "come around" one day embrace the choas that I grew up with, so I guess the hardest part is that none of them would really understand. But I know that doesn't matter when it comes to protecting my kids and my life. I'm sorry you had to do that; having some established boundaries is something I look forward to. I'm tired of being expected to "come around."
The "disloyalty" for not "coming around" is part and parcel of the illness.
You are with them or against them.
Luckily, this is not YOUR problem. It is theirs.

The idea of spending quality time with the twins alone sounds wonderful. Please try that.
I reread one of your posts and you said
Sometimes my mom has a way of reassuring me that things are better when we have a long uncomfortable phone conversation about how I never visit anymore, and just in the last year I have learned to stop falling for it.
It reminded me of Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown.
Charlie convinces himself that this year will be different, he runs at the ball, and guess what?
Lucy has fooled him again and he is flat on his back with the breath knocked out of him.
Yeah, I agreed to play, with promises of things to change, but ended up breathless and emotionally hurt, drained.

Beth
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:18 PM
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I had to teach people in my family how to treat me with respect. But first I had to learn what that meant. I learned it by going to Al-Anon, therapy, and college. It took a lot of years but eventually I got there. I also had to learn about Boundaries. With some of the alcoholics/addicts in my life, I was able to maintain contact and practice setting boundaries with them. But with other alcoholics/addicts, I had to cut ties completely. And yes, I had to sacrifice YEARS with small children to do so. But it was worth the sanity, peace, tranquility, and overall quality of life I gained in doing so.

Have you given AlAnon a try? I recommend doing so.
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:05 PM
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You guys are amazing. Really. This is my first time discussing this in depth outside of my family, and now I see that I should have done it a long time ago. It feels so good to hear someone tell me these things.

I have wanted to nix the contact with the rest of the family and only see the twins, but I don't think it would be possible. When they were two and I was living there, things were bad and one day I brought my problems to work with me. After crying to my boss who is a very sweet nursery school teacher who wanted to help, she told me I had to call DSS and handed me the phone right there. I thought I'd be anonymous, but long story short, my mom found out it was me, she and my older brother took over the whole visit from DSS (ever heard of covert incest?) and lied about everything together, and I was too scared to respond to all the detective's phone calls and letters that followed. My mom will never let me be alone with the twins if I drop contact with everyone else. Every time I even mention their well-being, she goes ballistic and thinks I'm conspiring against her again.

Didn't mean to have to add such a twist. I understand the consequences of no contact and I'm willing to make the sacrifice. Just hoping the twins will be able to come to me on their own when they get older.

Thank you everyone, for sharing such wisdom. Theuncertainty, it is true. I will try to keep in mind that I do not need to justify my boundaries. Trying has done no good anyway. And Wicked, I LOVE the Charlie Brown and Lucy analogy :-) Brilliant and so accurate. I will always remember it.

Learn2live, I've considered Al-Anon and I KNOW it would help me.... I guess I just feel too busy for it, which probably sounds dumb, but I don't have a babysitter (we just moved from SC to CT a couple months ago) and I'd feel kinda bad leaving the babies with my husband when he gets home from work so I can go to meetings. Do people ever bring babies?
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:55 AM
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TallTrees, I do not know if people bring babies; I have never seen anyone bring babies to a meeting before.

Going to Al-Anon is something you do for yourself and part of going to Al-Anon and working the program is teaching you to actually do what you need to take care of yourself. There is no need to feel bad for asking your husband to watch the kids for two hours once a week and actually is counterproductive and likely hurting you though you may not know that yet. I had no idea how much the way I relate to others was hurting me and holding me down and holding me back. There are meetings on weekends as well as weekdays, at all hours of day and night. It is so worth it.

Yes, I also had to call CPS for two children who were being neglected and abused. And yes, it was found out and it "backfired." But I never regretted it because I knew (and know) it was the right thing to do. I did eventually have to walk away from that part of my family because it was so dysfunctional. I did not know how sick it was making me until later. After I did, though, I found peace for the first time in my life. And lo and behold, those kids survived all those years without me!

And yes, I have heard of Emotional Incest and I understand that it is very common in alcoholic and addicted families. Sick.
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Old 11-18-2011, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
TallTrees, I do not know if people bring babies; I have never seen anyone bring babies to a meeting before.
I did, but DD was very young and was easily put on the breast if she fussed. Also, there was a meeting in downtown where they had someone entertain DD while I sat in the meeting. I didn't get very often but at least it was nice knowing that I could. I had previously spoken to the man who organized the meetings and told him about my situation; he then told me which meetings would be best for me to attend with DD with me.
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Old 11-27-2011, 07:08 AM
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Thank you, rockland45. And I could never be this clear-headed without all of this reassurance. My husband helps, but there is no history of addiction in his family, so he can only say so much. I am so glad to have found this site.

I've found a meeting in my town Wednesday night and I'm going if DH gets home in time. Wish me luck! I'm actually looking forward to it.
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Old 11-27-2011, 08:21 AM
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Hiya Talltrees!
Welcome-
Glad you found a meeting nearby! Meetings are only an hour or so - it is worth getting a babysitter for that short time if you can!

AlAnon is where I finally learned how to turn my head around from my warped way of thinking about all the As in my life (father, 3 bros and a seriously codependent mom). I have been through many different periods of no contact with my bros at times, because i had to get my thinking straight. I found pretty quickly that my fear over it beng a big deal etc or having to deal with their anger about me going no contact was all just a fantasy (nightmare) in MY mind.

I keep it all about me - for example I don't tell them "You are toxic I must stay away," if they are pestering me - I keep it about me - In fact there was no need to make any kind of announcement - I just started focusing on me and my own problems etc - and if they asked me to do something or come to some event I can keep it all about me and just say "I'm going through something right now, I just need some space." Amazingly (and not surprisingly!) the alcoholics never offer ME help! They generally go back to thinking only abut themselves and their insane sick behavior.

Try not to think of no contact as permanent - just take it one day at a time - periods of no contact have been times for me to focus on me and my mental health and MY children's well being. In fact, having that geographical distance is helpful - I kept my kids entirely away from their oldest uncle - who managed to quit drinking but smokes pot 24/7/365, because he moved thousands of miles away and I just never arranged a trip there while my kids were young!

As for the twins - that is tough - but I have some nieces who I don't get to see much but we have a lively and fun letter and phone relationship. Little kids LOVE to get things in the mail - books (that you can read at the same time and discuss) puzzles, a package of autumn leaves or seashells and a letter about how you collected them -- all that can create an authentic and loving relationship even though you may not be able to physically spend time with them right now. They will get the message that you are SANE, normal, caring and there for them.

Tough stuff - but learning to accept that I control my time and I control who I see and who I allow around my kids made a big difference for me - working the AlAnon program gave me the strength, the tools, and the words! And the ability to choose peace and reject chaos!

Peace-
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Old 11-27-2011, 10:08 AM
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If you're anything like me, you'll find that once you cut ties with them you'll have tons of energy and enthusiasm you never had before, to do all sorts of wonderful things in your life. It was the best decision I ever made.
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