GettingBy

Pardon me for a moment... this post may not be any reflection of all the great recovery work that I have done/doing. BUT... I need to get this **** off my chest.

Oh my gucking fod... this divorce is just crazy. I can not (well, then again maybe I can) believe just how paranoid and whacky my STBXAH is acting lately. He is *certain* that I am hiding money from him. His money. And that I'm stashing it in some secret bank account. And that I'm used said secret money to have rendezvous with my secret boyfriend. Oh. My. God.

Here's the kicker... way back when I filed, I did have people telling me to separate any/all funds. But I didn't - for a couple of reasons. For starters, my attorney told me not to. Also, my AH has (ever since he learned his lesson the hard way!) been very good about money. We have successful had joint funds for over 6 years now. All of our bills (joint and individual) are autopay out of the joint account - messing with that prematurely would have caused me more headaches than worth. So, anyways - I didn't feel right pulling my money out - so I didn't. Not one cent.

Turns out - that's a good thing!!

I got a notice of demand last week. My AH's attorney is requesting 7 years worth of bank statements for any and all bank accounts I've ever held individually, jointly, or under my corporation!! Eh gads!! I don't keep more than 1 yr of statements on file!! So... I had to order copies of everything...for 8 different accounts... and it's going to cost us over $1,000!!! Plus now, AH is going to pay his attorney (at $200/hr) to leaf through this ginormous pile of paper... to find what?

Absolutely nothing. Nice job asshat.

I will admit that a part of me was upset initially. I took the whole accusation personally. I even thought about refusing to submit the paperwork - but then realized that would make me "look guilty." So now, I'm just annoyed. The guy's a freakin' idiot. This divorce will be anything but amicable because he's paranoid and keeps sending his lawyer after me.

I can not wait to cut the chord on this marriage and send him and his dingy back out to sea. I'm so done with dragging him along with me. Part of me is so angry with him for all this ****. I so badly want to just let loose and scream at him... but I don't. So... I need to come here and vent it.

Thanks for listening... I feel better.
Shannon

jayjay1882

so sorry you are dealing with this!!! It seems that when everything is going better in our own recoveries the A comes along and sends us for a loop again... Sigh....... I know you can't wait to get off this crazy train, because I can't either!!!!!
This too shall pass.

Tuffgirl

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Sounds like revenge to me. So sad - for the asshat he ends up looking like, that is!

laurie6781

Go ahead and rant.

I hope you check over everything the bank gives you to make sure that nothing is missing.

then make 2 copies, one for your attorney and one for your personal file.

J M H O but this sounds like something his lawyer dreamed up, not your AH.

Hang in there, you have and are doing everything correctly to CYA and remember we are with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

BobbyJ

Ask your lawyer if you can counter sue him for the cost of the paper fee's
and request his 7 years of banking also...
Including a detailed list of all entertainment, dinner & drink tab's

Head's up on 401K or investments...I got attack on that one.
Figuring out exactly WHO made the most & WHO invested the most, thru out the YEARS!
He tried to get me to pay for that.......NOT!!!

Secret boyfriend....Wow! Your an amazing woman! Will you share him w/ me? lol

lillamy

I swear they get a list of things to be paranoid about in liquid form. And it seems it's the same damn list...

problemis

His attorney can subpoena the records directly from your bank and then your ex would have to pay for it.

One of the most important things to remember in a divorce is that the more the attorneys can create the illusion of risk (if you don't do x then y might happen although noone can say for sure), the higher the probability of fueling the fight. You will ultimately come to understand that all those settlement conferences with the Judge is also about creating an illusion of risk that if you don't settle the case the Judge "might" be inclined to rule this way or that way. Remember that the Judge is an attorney too. The old joke is sadly true: where you see red the lawyers see green.

If you own a business, seven years worth of financials is highly relevant to both sides of the table.

You're going to be attacked personally in a divorce. If you can accept that from the get go then you are going to sleep a hell of a lot better at night. Doesn't mean the attacks are true or that you have to internalize them. You might even start to notice a pattern of the attacks being lodged by his attorney late on Friday afternoons just in time to stir you up all weekend - attorneys love to do that!

Is it all really difficult just because you are divorcing an alcoholic? I mean maybe his is mentally ill. Maybe he is a jerk. Maybe he is a mentally ill jerk. Hard to say. Protecting your emotional health in a divorce is critically important. The illusions the attorneys create will drive you insane if you aren't careful. If you own a business, your case will be a bit more complicated than a person who doesn't.

Are you a thief? If you're not, then let you ex get his jollies off sorting through mind numbing bank records. The allegation isn't going to stick, so get some sleep. If you are a thief, then you'd better hope you disclosed all of the accounts or you might just get hit with perjury.

Milly39

So sorry you have to to thru all this crazy stuff. At least you can get if off your chest here. Hopefully his attorney will go blind reading thru all the statements !!

Seren

Yep, paranoia fueled by drink....my xH (notA) who was having the affair would occasionally accuse me of having one, go figure. Seems pretty classic.

Vent away, Shannon! Oh, and see if your attorney can get his attorney to get him to cough up the $1,000 for the paperwork!!

Hugs, HG

SoaringSpirits

It makes no sense, does it? But then again, nothing an alcoholic does makes much sense. My brother left his alcoholic wife after 17 years of marriage and tried for a peaceful divorce that would let her come out way ahead, because he's a decent guy who didn't want to leave his wife high and dry. She dragged him through a similar process and between them they spent $40,000 in legal fees to split up nothing but $600,000 in debt.

Hang in there. You will get through this eventually!

MsPINKAcres

((gettingby))

Oh Dear ~ Hate so much to hear you are going thru this misery!!

Three years ago I was in the middle of the same type of situation!! It was INSANE the things my exAH came up with!!

Just wondering on a side note - do they have a reference manual

"Divorce for AH's - Crazy things you can use to stall a Divorce 101"

I think that many of the STBEXAH on here have several copies and are distributing them!!!


Maybe even there has been a Buy one Get One Free & give to your drinking buddy at the bar sale lately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Gravy!!!

Anyway - I pray that you will be assigned to a Judge that will see the insanity of all this & will dismiss all the silliness! Soon you will be Happy, Joyous and PINKFULLY FREE!!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

GettingBy

Thank you all so much for the support. I feel like this (and Al-anon) are the only place where I trust people anymore.

I don't trust any of the attorneys or my husband. I spoke with husband b/c I had to let him know I owe additional money to my attorney to respond to his attorney's request (everything is joint, right?!?!). He flew off the handle (big surprise) - saying, "This whole situation is out of control." Telling me I had lost my mind. Funny - I feel like I'm the only one with my mind in-tack right now.

Anywho... he called his attorney - "To get this **** straightened out! Because I didn't request any of this stuff!" So I get a phone call later (broke my own rule - no taking personal calls from him during work hours!)... telling me he spoke with his attorney, there was a misunderstanding - his attorney doesn't want all those documents, blah-blah-blah. I said, "Well, then you need to tell your attorney to READ what he writes BEFORE he sends it. At this point, it's a done deal. The papers are filed in the courthouse and I'm obligated to respond." He told me that my attorney is just trying to drum up billable hours!! Good god.

When I met with my attorney, she did advise me that based on how my AH is acting we are likely heading to trial. So, yeah, like SoaringSpirits said - we are going to end up spending $20,000 total to split a couple of nickels.


I hate this whole process. It's bad enough that the relationship has degraded to what it has - the divorce process just puts the final nail in the coffin and sets the damn thing on fire.


As much as I hate the idea of giving the attorney all the money - from this moment on - all communications go from attorney to attorney. Period. I will not have any more direct conversations with AH.

lillamy

Wise. And easier on your blood pressure. If I had a million dollars, I'd have my divorce attorney on retainer and require AXH to only communicate through him. That would cut a lot of the BS out.

Divorce his hell. Just remember what Willie Nelson said: "You know why divorces are so expensive? BECAUSE THEY'RE WORTH IT."

cece1960

Your's too? Yep, classic...

fulloffaith

The whole situation sounds so stressful! Stay strong and keep your head up. I agree with post above- if you are walking a true path (honest, no thieving, no cheating, doing the best you can) things will all work out. Even if you end up way poorer, if you have your integrity, this is just one more rocky road you need to travel down. You have been so strong - keep moving with you head high.

It def sounds like attorney just drumming up craziness. I personally do not like how the entire process is so adversarial. The lawyers act or make suggestions but in who's best interest? Did your husband really question or want finance history? He sounded surprised and angry too. Obviously you are divorcing for legit reasons, but it's frustrating that the process allows for such BS and more reasons to be enemies.

I hope you can get yourself to a calm, peaceful head space. I'm glad you posted. It gets your frustration out but also lets the rest of us see were not alone in ups and downs of living and disentangling and loving am alcoholic.

GettingBy

To answer the first question - yes. He is the one who told his attorney (per my husband) that "I don't trust her anymore. I'm confident she's hiding money - do what you can legally do to uncover the money trail." As to the second part - he was surprised because he had no idea the magnitude of **** storm he stirred up when he said, "do what you can legally do to uncover the money trail." The attorney never told him, "Okay - I'm going to request 7 years worth of bank statements for EVERY account she's ever had her name on." But it goes back to what my AH told HIS attorney - HE is the one that fed the notion that I'm hiding money - he's attorney is just responding to his client's concerns. And - his attorney is in the business of providing legal services - not counseling.

So anyways... I agree - the whole process just breeds mistrust on both sides and the only people that win are the damn attorneys.

The whole thing would be so much easier if my AH could have a rational discussion without playing the blame game. I would love to negotiate this between the two of us... but that ain't gonna happen. It's going to cost us lots of money for lawyer fees - and that's it.


On a happier side note - I spoke with Company No. 2 - I should have my second job offer (at least verbally!!) by this Friday!! I'm looking forward to making a career change - having more money to provide me financial freedom from this marriage

fulloffaith

congrats on job! that is awesome. So, he did start the whole thing with the money questioning. I think it is true that sometimes things get said without really thinking through the ramifications or what that "suggestion" of hiding $$$ would bring about!

It is so interesting, because as long as they are active in the disease and not free of recovery, they can not be "rational" or adult. My stbxah continues to try and coparent as if we are just a normal divorcing couple. It is very hard when things go from rational calm discussions one moment to highly charged emotional and alcohol infused conversations the next! I do not doubt that divorce and separation and loss of dreams would be hard under normal circumstances. When you add in the alcohol component it makes it soooo hard.

BUT - we have practice! We also dealt with the super hard marriages, probably much more challenging than the average marriage. If we could handle the marriage, we can definitely get through the divorce with our serenity intact! Hugs to you. you are doing great for you and kids.....

Ladybug0130

So sorry you are going through this. It's terrible, isn't it? I for one, am amazed that people who go through contentious divorces every marry again. I just finalized mine a month ago and am convinced at this point that I will NEVER EVER be legally tied to another person again!

It's all very complicated, it's a lot of work, and it's expensive. But, it's just something that has to be done, I guess. I cringe when I think of all the money spent on his addiction, rehabs, and divorce in the past two years. I could have bought my kids and I a house free and clear with our savings, and now it's almost gone. I guess you just have to let it go though, and be thankful to be getting out. When I think that I could still be living with my ex and going through the hell we were going through I shudder.

And making all your contact through lawyers is definitely an excellent idea! No need at all to talk to him directly.