Kat

Things were so simple when I believed that nobody could love an alcoholic. There had to be some other explanation: people can get addicted to somebody else's addiction, they need to be needed, they can't stand alone. And so on. I had it all figured out.

I didn't drink and didn't take the chance that I'd ever care about anybody that did. Then I filed for divorce. My husband's response was to try to beat me to death. A neighbor heard the commotion, intervened, sent my husband packing, and helped me to get a restraining order. The restraining order wasn't enough. My husband came at me, again and again. The police told me there wasn't anything they could do to protect me as long as my husband could find me. My neighbor then moved me into his house. Just being in a house with a man who was willing to confront my violent husband was all it took to stop the violence and get me divorced from a monster.

I was concerned about the drinking my new friend was doing, and had been doing for most of his life. But I knew better than try to reform him. He must be doing something right: he rode to the rescue, did something for me that I couldn't do for myself, right? It didn't take me long to understand that the drinking was as much a life-threatening problem for him as my marriage had been for me. Is there anything I should do about it? Since I was the only person who was in a position to see how bad it was 24/7, I thought I should try to help him, if there was a way to do it without "butting in." After the first agonizing year, I realized that I needed more help than he did. I knew I could become as addicted to this man and his problems as he was addicted to alcohol.

Every time he makes progress, I forget what the down side is. The greater the progress the more devastating the setbacks. I expected that alcoholic's only real relationship is with alcohol, and that the people in an alcoholic's life can be reduced to support systems and props. I know it, I knew it, I saw it coming. Which doesn't change a d*** thing. When this man is good, he's larger than life. The flip side is: when he's in trouble, he's closer than most to disaster and death. It hurts so much. My hero is dying right in front of me. The lights in his soul were about to blink out, he says, when he met me. If I leave, he goes back to that point of despair. If I stay, I make things worse by reinforcing his habit. I don't know which way to jump. I don't want to make the mistake of accepting the things I can't change if the problem is that I don't have the experience and wisdom, yet, to know the difference. I guess I needed to vent. I needed to say I love him, that I got into this position knowing I might have to pay this kind of price. So far he's worth it. But what do I do next? Thanks for "listening." Kat

JT

Welcome Kat,

I am glad you found us. You articulated you situation very well. We all understand.

Make yourself at home! We look forward to getting to know you.
Hugs,
JT

Kat

Thanks, Jon

I tried to leave him before. When my divorce was final I moved out of state. He hit bottom. I came back for three months to see if there was anything I should be doing to help him recover. I wasn't sure he even wanted to recover. I'm not sure now. I read some of his books on the subject (his idea) and I go to Al Anon.
I can't keep the lights on forever. I am his symbol of sobriety and respectability. He needs the real thing. As long as I'm here making things nice for him, how will he know? I didn't realize what I meant to him. I didn't see any hearts and flowers, and I don't, now. I have been an emotional buffer and an all-purpose maintenance woman. Nothing sentimental about that. It's the same old same old, just new news to me. Enabling would be the next step. Thanks to Al Anon, I can pick up the pieces and go, without kidding myself that it will kill him. Alcohol will do that whether I'm around or not. Kat

jewels04_98

wow,

you says things so well... i understand how you feel.. i once and still am in your position.. but we aren't married.. what you have just said as made me cry tears that i didn't think i had. you are such a strong person.. i didn't think there was a god til i found ala-non.. as a newcomer as i am just now realizing that i my steps and traditions apply in my everyday life. not only is my A a drinker but also a drug user.. he was clean for 10 yrs and suddenly relapsed for no reason. i asked him why why why.. and he has no answers.. why ask questions that you won't get a straight answer too.. thank you for sharing.. keep coming back..

Kat

Jewels

If I was that strong, why would I need you guys?! I'm not married to this guy, either. He started out by saving my life, as I described. I thought I could stay detached enough to help him, but it is so much harder than I ever expected. For a while I felt I was carrying the load for all the family, friends, children who ever loved him and still had some hope for him. I can't possibly tell them how bad it is, that would violate his trust in me. So I tried to stand in for all of them. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for people born into this, or for people who have been in it for many years, like you. How do you ever get anything done or have any fun? Maybe you already know what I'm just finding out. When he's good, he's fabulous. Hard to imagine life without him. Then there's the down side. Over and over. I've realized that I'm going to have to imagine life without him, anyway. We've had some nights where I wasn't sure he was going to wake up at all. Believe it or not, that "helps" me to decide what to do. This is beyond tough love, the decision will be taken away from him and from me. That could happen whether I'm here or not. I told him I can't watch any more. Is that why he's trying so hard now? Not sure. I thought about getting my own place nearby, not in the same house, but not hundreds of miles away, either. When I got that far away, he gave up.

He has a handful of old "friends" waiting in the wings for the first sign of weakness. They had a field day when I moved out the first time. If I stick around in this town, I will be doing it to repay a debt. A man that gets involved in a neighbor's violent home is doing a job that the cops can't do by themselves. I'm thinking if I don't get too far away, the vultures can't finish him off and I won't stay in the middle of it 24/7 which is too much for me. I also think that meeting me might have kept him from hitting bottom sooner. That isn't because I'm fabulous (I'd like to think so, but no!) but because he had a chance to do something truly heroic, and that helped him help himself. It's the day-to-day grind and routine that harder for him to take than for the people I know that don't have this kind of struggle.

I don't know if drugs are a part of the picture yet, or not. The old "vulture" friends strike me as people who hit the skids because drinking became drugs, and now they've come back to finish him off. In the story "The Devil and Daniel Webster" the devil comes back to collect the soul of Jabez Stone. That's what it looks like. If the addiction doesn't finish him off, there are people with a definite agenda. Motive? I don't get it, other than misery loves company. This crowd of people is one reason I dug in and stayed as long as I did. That's also the reaon I got overwhelmed, Jewels. That put me at the breaking point. Once I got that figured out, moving out was an easy decision for me. Maybe not for you.
If you are more emotionally involved or have children or other ties, you've got a situation too tough for me to imagine.

The only experience I had with drugs was with one of my kids. After several months of second chances, I kicked out my own daughter. Within few days she cleaned up her act. At first I thought having her live at home would keep her college-related expenses down. When it became clear that college had taken a back seat to "partying" I realized that the money I was trying to save her was going for drugs. I thought paying her own way would help her to set priorities. She had to choose between a drugged vagrancy and a decent place to live. She found a home, pays bills instead of dealers, and managed to find her way back to college without my "help" within 2 years. Unlike my housemate who is surrounded by people who expect him to fall or want him to fail, my daughter had a network of Christian friends who helped her find her way back from hell when I couldn't help her any more.

But that is the extent of my experience, Jewels. I don't know what to do about drugs except run in the opposite direction, or at least establish a physical distance. From that point I try to negotiate with my loved ones. Since drugs are illegal, I don't know any other way to stay out of it but to take a hard line like that. If the entire country is at war with drugs, then that's my way of fighting my own personal war. If my children or friends cross over to the "other side" then I have to treat them accordingly or become one of them.

Have you seen Mel Gibson's "Patriot" or "Signs"? One is a historical account of a war that is fought right in the home, the other is science fiction. But that's how I look at it. Who knows, when the kids come home with their friends, whether any one of those kids are one of "us" or one of "them"? At first we don't. But once we know, what do we do? Drugs seems to cancel out options faster than alcohol. I don't know what else to do. What other choice do we have? If I ever figure it out, I'll be happy to share. Meanwhile, I'm trying to learn from others. My "track record" so far is one for two (maybe) haven't givien up on "number two" yet. Not much, not good enough, I need to learn, too. Some days I don't learn much since coping is the best I can do. I'll bet you know what I mean. Thanks for your encouragement. Kat