What was the reaction when you asked them to leave...?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
What was the reaction when you asked them to leave...?
At the weekend I said to AH that I wanted him to leave. His response was :
1. I love you, why would you throw away x years of marriage, " just like that"
2. Thats not fair, I deserve another chance
3. I can't leave....What about the kids ( we have 2 boys under 9 )
4. I can't be on my own, I'm no good on my own
5. I have no where to go
6. I will do x, y and z if you let me stay
7. What about Christmas?!!
My mind was so clear - I wasn;t asking him to leave on a whim.
It's taken me nearly 10 years to face up to the awfulness of our situation and I have had enough, I am on my knees.
I want him to go so that me and the boys can have a healthy, calm life - is this so wrong??
Its game over for me....but he kept chipping away and I began to feel guilty about what would happen to him.
He's just manipulating me and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Anyone have a similar experience??
thanks for listening
1. I love you, why would you throw away x years of marriage, " just like that"
2. Thats not fair, I deserve another chance
3. I can't leave....What about the kids ( we have 2 boys under 9 )
4. I can't be on my own, I'm no good on my own
5. I have no where to go
6. I will do x, y and z if you let me stay
7. What about Christmas?!!
My mind was so clear - I wasn;t asking him to leave on a whim.
It's taken me nearly 10 years to face up to the awfulness of our situation and I have had enough, I am on my knees.
I want him to go so that me and the boys can have a healthy, calm life - is this so wrong??
Its game over for me....but he kept chipping away and I began to feel guilty about what would happen to him.
He's just manipulating me and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Anyone have a similar experience??
thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yeah, that is pretty much what everyone says when they are asked to leave, I imagine. Hold firm. You already know what you want and don't let him manipulate you.
I got my ex to leave and it was great because I finally got out of the madness long enough to think and enjoy life and take some time to figure out what I really wanted. My ex is killing himself slowly and staying in motels, I still feel guilty for what happened to him, even though I didn't cause it, but I am also happy I got my children out of that insanity. I think what got me to make the final move is talking with an old boss who grew up in a home with an alcoholic father.
Just remember, you deserve a good life too. You don't have to sacrifice yourself and your kids to take care of an alcoholic out of guilt. It sounds like you are standing strong though! Good for you!
I got my ex to leave and it was great because I finally got out of the madness long enough to think and enjoy life and take some time to figure out what I really wanted. My ex is killing himself slowly and staying in motels, I still feel guilty for what happened to him, even though I didn't cause it, but I am also happy I got my children out of that insanity. I think what got me to make the final move is talking with an old boss who grew up in a home with an alcoholic father.
Just remember, you deserve a good life too. You don't have to sacrifice yourself and your kids to take care of an alcoholic out of guilt. It sounds like you are standing strong though! Good for you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Hi Milly,
All the above you mentioned,I got the same replys,
One especially which you also mentioned- 'I've no-where to go' and 'another was you dont mean that'.
I too didnt come to a decision lightly,I had to think what was best for me,(my children are all grown up now)
And also I knew I couldnt keep making idle threats,I had to say what I mean and mean what I said and stuck to it-in the past I hadnt stuck to what I'd said, so of course he knew that he could keep coming back whenever he wanted,that wasnt his fault that was mine.In the end I came to a decision ,one that I could live with and have no regrets.
That for me was 15 months ago,
All my best wishes to you and your children
All the above you mentioned,I got the same replys,
One especially which you also mentioned- 'I've no-where to go' and 'another was you dont mean that'.
I too didnt come to a decision lightly,I had to think what was best for me,(my children are all grown up now)
And also I knew I couldnt keep making idle threats,I had to say what I mean and mean what I said and stuck to it-in the past I hadnt stuck to what I'd said, so of course he knew that he could keep coming back whenever he wanted,that wasnt his fault that was mine.In the end I came to a decision ,one that I could live with and have no regrets.
That for me was 15 months ago,
All my best wishes to you and your children
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 41
I came here to say I finally kicked "him" out - so I'll tell you about it.
He came home and casually mentioned that he had been fired. This is his 8th job in 2 years. I was irate. I'm tired of paying all the bills. I'm tired of dealing with his problems. I have made a nice life for myself and I want to enjoy it.
So I told him he had to leave. Now.
He really didn't have anywhere to go. It's not as easy to find couches to sleep on when you're 43 as it was at 33. The party friends have families and jobsand they know he's going to be there until they get rid of him. Finally a friend let him stay in the basement.
He applied for medicaid and got into rehab. Now he calls me collect asking me to send cigarettes. I'm done spending money on him so I tell him no.
It wasn't just the drinking, it wasn't just the money. It was also the fact that he can't even help around the house. It's a long story but he has been very lazy.
I heard "I have no family", "I have no where to go", "but I love you!". Yeah, but where was this undying devotion when you watched me and my son install the new floor and paint the walls while you swilled beer?
I will talk to him a little because I'm not the kind to cut off completely, but if he thinks he's milking me for even one more smoke, he's nuts.
Me first now. Me first. I'm done taking care of a babyman.
He came home and casually mentioned that he had been fired. This is his 8th job in 2 years. I was irate. I'm tired of paying all the bills. I'm tired of dealing with his problems. I have made a nice life for myself and I want to enjoy it.
So I told him he had to leave. Now.
He really didn't have anywhere to go. It's not as easy to find couches to sleep on when you're 43 as it was at 33. The party friends have families and jobsand they know he's going to be there until they get rid of him. Finally a friend let him stay in the basement.
He applied for medicaid and got into rehab. Now he calls me collect asking me to send cigarettes. I'm done spending money on him so I tell him no.
It wasn't just the drinking, it wasn't just the money. It was also the fact that he can't even help around the house. It's a long story but he has been very lazy.
I heard "I have no family", "I have no where to go", "but I love you!". Yeah, but where was this undying devotion when you watched me and my son install the new floor and paint the walls while you swilled beer?
I will talk to him a little because I'm not the kind to cut off completely, but if he thinks he's milking me for even one more smoke, he's nuts.
Me first now. Me first. I'm done taking care of a babyman.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Yes I had a similar experience and he ratched up the guilting and manipulation about 50 notches. He was relentless. Lots of drama in the next three months and some backsliding from me. It was very hard but my backsliding or going against my initial gut feeling/desire was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It made everything worse. It was the worse time of my life and by far the worst time of our relationship - way worse then anything prior to my asking him to leave. I did not have any recovery before I decided to end it and it showed. My confusion was enormous.
Hang in there. Do not listen to all the guilting and manipulation. It is such a self centered and selfish thing some people do and it is mean to the core. Keep reading and posting here. I could not have made it without SR. I finally got a counselor, which was also a very good move. I should have done that right away. Al-anon was also helpful but would have been more affective had I started going a year before I decided to end it, and not a week after.
Hang in there. Do not listen to all the guilting and manipulation. It is such a self centered and selfish thing some people do and it is mean to the core. Keep reading and posting here. I could not have made it without SR. I finally got a counselor, which was also a very good move. I should have done that right away. Al-anon was also helpful but would have been more affective had I started going a year before I decided to end it, and not a week after.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hi Milly!
I got all the same responses that you did - plus I got, "I will not be the one who abandons the family home. My father left me, and I know how awful that felt as a child. I won't do that to my children!" So, he was adamant that he would not leave the house.
Fine. I'm not going to get into a pissing match over a house that we've lived in less than 3 years. Besides, my boundary was - I will not be married to and live with active addiction. No where in there did I state I had to have this house. What I have learned through Al-anon is to be flexible and keep an open mind - sometimes the solution (which comes when I use patience and give myself time!) is something better than I had in mind!!
As I work my plan and recovery - other options have presented themselves. I'm getting a new job that will pay me lots more money. One of my friends has a cute house he can't afford and wants to rent (it's exactly what I want and in my price range!). It's amazing how things are falling into place. All the pieces aren't exactly there yet (I'm waiting on legal docs that would protect me when I move out) but I'm being patient and knowing that life WILL get better!
Now, the funny thing about my alcoholic... he "won", right? He gets the house. He gets to stay, and his mind be the "hero" for his kids. And guess what? He's freaking out because I'm leaving him with THE HOUSE. He said, "But you can't leave! I don't know how to pay bills!! I don't know anything about the landscaping. I don't know anything about..." It's all manipulation to try and keep status quo.
And the truth is - I don't worry about "abandoning" the family home. Home for me can be re-created whereever I go. I'm actually very excited about creating a whole new nest for me, the kids, and our dog! The change, while scary at first, will be fun and good for all 4 of us!
So, what I have learned... I need to be certain that I make my decisions because they are what's best FOR ME - and let go of what the alcoholic says, does, thinks, feels... because it's none of my business. And when I do that... my motives become clear, and the decisions become much easier to follow through on.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
I got all the same responses that you did - plus I got, "I will not be the one who abandons the family home. My father left me, and I know how awful that felt as a child. I won't do that to my children!" So, he was adamant that he would not leave the house.
Fine. I'm not going to get into a pissing match over a house that we've lived in less than 3 years. Besides, my boundary was - I will not be married to and live with active addiction. No where in there did I state I had to have this house. What I have learned through Al-anon is to be flexible and keep an open mind - sometimes the solution (which comes when I use patience and give myself time!) is something better than I had in mind!!
As I work my plan and recovery - other options have presented themselves. I'm getting a new job that will pay me lots more money. One of my friends has a cute house he can't afford and wants to rent (it's exactly what I want and in my price range!). It's amazing how things are falling into place. All the pieces aren't exactly there yet (I'm waiting on legal docs that would protect me when I move out) but I'm being patient and knowing that life WILL get better!
Now, the funny thing about my alcoholic... he "won", right? He gets the house. He gets to stay, and his mind be the "hero" for his kids. And guess what? He's freaking out because I'm leaving him with THE HOUSE. He said, "But you can't leave! I don't know how to pay bills!! I don't know anything about the landscaping. I don't know anything about..." It's all manipulation to try and keep status quo.
And the truth is - I don't worry about "abandoning" the family home. Home for me can be re-created whereever I go. I'm actually very excited about creating a whole new nest for me, the kids, and our dog! The change, while scary at first, will be fun and good for all 4 of us!
So, what I have learned... I need to be certain that I make my decisions because they are what's best FOR ME - and let go of what the alcoholic says, does, thinks, feels... because it's none of my business. And when I do that... my motives become clear, and the decisions become much easier to follow through on.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
You are dealing with typical alcoholic manipulation. When I finally gave my AH the boot one fine spring day, he surprised me by leaving quickly and quietly. Later came the manipulation. I was informed that it was my fault that he drank because he was so stressed trying to provide for our family.
Whatever. I'm just so DONE with it. It's really nice to have some sanity and peace and take care of myself for a change and not worry about dealing with a medicated man nights and weekends.
Whatever. I'm just so DONE with it. It's really nice to have some sanity and peace and take care of myself for a change and not worry about dealing with a medicated man nights and weekends.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by PaperDolls 
It's not only alcoholic behavior/manipulation. It can be exhibited by anyone affected by this disease.
A power struggle ceases being a power struggle when one person lets go of the rope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
thanks....
thanks for sharing.
Jose2 - I too have issued idle threats in the past and never followed thru, so I guess he was just going on my past behaviour but this time I am thinking with the head NOT my heart. The love I had is GONE and I only realised it in the last few days. It's probably been gone for a long time, but I just never wanted to believe it.
Fedup - I hope you are right about looking after themselves - even tho I don't love him anymore, I still care a lot.
He's moving out at the weekend - we still need to finalise practicalities etc. I am devastated it has come to this....but am looking forward to a better life for me and my boys.
M.
Jose2 - I too have issued idle threats in the past and never followed thru, so I guess he was just going on my past behaviour but this time I am thinking with the head NOT my heart. The love I had is GONE and I only realised it in the last few days. It's probably been gone for a long time, but I just never wanted to believe it.
Fedup - I hope you are right about looking after themselves - even tho I don't love him anymore, I still care a lot.
He's moving out at the weekend - we still need to finalise practicalities etc. I am devastated it has come to this....but am looking forward to a better life for me and my boys.
M.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: northwest
Posts: 33
Im the one that left. I kicked him out a few times. I always let him come home. This way I have the control over my own house. He is now paying his bills. Im even told he cooks once in awhile. Maybe next clean the darn bathroom!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
They do actually look after themselves Milly,I know with my XAH, he watched me cook, clean and decorate, see to car payments and numerous other things for years, and told me he learnt a lot from me.
Take what you like and leave the rest
All best wishes
Take what you like and leave the rest
All best wishes
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I love these...
...let me help you out because I too had to separate from a drunk:
1. I love you, why would you throw away x years of marriage, " just like that." I'm not. I'm considering x years of your behaviors and my misery. I didn't marry to be my husband's mommy, I married to be my husband's wife. Now I'm leaving because it's better than staying.
2. Thats not fair, I deserve another chance. What's not fair is what you've put me through for x years. You are out of chances and you don't deserve another one.
3. I can't leave....What about the kids ( we have 2 boys under 9 ). I'm leaving precisely to protect the kids and myself from more damage from your alcoholism. Alcoholics make terrible fathers.
4. I can't be on my own, I'm no good on my own. You're also no good with me and the boys and I can't allow you to damange them any more than you already have.
5. I have no where to go. You're a grown man. You'll figure it out.
6. I will do x, y and z if you let me stay. No, you won't. You'll promise to do so, maybe even do it for a bit, but as soon as you think I'm softened back up you'll go right back to the bottle (or maybe even sooner). Rehab and AA for the rest of your life is the only thing I'll even entertain, and even so you still have to leave until you demonstrate success and committment in your recovery. Even then I can't promise anything, but without it I can promise there's no chance at all.
7. What about Christmas?!! Don't worry about Christmas-- it'll come whether you are here or not and will frankly be better with a sober household.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
1. I love you, why would you throw away x years of marriage, " just like that." I'm not. I'm considering x years of your behaviors and my misery. I didn't marry to be my husband's mommy, I married to be my husband's wife. Now I'm leaving because it's better than staying.
2. Thats not fair, I deserve another chance. What's not fair is what you've put me through for x years. You are out of chances and you don't deserve another one.
3. I can't leave....What about the kids ( we have 2 boys under 9 ). I'm leaving precisely to protect the kids and myself from more damage from your alcoholism. Alcoholics make terrible fathers.
4. I can't be on my own, I'm no good on my own. You're also no good with me and the boys and I can't allow you to damange them any more than you already have.
5. I have no where to go. You're a grown man. You'll figure it out.
6. I will do x, y and z if you let me stay. No, you won't. You'll promise to do so, maybe even do it for a bit, but as soon as you think I'm softened back up you'll go right back to the bottle (or maybe even sooner). Rehab and AA for the rest of your life is the only thing I'll even entertain, and even so you still have to leave until you demonstrate success and committment in your recovery. Even then I can't promise anything, but without it I can promise there's no chance at all.
7. What about Christmas?!! Don't worry about Christmas-- it'll come whether you are here or not and will frankly be better with a sober household.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Milly39
At the weekend I said to AH that I wanted him to leave. His response was :
1. I love you, why would you throw away x years of marriage, " just like that"
2. Thats not fair, I deserve another chance
3. I can't leave....What about the kids ( we have 2 boys under 9 )
4. I can't be on my own, I'm no good on my own
5. I have no where to go
6. I will do x, y and z if you let me stay
7. What about Christmas?!!
My mind was so clear - I wasn;t asking him to leave on a whim.
It's taken me nearly 10 years to face up to the awfulness of our situation and I have had enough, I am on my knees.
I want him to go so that me and the boys can have a healthy, calm life - is this so wrong??
Its game over for me....but he kept chipping away and I began to feel guilty about what would happen to him.
He's just manipulating me and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Anyone have a similar experience??
thanks for listening
1. I love you, why would you throw away x years of marriage, " just like that"
2. Thats not fair, I deserve another chance
3. I can't leave....What about the kids ( we have 2 boys under 9 )
4. I can't be on my own, I'm no good on my own
5. I have no where to go
6. I will do x, y and z if you let me stay
7. What about Christmas?!!
My mind was so clear - I wasn;t asking him to leave on a whim.
It's taken me nearly 10 years to face up to the awfulness of our situation and I have had enough, I am on my knees.
I want him to go so that me and the boys can have a healthy, calm life - is this so wrong??
Its game over for me....but he kept chipping away and I began to feel guilty about what would happen to him.
He's just manipulating me and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Anyone have a similar experience??
thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Milly39, mine asked the same questions of me and Cryanoak's answers are perfect. My XAH amazed me when for so long he couldn't even take care of his own personal hygeine much less get an apartment, set up utilities and so on but you know what when I detached turned around and walked away he actually managed to take care of what he needed to to be on his own. You will see once he's gone your thinking will become clearer once you are away from the madness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 38
I told him I was leaving him. We were engaged though, not married. He told me he didn't need help and just stayed in the bathroom all night and wouldn't talk to me.
He pretty much just let me leave but not without texting and emailing me after passive aggressively blaming me. He thought if he didn't point fingers, hit me or yell he wasn't abusive. I beg to differ. Very manipulative.
He pretty much just let me leave but not without texting and emailing me after passive aggressively blaming me. He thought if he didn't point fingers, hit me or yell he wasn't abusive. I beg to differ. Very manipulative.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Sometimes my X was ok with it and sometimes he was freaking out. Me too- I waffled....but finally after alot of therapy and a couple of dealbreakers happened it was done. He moved on to a new enabler quickly. That was 5 years ago. I wonder how "she's" doing, not him.....
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