Husband goes to treatment and now wants to end marriage?!?!

Old 11-14-2011, 08:07 PM
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Husband goes to treatment and now wants to end marriage?!?!

Help! My husband and I have been together for 18 years. We have 2 children (15 and 11). He's been numbing his pain with alcohol and other drugs for about 22 years now. He finally accepted help and is in a treatment centre for concurrent disorders (addiction & mental health).
Now, after two months of sobriety and one month in treatment, after I have seriously loved and supported him through everything, he has told me that he's doesn't love me and probably never really has. He's making serious plans to leave his family as soon as he leaves treatment. When he comes home on weekends, he spends all his time caring for himself and others from the treatment centre. When they go to AA, he leaves 2 hours before so he can give everyone rides and spends hours with everyone after. He says that everyone there knows what he's going through...especially one girl who I've come to realize he has romantic feelings for.
He still has another month and a half of treatment. I'm so scared for my children and myself! Why now?? After all this time and finally being sober would he decide to walk out on his family??
I am seeing a counsellor, have tons of friends and am very respected in the community. He tells me how terrific I am and how this may be the stupidest mistake in his life...yet he's still making plans to leave.
Help?? Any insight??
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:19 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I am so sorry about the situation that brought you here, (((cyberhugs)))

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I do not have answers as to why your partner of 18 years wants to end the relationship. It doesnt not seem like a healthy decision to be making this early in his recovery.......

For yourself, I am glad you have a counselor. Have you considered Alanon meetings for face-to-face support? They really helped me feel accepted, calm, and helped me learn steps to better caring of ME.

I also recommend getting a free consultation with a lawyer in your community. I needed two free consultations (with different lawyers) to get the answers I needed concerning my rights as wife and mother in our community. I felt better about my future when I knew what my options were.
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:36 PM
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My wife (now in recovery for 18 months) was a pretty serious drinker for the second 15 years of our marriage, and the last 5 years before she got treatment were a kind of living hell.
One of the first things she said, coming out of treatment, was "Now we need to start working on you." Shortly after that we were in marriage counseling and I think that at that point in time, she was seriously considering divorce. As for me? I wasn't going to tell her no, my life had been pretty miserable. But I really was supporting her recovery and wanting her to succeed...so I kept my mouth shut.
One of the things our marriage counselor said was "Don't make any big decisions." I think that's good advice at this point in your life and your husbands life. Don't make any big decisions. With just a couple of months sobriety under his belt...he still is not seeing the world as it really is. Right now, he may well be on a "pink cloud." In a couple of months he may be in the dumps. Six months or a year from now, he may be beginning to have his head on straight. I recommend reading about "PAWS," post acute alcohol withdrawl syndrome for some insight into what his body and his mind are going through.
When my wife went into treatment, it was suggested that I attend an Al-Anon meeting. I did so, and then kept going back. It really help me recover from the effects of my wife's alcoholism.
In case you're wondering, my wife and I are still together and feel grateful that we've been able to share our recovery experience. I feel like I've got a second chance at life.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:07 PM
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Thanks

Thanks for the encouragement! I was thinking of going to Alanon but wondered what the point was if he's not going to be around anyway. Maybe I'll give it a whirl. I am definitely ready and willing to make changes myself. I have lost a lot of who I am because I've been so busy raising my children and always picking up the pieces.
I decided to call the treatment centre today to make sure they are aware of what's going on. I agree that we should not be making any hasty decisions, especially while he is still in treatment. The care team there including the doctors, therapists, etc. are going to work with him on these issues.
I really do appreciate the encouragement. I'm praying that this will all work out. My kids and I have already been through so much.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:21 PM
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Have a read of this to gain a little insight:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1528796
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Old 11-14-2011, 10:19 PM
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It's for you, not him...

...so it doesn't matter what he does. Please go to at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. As for him, it doesn't matter. AA is for people to learn about how not to drink, Alanon is for people who love alcoholics, weather the alcoholic is drinking or not.

That's you.

Please keep an open mind and try it. Alanon, literally, saved my life.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by berrygirl View Post
Thanks for the encouragement! I was thinking of going to Alanon but wondered what the point was if he's not going to be around anyway. Maybe I'll give it a whirl. I am definitely ready and willing to make changes myself. I have lost a lot of who I am because I've been so busy raising my children and always picking up the pieces.
I decided to call the treatment centre today to make sure they are aware of what's going on. I agree that we should not be making any hasty decisions, especially while he is still in treatment. The care team there including the doctors, therapists, etc. are going to work with him on these issues.
I really do appreciate the encouragement. I'm praying that this will all work out. My kids and I have already been through so much.
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Old 11-16-2011, 04:35 PM
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Thanks everyone! I looked up Al-Anon in the area and will attend my first meeting tomorrow night. I'm used to handling things all myself so going to a counsellor and Al-Anon are big steps to admitting this is too much for me to deal with. I don't want to be one of those people that just sits around and complains about my problems, retelling stories of the bad times. I'm hoping this isn't like that.
Does anyone know what age is appropriate for Alateen? My daughter is almost 12 but a very old and wise soul. Her father's behaviour is affecting her deeply. She's talking to me but I'm afraid I don't have many answers for her either right now. I just don't want her to sit in a meeting being sujected to other people's horror stories and make her even more scared than she already is. Maybe a private counsellor would be better? Thoughts?
Thanks!
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:11 PM
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"I'm used to handling things all myself"

Me too, it just wasn't doable when dealing with the alcoholic in my life...I needed help.
I put my ego aside and started going to meetings and found this site, both were lifesavers for me.

You are heading in the right direction...keep moving forward.

IMO as a starting point, I would seek private counelling for your daughter, then at a later date, couple it with Alateen.

Keep posting, my best....Dolly
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Old 11-17-2011, 05:20 AM
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I don't want to be one of those people that just sits around and complains about my problems, retelling stories of the bad times. I'm hoping this isn't like that.
that's the beauty of these meetings. it's the place where you're almost "required and expected" to moan and groan about your problems and then you find people understanding your situation because some of them are there for just the same problem.
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Old 11-17-2011, 05:29 AM
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Hi berrygirl, and welcome!

Good for you for going to Alanon. I want to echo what Cyranoak said, Alanon saved my life, too.

As for Alateen, my younger daughter started when she was 12. Now, a year later, she really enjoys the meetings along with my older daughter. Sometimes the 3 of us sit at the dinner table and we can talk "program language" about how to deal with challenging people/situations in our lives. They have come to realize that their Dad is just one of those people/circumstances, and that they have a solid Alanon/Alateen recovery family where they can safely talk about what those challenges are like for them and gain insight, experience, strength and hope.

That being said, if your daughter is willing to talk with a counselor I think that's great, too. My kids have been seeing a counselor since early this year and it has helped, but the meetings provide something different which has also helped tremendously. And keep in mind that at Alateen your daughter may hear some pretty difficult stories about what other kids are living with, too. That was a bit of a shock for my kids but it also helped them to have perspective, and in our case that was incredibly powerful for them. But since your daughter is not quite a teenager you might want to keep that in mind.

As for your husband's plans to leave, my thoughts and empathy are with you on that. All I can say is that one of the things that I have learned, thanks to Alanon is that this is absolutely true: "Let go, or be dragged." And that no matter what your husband does, you are okay and you are NOT alone. We get it.

Keep coming back here, it helps more than I can say.

Again, welcome!
posie
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Old 11-17-2011, 05:39 AM
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What I found at Al-anon was a group of people who had lived MY life... so when I told them my troubles and woes - they nodded and smiled - because they understood!! Then something wonderful happened - instead of dwelling on my problems - they helped me focus towards solutions! They let me vent when I needed to, and then patiently redirected me back to a path towards happiness and serenity!!

Before Al-anon I vacillated between two extremes - constantly focusing on the negative and pretending the negative didn't exist. Neither worked well for ME. In Al-anon, I learned to see the negative, accept it, and make decisions that moved me and my life away from the negative.

It really is a truly amazing program!

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by berrygirl View Post
When they go to AA, he leaves 2 hours before so he can give everyone rides and spends hours with everyone after. He says that everyone there knows what he's going through...especially one girl who I've come to realize he has romantic feelings for.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my opinion and my experience, this is one of the most serious dangers of promoting the idea that "only an alcoholic can understand an alcoholic" and "you need to put your recovery first, even ahead of your marriage and family". It's only a tiny leap from that, to "gee, I'd better get to the AA meeting two hours early rather than spend time with my kids....and wow, this girl I met in AA understands me so much better than my normie wife...."

I cannot count the number of families I have seen broken up due to these ideas. I don't doubt that the intent behind them is good, but in practice, the result can be just tragic.
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Old 11-17-2011, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by onlythetruth View Post
I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my opinion and my experience, this is one of the most serious dangers of promoting the idea that "only an alcoholic can understand an alcoholic" and "you need to put your recovery first, even ahead of your marriage and family". It's only a tiny leap from that, to "gee, I'd better get to the AA meeting two hours early rather than spend time with my kids....and wow, this girl I met in AA understands me so much better than my normie wife...."

I cannot count the number of families I have seen broken up due to these ideas. I don't doubt that the intent behind them is good, but in practice, the result can be just tragic.
This is explained in the link I posted earlier in this thread. It's told from the point of view of a recovering addict who had what they call "rehab relationships".
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Old 11-18-2011, 12:08 PM
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Smile

I know what you are going through, my soon to be X met someone in rehab and it carried over when he got out because i didn't understand him like her. He planed to see her every weekend until I called his Sponser and he told him not to go. He went to aa everynight and all weekend because that is what they told him to do, 1 hr before and 2 hours after I tried to reconnect with him but he became evil and mean and I was less then all of them, he became a selfish a$$. Then came the AA gf and he tried to bully me out of the house he finally left. I was a mess for a year then I got strong and angry and sat and thought about all the sh&t I put up with for 11 years and all the money he wasted on his bikes 80k in three years, and I am so much better and deserve better for myself, life is going great.. I am looking to but a new house when the divorce is final...believe me it will get better. I don't know if Alanon is for you or not that is up to you, it was not for me. I was at a point that I wanted to just end everything but I pulled myself up and I am so glad I did. I am glad he is gone out of my life because now all I have to take care of is me. I hope this helps a little. If you want to e-mail me feel free.

L
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:03 PM
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What a jerk. Sorry...couldn't resist. Continue taking care of you and your children and it will all work out for the best ((hugs))
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:03 PM
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My call to the treatment centre blew a big whistle on what was going on. His counsellors, etc. all told him to get better he needed to pull his head out of his a$$ and quick. He still doesn't know I called them. He called me to apologize and we made plans for the whole weekend as a family minus one evening for a meeting...without the girl. We have agreed that we will not make any life altering decisions until at least 3 months post treatment (6 months sober). So, we'll see what all happens in the meantime.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to get to Al-Anon due to unforeseen circumstances at work. I did see my counsellor however. I have decided that I need the following 4 things from my partner for this marriage to work:

I need him to be sober.
I need him to be faithful to me only - emotional and physical.
I need him to be trustworthy - no lies & the whole truth.
I need to be cherished.

If we work hard and I can't get those things, or if he's not willing to put the hard work in to get there, then I will let go so I don't get dragged

Thanks so much to everyone for helping to keep me sane when I was starting to lose hope
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:13 PM
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I need him to be sober.
I need him to be faithful to me only - emotional and physical.
I need him to be trustworthy - no lies & the whole truth.
I need to be cherished.
Thank you for this berrygirl.


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Old 11-18-2011, 04:30 PM
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I am sure that you understand that there is a big difference between what you need from him and what your bounderies are as they pertain to his actions.

You are heading in the right direction, keep your resolve and get to those meetings.

Thanks for the update.
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Old 11-19-2011, 04:18 PM
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Honestly anvilhead, after losing sight of so much of myself over these last years I know it may sound pretty basic and perhaps weak to others but just identifying my basic needs as opposed to what my partner has always needed, is a big step. Of course, in turn, these are now my demands. Obviously you must be way long gone past the steps I'm taking as this is my 5th post ever and you're up there at almost 14,000
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Old 11-19-2011, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by berrygirl View Post
Honestly anvilhead, after losing sight of so much of myself over these last years I know it may sound pretty basic and perhaps weak to others but just identifying my basic needs as opposed to what my partner has always needed, is a big step. Of course, in turn, these are now my demands. Obviously you must be way long gone past the steps I'm taking as this is my 5th post ever and you're up there at almost 14,000
Not to mention you are married to this guy and have 2 teenaged children with him.

Good luck to you, I hope it works out - keep talking to his treatment center if need be....use them to help you for as long as he's there.
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