Why do we stay?

Old 11-13-2011, 07:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
caughtup
Thread Starter
 
caughtup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
Why do we stay?

So, i've been reading over some past post and threads and like most of you, my relationship with my AH is just a cycle. I found that much of what went on a few years ago when I was a newbie is true today. Only thing is instead of leaving like I knew I should . . . I married him. So I ask you why do we stay?
caughtup is offline  
Old 11-13-2011, 07:12 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,725
Sometimes it's financial, sometimes it's fear of the unknown, sometimes it's just habit and not being able to see how awful it really is because we're too enmeshed in it. Lots of reasons. Why do you stay?
suki44883 is offline  
Old 11-13-2011, 07:47 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I think I stayed for a whole host of reasons... of which evolved with the evolution of my codependency.

I stayed initially because I was niave to alcoholism. I believed the "I'll settle down when..." stories. I believed he would "outgrow" the drinking when we got married - so I married him and bought a house together.

The drinking didn't stop... but I stay because I took a vow - "in sickness, and in health - til death do us part!" I did go to Al-anon - but I got my recovery all screwed up and mistook the "focus on me" for "I am the problem." So I stayed because I believed if I contort myself into the perfect wife - our marriage will get better and the drinking will go away.

So... basically my reasons boiled down to my denial.

When I came out of my denial - and truly accepted that it was alcoholism (and abuse) that I was up against - and I admitted my powerlessness - and I found boundaries and determined what I wanted FOR ME....

I got the strength to let go and leave. Al-anon (the second round!) got me out of my denial.
GettingBy is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 03:59 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by jds0401 View Post
I think I stayed this long for a variety of ACOA and codependency issues (with the ACOA issues being stronger for me but everyone is different).

ACOA/Childhood stuff I hold and am working on releasing: I stayed because I was afraid of getting old/becoming an old woman no one would want to be with and being alone (ironically the longer I stay the more relevant that worry becomes). I wanted to be viewed as perfect by friends and family. I didn't want to do the work of finding someone else. By being with an A I was able to keep my emotions hidden (the A certainly doesn't challenge you in that area since they're busy drinking/lying) and not have to deal with my own childhood issues (this is a huge part of it).

huh...well the above is mostly it...with a touch of this:

Codie issue: It's very easy to quickly forget the bad episodes and think things will be better when you're with a binger...they sober up a while and things are good and you get in denial hoping the rollercoaster won't swing down again...but it always seems to (I was hopeful with his first serious attempt at recovery/rehab but a relapse occurred and I'm not sure he's truly back on the horse).
Wow - I couldn't have said it better myself! This is pretty much why I've stayed - in a nutshell!

Yes - when it is good it is very very good - and when it is bad it is horrid. I honestly don't think we'd stay if it was horrible all of the time (unless we were physically trapped and had no resources). There are some really good things and most of the time I spend weighing out the bad with the good, and end up somewhere in the middle - on the fence - and indecisive.
tryintosmile is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 05:45 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
caughtup
Thread Starter
 
caughtup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
my reason

Originally Posted by tryintosmile View Post

Yes - when it is good it is very very good - and when it is bad it is horrid. I honestly don't think we'd stay if it was horrible all of the time (unless we were physically trapped and had no resources). There are some really good things and most of the time I spend weighing out the bad with the good, and end up somewhere in the middle - on the fence - and indecisive.
I agree I think that it has always been me sitting on the fence and being indecisive that has caused me to stay because while I am sitting on that fence, things "get better" so to speak. So while things are better, I slide down that fence and stay until the next problem occurs. For some reason (I guess because things had been so good and peaceful for soooooo long) I was so off the fence that I married him. I thought if he quit drinking it would be better until I read over some post about the "dry drunk" and I could see that in him. so here I am.
caughtup is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 05:51 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
caughtup
Thread Starter
 
caughtup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
my reason

Originally Posted by tryintosmile View Post

Yes - when it is good it is very very good - and when it is bad it is horrid. I honestly don't think we'd stay if it was horrible all of the time (unless we were physically trapped and had no resources). There are some really good things and most of the time I spend weighing out the bad with the good, and end up somewhere in the middle - on the fence - and indecisive.
I agree I think that it has always been me sitting on the fence and being indecisive that has caused me to stay because while I am sitting on that fence, things "get better" so to speak. So while things are better, I slide down that fence and stay until the next problem occurs. For some reason (I guess because things had been so good and peaceful for soooooo long) I was so off the fence that I married him. I thought if he quit drinking it would be better until I read over some post about the "dry drunk" and I could see that in him. so here I am.
caughtup is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 06:16 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
For me...it was a whole host of messed up, entangled reasons:
  • Fear of "being the bad buy" (i.e. the one who broke the other person's heart and walked away "in his time of need")
  • Fear of the unknown and of breaking known patterns
  • Fatigue/discouragement
  • Pride (not wanting to face my family and friends who all told me he was bad news)
  • The desire to fix/save/change "for his own good" (but really, for MY own good)
  • The love and responsibility I felt for his son, whom I raised like my own
  • Lack of money

In the end, I found I was just making excuses. I COULD leave. I just needed that extra kick in the @ss HP had to give me.
nodaybut2day is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 10:19 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
TeM
Member
 
TeM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
For me, it's a combination of fear and guilt. I know I didn't cause her drinking, but the guilt comes from what might happen to her if I leave. Pre-emptive guilt, I suppose.

I'm also afraid of the whole divorce quagmire. Our finances are a mess already... I can only imagine that getting worse after a divorce.
TeM is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 01:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
once in a . . .
 
BlueMoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I still love who I know he is when he's sober . . . and I still believe that he CAN do it (long-term sobriety) again this time after his last relapse . . . we've been together 20 years and I still believe . . . (I've also been in AA 20 yrs + have seen the miracles 1st hand)
BlueMoon is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 01:48 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Chaotically Peaceful
 
vujade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Hope. For me, it was hope. We had been together for so long. We have two beautiful boys. He kept saying the right things (while craftily hiding many of the things he was DOING). I really had hope that it would all work out in the end.

When I finally lost hope in him, I left and found it in myself.
vujade is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 01:52 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Chaotically Peaceful
 
vujade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Hope. For me, it was hope. We had been together for so long. We have two beautiful boys. He kept saying the right things (while craftily hiding many of the things he was DOING). I really had hope that it would all work out in the end.

When I finally lost hope in him, I left and found it in myself.
vujade is offline  
Old 11-14-2011, 01:57 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Fear and cheap.

Day to day living is not bad. He's a quiet alcoholic, no drama, just totters off to bed. I do my thing, have my activities, have detached from his drinking.

Fear of starting over at this age. Fear that adult children might step into codie role if I'm not here. Fear he'll get much worse and I'll feel guilty that leaving precipitated it.

I'm cheap: don't want to pay lawyers' fees, don't want to pay realtor's fees. We don't have a lot and half of it, less fees, will be tough. Not feeling young enough to start over again.

Not sure relative comfort will be exchanged for a better situation. I know what I have now, I don't know how much/if it can be better.

Hence my name: Well, now what?

And procrastination is a lifelong challenge. I identify with Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about it tomorrow!"
wellnowwhat is offline  
Old 11-15-2011, 06:19 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
caughtup
Thread Starter
 
caughtup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
the devil you know

Originally Posted by wellnowwhat View Post
Fear and cheap.

Day to day living is not bad. He's a quiet alcoholic, no drama, just totters off to bed. I do my thing, have my activities, have detached from his drinking.

Not sure relative comfort will be exchanged for a better situation. I know what I have now, I don't know how much/if it can be better.

Hence my name: Well, now what?

And procrastination is a lifelong challenge. I identify with Scarlett O'Hara "I'll think about it tomorrow!"
I think this is some of it for me too. Most of the time he is a "quiet drunk" in fact no one can really tell he is drunk. I don't have to lie to cover up anything. No one suspects anything. He just drinks non-stop. all day, everyday. And then sometimes he will just up and catch me off guard ya know and BAM there we are in a fight and I have no idea what the hell happened. He doesn't get violent, but does repeat those patterns of manipulation etc .... but its what I know
caughtup is offline  
Old 11-15-2011, 08:01 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
For me it was a few things.

The reasons I could articulate at the time were...

Obligation. I felt like you get married, you stay married. (Actually I didn't feel this way when I got married - I felt this way after I had kids). You suck it up and get through life, accept your situation, be happy with what you got, and make the best of it. You figure it out. You make it work.

Kids. I felt like I was throwing them under the bus if I left. I can see where that was not healthy thinking now but it was where I was at the time. The fear and guilt I had built up over this issue was enormous and paralizing.

The things I could not articulate but that I see in hindsight are:

I felt like it wasn't that bad and I was being a big baby. I didn't have a 'reason' to be so angry and unhappy so I didn't give myself permission to deal with it.

I did not have emotional boundaries. His pain, discomfort, suffering affected me very deeply in ways I did not understand. I would have said it was empathy at the time but it wasn't, it was lack of emotional boundaries. I didn't even recognize, identify, or ponder my own feelings. While there was total enmeshment in some ways there was very very rigid boundaries in other ways which prevented any kind of real trust or emotional intimacy. Despite the years we were together, family and life we shared, I did not feel a strong connection with him.

I knew I did not have that 'happy marriage' and it wasn't so much that I felt I wasn't worth it but I just felt like that was for other people, not me. It wasn't something I could wish for or expect and I accepted that I'd never have it so I had to figure out how to be happy with the way things were. I still feel that way actually and even though I can identfy that now and intellecutualize it away, it is still there on a feeling level.

The man I had in real life was not the man that lived in my head. That led to enormous confusion and vulnerability (to emotional abuse) on my part and even with hindsight I find it hard to believe that I was in that spot.

I still a long ways to go.
Thumper is offline  
Old 11-15-2011, 11:11 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I stayed in a marriage for 39 yrs we were but kids when we married and from the very beginning I knew something was not quite right in our marriage and it wasn't just the drinking. I walked into the fantasy world of romance novels and movies thinking that would be my marriage instead of opening my eyes to see what really was happening around me. Family and friends tried to warn me but I would defend him to the death of me because I felt when they attacked him they were attacking me! I had two children over five years of marriage, became a Christian shortly after they were born so the very thought of divorce I couldn't even go there. There was a time I thought I would just settle for the hand I was dealt until my Xah got to the end stages of alcoholism about 6 yrs ago. For those of you whose husbands are not to that stage yet and you think you can handle whatever comes I too at one time thought that way as well. Fear became my motivator seeing he was drunk 24/7 but by now his brain is so damaged even when he was somewhat sober that man you use to be married to is no longer there. They will go through detox on their own because they don't remember what it was like the last time they went through it so they vomit, fall, bleed, seriously hurt themselves, don't eat for days, walk around like a mummy half dead, don't sleep and I could go on and on it is the most horrifying thing to witness much less live year after year like that until all you can do is think I need to find a place of peace and normalcy which in the end was divorcing him. He had been through rehab twice, detox unit a number of times, emergency room a number of times begging him to choose life but he could not so I decided I would not be around to watch him die. We have been divorced now for 3 months and he moved out of the house 2 months ago and I come home to peace and serenity, not a filthy house, no awful smell of vodka, no snoring drunken man on my sofa but there isn't a time I'm not lifting up a prayer for him that he would hit his bottom and God grab a hold on his life.
fedup3 is offline  
Old 11-15-2011, 01:00 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
TeM
Member
 
TeM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
so they vomit, fall, bleed, seriously hurt themselves, don't eat for days, walk around like a mummy half dead, don't sleep
It's really painful watching someone you've shared your life with turn into a person you don't even know any more. Last night I came home and found AW lying on the floor, half conscious, drooling drunk.

I asked her if she was hurt, and when she said no, I told her to just stay down there and tossed her a pillow. She spent the night on the floor.
TeM is offline  
Old 11-15-2011, 01:21 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
I have kept on looking at this thread, and Fedup's response to it,mine much the same,I was 40 years old when I met AH(now XAH),but from very beginning knew something was wrong, but never knew how to articulate it, it came down to one simple fact for me, 'he scared me silly',intimidating threats,and much more,and not only from him , but also his family member's too.

I started to go to Al-anon and started to get my self esteem back,I dont think they saved my life,I knew they did.

I am so grateful today I have peace and serenity,well most days,except for the occassional blip I had a few weeks ago,finding SR forum helped me get calm again and stay strong.

Thank you for letting me share
jOSE2 is offline  
Old 11-17-2011, 11:31 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Leonard, Michigan
Posts: 49
I stay because like BlueMoon, i too love who he is when he's sober, & i believe recovery is possible. I don't trust or fall under false hope anymore-i am at a place currently where i am ok. I can still feel sad about the past that was good, but no longer yearn for it & let it eat me up.

I've also had a lot of panic/anxiety that started in early childhood, & to be completely alone, i don't believe i could handle it. This could be out of my hands someday of course, but i won't choose it.
cslaurie is offline  
Old 11-17-2011, 12:04 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I stayed until the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. Once I hit that point it was simple.

Your friend,
m1k3 is offline  
Old 11-27-2011, 09:12 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
For me:

I stay because it's hard to give up hope.
I also stay because after almost 20 yrs of being told I can't do anything on my own ....very overtly...of course.... you believe it.

I dream of leaving.....but I don't know if I ever will.
blwninthewind is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:01 AM.