I'm new here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
I'm new here.
Hi everyone. I found this site through someone I know from another message board. I'm not sure how to begin, so I guess I'll begin at the beginning. 
In fall of 2000, I met my now husband. We instantly fell in love. After the first date, I just knew as did he. We had both been around the block, I had been married to an abusive man prior and had, at the time, a 7 year old daughter. I had been divorced over a year when I met John. After three weeks, he moved in, after two months we were married. I found out I was pregnant after we had been married for two months. He was a partier when I met him. I enjoyed a few drinks if we went out. He would spend evenings drinking while we hung out, it never bothered me until he got annoying. He would stand at the foot of the bed while I would be reading and just talk and talk and talk. He was and is never mean, verbally or physically abusive. He is a manipulator and I know that now.
After our first baby was born, he quit drinking cold turkey. No looking back. He was a wonderful, doting father. I got pregnant again and had our second child and we still did not drink. Life was good, we were poor but in love and adored our children. When our youngest was about three, we started going out again. He would drink a couple of drinks and I would drive. Or vice versa. There was never any excess. On his part, it started to sneak up without me noticing that he would have just one more than last time. We started drinking at home. Never at the same time because of the kids. We'd alternate who's turn it was to drink. I'd always have two or three and be done. He'd have four or five, then as time went by, six or eight. It got to a point that he would be beligerent, rude, drunk, really. I didn't like him. I wasn't being treated poorly, I just didn't care for him when he was drinking.
I began complaing about his drinking, we began fighting with me about it, he would say he was a grown up, it wasn't affecting his work, the kids, etc. so he was fine. It wasn't affecting his work, the kids, etc. but it was affecting me. I didn't like him when he drank. He was a jerk, to put it plainly. He'd immerse himself in his computer games and ignore me, we had to plan our sex lives around the drinking. He would drink, pass out sitting up at the computer and I would be so digusted I'd leave him there. (after a year or more of trying to rouse him to bring him to bed) He started lying about how much he was drinking, he began making his own beer and then wine. I'd catch him gulping down a full glass of wine before pouring another. He liked to buy the boxed wine, I think to try and hide how much he was drinking.
I'm not innocent in all of this. After awhile, I decided, if you can't beat em, join em. I started drinking, too. I never had more than three or four and I never got drunk. I don't like to be drunk, it's not my thing. On special occasions, I'd get tipsy, New Year's, etc. just to be clear. After more than a year of this, he just got worse and worse. Peeing the bed, we went through three mattresses, he'd pass out on the floor of the bathroom, after puking his guts out. It was hell.
In November of 2008 around Thanksgiving, I tried giving him an ultimatum, me and the kids or the booze. He took his computer, some clothes and left. I went to get him the next day, like a dummy. Hide sight and all that. He was apologetic, etc. blah blah blah. He came home, started drinking less, but wouldn't stop or admit he had a problem. He left us again seven days before Christmas 2008. He went on a three day bender, drinking, smoking pot, visiting an old female friend that was known for having any kind of drug you'd ever want. After a few days, I went to where he was staying at one of the apartments in the building we own. We talked, he apologized, we cried, I stayed with him there fr two days while my parents watched the kids. He promised he'd stop drinking, etc. And he did, for a year. I have two different chronic conditions and happen to be allergic to opiates, so all I can take for it is NSAIDS. I would occasionally smoke a few puffs of weed to help with my pain. He began smoking with me, and smoking more and more. Still only in the evening, but still getting out of control, just the same. After 6 months or so, I'd had enough. No more weed, I stopped smoking, he did, too. He started drinking again.
He said he could control it, he did for awhile and then, inevitably, it got out of control again. Peeing the bed, puking, passing out, denying he passed out only to get up and drink more. During all of this he was never abusive physically, not sure about verbally. He never berated me, made me feel bad, he's always loved me, said I was his soulmate, etc. I adore him. He adores me. I want to die in his arms. But I'd had enough. We had discussed eating heathier, exercising, him stopping drinking, me stopping smoking cigarettes. He was on board until it came time to actually DO it. He quit drinking without looking back for two months. Not a drop. And then....
He'd ask if he could just get two big beers. He wouldn't be drunk, he'd be fine, he needed something to destress. My dumb butt said okay because, honestly, I didn't want to deal with him if I didn't agree. He'd get in a black mood, not want to spend time with me, be short with me, etc. Manipulator. I know this.
In the past few weeks those two big beers became a six pack, a six pack and a big beer, a six pack a big beer and a shot of vodka. You know the pattern. Work is becoming more stressful this time of year- we're small business owners and this is the most stressful time for us until April. His excuse, my excuse for his drinking now. After trying again to quit and/or only having two big beers (4 regular ones) he was getting nasty about it, saying it wasn't fair for me to give him limits, etc. when he asked me what I would think he could handle other than nothing. He's done this for years, sort of made me give him limits, the number of drinks that are acceptable, what have you.
On Friday, he was at one of our offices working on the computers, stressing out (he has no capacity to handle stress, btw) he called me at 10pm, said he was heading home to text him a list of things I needed at the grocery store. I had been freaking out because my parents are coming and my mom is a neat freak. I'd been cleaning like a madwoman and venting to him about it and him to me about work. We were leaving today for our annual convention, too. So it all had to get done. Anyway, he was going to the grocery and coming home he said. At some point during the evening, he went to the store, bought half a pint of Vodka and his "two big beers". Now he had said to me he was coming home to snuggle and watch TV. This is code for us fooling around. lol He doesn't drink if I want to fool around because he can't perform. He never mentioned getting booze. On the way home, he drank the Vodka. WTF?! Totally out of character. He got a DUI when he was 18 and again at 19, btw and didn't drive again until he was 29. He was totally against it-wouldn'y have a sip and drive.
Well he lost his mind Friday night. He drank a half pint on the hour long drive home and then just never came home. I never dreamed he would do this again. At 1am, I called his Dad asking him what to do, I was freaking out, thinking he had hit a deer and was dead somewhere. At 2am, I got up the kids, and we went out looking for him. DH's mother came from her way and we met up and drove the road he was taking from 2:30am until 6:30am, called the police who wouldn't help, called all the hospitals, etc. he was nowhere to be found. I was sure he had falled asleep, etc. and had driven over a hill and was dead or dying alone. He wasn't he'd gone on a bender with complete strangers and the dregs of the town. When we finally found him at noon the next day, he was still trashed, at our office, sitting up, covered in vomit and ****. He was yelling at me that he wanted a divorce that he wanted his freedom, had had enough of my ultimatum and that if he wanted to drink he would. I managed to get him home after his mother took the kids for the night. He showered, ate, and slept for 6 hours. He stunk, you know that smell that oozes from their pores. It makes me sick. He made me sick. But, I took a vow and I love him no matter waht. And I really do.
Boy, this is long. I need to go pick up my parents at the airport, I'll be back.
In fall of 2000, I met my now husband. We instantly fell in love. After the first date, I just knew as did he. We had both been around the block, I had been married to an abusive man prior and had, at the time, a 7 year old daughter. I had been divorced over a year when I met John. After three weeks, he moved in, after two months we were married. I found out I was pregnant after we had been married for two months. He was a partier when I met him. I enjoyed a few drinks if we went out. He would spend evenings drinking while we hung out, it never bothered me until he got annoying. He would stand at the foot of the bed while I would be reading and just talk and talk and talk. He was and is never mean, verbally or physically abusive. He is a manipulator and I know that now.
After our first baby was born, he quit drinking cold turkey. No looking back. He was a wonderful, doting father. I got pregnant again and had our second child and we still did not drink. Life was good, we were poor but in love and adored our children. When our youngest was about three, we started going out again. He would drink a couple of drinks and I would drive. Or vice versa. There was never any excess. On his part, it started to sneak up without me noticing that he would have just one more than last time. We started drinking at home. Never at the same time because of the kids. We'd alternate who's turn it was to drink. I'd always have two or three and be done. He'd have four or five, then as time went by, six or eight. It got to a point that he would be beligerent, rude, drunk, really. I didn't like him. I wasn't being treated poorly, I just didn't care for him when he was drinking.
I began complaing about his drinking, we began fighting with me about it, he would say he was a grown up, it wasn't affecting his work, the kids, etc. so he was fine. It wasn't affecting his work, the kids, etc. but it was affecting me. I didn't like him when he drank. He was a jerk, to put it plainly. He'd immerse himself in his computer games and ignore me, we had to plan our sex lives around the drinking. He would drink, pass out sitting up at the computer and I would be so digusted I'd leave him there. (after a year or more of trying to rouse him to bring him to bed) He started lying about how much he was drinking, he began making his own beer and then wine. I'd catch him gulping down a full glass of wine before pouring another. He liked to buy the boxed wine, I think to try and hide how much he was drinking.
I'm not innocent in all of this. After awhile, I decided, if you can't beat em, join em. I started drinking, too. I never had more than three or four and I never got drunk. I don't like to be drunk, it's not my thing. On special occasions, I'd get tipsy, New Year's, etc. just to be clear. After more than a year of this, he just got worse and worse. Peeing the bed, we went through three mattresses, he'd pass out on the floor of the bathroom, after puking his guts out. It was hell.
In November of 2008 around Thanksgiving, I tried giving him an ultimatum, me and the kids or the booze. He took his computer, some clothes and left. I went to get him the next day, like a dummy. Hide sight and all that. He was apologetic, etc. blah blah blah. He came home, started drinking less, but wouldn't stop or admit he had a problem. He left us again seven days before Christmas 2008. He went on a three day bender, drinking, smoking pot, visiting an old female friend that was known for having any kind of drug you'd ever want. After a few days, I went to where he was staying at one of the apartments in the building we own. We talked, he apologized, we cried, I stayed with him there fr two days while my parents watched the kids. He promised he'd stop drinking, etc. And he did, for a year. I have two different chronic conditions and happen to be allergic to opiates, so all I can take for it is NSAIDS. I would occasionally smoke a few puffs of weed to help with my pain. He began smoking with me, and smoking more and more. Still only in the evening, but still getting out of control, just the same. After 6 months or so, I'd had enough. No more weed, I stopped smoking, he did, too. He started drinking again.
He said he could control it, he did for awhile and then, inevitably, it got out of control again. Peeing the bed, puking, passing out, denying he passed out only to get up and drink more. During all of this he was never abusive physically, not sure about verbally. He never berated me, made me feel bad, he's always loved me, said I was his soulmate, etc. I adore him. He adores me. I want to die in his arms. But I'd had enough. We had discussed eating heathier, exercising, him stopping drinking, me stopping smoking cigarettes. He was on board until it came time to actually DO it. He quit drinking without looking back for two months. Not a drop. And then....
He'd ask if he could just get two big beers. He wouldn't be drunk, he'd be fine, he needed something to destress. My dumb butt said okay because, honestly, I didn't want to deal with him if I didn't agree. He'd get in a black mood, not want to spend time with me, be short with me, etc. Manipulator. I know this.
In the past few weeks those two big beers became a six pack, a six pack and a big beer, a six pack a big beer and a shot of vodka. You know the pattern. Work is becoming more stressful this time of year- we're small business owners and this is the most stressful time for us until April. His excuse, my excuse for his drinking now. After trying again to quit and/or only having two big beers (4 regular ones) he was getting nasty about it, saying it wasn't fair for me to give him limits, etc. when he asked me what I would think he could handle other than nothing. He's done this for years, sort of made me give him limits, the number of drinks that are acceptable, what have you.
On Friday, he was at one of our offices working on the computers, stressing out (he has no capacity to handle stress, btw) he called me at 10pm, said he was heading home to text him a list of things I needed at the grocery store. I had been freaking out because my parents are coming and my mom is a neat freak. I'd been cleaning like a madwoman and venting to him about it and him to me about work. We were leaving today for our annual convention, too. So it all had to get done. Anyway, he was going to the grocery and coming home he said. At some point during the evening, he went to the store, bought half a pint of Vodka and his "two big beers". Now he had said to me he was coming home to snuggle and watch TV. This is code for us fooling around. lol He doesn't drink if I want to fool around because he can't perform. He never mentioned getting booze. On the way home, he drank the Vodka. WTF?! Totally out of character. He got a DUI when he was 18 and again at 19, btw and didn't drive again until he was 29. He was totally against it-wouldn'y have a sip and drive.
Well he lost his mind Friday night. He drank a half pint on the hour long drive home and then just never came home. I never dreamed he would do this again. At 1am, I called his Dad asking him what to do, I was freaking out, thinking he had hit a deer and was dead somewhere. At 2am, I got up the kids, and we went out looking for him. DH's mother came from her way and we met up and drove the road he was taking from 2:30am until 6:30am, called the police who wouldn't help, called all the hospitals, etc. he was nowhere to be found. I was sure he had falled asleep, etc. and had driven over a hill and was dead or dying alone. He wasn't he'd gone on a bender with complete strangers and the dregs of the town. When we finally found him at noon the next day, he was still trashed, at our office, sitting up, covered in vomit and ****. He was yelling at me that he wanted a divorce that he wanted his freedom, had had enough of my ultimatum and that if he wanted to drink he would. I managed to get him home after his mother took the kids for the night. He showered, ate, and slept for 6 hours. He stunk, you know that smell that oozes from their pores. It makes me sick. He made me sick. But, I took a vow and I love him no matter waht. And I really do.
Boy, this is long. I need to go pick up my parents at the airport, I'll be back.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Fowl,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us, although sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. My recommendation is to read the "stickies" at the top of this forum.
We always like to remind our newcomers of the 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is learn about the disease, perhaps find some Al Anon meetings in your area, and in time make the best possible decisions for yourself and your children.
Again, welcome. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for here.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us, although sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. My recommendation is to read the "stickies" at the top of this forum.
We always like to remind our newcomers of the 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is learn about the disease, perhaps find some Al Anon meetings in your area, and in time make the best possible decisions for yourself and your children.
Again, welcome. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, fowlplay (cool name, btw).
Wow...what a story. It does creep up on people. Like Cats says above, Al-Anon is very helpful in circumstances like this. If you stay, or if you leave, either way it will help immensely.
Stay strong and keep coming back.
~T
Wow...what a story. It does creep up on people. Like Cats says above, Al-Anon is very helpful in circumstances like this. If you stay, or if you leave, either way it will help immensely.
Stay strong and keep coming back.
~T
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I see many similarities in your story and mine. I understand how it sneaks up on you and you wake up to a life you don't recognize. It's like the frog in a pot. The frog never feels the heat rising until it is a rapid boil.
I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. We understand, and you are not alone.
One of my favorite sticky (older permanent) posts is this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
this contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism.
Let us know how we can help you.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family. I see many similarities in your story and mine. I understand how it sneaks up on you and you wake up to a life you don't recognize. It's like the frog in a pot. The frog never feels the heat rising until it is a rapid boil.
I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. We understand, and you are not alone.
One of my favorite sticky (older permanent) posts is this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
this contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism.
Let us know how we can help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
Thank You for the welcome
I had this whole reply typed out but my phone deleted it. Ugh. I've read the links, thank you. I will update more tomorrow.
Dh went to a conference yesterday and I chose not to go with him because I'm very angry and hurt right now. We had a long talk Saturday and he tried to blame his bender on how I've been distant and not wanting to spend time with him lately. I told him that none of what has been happening in our marriage gave him the right to just not come home one night and stay out binging. We want to try and work on our marriage and both agreed to do that, but as soon as we finished our conversation he opened a beer! I ignored it for once instead if getting mad. It made him vomit after a few sips I'm guessing he ended up with alcohol poisoning from his binge?? Any rate, he called this evening from after the conference, drunk. Trying to egg me on saying he was going to a strip joint because I didn't come with him to the conference. I told him that he was being mean and antagonistic and that I wasn't playing along tonight. He actually said, well I'm just not sure that this marriage is going to work out after all. Why? Because I refuse to be teased and made to feel bad? I won't rise to the bait? Is this abuse? Or am I being dramatic? I'm so confused because he's never nasty like this. I swear it's because I ddbt just pick right up and go with him. When I told him I was still upset, he actually asked why! I love him but I don't want to have to play his games trying to make me feel bad anymore. I refuse to kiss his butt. I want this to work but not if he's going to try and make me angry or upset. He's acting like a child who didnt get his way. Because I didn't go, he's drinking and trying to cause a fight?
I need honest opinions, ideas, feedback, anything. I don't want a divorce but I want to happy and in love like we are when he's not drunk. Help please.
I had this whole reply typed out but my phone deleted it. Ugh. I've read the links, thank you. I will update more tomorrow. Dh went to a conference yesterday and I chose not to go with him because I'm very angry and hurt right now. We had a long talk Saturday and he tried to blame his bender on how I've been distant and not wanting to spend time with him lately. I told him that none of what has been happening in our marriage gave him the right to just not come home one night and stay out binging. We want to try and work on our marriage and both agreed to do that, but as soon as we finished our conversation he opened a beer! I ignored it for once instead if getting mad. It made him vomit after a few sips I'm guessing he ended up with alcohol poisoning from his binge?? Any rate, he called this evening from after the conference, drunk. Trying to egg me on saying he was going to a strip joint because I didn't come with him to the conference. I told him that he was being mean and antagonistic and that I wasn't playing along tonight. He actually said, well I'm just not sure that this marriage is going to work out after all. Why? Because I refuse to be teased and made to feel bad? I won't rise to the bait? Is this abuse? Or am I being dramatic? I'm so confused because he's never nasty like this. I swear it's because I ddbt just pick right up and go with him. When I told him I was still upset, he actually asked why! I love him but I don't want to have to play his games trying to make me feel bad anymore. I refuse to kiss his butt. I want this to work but not if he's going to try and make me angry or upset. He's acting like a child who didnt get his way. Because I didn't go, he's drinking and trying to cause a fight?
I need honest opinions, ideas, feedback, anything. I don't want a divorce but I want to happy and in love like we are when he's not drunk. Help please.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He is doing what alcoholics do: drink, lie, manipulate, drink, blame-shift, deny, drink, manipulate, gas-light, drink, etc.
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse - not better. Alcoholism does not go away. It is treatable, but requires the alcoholic embracing recovery as if their life depends upon the success of the recovery - because their life does depend on the success of the recovery.
He is/will continue to blame his troubles on you. The alcoholic needs you to feel his guilt (blame-shifting) and therefore force (manipulate) you into accepting unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic wants to protect the addiction, at all cost.
I learned about the three C's of addiction when I came to this site. It took a while for me to finally wrap my head around them and accept the power they offer:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the addict. You did not force your AH to drink, misbehave, avoid responsibility, deny, etc. He as an adult made these choices all by himself.
Keep reading and posting.....we understand
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse - not better. Alcoholism does not go away. It is treatable, but requires the alcoholic embracing recovery as if their life depends upon the success of the recovery - because their life does depend on the success of the recovery.
He is/will continue to blame his troubles on you. The alcoholic needs you to feel his guilt (blame-shifting) and therefore force (manipulate) you into accepting unacceptable behavior. The alcoholic wants to protect the addiction, at all cost.
I learned about the three C's of addiction when I came to this site. It took a while for me to finally wrap my head around them and accept the power they offer:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the addict. You did not force your AH to drink, misbehave, avoid responsibility, deny, etc. He as an adult made these choices all by himself.
Keep reading and posting.....we understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
He said he will not go to counseling or AA. He said that *I* need counseling for my depression, and that if I wanted to go to counseling I could. Where do I go from here? He's not here, he's at the conference and I feel so serene with him gone, but the thought of him coming home and drinking again is making me crazy. We have a family dinner with my parents, his parents on Saturday. I know he'll want to drink. How do I handle it when he wants to drink and asks me what I think about it? And if I do say I don't want him to do it, but it's not my choice and he chooses to drink, how do I handle that? He will come home and drink with my parents, I know he will. I am a mess right now. I really want to tell him to just leave, but I have no way of supporting me and the kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
Waking them up was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I was thinking that the dinner would be a good time, but I don't want the kids around. I don't know if my parents would help. They live in FL and I live in WV. I hate to ask them because I put myself in this position, you know? I really wish that I had left him at the office Saturday. Or when he told me he was tired of my issues with his drinking, I should have told him to leave. When I told him I wouldn't be married to him anymore if he was still going to drink, I wish I had followed through.
It's easy to have strength while he's out of state and not home. I know when he gets home I won't have as much because, despite all of it, I still love him.
It's easy to have strength while he's out of state and not home. I know when he gets home I won't have as much because, despite all of it, I still love him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I have experience with divorce, with children, with an alcoholic.
I've been around this block a time or two.
I married before I was 20. We had two children together. I did not know anything about alcoholism. I just knew that my husband spent all his time drinking with a buddy and they were often playing pool at strip clubs. After my husband got a dui, I got tired of the same old same old. My youngest child was 1 and my parents lived overseas. I decided I needed a better life for myself and my children. I filed for divorce.
A couple years later. I repeat the cycle. I marry an alcoholic (still did not understand alcoholism) but this guy didn't ever go to bars or strip clubs! Bonus points! The alcoholism came and went. Each time it came back it progressed. I left after 14 years (and another child) because of another incident of drinking, driving home, lying and losing control of body functions. By this time, my parents were deceased, I had been a SAHM for 12 years, and I didn't live near any family.
I can't tell you what to do with your situation. I had a lot of choices to make and a lot of unanswered questions about my future in leaving both those relationships.
I recommend a free legal consultation (or two) to find out what your rights are as a parent and wife of an alcoholic. I would take any documentation you have of dui, rehab, bar reciepts, etc. to your consultation. Find out what the local laws are and how the courts in your community lean on divorce decisions.
Your in-laws live in your community. Have you considered asking your AH to stay with them when he returns? I asked my AH for some space and some time so that I could figure some things out. It helps not having the loved one in your personal space while you are trying to make important decisions about your personal future.
I've been around this block a time or two.
I married before I was 20. We had two children together. I did not know anything about alcoholism. I just knew that my husband spent all his time drinking with a buddy and they were often playing pool at strip clubs. After my husband got a dui, I got tired of the same old same old. My youngest child was 1 and my parents lived overseas. I decided I needed a better life for myself and my children. I filed for divorce.
A couple years later. I repeat the cycle. I marry an alcoholic (still did not understand alcoholism) but this guy didn't ever go to bars or strip clubs! Bonus points! The alcoholism came and went. Each time it came back it progressed. I left after 14 years (and another child) because of another incident of drinking, driving home, lying and losing control of body functions. By this time, my parents were deceased, I had been a SAHM for 12 years, and I didn't live near any family.
I can't tell you what to do with your situation. I had a lot of choices to make and a lot of unanswered questions about my future in leaving both those relationships.
I recommend a free legal consultation (or two) to find out what your rights are as a parent and wife of an alcoholic. I would take any documentation you have of dui, rehab, bar reciepts, etc. to your consultation. Find out what the local laws are and how the courts in your community lean on divorce decisions.
Your in-laws live in your community. Have you considered asking your AH to stay with them when he returns? I asked my AH for some space and some time so that I could figure some things out. It helps not having the loved one in your personal space while you are trying to make important decisions about your personal future.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
