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Was your spouse drinking when you 1st met them?

Old 11-13-2011, 02:54 PM
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Was your spouse drinking when you 1st met them?

I havent been on here for awhile. But took sometime today and read thru some post. Guess, I got intrigued to write this post after reading some of them and dealing with a recent friend in an alcohol relationship...

Question: Was your spouse drinking when you 1st met them?

Now, that I look back, mine was and so did I. We would go out every
other Friday night and have a couple of drinks.

But his continued thru the week..

""The night caps, The stressful day cocktail,
The I worked hard drink, The celebration bottle""

Looking back, every drink, had a reason, a name or a cause...

So was he mean, complusive, cheating, dishonest, dysfunctional back then?
I would have to answer YES to a few of them.
Was I in denial of them, YES
Did I see it all, NO
Was I un-educated in alcohlism, YES
Did I think he was going to change, YES

Did he change? YES< Alcoholism progresses & it did what it was suppose to do...

So many of us, have wonderful spouses
or wonderful friendships, then when alcoholism takes over that person.
We blame it all on alcoholism or that person.
We are shocked by their behavior, We are devastated and
have broken hearts & souls.

But I have asked myself:

(1) Did I ever really know him, when he wasnt drinking or
as a sober healthy individual?

(2) What was he like when he was sober? Guess until I hear
it from his mother what he was like as a teenager. I will never know.

It passes thru my mind, that I sometimes forget, that he was drinking
when we first met...

Have I changed? Yes. If I ever meet someone again, I will see the red
flags and run like hell.....

I have been digging deep to answer some of my own questions
This one really has helped me, so I thought I would share...

Love To All....
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:15 PM
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Yes mine did but it progressed and he added other substances from guys he met in the neighborhood....methodone pills and he later grew pot. I thought I could love him well- nope- did not work.I just got crazy and overreacted and got controlling and insane. Mine had so many bad consequences but it didn't phase him- lost job, left 3 treatment centers, jail, lost drivers licsence- we seperated went back together seperated several times and finally divorced. Four years later I am good.
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:20 PM
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Great post thanks...and yes mine drank when i met him and progressed as well.
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:32 PM
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Well, let me put it this way:
  • I met him at a bar
  • He was two hours late for our first date "pre-gaming"
  • He passed out on our fourth date leaving me to sleep in his car because I couldn't drive stickshift
  • I wrote in my diary a month after I met him "I know this relationship can't last because he's an alcoholic".... fast forward 37 years...


So, YES I knew he was alcoholic when I met him. No question. The question is, what was up with my own behavior?? Why did I even go out with the guy when he was more than 10 minutes late for our first date?? That's what I ask myself.
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Old 11-13-2011, 04:20 PM
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Truly a great post BobbyJ.

I used to really enjoy going to the wine bar with XA on Friday night. In the beginning it was so much fun. The conversation was always filled with warmth and laughter. Friday was payday for most of us, we were all in a good mood, looking forward to the weekend..........

Never in a million years would I have guessed that things would escalate to the level they did.

I agree about the red flags, I can spot an alkie from across the room. It still makes me cringe to see. I have also learned to spot who the alkie is with, she/he is the one in the corner shaking her head and looking very sad. He/she is the one making excuses to their friends as to why they need to leave early. They are the couple in the corner arguing about the car keys.


To this day, I cannot answer why I put up with that crap for so long.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:24 PM
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My ex-AH always drank too much, but we were young and I did too sometimes. I can see now, in hindsight though, that he was always obsessed with where the drinks were when we went out, etc. Our first trip together we drove from Portland to San Francisco in a day. We got there in the evening and I was hungry and tired. He made me go to three different restaurants until we found one that served a "fine ale", not just cheap Bud or Miller. I was angry at the time, but let it go. There were a lot of incidents like that in our first years together, but I still didn't see the alcoholic craziness that was to come.

Even last night, I was looking at pictures of us in 2007 and thinking I can't believe that I was happy with him that recently. In 2007 I would have never in a million years thought I would be a divorced single mom of two in 2011.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:34 PM
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Yes, he was drinking then. I thought it was socially, but I now have two sets of memories: the way I thought things were and the way I look back in hindsight after realizing he is alcoholic. I didn't come from an alcoholic family, but even so I wonder now how I missed some of the red flags.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:45 PM
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That is the way it was with me. He drank but I didn't realize how bad it was or was it that I didn't want to know? Then I moved in and found out that it wasn't just drinking on the weekend and the things I overlooked. Still I married him, we had a long peaceful time. I thought things were better, he didn't stop drinking just arguing about everything . So here I am ... Working on my peace
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Old 11-13-2011, 10:40 PM
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Nope. Not a drop.

We were high school sweethearts, and it wasn't until he joined the fraternity in college a couple years later that he first indulged. His family has always been very anti-alcohol (very conservative and religious). It wasn't until much later that he went off the deep end.

I never saw it coming, and no one else did either.
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Old 11-13-2011, 10:57 PM
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*laughing* Yeah. The very first time I met XAH, he was so drunk he didn't move off the couch at the party we were at. The second time we met, he was drunk. So drunk he fell over the net at the tennis court-just walking, not trying to do the run and jump over to show how cool and athletic he was-just walking and 'Oh, where'd that come from?'

I completely fooled myself even then. 'He's been training and not drinking, so it hit him hard.' 'He went out with the guys after the game, he just over did it a little.'

After we'd been together a while, he'd tell me stories about sneaking out to the living room to 'clean up' the drinks left (ewwwww) after a party his parents threw when he was - maybe not little - but really young. Often. Somehow I translated that into a very Leave it to Beaver-esque cautionary tale on the perils of kids sneaking a few at their parents' party.

Right after I let him move in with me, he fell out of our bed, gashed his head on my nightstand and was completely incoherent. He told me it was the cold medicine he took and not eating. Then the head knock was blamed for the slurred and nonsense talk.

I've also asked myself if I ever knew a sober him. Wondered just how far back I'd have to go... Rather pointless, IMHO right now, just like wondering what life would have been like if I'd never gone out with him, or stayed away from him ONE of the many times I left him....

Would I see it now? Probably. I'm actually kind of afraid that I'll see red flags where there are none. Or that I'll think I'm over-sensitive thanks to him and ignore them... So I still have a lot of work to do with myself and why I'd have stuck with him.
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Old 11-14-2011, 01:57 AM
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The woman I have been involved with for three years I met upstairs at a party. Hardly anyone turned up, but those who did left early and left their beers which she seemed rather excited about. I guess I knew it was not normal behaviour on the first night. She showed up drunk on my doorstep a couple of months later and asked me out for some drinks. I went along with it. I had been single for four years recovering from a 16 year abusive relationship. I was flattered that a gorgeous woman 10 years my junior was saying all these things about what a nice kind guy I was.

Three years later I haven't spoken to her in the past two months or so. I got sick of the police station rescues and hospital runs and court dramas. I had the abusive text messages for a while but they seem to have subsided.

So, yes I did realise. I guess I was desperate. I seem to equate abuse to love. I think it comes from my childhood experiences. I'm still saddened by this all, but I can see I am better off alone at the moment. Maybe a healthier relationship might present itself in future. I'm learning.... I think.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:50 AM
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Yes,she was drinking when I met her. I am an ACOA and grew up in a blue collar city neighborhood. Hard drinking was just part of the lifestyle. Looking back I can see she was a functional A the whole time. But we married young and both of us enjoyed it. I have to admit that I skated pretty close to the edge a few times but I always backed off. It wasn't until 15 to 20 years later that it started to get bad.

Why did I stay so long? I guess it was because I put so much of myself into the marriage. I read a quote that says the person who put the most into the marriage has the most to loose. That pretty much covers it.
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Old 11-14-2011, 07:53 AM
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Yep, my XAH drank when we first met. Heck, our first date, he hit me up for some money, saying he was "tight on cash", drank two JDs and cokes and smoked like a chimney, claiming he was "stressed" and having a hard time....a lovely preview of things to come.

Looking back, I know I was searching for some so [email protected] he could easily extricate me from the situation I'd put myself in and "protect me" from...all those things I was afraid of...and I certainly got what I was looking for, and more. Nowadays, I realize that I lived in fear because fear was my comfort zone, but that there really wasn't anything I couldn't handle myself.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:05 AM
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Yes, my AH drank when we first met. Most of our first dates were at bars or involved drinking. And in fact I looked forward to him drinking at times bc it was only then that I got anything resembling emotion and a look at who he was out of him. I truly thought this was "normal" (denial anyone?)

I remember being offended and angry after he and I had been together about 6 months at something my sister said. I'd talked to her after AH and I had spent the day hiking and she said something to the effect of "it's good to hear you did something with him that didnt involve drinking". I was pissed with her for that remark (and frankly it was said out of snarky-ness not concern bc that's just who my sister is but still she was on to something) and I wrote that in my journal that night bc it struck me as poignant.

So, yes, AH drank and a lot when we met. And I thought it was normal bc we were young and after all isn't that what all young kids do? I was a goody two shoes as a kid and even in college and so I thought that I was just letting loose finally and that any anxiety I had about his behavior was me just being neurotic and a pill....
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:29 AM
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I met my XAGF in a bar. We were young so I thought drinking was not an issue. At the time I didn't know anyone that was a alcoholic so I didn't know much about the disease. I'm a few years older then her so in the beginning if someone or myself commented on her drinking her response was, what where you doing at 22? At the time I would think to myself, I guess she is right, when I was 22 I was drinking here and there. As she got older her excuses changed, I worked hard this week I can have a drink. As time went on things progress more and more. I did drink with her for most of our relationship, it wasn't until the last 4 months of our relationship that I realized that her problem was real, at that point I stopped drinking with her, but still enabled. I do feel guilty for joining her with drinking but at the time I figured she would grow out of it. I always knew in my head that getting drunk and the bar scene was temporary. Family would replace all of that. Now I'm starting all over...
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Old 11-14-2011, 10:45 AM
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I met my RAH at an AA meeting almost 20 yrs ago - we were both sober
I've got almost 20 yrs sober -
he's got 4 days
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:12 AM
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I must say this was a rather EYE-OPENING post. YES, my A was drinking the first night I met him and every other night that I saw him. He lived at the beach and I equated it to just having a good time. We did have many good times drinking, going to concerts, and just hanging out. Then, he began doing other things and I actually tried things I had never tried before. I did them for a while and then quit when I found out I was preggo. I never did them afterwards because I love my baby too much. He stopped doing pills, etc. after our son was born too. BUT, the alcohol resumed its place, and he drinks every single day.

I have never experienced alcoholism and any experience I had with alcohol was just a bunch of people having a good time, social drinking if you will. My A drinks alone every day. He says he isn't an A and 'can stop anytime.' He just doesn't want to quit. The only, and i say the ONLY, good thing to come out of our relationship is our son. I should have listened to my mom years ago who had an alcoholic dad , and am finally starting to listen. She told me A would never make me happy. She told me I deserved more out of life and my expectations weren't being met. I should have listened when I was 9 months preggo and was going to leave him.
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Old 11-14-2011, 01:05 PM
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Rofl!! thanks for reminding me..among the things that happened when I first got together with my exabf...the night that there was a tornado warning in my neighborhood. We live in a 10 story apt building, and most of the folks were headed downstairs for a safe location. I could not get him downstairs. He was totally passed out on his couch and never even knew or cared what I was trying to tell him.
It wasn't until later that it sunk in, he had been drinking for over 40 yrs. And foolishly, I thought I'd be enough to change that.
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Old 11-14-2011, 01:22 PM
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I met him when he was 23 yrs old and he told me then that he had been drinking since he was 14, ugh, if only you could go back then with what you know now.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:15 PM
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Yes he was.
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