OwlFeathers

My first husband drank when we first met but then so did I. We were in our early 20s. He had a reckless driving record and all kinds of tickets, but I figured I could have easily had them too, just never got caught. As we had kids, got older, my drinking subsided a lot, but his seemed to keep up. DUI's, etc. Worked second shift and went to bars afterwards. I stayed cuz I wanted to keep family together. Took 13 yrs before I left. It is sad but, he is worse now, and it has been over 12 yrs.

simian66

Isn't this interesting? It seems nearly all of us got involved with someone who we knew was drinking at the time. It probably says a lot about codependency.

onceuponatime2

Yes, he was but I was in heavy denial. I thought he was just having fun with his friends, and that surely he would stop once we got married and settled down. I actually can remember when I finally came out of denial, and began to think maybe he is an alcoholic. This was a few years into our marriage, and two kids later. There was an alcohol counseling center down the street from us. I would walk by it many times, and one day I finally got the courage to walk inside. I went inside and talked to the people. AH had an upcoming dui charge due in court. The counselor there talked to the judge and asked for court ordered rehab instead of jail. I ended up receiving counseling too. I think God really had a hand in this because within that same time my mother died of cancer. It was a very hard time in my life, and I dont think I would have handled it the same if I hadn't had a counselor to talk to at the time.

Linkmeister

In one word, yes.

It's taken me three years to finally admit this to myself and to others that I knew this going in, I saw the red flags, but carried on full speed ahead, consequences be damned.At the time, I had just come out of a bad marriage, was in no shape for any kind of relationship and met him on-line-things led to things, spent time with him, denial and co-dependency kicked in and the rest is history.

What I gained from the relationship was finding Al-Anon, the best thing for me - between meetings, literature, a wonderful sponsor, some very probing 4th step work, I found the me that got lost in the shuffle of the relationship, my marriage and some family issues that got mixed up an all of it. The one thing that I found is liking (and not being scared) being on my own - struggling, yes, but a lot healthier than I was at this point three years ago.

choublak

Yes. I met him through my cousin...at her wedding, actually. My cousin's husband was college roommates and is good friends with my ABF. I was a bridesmaid and ABF was a groomsman, and we just hit it off. My cousin, her husband, and all of their friends drink a lot; it's like they have never left the college campus.

Cyranoak

My wife did not drink when I met her. She was divorced from an alcoholic and drug addict and had been sober her whole life at 31 years old. Over the next two years we'd share a bottle of wine at dinner, go out, and nothing ever happened. Then, at 33, she came off the rails. It was subtle, and progressive over time, but it go to the point where she was drunk 24/7.

I never saw it coming, and was in denial about it for years. I think that may be why I stay with her. There were, literally, no signs or indicators that a woman over 30 who didn't drink would become an alcoholic. So now, when I think of possibly dating or marrying another woman, the first thing I feel is fear.

At this point it's the poison I know vs. the poison I don't know. Or not having a woman or wife at all which just doesn't work for me.

TWYWALTR,

Cyranoak

SoaringSpirits

My AH was just a social drinker the first 10 years we were together; he'd have the occasional beer or glass of wine and it was no problem. The second 10 years has been a slow spiral into more and more drinking. About 7-8 years ago I realized there was a problem, and the last 2 years have been a living hell. We are now separated.

Looking back, though, some of the personality issues that have been really magnified by his alcoholism were there all along. Low self esteem and self confidence as well as serious lack of emotional intimacy.

OwlFeathers

simian, he even told me once that he loved me but he loved drinking more and would never quit..... and still I stayed!

jayjay1882

My A was drinking and doing hardcore drugs when I met him. But heck, we were in college and so was everyone else (well, except for the hardcore drugs). Funny thing is I didn't drink or do the drugs but I was always there when everyone else was so I could "keep them out of trouble" ----HA!
I look back and think, "why did I put myself in those situations?????" I could of lost everything by allowing those things in my home, car, presence.....
He eventually stopped the hardcore drugs and I thought "well, he'll eventually stop the drinking too" ---- HA!!!!!
I spent TEN YEARS trying to control the situation so he wouldn't need to drink and I then I MARRIED him, now I know better and we are separated.

NeverQuit

We met in a bar after the persistent encouragement to go there from a friend who couldn't believe that I was happy living alone after a long abusive marriage. So I went and we met. We both drank too much and that set the stage for our next 14 years. All dates had alcohol, all dinners, recreation, any event had to have alcohol. It remains that way now except that I got fed up with the hangovers 6 years ago and quit drinking. So she drinks at home alone now and goes out with those friends to the bars. Yes she has said that she has no intention of quitting. I never posed the option of "booze or me" because I know her answer would be booze. I just don't want to hear it. She didn't drink last night after the previous night out at the bar followed by half a bottle of wine at home. My shrink advised me to not look for the next woman friend in a bar. She gave good advice. But I doubt that I'll be looking for anyone, anywhere, anytime soon.

wicked

I met my ex in a bar. Ladies Night.
No cover for ladies, one dollar beers (that is why i went) and male strippers.
What more could you ask for?
Yes, we met when both of us had a serious problem.
There was an unspoken agreement. We drink. That is what we do.

Beth

steve11694

She almost never drank for the first few years. Alcohol was a non factor in our life together. Began to go out with some drinking gf's and it caught her. Progressing as I type.

She looks like someone else. Did not recognize her last time, really scary looking. Body and face blown up.

God help her.

stella27

We were in college, and I really didn't know anyone who didn't drink. But my xh would go off with his friends to smoke pot or spend the day getting drunk and when I had had enough drinking, often he would stay.

I thought he was choosing his friends over me sometimes. That's why I felt almost victorious when I caught his attention - like I had won something. I won something all right. A husband and father to my three children who still chose friends and partying over us.

This has been an eye-opening thread.

Tuffgirl

Yes, mine was, but so was I. It was a part of what we did together... but I never thought of it being nothing but social drinking. It took several years for me to admit this was something more than that.

skippernlilg

The moment I met him, no. But I quickly knew him to be a person with a drink in his hand for every occasion.

theuncertainty

and / or the power of denial

wellnowwhat

Originally Posted by simian66 View Post
Isn't this interesting? It seems nearly all of us got involved with someone who we knew was drinking at the time. It probably says a lot about codependency.


and / or the power of denial

or how thoroughly entrenched drinking is in our society.

When I met my AH he drank, but so did I, as did everyone I knew around my age. My parents rarely drank, but that was unusual from what I encountered in other families.

Jazzman

That's it?!?! No details??

What a great thread!

Yeah when Mel and I hooked up again in the late 90s it was obvious to me fairly quick that 17 years and three kids later she didn't slow down much from the hard partying of the early 80s.

I chalked it up to the nasty divorce she was going through at the time and figured for sure I could rescue her from herself and her troubles. Boy was I wrong.

lillamy

Yes. We both drank -- because the situations where we met involved cocktail parties and schmoozing and having a few drinks with other single professionals at bars to network, etc.

One of the hardest-earned lessons I've learned is that I can't assume that other people think like I do. I thought, as I've seen many others here say, too, that going out and drinking with other singles was part of the singles' life. And that once we got married and had kids, we would move into another way of living. He never thought so. He was an alcoholic from his last year in high school; it just wasn't immediately noticeable in an environment where it was the norm for people to gather at the bar for a drink after work every day.

theuncertainty

I'm Still learning this one.