Fenicfox

I have been wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation. I am no longer attracted to my newly recovering alcholic. This is not a new feeling I have felt it for months, honestly a talked to him about it a little and I think it was a major factor in his new sobriety. The overall truth right now is I feel like I have a roommate and best friend, but not a lover or partner and I am not sure we can ever be the same. Has anyone feel back in love? Spent the time and just moved on? While every story is different I would love to hear how others relationships have change after the bottle is out of the picture.

searchbug

The obvious is that without the booze, you see who the person REALLY IS. I feel fairly sure to say that there is almost always something underlying, which contributes to the person becoming an alcoholic to start with.
During one blow up with my xbf...it hit me that he was fixated on being "loved" (impressing, being admired, etc) by other persons. In that instance, it happened to be someone else's grandchildren, but it was not limited to that. And no, I did not see it as being sexually directed. Every other word out of his mouth seemed to be directed towards persons filling HIS EMOTIONAL needs to be liked/loved. Like many, I assumed most of it was the drinking.
Nope. He isn't drinking, and it apparently is still a MAJOR issue.
Alcoholics, by their very nature, deny what they are doing. If you are in any relationship, you need to be able to trust that person, but I think alcoholics are inherently incapable of earning trust, or living up to it, for many reasons.
Maybe during the time that he (your partner) was drinking, that trust got battered, and simply because he is now sober..is it rebuildable?

msbelle57

yes i feel the same way we are great roommates..he sleeps in the guest room when he is drunk..which is often. I can't stand the smell coming from his pores and breath ugh..we don't fight..we just tolerate each other. It isn't what i dreamed of..but it is what it is. Until he wants to change..i have to live for me and be happy regardless. I go and have fun with my friends..family..children...work..feel great about myself. Have alot of interest..if his only interest is beer ..then he can have a love affair with it..which he is good at Lol.

wataugaguy

msbelle57,

Your situation sounds like mine - except for the "happy" part.

My wife has been having an affair with 1-2 bottle of wine every night. It's gotten worse in the past 2 years.
She's functional and doesn't drink during the day but is blotto by 8-9pm. If she doesn't pass out on the couch, she wants to "snuggle" but I can't stand the smell on her breath and the glazed look in her eyes.
Lately, I've become more vocal about disliking her drinking. Not abusive, not angry, trying to be loving and concerned but it doesn't faze her.
Her father died a few months ago - result of years of alcohol abuse before he got sober - and she still doesn't get it.

This is the first time I've articulated any of this with anyone BTW.

My question is - how do you feel happiness in the midst of your situation? I'm really considering calling it quits and that's a scary thought.

TeM

AW and I have had separate bedrooms for about 15 years... which predates the alcoholism. At first, it was because of my snoring... she'd wake me up five or six times a night to tell me I was snoring, so I finally moved to another room.

Over the years, we've grown apart, and I'm sure she considers that one of her excuses for drinking.

As for seeing the "real person" without the booze, that really rang a bell for me. Every time AW has "quit" in the past, it has been against her will. In the few weeks she manages to abstain, she becomes more sullen and whiney. In her latest temporary foray into sobriety, she started verbally attacking Daughter's boyfriend, until AW and Daughter had a big fight about it.

When we were alone, AW would go on about how much she despised him, etc. Now that she's back in the bottle, she doesn't complain about him any more.

She's always had psychological problems, but the booze seems to make the swings more pronounced.

chronsweet

I can SOOO relate. My detaching from my ABF has other repercussions as well. Because he can't get it that I don't want to be intimate with someone who exudes alcohol from his breath and pores in a not-so-frangrant ethanol smell, he constantly accuses me of cheating. Some days are worse than others. With the insults, anger, and added taint of alcohol, I have lost all desire for him. There will be days when I miss the contact of another human being. Every day I slip further and further towards the point of no return. I sometimes wonder if he were to get sober if I could begin to be physically attracted to him again. I used to be very attracted to him, but, as the disease progresses, my resentment builds.

I am learning to let go of the bitterness and trying to just enjoy my son being a toddler. I have so much love for him that it overrides my physical needs at this point. I can envision a day where I will need a romance again. I am also beginning to re-love myself. I am eating healthy and working to get back to my physique before I had my son. I am going back to school, talking and visiting with friends and family. I am digging myself out of the despair of expecting an alcoholic to be able to meet my needs.