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Why am I still on the fence?

Old 11-13-2011, 06:08 AM
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Why am I still on the fence?

I already knew what my exAH did to get the charges against him, but he doesn't know that I know, much less that I was the one to call the detective so when I talked to my exAH about the charges against him for cultivating marijuana and paraphenalia, his responses were: "Don't worry about it, I took care of it", after my reply that I am worried about it because he has my son some times he replied: "Don't even go there and think you are gonna use this in the divorce proceedings", and when he asked me who my lawyer is I replied, you will know soon enough (because I haven't decided which one I am going to choose yet) and he replied: "Well if you're not going to provide that information to me then I don't have to give you any more information about this (charges)" To which I replied, "The name of my lawyer and the information on why you were charged are not at near the same level of importance". He proceeded to get angry that the information is for public view because he thought his lawyer took care of it and sealed it. I emailed the detective I worked with and he responded right away with the following:

"I am not sure why his case does not show the Cultivation charge that I put on him. He did plea to a misdemeanor on that charge according to the Prosecutor. The possession of drug paraphernalia was dismissed because he did plea to the Cultivation. I can only think that the Cultivation charge isn't showing up because it may have been sealed by his attorney."

So, after all of this I still am on the fence because:
1. I can hear exAH say he is only a once a month smoker of MJ,
2. he said to me when we had the conversation a year ago August and he asked me if he could grow it in our basement over the winter that it was only because he was interested in the scientific aspects of growing different plants
3. He has been good at sending me money every paycheck, goes to parent conferences at the high school, seems to be taking relatively good care of our son when he is with him, although he lets son spend the night at friend's house too often on the weekends
4. I didn't see him smoke MJ here at the house, maybe once a few years back in the garage with his friends, but I didn't confront him, he just sent me back into the house and tried to cover it up so our son wouldn't smell it or know.
5. Then there is the alcohol drinking to excess and his addiction now to working out.

Why do I still not want to believe that he has an addiction problem? This is only an underlying feeling, usually I do see that he has a problem and feel empowered by the fact that I am no longer a fool, but that underlying feeling still comes back now and again. I guess I am still working through this. The fact that his brother in law who is a criminal lawyer in another state got a lawyer for him to work in this state to get him off the charges pisses me off but also I have been having these conversations in my head that if I called the brother in law he would say I was crazy that exAH doesn't have a problem.

Does anyone else have these "on the fence" feelings and how do you deal with them?

I have been attending Al-Anon meetings and have learned so much and love to go, but I have a long way to go.
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Old 11-13-2011, 11:23 AM
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to me it doesn't matter what label you put on it (addict or not), it comes down to whether or not you can accept him as he is, without any expectation of change, can be happy living with him, and have faith that he is a good father to your child.
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:08 PM
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You can play lets pretend or you can accept the truth. He has addiction issues, thus he lies, and, then he lies some more.

When I decide to make someone my ex...I am done.

Work on you, you are obsessing about him, playing what if...not a healthy mindset to be in.

Do what is best for you and your children, if it is mean't to be, it will happen.
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:29 PM
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Yes Yes Yes, thank you for your wise words!!!! Angels sent from God help me out exactly when I need them!!!
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:37 PM
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i agree do what is best for you and your children..if he cared about you he would have never been in this position on the first place or put you through it as well. Good luck...hugs!
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:27 PM
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I hope you can give him and his consequences to your HP. Do you attend Alanon ? I was obsessed with my XAH and a friend looked at me and said "he isn't your business anymore." After I got over being pissed off at that comment I realized she was right. It was messing up my serenity. If your son is in high school he probably runs into a little mj. I was as obsessed with the alcoholic/addict as he was with his drugs. Surrender to win. Let go and let God. Accept powerlessness.....
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:55 PM
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I have been offline for a few days so I haven't followed all the information you've provided (so forgive me if I'm all out of whack!).

A month or so ago I had a post where I talked about how I had reported my AH (soon to be ex) to CPS because of something that he had done to my 3 yr old. Long story short - the outcome was that the case was dismissed as "unfounded." Now, that doesn't mean that the abuse didn't happen - it just means that CPS didn't have enough evidence to pursue charges or orders of protection.

Was my call a waste of time? Absolutely not! My unhealthy co-dependent mind takes the outcome as - "My AH, yet again, dodged the consequences of his addiction!" If I allow myself to sit in my stinkin' thinking - I stay stuck focusing on my AH, and what I can/can't do to control the situation/outcome - and force solutions/consequences. Yup, that's the codependent me.

The healthy recovery me (which takes work/effort!!!) has to keep the focus on ME... and what the situation TAUGHT ME! So, yup - if you read that thread - you'll see what I learned from the situation. I learned how to stand up for me/my kids, and that doing the right thing (which is immediately reporting illegal behavior!!) isn't nearly as scary as I thought! I learned that it's critical for me to not engage in a discussion with my AH about what ever that behavior is - I just need to set boundaries, communicate them, and then follow through when those boundaries are violated. And I learned that in order to have peace and serenity - I need to let go of the outcome and trust the process!!

When I focus on the problem - that's all I see. When I focus on me - I find solutions that lead to serenity.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:27 PM
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Lesson learned, let go, don't need it, don't want it, can't control it, didn't cause it, and not my place to change it!! Thanks for sharing, I always get excited when I see in my email that I have a reply, I feel loved and heard and understood! Going to Al-Anon meeting this week, haven't been in a week.
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Old 11-14-2011, 03:00 AM
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OK, so maybe the outcome of the case was sealed but what about the arrest itself? Can you get a copy of the incident from the arresting officer/precinct via the Freedom of Information Act?

Also - maybe the case is sealed for criminal purposes, but I believe custody hearings run differently. If a judge in a custody hearing asks him if he has ever been arrested, he will have to answer honestly or commit perjury. And if he answers yes, he will have to detail what he got arrested for and how it got dismissed. Get an attorney ASAP and ask.

Besides, if he has already done it once and thinks he got away with it, chances are he thinks he will get away with it again. Keep your eyes open.
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Old 11-14-2011, 02:24 PM
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I know pot kills motivation......
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:06 PM
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Purple squirrel, I do have a copy of the charges from the court file and I did contact the detective who gave me more information. Thank you for your help. I agree with the fact that he will try again as he seems to think he got away with it.
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Old 11-14-2011, 10:40 PM
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Oh my...

Hi Jack,

We've been on here together for awhile and I like and respect you. Please remember that when I say you remind me of when I was more clueless than I am now. No harm in that in the sense that it is what it is. That said, you know the reality intellectually, you just don't feel it emotionally. That's fine, as long as you are making your decisions intellectually. As to your questions:

1. I can hear exAH say he is only a once a month smoker of MJ. ********. ********, ********, ********. There is no possible way this is true! AAAAGH?

2. he said to me when we had the conversation a year ago August and he asked me if he could grow it in our basement over the winter that it was only because he was interested in the scientific aspects of growing different plants. Are you ******* kidding me? Good ******* God. Please tell me you didn't believe this 100 percent pure, unadulterated ********.

3. He has been good at sending me money every paycheck, goes to parent conferences at the high school, seems to be taking relatively good care of our son when he is with him, although he lets son spend the night at friend's house too. Fine. It still doesn't make him father of the year or negate that he's risking years in jail where he won't be father of the year just because he wants to get stoned or make some extra dough. Good God!

4. I didn't see him smoke MJ here at the house, maybe once a few years back in the garage with his friends, but I didn't confront him, he just sent me back into the house and tried to cover it up so our son wouldn't smell it or know.

Really?

5. Then there is the alcohol drinking to excess and his addiction now to working out. Then there is the alcohol drinking to excess. There, my dear, is the bottom line. That said, your husband is a chronic user of alcohol and marijuana. Period. That is a fact. Accept it and make your decisions considering that as true.

Good luck and take care Jack. I really mean it.

Cyranoak
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:09 AM
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Love and hugs to you Cyranoak! No I don't believe it, but you are right I still feel like I don't want to believe it, but yes I am making my decisions intellectually.
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
why don't you want to believe it? what forms your resistance to the idea that he IS indeed an addict?
The blinders of denial are hard to rip off - for me it felt like pulling old duct tape off my face. But once I did, acceptance was such a sweet relief from the turmoil and stress of maintaining my own denial.

Very good question, anvil. Jack, pardon me if its already been said here, but Al-Anon is a wonderful resource for reaching acceptance. I am not sure I could have done it on my own. Take good care!
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