Buffalo66

My RAH is still sober, going on 14 months,now.

There was a bad period at first, then a clearing of his head that lasted about 4 months.

It was wonderful and I felt loved and like I had a partner.

Now he is back to his old stuff, self absorbed ABsolute entitlement...denyin his part in conflict, devaluing everything but his own contribution to th family...

Just taking a vote--Is this normal? Is this a dry drunk period?

Is this who he is?

Any thoughts are welcome.

dollydo

There is no period at the end of the sentence, once a dry drunk, always a dry drunk, unless he involves himself in extensive therapy.

You jumped back in this relationship with both feet, because he had a limited non drinking period, and, because you needed/wanted financial support, now you have to face the reality of who he really is. There is always a trade off in life.

I know that you are struggling, however, if you choose to stay with him, you must accept him,for who he is today....not yesterday.

My best...Dolly

laurie6781

Well since he is now past his 1 year anniversary ........................... and is still showing his rude ways, this may just be what he is.

Now you have to decide if this behavior is acceptable to you, especially with your own health problems that do not deal with stress well. Is this the way you want to live?

This may just be as good as it gets, without alcohol. Doesn't sound like too great a day to day living experience to me.

You know there was a fellow years ago at the North Hollywood Alano Club. He had been a bank robber, had been caught a few times, but always got out on parole, and an alkie. He finally got sober, and ..................... continued to rob banks and not get caught. Finally something clicked in his head at about 10 years sober, and he turned himself in. He used to brag about being a really good bank robber when sober.

See, he sobered up and was still a bank robber. Your AH has sobered up and is still an ash hat.

Now it is back to you and figuring out what your boundaries are. Is rude behavior, talking above and over you, blaming you, etc acceptable? or not?

I M H O drunk or sober he still sounds like a JERK!

Love and hugs,

jOSE2

I too had pondered this question for quite a long time-XAH being on and off drink, what is a Dry Drunk all about, (when we married 20+ years ago,my stipulation was that I could not and would not live with anyone who drank to excess)that was my boundery,(I in my ignorance didnt know anything about alcoholism,)but that from the very beginning of the relationship and marriage and about every 6 weeks,he became aggressive,argumentative,controlling,abusive,lying was second nature,It became a pattern ,ring me up a few weeks later say he was sorry,me let him come back,and the cycle just went on like that,then he'd been away quite a few years, rang me to say he was sorry again ,me let him come back admtted he thought he had a problem with alcohol ,he tried recovery AA and he'd go through all same behaviours again even going to AA,and this cycling went on, bad attitudes, I had enough of all this (I had been attending Al-anon throughout all this crazy making stuff) and called it a day 15 months ago,and locked him out of my home,changed locks,blocked phone.
I know he wasnt committed to Therapy or AA principles,and after 44 years of drinking,and having read about Dry Drunk syndrome,he had all classic symptoms ,and ask myself was he just not a nice person anyway even before he started to drink ,this was the person he really is ,drinking or no drinking.

I knew I had to get working on me,and put more into my programme for my own recovery,I had begun not to like me anymore.
So I agree with other postings above- someone told me a Dry Drunk is one of the most unhappiest of all people,and knew for my own sanity that I couldnt and wouldnt live this way another day,he has to do what he has to do and that I'm not here for anyone elses happiness but my own.
He is doing the stalking stuff,driving up and down my street,I was really scared the other week,and found this SR site,and the lovely people on here have helped me calm down,and I thank you all for that strength,I see him and just ignore him now.

Thank you for letting me share,and Identify with the lady for starting this thread

NYCDoglvr

Is your husband in a recovery program? AA is wonderful because those in recovery have the support of other alcoholics and, equally important, reality checks.

Bernadette

My brothers go through those periods of "wonderfulness" when they sober up for a few months, one of them even goes to meetings and has attempted step work, gotten a sponsor etc....and then usually 4-6 months into sobriety I'll start to notice a change in their behavior - grumpy, cranky, mean, self-centered. It has always meant, in their case, that they are drinking again and trying to hide it! One of them is really really good at hiding it for a long time (the one who attends AA during his sober periods). But inevitably he'll do something really OBVIOUS like get a DUI or show up completely smashed somewhere.

I used to have season tickets to that show! But by working my own recovery I just do not ride on that roller coaster anymore. I don't have time for cranky mean-spirited people. I find them really annoying and tiresome and I don't give a rat's patootie why they are that way - alcoholic, dry drunk, just plain jerk or no - I do not give them permission to take up my time or steal my peace of mind.

People that are supposed to love me (family, partners, friends etc) should not treat me badly or make me feel like walking on eggshells around them! Cranky auto mechanic? Fine - he doesn't have to show loving behavior towards me! Friend, spouse, sister/brother? Yes, I expect loving kindness and I give it as well, or why allow them access to me?

Peace
B

Buffalo66

Well, in the last few days I told him I was not ready or willing to enter into an unknown length of time in which I am being devalued again.

I told him he should maybe think about leaving, because I need to focus on my own health, and I will not be projected upon...i was pretty calm, (after a few days of ranting in response to the devaluing...I just cannot seem to just say, "whatever") and I explained what I perceived was his mechanism for avoiding dealing with a maybe slightly miffed person, and how his choice to devalue me turned me from slightly miffed to enraged, and then he stands back and cries abuse because I am enraged.

Then he denies doing that, just stands with the end result and plays victim.

He said, "you asked me to leave. I am leaving. "

I said, "fine"

He wont leave, though and I dont want him to. I just want him to get back to balance.

Today, I was visiting my friend who is bipolar. Always was. She takes three meds, has to keep on top of it. She is pretty experienced.

She reminded me that it was back late August when he mentioned that it felt like his medication was not working that well...
She said, then, of course he starts the crappy behavior again. All stemming from the persecution mindset. He has to deflect deflect deflect because the persecution issue in his mind works like OCD. He cannot stop it from happening. The meds made that go away. He could admit that while the meds were working.

He has mentioned the meds not working again, but in his unmedicated state, he does not want to do the whole go to the psych, be seen, adjust meds thing. Like a teenager. So he has been calling our childs pediatrician to ask her to prescribe him a stronger pill.Obviously she shut him down, said he needed to see the original doc for adjustment. He probably had a follow up med check scheduled and did not go.

DOH.

What an idiot.

So now he is leaving, and I truly believe things would just balance back out if he tended to his mental issue. Whether its bipolar or schizo affective or what...

So now, he is punishing me and threatening to go to custody court, etc...He will be getting his clothes out this weekend, etc...

Which he probably WONT do, but he is too mental to deal any other way.

I know some of you will say hes just a jerk, etc...But the timeframes match up too well. He was mentioning he felt the meds didnt work, and within a week he was doing all the old stuff, projecting, crazy making, self aggrandizing, everyone is out to get him,he does everything right, etc.

What would you do?

suki44883

What would you do?

I'd let him go.

laurie6781

I would not only let him go, I would help him get his 'things' out the door.

I would tell him that when he get's his 'mental issues' straightened I would then be willing to see some couples counseling, but until then ...........................

"There's the door, don't let it hit you in the azz on the way out."

He is being KING BABY. Throwing temper tantrums. Whether he is Bi Polar or not, YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM. And, the stress is making you sicker.

That is what I would do.

Love and hugs,

ps: yes I have done exactly that, just under 13 months ago.

dollydo

I'd let him go, you are just repeating your codie pattern, looking for answers to fix him and down playing, making excuses for his behavior.

Until you get healthy, nothing will change.

ukiah77

When my AH is "sober" and goes through the dry drunk sypmtoms, he is not much different than when he is drunk. I don't think they even realize what a self centered jerk they are really being. The attitude is, "Well, I quit drinking, what more do you want?" Plus, in my AH's case, he seemed to be being extra mean to show me that him being sober was going to be worse than him going back to drinking. Twisted thinking, I know. I believe that years of alcoholism can actually turn a once nice kind man into a complete entitled a$$hole. Maybe it's brain damage or something. Whether he's drinking or not seems to be irrelevant. My AH has a period of being super agreeable and a loving husband for a short time after "quitting" drinking, but it's not long before his old habits start up again, calling me names, finding fault in everything I do, etc.. The only difference seems that when he's drinking, at least he passes out and finally shuts up. When he's sober, he stays up and complains all night long. I would do anything to erase the damage alcohol has caused my AH, and have my loving husband back. He was once a truly lovely man.

suki44883

Some people are just asshats, whether they are drinking or not.

Freedom1990

I have mental health issues. As a responsible adult, I am proactive in my recovery both from addictions and mental illness.

I see a therapist. I take my medications. I talk to my psych provider when I think a medication adjustment might be necessary.

If I refuse to treat my mental health issues, that is on me, as well as any undesirable behaviors/attitudes that come from that scenario.

Your AH is not interested in properly treating his mental health issues.

That's where he's at. Take it or leave it.

Tuffgirl

I'd say a prayer for him and let him go.

His issues are his to fix.

MTSlideAddict

Personally I would let him go. He doesn’t seem willing to take care of his mental health issues.

This statement rings codie to me. You state that you are engaging and reacting to his behavior. When we get caught up in reactions we don’t stop to think. Then we lose track of ourselves. It sounds to me that it may be a good idea to let him go, so that you can redirect the focus onto you. Don’t let the cycle repeat sober or not.

hadenoughnow

He is mentally ill. Unless he decides to start acting like an adult and see his psych it will continue to get worse. The fact that he tried to get your son's Dr to prescribe stronger meds so HE could steal them for himself is very disconcerting to me.

Do you want to go through this over and over again?