Is this abuse?
 

I feel like my relationship with myRAH has hit a new low. I have a mood disorder so it is hard for me to keep things in perspective at times. My husband was talking to his family on SKYPE and I needed to vacuum a spot where I had to set down work materials. he asked me to wait, so I waited and waited. Finally I said, "It will only take a second" and I started vacuuming anyway. He grabbed the vacuum cleaner right out of my hands!!! I actually resisted letting him have it, but he got it from me anyway. I felt furious with him and now I am in a horrible mood as a result. I feel like this is some form of abuse. I wasn't physically inured but I am so angry at him!!!! I feel like packing my bags and leaving. This is not the first time he has grabbed something from me against my wishes. Is this abuse or just childishness? I am shaking I am so angry.

really? I realize me vacuuming was not respectful, but does he really need to grab from me? He has grabbed the phone from me when I called 911 when he was drinking and driving. I was once in an abusive relationship, it was nothing like this, but I tend to be extra-sensitive when it comes to physical interactions of this nature. I own that I was in the wrong, but I really dwell on these things and find it difficult to move on without some perspective.

In my opinion you are playing games did you really need to vacuum right then.I'm not saying what he did was right but you need to look at yourself. In some way do you get a charge out of this interaction.Maybe when things are cool you caan tell him you didnt appreciate him grabing the vacuum from you but I'll bet he comes back with that he didnt appreciate you vacuuming when he was trying to talk on the phone.

UGH. I am in such a bad place today. Out of the last 15 years of our relationship, we are really at a bottom. So many issues, and I feel so down. I hate that my three year old witnessed this stupid interaction. I don't know how to make things better:(. I feel angry and hurt, and not just about today.

I think the first thing you can do is start to let go of the incident. It is a pretty small thing to dwell on, you know. It might seem big to you, but think about it, how many times do small kids/toddlers have these kinds of things happen to them in a week. How long do you expect you as a family to dwell on it. YES, both of you acted childish, happens to the best of us.

I have found that when I react to ABF and his antics, they get more and more heated and more and more childish. Sometimes after I reflect on an incident I realize that I too played a part in what happened. I feel ashamed to have gone 'there' so to speak. Sure, I don't like his behavior when he is drinking. It is all too often that he drinks for me. But playing into his delirium doesn't help me. In fact, he seems to get joy out of the anguish he causes me. He may even say the same thing of me. I think we all just have to respect that we are all adults, all make our own choices and decide what we are willing to live with and teach our kids.

Just my .02

You were not abused. This has nothing to do with alcoholism or other issues. He was TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE and you demanded he stop that, for your benefit. He got angry..but I'd say he had a reason.

I have called my parents every Saturday morning for 30 -odd years.

Each Saturday morning, after we moved to our first house, AH would start doing tear-down/construction in the same room while I was on the phone with my folks.

Frankly, nothing he was doing was time-sensitive. There were plenty of things he could have been doing, someplace else. I think he was peeved that I was chatting while he was working. I'd call it passive/aggressive, but if he did it on purpose, it isn't really passive at all, is it?

Thank you, I needed that. I can completely lose perspective sometimes, and then I get OCD negative thoughts that spiral and spiral and spiral. My doctor thinks I may be bipolar, I am finally getting to see a psychiatrist next week! I have been waiting for months as the demand is very high here and you have to have a referral from a doctor and then the waiting period is 6-12 months.

Thank you!

I'll remember that the next time I force something out of my wife's hands...
 

... which is apparently just fine if I'm Skyping. :headbange

She didn't demand, she asked. She also waited. And her benefit is just as important as his benefit, not less.

Good God.

I have to agree with Cy. I think your husband's behavior was completely out-of-line. Would he do that to a co-worker? To the next door neighbor? Or better yet...to a stranger??? We should certainly treat our spouses better than we would treat a complete stranger.

Obviously, this isn't abuse at a domestic violence level, but it is amazingly controlling, disrespectful and aggressive behavior (that can certainly progress). You have every right to feel angry and violated. I would never permit myself to be in a relationship with a man where this was viewed as acceptable behavior.

I'm sorry that you went through all of this! Your husband certainly did not have to get physical, that was completely out of line on his part and an utterly inappropriate response to what you were doing.......

However, I do find it curious that you "needed" to vacuum that particular spot while your AH was speaking with his family. Perhaps instead of letting yourself become annoyed with him, you could have left the room or the house and done something else for a while? Then, when his conversation was finished, you could have finished the vacuuming.....

.....or better yet, you could have let him vacuum that spot once he was finished!

I hope that you are feeling a bit better this evening!

HG

Seriously, there are no winners in this scene.

What's the worst the would have happened if you waited until he was off Skype? That was controlling behaviour to end his call on your schedule.

He should not have grabbed the vacuum. That was controlling behaviour on his part to grab it, even if in an attempt to turn it off.

You and he should not have grappled with the vacuum, like kids fighting over a toy.

When both are wrong, why debate who may have been a just a little bit "righter"? Recognize your own part, and move on.

Cyranoak, whoa! You are really scaring me! I have been with this man for 15 years, we have three children together....should I leave him? I am freaking out!

Oh, tears, don't let any member here drive you to do something rash. Although I can't answer the question of whether or not you are being abused, I do think what your husband did was inappropriate.

No one here can tell you whether or not you should leave your husband, but it is not a decision that needs to be made right this very second.

If you are afraid, I can recommend that you call the Domestic Abuse Hotline and they will be able to guide you.

For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)

By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/
(Click on your state for various hotline phone numbers and other information)

should I leave him? I am freaking out!

A bit of an intense question for strangers!

It's a good question to ask yourself though.

I mean, how do we know when or why to leave a relationship? It is so personal!

I have to try and think rationally about it - the simplest questions for myself being: am I loved and appreciated and respected and am I loving, appreciative, and respectful of my partner? Am I able to grow as a person within this relationship and is my partner growing as a person? Are we worthy of the children's imitation?

I don't think I could decide that based on the vacuum incident - an ugly incident all around!

Peace,
B

Hi tearsofaclown

Personally I think this was the solution that most appealed to me :)

I think all couples can get stuck in silly situations and mindsets, and sometimes even the best of us can behave badly or do stupid things that we later regret.

Please don't feel you have to act on any of the advice here - obviously you felt aggrieved enough to come here, but only you can really judge the severity of what happened.

D

I just had to comment that this quote really hit home for me in regard to a completely different situation. Thank you!

As far as this subject goes, I have to agree with a PP that both parties were out of line here. I'm sure it wasn't life-or-death that you vacuum that spot RIGHT THEN. And I think it was very controlling of him to act the way he did. It sounds like a case of both parties reacting emotionally and not rationally. Just talk it out calmly with him later if you can.