dont know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
dont know what to do
dont know what to do
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"Hi,
I am new to the site and having a really bad day so please bear with me if i go on too much!
I have been married for 10 years and have two amazing sons. I love my husband so much, i cant imagine my life without him, but he has an alcohol addiction and i dont know what to do. He has always drunk (we met in a pub!), but when we had children i assumed it would become a drink in the evenings together to relax, or the odd night out at the weekend - a social thing that was not a necessity.
Now, he opens his first can at 11am, and drinks all day - he claims it cant be that bad as he's rarely drunk - he doesnt get that its because his tolerance is high!
For the first time in years we can afford the rent and bills- he has been unable to hold down a job, and has pretty much given up trying to get one. I now work full time (and miss my children constantly) with a decent wage, but i feel unable to cope with the job. Problem is, if i pack it in, we'll lose our home - again, and my boys deserve some security.
He has previously attended AA when he realised how bad i was feeling, but he only went once or twice, and didnt truly believe he needed it.
Now, we are rowing - when i bring up his drinking, he changes the topic and blames me for our stresses - says i need to lighten up, stop blaming him for things. he manipulates me, shouts me down and has a talent for making me question myself. I dont know how much more i can cry. I cannot talk to my family, and i dont want friends to judge him - he is a good man.
Please can someone help me - i am so scared of the future."
I posted this last night but think i might have put it on the wrong page!
I should add that i dont think my husband wants to stop drinking - it has become a part of his routine, and as most of the time he is still able to function, he does not see a problem. However, if nothing else, i cant handle the dishonesty of it all - i believe in my marraige vows, yet he seems to trample on them every day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi,
I am new to the site and having a really bad day so please bear with me if i go on too much!
I have been married for 10 years and have two amazing sons. I love my husband so much, i cant imagine my life without him, but he has an alcohol addiction and i dont know what to do. He has always drunk (we met in a pub!), but when we had children i assumed it would become a drink in the evenings together to relax, or the odd night out at the weekend - a social thing that was not a necessity.
Now, he opens his first can at 11am, and drinks all day - he claims it cant be that bad as he's rarely drunk - he doesnt get that its because his tolerance is high!
For the first time in years we can afford the rent and bills- he has been unable to hold down a job, and has pretty much given up trying to get one. I now work full time (and miss my children constantly) with a decent wage, but i feel unable to cope with the job. Problem is, if i pack it in, we'll lose our home - again, and my boys deserve some security.
He has previously attended AA when he realised how bad i was feeling, but he only went once or twice, and didnt truly believe he needed it.
Now, we are rowing - when i bring up his drinking, he changes the topic and blames me for our stresses - says i need to lighten up, stop blaming him for things. he manipulates me, shouts me down and has a talent for making me question myself. I dont know how much more i can cry. I cannot talk to my family, and i dont want friends to judge him - he is a good man.
Please can someone help me - i am so scared of the future."
I posted this last night but think i might have put it on the wrong page!
I should add that i dont think my husband wants to stop drinking - it has become a part of his routine, and as most of the time he is still able to function, he does not see a problem. However, if nothing else, i cant handle the dishonesty of it all - i believe in my marraige vows, yet he seems to trample on them every day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Wellcome!
You came to the right place.
I wish there was something I could tell you that would help you feel better right away, but the best I can offer is: you're among friends, among people who understand.
There is no easy fix to your problems, but there are a lot of small steps you can take to get to the better place. It takes time, but I promise if you stick around, if you read as much as you can, if you keep posting this place may turn out to be for you what it was for many of us: a life saver.
We understand.
Alcoholism is an awful disease that distroys everything in its proximity.
I understand you love your husband and that you fear the future. As many others I've been there myself.
To move from that cul de sac to the safer, better place one has to learn about the nature of the beast one's dealing with (alcoholism). the more you learn the more options you'll see on what to do about your life.
So, make yourself at home. There are some great stickies at the top of the F&F section and I highly recomend reading them. I suggest you take it from there. Initially some of it might not sound like the solution you're looking for, but give it the benefit of the doubt. It is all based on real life experiences, on our lives and the pain we went through.
We are here for you.
I wish you well
You came to the right place.
I wish there was something I could tell you that would help you feel better right away, but the best I can offer is: you're among friends, among people who understand.
There is no easy fix to your problems, but there are a lot of small steps you can take to get to the better place. It takes time, but I promise if you stick around, if you read as much as you can, if you keep posting this place may turn out to be for you what it was for many of us: a life saver.
We understand.
Alcoholism is an awful disease that distroys everything in its proximity.
I understand you love your husband and that you fear the future. As many others I've been there myself.
To move from that cul de sac to the safer, better place one has to learn about the nature of the beast one's dealing with (alcoholism). the more you learn the more options you'll see on what to do about your life.
So, make yourself at home. There are some great stickies at the top of the F&F section and I highly recomend reading them. I suggest you take it from there. Initially some of it might not sound like the solution you're looking for, but give it the benefit of the doubt. It is all based on real life experiences, on our lives and the pain we went through.
We are here for you.
I wish you well
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome to you!
Denial is such a part of some many living with this disease (both the person that struggles and the ones that love her/him around him).
When I stopped being in denial was one of the most painful times in my life.
What helped me with the rest really started with Al-anon for me. Is that something you have considered or have access to? Sending kind thoughts you way.
Denial is such a part of some many living with this disease (both the person that struggles and the ones that love her/him around him).
When I stopped being in denial was one of the most painful times in my life.
What helped me with the rest really started with Al-anon for me. Is that something you have considered or have access to? Sending kind thoughts you way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
thanks - i already feel a bit less alone.
I have considered al-anon - am plucking up the courage, feels like i will be truly admitting to myself that there is a problem, when all i want to really be told is that i've got it wrong! i know thats not going to happen (although self-doubt is my greatest strength) so i think the time is coming that i have to go.
Also, i think i am scared that i will be expected to leave him - as much as things have to change, life without him seems so frightening. everything i say sounds like a contradiction - guess thats confusion for you!
I have considered al-anon - am plucking up the courage, feels like i will be truly admitting to myself that there is a problem, when all i want to really be told is that i've got it wrong! i know thats not going to happen (although self-doubt is my greatest strength) so i think the time is coming that i have to go.
Also, i think i am scared that i will be expected to leave him - as much as things have to change, life without him seems so frightening. everything i say sounds like a contradiction - guess thats confusion for you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Not confusing at all. We all have been there. Of course your thoughts are contradicting, you're facing extreme difficulties.
No one will expect you ( here or in al-anon as far as I know) to leave or do anything you don't want to do yourself. The idea is to give you the tools to help you deal with the situation and make your life more bearable. No one is judging whatever you decide to do, we all know all too well about the pain and dificulty to think there is an easy solution or right thing to do for everyone. What works for me might not work for you and vise versa. We are all just sharing our own experiences and thoughts hoping it might happen to be helpful for someone outthere who is going through the things we've already been trough or still struggling with.
Take it slowly, one step at the time
Eventually when you're ready things will get better, it is not a painfree path but it is worth it, as it leads to your own well being and recovery.
For now mabe try to think of things in these terms: you're here, which means you're addressing a problem, which means you're one step closer to solving it. Beats the alternative, doesn't it?
HUGS
No one will expect you ( here or in al-anon as far as I know) to leave or do anything you don't want to do yourself. The idea is to give you the tools to help you deal with the situation and make your life more bearable. No one is judging whatever you decide to do, we all know all too well about the pain and dificulty to think there is an easy solution or right thing to do for everyone. What works for me might not work for you and vise versa. We are all just sharing our own experiences and thoughts hoping it might happen to be helpful for someone outthere who is going through the things we've already been trough or still struggling with.
Take it slowly, one step at the time
Eventually when you're ready things will get better, it is not a painfree path but it is worth it, as it leads to your own well being and recovery.
For now mabe try to think of things in these terms: you're here, which means you're addressing a problem, which means you're one step closer to solving it. Beats the alternative, doesn't it?
HUGS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
"For now mabe try to think of things in these terms: you're here, which means you're addressing a problem, which means you're one step closer to solving it. Beats the alternative, doesn't it?
HUGS "
Thank you, thank you so much Sesh x
HUGS "
Thank you, thank you so much Sesh x
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am sorry about the situation that brought you here, but glad you found us! This is a wonderful source of support and information.
I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. It helps to get the words out, and it helps to discover you are not alone in this.
At the top of the forum pages are older, permanent posts (called stickies) that contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom!
This is one of my favorite sticky posts and contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I am sorry about the situation that brought you here, but glad you found us! This is a wonderful source of support and information.
I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. It helps to get the words out, and it helps to discover you are not alone in this.
At the top of the forum pages are older, permanent posts (called stickies) that contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom!
This is one of my favorite sticky posts and contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
read all the stickies...read, read and read some more
AL ANON? well, i cant say enough to all of us beginning the HEALING stage of me...there is too much wisdom at those meetings....i for one, dont wanna miss a beat!...i love my home group..i have come along way in 18 months!!(yay! me) and i am learning and growing every single day...like my signature says....progress not prefection...
have you heard of this.....?
this will help alot also
the 3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure
this is the first step in you to get well....and you in the right place...i thank god for this place and all my friends in here...
AA is for him...he needs to hit his own rock bottom before anything can happen...this place is your rock bottom...
we are all here for ya!!
god bless and welcome to SR
~Maggie~
AL ANON? well, i cant say enough to all of us beginning the HEALING stage of me...there is too much wisdom at those meetings....i for one, dont wanna miss a beat!...i love my home group..i have come along way in 18 months!!(yay! me) and i am learning and growing every single day...like my signature says....progress not prefection...
have you heard of this.....?
this will help alot also
the 3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure
this is the first step in you to get well....and you in the right place...i thank god for this place and all my friends in here...
AA is for him...he needs to hit his own rock bottom before anything can happen...this place is your rock bottom...
we are all here for ya!!
god bless and welcome to SR
~Maggie~
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
The 3 C's are amazing. When I first discovered them, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I was suddenly able to look at my father's alcoholism through a different lens, one where I didn't blame myself.
I've only been to a few al-anon meetings, but no one is going to tell you to leave your husband if that's not what you want. It's not a place where judgement is passed. It's a place for you to tell your story. I hope you try it.
I've only been to a few al-anon meetings, but no one is going to tell you to leave your husband if that's not what you want. It's not a place where judgement is passed. It's a place for you to tell your story. I hope you try it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by likealion 
The 3 C's are amazing. When I first discovered them, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I was suddenly able to look at my father's alcoholism through a different lens, one where I didn't blame myself.
I've only been to a few al-anon meetings, but no one is going to tell you to leave your husband if that's not what you want. It's not a place where judgement is passed. It's a place for you to tell your story. I hope you try it.
I've only been to a few al-anon meetings, but no one is going to tell you to leave your husband if that's not what you want. It's not a place where judgement is passed. It's a place for you to tell your story. I hope you try it.
Still undecided about al-anon. Not sure why, guess i'm just scared. But then again, i'm a big girl now so i should have learnt that sometimes the monsters of imagination are worse than the real thing.
I really wish i had something useful to say to all the amazing, good people on here who are spending their valuable time supporting me. Hopefully, if i come out the other side i can give back. In the meantime, thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Majool, I understand your reluctance with starting AlAnon but my experience has been that it has made a huge difference in the quality of my life. Being able to meet with people face to face who understand your problems because they have been there was a huge relief for me. Give it a try, I think you will find it to be a big help.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by majool
I really wish i had something useful to say to all the amazing, good people on here who are spending their valuable time supporting me. Hopefully, if i come out the other side i can give back. In the meantime, thank you.
This is such a silent disease, and there's so much more blame, shame, and pain in seeking out support as opposed to other diseases. You're not alone. We can help each other heal. I'm so grateful for that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
majool, so glad you found us and please remember you don't have to do anything right now just please come back as often as you like we're here for you. We all understand how frightened you are so please take some deep breaths, keep posting and read as much as you can on this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
I am so grateful that i found this site - you are all amazing, inspirational people. Already, within 24 hours of my first post, i know that i am not on my own in the dark anymore - a little bit of the old, strong me is maybe not as lost as i thought. Today is the first day i havent cried in weeks and its all down to you lot!! xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
So glad to hear that!
Please to try to remember there will be steps back, you'll reach some clarity and than in given situation you won't be able to act on it. Don't feel bad about yourself for it, don't get discouraged, don't beat yourself about it. It is all part of the process. IMHO in every step back along the way you'll learn something new and valuable. It takes time to get where you're heading. Take it easy on yourself.
I'm saying all this just in case you don't feel too well tonight or tomorrow or the next day. Your train of thoughts has developed in certain pattern and it takes time to break from it and learn the new ones. So just wanted to let you know it is a process with its ups and downs, and we'll be here for you through it all.
Again, so glad you're feeling better today.
HUGS
Please to try to remember there will be steps back, you'll reach some clarity and than in given situation you won't be able to act on it. Don't feel bad about yourself for it, don't get discouraged, don't beat yourself about it. It is all part of the process. IMHO in every step back along the way you'll learn something new and valuable. It takes time to get where you're heading. Take it easy on yourself.
I'm saying all this just in case you don't feel too well tonight or tomorrow or the next day. Your train of thoughts has developed in certain pattern and it takes time to break from it and learn the new ones. So just wanted to let you know it is a process with its ups and downs, and we'll be here for you through it all.
Again, so glad you're feeling better today.
HUGS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
thought things were getting better....
i haven't been on here for ages. felt i could cope and things seemed to get better. Then a few weeks back, i found out about something he had done a while back. He was p***ed off with me at the time, and drunk. This thing hurt me beyond belief. He swore the drinking would stop as a result. It didnt. I got to the point where i seriously couldnt do it anymore, and couldnt live with the pain. I thought about ways in which to 'end it all' - however, as my own father commited suicide, i knew the feelings my children would be left with for the rest of their lives. When i got some clarity, my mind was pretty set on going - i felt i had the strength, and even found a house not far away that i could afford. But yet again, i believed him when he said it would stop. He lasted three weeks - i was so so proud, and i finally felt like he was with me for love, not convenience. Then he went and got drunk. I didnt get angry, i just vowed to help him get back on track. This was a week ago. We have come back from a holiday today - he drank last night - not much, but i know that even a little is too much. Now, because he knows i am angry and upset, he has turned it on me and gone out to get away from me. God, i just need some strength. I am so utterly confused, and frightened, and its so hard to not feel its all my fault.
I am so sorry that i haven't been here to offer support to others for a while - i feel like i am using people, and only taking from you all, not giving. I will try harder!!
I am so sorry that i haven't been here to offer support to others for a while - i feel like i am using people, and only taking from you all, not giving. I will try harder!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I get from people in the middle of it all an increased resolved to stay on the path of recovery. It is not all take.
Be gentle with yourself this is a hard time, any support you can get is needed and done out of care and concern, not about keeping tabs.
Be gentle with yourself this is a hard time, any support you can get is needed and done out of care and concern, not about keeping tabs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs.
I look at this, and Al-Anon, sort of like when I go on group hikes. Someone in the group gets a blister, so someone else stops and helps bandage their foot. Someone's really heavy and having a hard time on the steep uphills, so someone else takes their backpack for a while. Then on the downhill, the person with the blister supports the gal with the bad knee. And the heavy person shares his water with the one who carried his pack.
Nobody keeps track, nobody keeps tabs. It's just what we do when we're on a journey together. We do what we can to help each other get to where we're going.
I look at this, and Al-Anon, sort of like when I go on group hikes. Someone in the group gets a blister, so someone else stops and helps bandage their foot. Someone's really heavy and having a hard time on the steep uphills, so someone else takes their backpack for a while. Then on the downhill, the person with the blister supports the gal with the bad knee. And the heavy person shares his water with the one who carried his pack.
Nobody keeps track, nobody keeps tabs. It's just what we do when we're on a journey together. We do what we can to help each other get to where we're going.
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