dont know what to do
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Actually, it's not about him and his addiction, it really is about you and your children.
What do you want for your children? How are you going to set a good example for them, how are you going to positively mold their future...you hold the key in the palm of your hand...put the key in the lock, open the door and move forward...if not for you...for them.
Don't worry about being proud of him ...focus on you, so that can develop pride in yourself. Until you get healthy...nothing will be right, for you or your children.
Recovery from codependency is a long, hard journey..progress, not perfection is the healthy mindset.
What do you want for your children? How are you going to set a good example for them, how are you going to positively mold their future...you hold the key in the palm of your hand...put the key in the lock, open the door and move forward...if not for you...for them.
Don't worry about being proud of him ...focus on you, so that can develop pride in yourself. Until you get healthy...nothing will be right, for you or your children.
Recovery from codependency is a long, hard journey..progress, not perfection is the healthy mindset.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I haven't been to this place in months, and I only came back today and found your new post. It kind of feels like HP has brought me here to give a helping hand, and still I find it difficult to find the right words.
To put it bluntly what you're doing right now is the dance. the crazy dance we dance with our addicted partners. He does or says this or that and than you do or say this and that, and on and on it goes, while in the meantime your own life in on hold. Don't get me wrong I'm not judging, God knows it did it for years, I wanted him to love me, I wanted kids and me to matter to him, as much as he did to me, I wanted him to be a normal man, a decent humand being, a good husband and father, but more than anything I wanted him sober, and I felt it was MY RESPNSIBILITY to make that happen.
Not that it was not my responsiblity, but even if it was there was no way in hell I could do it, as it wasn't up to me. None of it. I was as crazy as he was, as, as much as he, I wanted things to be my way, it doesn't really matter that my way was what one would call a proper way, and his was addiction, it only matters that I wanted something I couldn't have as me getting what I want needed other person to do what he didn't want to do. It is as simple at as.
My RAH is in recovery for one year now, his recovery has nothing to do with me. I dind't make it happen, he did. Also, he has nothing to do with my recovery, he didn't make it happen, I did. I'd be where I am right now even if he is still drinking. I would be very sad for him, I'd feel pain for him, but it would not jepardise my recovery, as nothing is as important as my own recovery, because if I don't do well I can not be a good mother to my kids.
Life comes with choices, difficult ones, we can stay on the floor and cry because we feel life is not fair to us, we're not getting what we deserve or whatever, but if we stay on that floor and do nothing about it nothing is going to change. That change is in us, and it only up to us to decide to move and make things better for ourselves.
The way I see it the thing that does us no favors is hope. we keep hoping things will change, we keep hoping he'll get it (some A's go into recovery, so statistically there is a chance), and as we are hoping we do nothing, we wait, we wait for someone else to make sense of our own life. I believe that to be the craziest thing ever, and turst me I know since I did it for years, and I'd be still doing it if I didn't decide I'm not responsible (for anything or anyone in this world except for myself and my kids), if I didn't give myself persmission to start moving, to start changing, to start making difficult choices with now guaratee on the outcome, to take that leap of faith, to love the child in me that is scared of everything, and to be a grown up, I'd still be on that floor, crying and asking for help that I didn't want to take, as it wasn't the kind of help I wanted, the kind of help that was going to fix the whole world.
Please, don't think I'm judging you, all of this has comes from experience, from my journey that has made me a completely different person from who I was when I first joined this site. We all walk at our own pace, and we all learn from our own experience. I hope you'll start working on your own recovery, and I hope you'll remember not to base your own happiness on somebody else's actions.
You have it in you, we all do, it is only a matter of willingness to dig deep and find it, and than do something about it.
Love yourself and take care
To put it bluntly what you're doing right now is the dance. the crazy dance we dance with our addicted partners. He does or says this or that and than you do or say this and that, and on and on it goes, while in the meantime your own life in on hold. Don't get me wrong I'm not judging, God knows it did it for years, I wanted him to love me, I wanted kids and me to matter to him, as much as he did to me, I wanted him to be a normal man, a decent humand being, a good husband and father, but more than anything I wanted him sober, and I felt it was MY RESPNSIBILITY to make that happen.
Not that it was not my responsiblity, but even if it was there was no way in hell I could do it, as it wasn't up to me. None of it. I was as crazy as he was, as, as much as he, I wanted things to be my way, it doesn't really matter that my way was what one would call a proper way, and his was addiction, it only matters that I wanted something I couldn't have as me getting what I want needed other person to do what he didn't want to do. It is as simple at as.
My RAH is in recovery for one year now, his recovery has nothing to do with me. I dind't make it happen, he did. Also, he has nothing to do with my recovery, he didn't make it happen, I did. I'd be where I am right now even if he is still drinking. I would be very sad for him, I'd feel pain for him, but it would not jepardise my recovery, as nothing is as important as my own recovery, because if I don't do well I can not be a good mother to my kids.
Life comes with choices, difficult ones, we can stay on the floor and cry because we feel life is not fair to us, we're not getting what we deserve or whatever, but if we stay on that floor and do nothing about it nothing is going to change. That change is in us, and it only up to us to decide to move and make things better for ourselves.
The way I see it the thing that does us no favors is hope. we keep hoping things will change, we keep hoping he'll get it (some A's go into recovery, so statistically there is a chance), and as we are hoping we do nothing, we wait, we wait for someone else to make sense of our own life. I believe that to be the craziest thing ever, and turst me I know since I did it for years, and I'd be still doing it if I didn't decide I'm not responsible (for anything or anyone in this world except for myself and my kids), if I didn't give myself persmission to start moving, to start changing, to start making difficult choices with now guaratee on the outcome, to take that leap of faith, to love the child in me that is scared of everything, and to be a grown up, I'd still be on that floor, crying and asking for help that I didn't want to take, as it wasn't the kind of help I wanted, the kind of help that was going to fix the whole world.
Please, don't think I'm judging you, all of this has comes from experience, from my journey that has made me a completely different person from who I was when I first joined this site. We all walk at our own pace, and we all learn from our own experience. I hope you'll start working on your own recovery, and I hope you'll remember not to base your own happiness on somebody else's actions.
You have it in you, we all do, it is only a matter of willingness to dig deep and find it, and than do something about it.
Love yourself and take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
sesh, so good and so sad to see your name again!
I dont feel judged in anyway - you have got it absolutely spot on - you have said all that i feel and i know, but cant put into words.
The hard thing is that i constantly question if I've got this wrong, and am blowing it out of proportion. then i feel guilty for losing faith in him. But i know, deep down, that I am not wrong. But i am a cliche - when its good its fantastic, when its not good, only I, and sometimes the children (through my state of mind if nothing else)seem to be bothered - he just carries on as if nothings wrong other than my 'mood'. Giving up the good is so frightening, and i dont know if i'm ready to stop giving him chances. Very confused, and angry, scared etc etc. In some ways i do feel strong, but in others i feel like a 5 year old again - i know i have to toughen up, but its such an alien concept to me.
Thank you for being there again! Thinking of you, and sending love & hugs xx
I dont feel judged in anyway - you have got it absolutely spot on - you have said all that i feel and i know, but cant put into words.
The hard thing is that i constantly question if I've got this wrong, and am blowing it out of proportion. then i feel guilty for losing faith in him. But i know, deep down, that I am not wrong. But i am a cliche - when its good its fantastic, when its not good, only I, and sometimes the children (through my state of mind if nothing else)seem to be bothered - he just carries on as if nothings wrong other than my 'mood'. Giving up the good is so frightening, and i dont know if i'm ready to stop giving him chances. Very confused, and angry, scared etc etc. In some ways i do feel strong, but in others i feel like a 5 year old again - i know i have to toughen up, but its such an alien concept to me.
Thank you for being there again! Thinking of you, and sending love & hugs xx
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