Finally Hit My Rock Bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Bel Air MD
Posts: 3
Finally Hit My Rock Bottom
This is my first post and I want to thank god for this group and Alanon. Here is some background on me and my rah.
Three years ago, our whole world came apart. I ended up in the hospital sufferring from a major depression that stemmed from me trying to cover up the mess my husband and my life had become. I started to work on myself and my husband went in and out of sobriety for a while. Thankfully he has been sober for 18 months. But i never worked on myself with Alanon. We seperated and then reconciled and have been trying to improve our life.
So, now we have began to deal with the financial mess we have made and my rah has went back to the same thoughts that he had years ago when this mess came up. He doesn't know if he wants to stay, he hates me sometimes, he blames me, he doesn't know if he loves me. etc etc. Its like a record player that he plays everytime this mess comes up.
I have went to alanon meetings off and on for the past 18 months and never really put alot into. Over the past month and 1/2 i have started to realize how sick i truly am. I have turned into the person i never wanted to be . I am mean, bitter, controlling etc. This disease has destroyed me and i have hit my rock bottom. So, i have been working on Alanon very hard over the past month and 1/2 .
Now he says that me doing alanon might be too late for him and that he has been asking me to do this for a while. Ugh, which hurts becuase i stood by him for so long while he figured it all out.
So, i am trying to figure out what the correct thing to do is and how to react to him. I have basically told him that he needs to take time to figure out if these are his true feelings or if this is his usual reaction out of fear and quilt from the mess we have made. I also told him that I understand that he needs to take time to figure this out just like i need time to work on myself. I told him i know the person i have become and that it is a very nice person and that i was sorry.
So, he helps me with our children at night when i go to alanon and in the mornings becuase i go to work very early. Every other minute is being spent with aa and his aa friends. He has slept in our spare bedroom for the past two nights.
I am trying so hard to turn this over to god but i cant stop feeling this huge ball of anxiety and fear through out my body. Am i handling this the right way. I have always tried to control him and i feel like i need to let him work this out on his own. just like i need to. Help??
Three years ago, our whole world came apart. I ended up in the hospital sufferring from a major depression that stemmed from me trying to cover up the mess my husband and my life had become. I started to work on myself and my husband went in and out of sobriety for a while. Thankfully he has been sober for 18 months. But i never worked on myself with Alanon. We seperated and then reconciled and have been trying to improve our life.
So, now we have began to deal with the financial mess we have made and my rah has went back to the same thoughts that he had years ago when this mess came up. He doesn't know if he wants to stay, he hates me sometimes, he blames me, he doesn't know if he loves me. etc etc. Its like a record player that he plays everytime this mess comes up.
I have went to alanon meetings off and on for the past 18 months and never really put alot into. Over the past month and 1/2 i have started to realize how sick i truly am. I have turned into the person i never wanted to be . I am mean, bitter, controlling etc. This disease has destroyed me and i have hit my rock bottom. So, i have been working on Alanon very hard over the past month and 1/2 .
Now he says that me doing alanon might be too late for him and that he has been asking me to do this for a while. Ugh, which hurts becuase i stood by him for so long while he figured it all out.
So, i am trying to figure out what the correct thing to do is and how to react to him. I have basically told him that he needs to take time to figure out if these are his true feelings or if this is his usual reaction out of fear and quilt from the mess we have made. I also told him that I understand that he needs to take time to figure this out just like i need time to work on myself. I told him i know the person i have become and that it is a very nice person and that i was sorry.
So, he helps me with our children at night when i go to alanon and in the mornings becuase i go to work very early. Every other minute is being spent with aa and his aa friends. He has slept in our spare bedroom for the past two nights.
I am trying so hard to turn this over to god but i cant stop feeling this huge ball of anxiety and fear through out my body. Am i handling this the right way. I have always tried to control him and i feel like i need to let him work this out on his own. just like i need to. Help??
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I am glad you found us, as this site is a wonderful resource of information and support. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and tell us some of your story.
I am sorry about the feelings (old and new) that have come up in your relationship. I believe you are doing the healthy thing by looking at yourself and how you are handling this situation.
I know I could feel myself growing in recovery when I practiced responding to situations instead of reacting to them. I had lived in a constant state of anticipation and reaction while living with active alcoholism. I handled other realtionship issues (professional/personal) the same way: reacting, overreacting, underreacting.
It helps my anxiety if I can take a step back and look at my choices and choose a healthy response. Easier said than done, right?
My goal is progress, not perfection. I did not develop an unhealthy reflex to react to situations overnight, so I need to give myself time to unlearn that approach and develop my response skills.
Do you feel some of the fear and anxiety are based on a fear of the unknown? The new approach of healthy responses can feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean it is wrong. Just different.
I counseled myself to embrace the uncertainty in life. I made some big changes and I needed to accept the uncertainty of outcomes. I was doing things differently and hoping for better outcomes.
Financial messes are a trigger for me. I understand the stress that goes with them.
For today, practice doing the next right thing. Take care of yourself and keep working your program.
Sending hugs and encouragement!
I am glad you found us, as this site is a wonderful resource of information and support. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and tell us some of your story.
I am sorry about the feelings (old and new) that have come up in your relationship. I believe you are doing the healthy thing by looking at yourself and how you are handling this situation.
I know I could feel myself growing in recovery when I practiced responding to situations instead of reacting to them. I had lived in a constant state of anticipation and reaction while living with active alcoholism. I handled other realtionship issues (professional/personal) the same way: reacting, overreacting, underreacting.
It helps my anxiety if I can take a step back and look at my choices and choose a healthy response. Easier said than done, right?
My goal is progress, not perfection. I did not develop an unhealthy reflex to react to situations overnight, so I need to give myself time to unlearn that approach and develop my response skills.
Do you feel some of the fear and anxiety are based on a fear of the unknown? The new approach of healthy responses can feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean it is wrong. Just different.
I counseled myself to embrace the uncertainty in life. I made some big changes and I needed to accept the uncertainty of outcomes. I was doing things differently and hoping for better outcomes.
Financial messes are a trigger for me. I understand the stress that goes with them.
For today, practice doing the next right thing. Take care of yourself and keep working your program.
Sending hugs and encouragement!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 16
Our situations sound very similar. Loooong time married for me, husband got sober (no program). Things seemed to be going along and then he "was done" and said pretty much the same things your husband said. And yes, I too, was mean, bitter, controlling, wracked with anxiety and depression. We should start a club-Oh wait, there already is-Al Anon!
Money issues are a real trigger for me. I am in the midst of one right now but I know I don't have to do anything right this minute. I can wait and review my options to figure the best course for me. I used to worry a problem to death and felt that I had to have the correct answer right now. I've learned to pause and the world will not come to an end. The little blue ODAT book reading for today included this: Troubles grow bigger as we spend more and more time thinking about them. I will interrupt such thoughts with a meditation whenever the weight is too much for me.
It takes realizing you need help to be able to get help. I find that when I can focus on my recovery and on being the person I want to be, I have great days. It's when I get on the worry train about what he is or isn't going to do that my life sucks. I go to meetings, read, come here, do meditation, yoga, ride my bike. All things that improve me in some way. I can'say enough about avoiding HALT-hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That will do me in for a whole day.
Take care of the only person you really have control of-YOU. But remember there is no magic pill, grief takes time and truly working on you every day.
Money issues are a real trigger for me. I am in the midst of one right now but I know I don't have to do anything right this minute. I can wait and review my options to figure the best course for me. I used to worry a problem to death and felt that I had to have the correct answer right now. I've learned to pause and the world will not come to an end. The little blue ODAT book reading for today included this: Troubles grow bigger as we spend more and more time thinking about them. I will interrupt such thoughts with a meditation whenever the weight is too much for me.
It takes realizing you need help to be able to get help. I find that when I can focus on my recovery and on being the person I want to be, I have great days. It's when I get on the worry train about what he is or isn't going to do that my life sucks. I go to meetings, read, come here, do meditation, yoga, ride my bike. All things that improve me in some way. I can'say enough about avoiding HALT-hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That will do me in for a whole day.
Take care of the only person you really have control of-YOU. But remember there is no magic pill, grief takes time and truly working on you every day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Hello Readytoheal,
Thank you for your posting,I can identify with you on every aspect,especially money worries were for me a terrible trigger too,(I'd start the all what if's-I can't meet this bill ,that bill-never ending stuff) I dont know how your A is reacting or thinking ,this is just a thought on my part-that maybe he too has the same trigger's,could be he's as worried as you,- know this maybe hard ,that maybe a heart to heart on that matter with him could help.
I had to keep going to Al-anon meets and find out as much as you could about this disease,I too have met some wonderful AA members(with long term sobriety who have imparted some of their wisdom onto me about this disease too.)it really helped me,and me finding this forum just a few weeks ago is helping too ,between FtF meetings.
All best wishes
Thank you for your posting,I can identify with you on every aspect,especially money worries were for me a terrible trigger too,(I'd start the all what if's-I can't meet this bill ,that bill-never ending stuff) I dont know how your A is reacting or thinking ,this is just a thought on my part-that maybe he too has the same trigger's,could be he's as worried as you,- know this maybe hard ,that maybe a heart to heart on that matter with him could help.
I had to keep going to Al-anon meets and find out as much as you could about this disease,I too have met some wonderful AA members(with long term sobriety who have imparted some of their wisdom onto me about this disease too.)it really helped me,and me finding this forum just a few weeks ago is helping too ,between FtF meetings.
All best wishes
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