Sunday morning and the real question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere's east of the suez where a man can raise a thirst..where there aint no ten commandments and the best is like the worst
Posts: 15
Sunday morning and the real question
It's sunday morning and feeling a bit depressed. Yesterday was our annual family fun day where we do the Xmas downtown thing(pics w/santa, ride a carousel, the whole shebang). And I had a great day w/ the exception of my recovering wife and near teen son. I'm sure many out there know how hard it is to go out and embrace family unity when there is nothing good to be said by half the family.
Awhile back, I posted asking when is was my turn to be apologized to and when it was her turn to make amends. I really did receive some good input, and it really did affirm what I already knew. there is no time frame, and it really may never happen. I can't control it, so I just need to decide how I let it affect me.
I think the real question should have been, when is it time to move on?
I really do love my wife. when we connect, it's the warmest most wonderful place on earth. But are the moments enough to make up for the rest of the time?
It's hard to find a nice flow in how to write this. There are a ton Of details I want to add. About how she hurts me deeply with little verbal jabs. The flashes of anger, the mood swings, the inconsistences. I want to talk about how being around her makes me feel so useless, and stupid. I want to mention how after rehab she left me briefly and took my sons, and I let her because I thought it was best for her, not necessarily them. And how if I left now, they would come with me. And how afraid I would be for her safety(diagnosed bi-polar, unmedicated). About how I feel she uses her past and present weaknesses to manipulate me, while my past is fair game to assault me with. A lot of this screams out emotional abuse to me from what I know. Am I supposed to stay in this sort of situation? Is it healthy for me and my boys to keep here?
We just celebrated the 13th aniversary of our first date. We both still remember most of the date. We saw a movie, had coffee afters and I rode her home on my scooter through a cold Seattle night, not even taking the standard good night kiss. We have lived through almost 11 years married, and many have been difficult. We've had serous injuries to the children, we've had really bad alcoholism, and have bought and lost our first house. We've made it through all of it, because we both feel marriage is for keeps, Better or worse and all that implies. And even when she left, I stubbornly kept fighting even when it seemed she gave up. I'm really tired though. And I'm not sure if I'm fighting alone again.
Awhile back, I posted asking when is was my turn to be apologized to and when it was her turn to make amends. I really did receive some good input, and it really did affirm what I already knew. there is no time frame, and it really may never happen. I can't control it, so I just need to decide how I let it affect me.
I think the real question should have been, when is it time to move on?
I really do love my wife. when we connect, it's the warmest most wonderful place on earth. But are the moments enough to make up for the rest of the time?
It's hard to find a nice flow in how to write this. There are a ton Of details I want to add. About how she hurts me deeply with little verbal jabs. The flashes of anger, the mood swings, the inconsistences. I want to talk about how being around her makes me feel so useless, and stupid. I want to mention how after rehab she left me briefly and took my sons, and I let her because I thought it was best for her, not necessarily them. And how if I left now, they would come with me. And how afraid I would be for her safety(diagnosed bi-polar, unmedicated). About how I feel she uses her past and present weaknesses to manipulate me, while my past is fair game to assault me with. A lot of this screams out emotional abuse to me from what I know. Am I supposed to stay in this sort of situation? Is it healthy for me and my boys to keep here?
We just celebrated the 13th aniversary of our first date. We both still remember most of the date. We saw a movie, had coffee afters and I rode her home on my scooter through a cold Seattle night, not even taking the standard good night kiss. We have lived through almost 11 years married, and many have been difficult. We've had serous injuries to the children, we've had really bad alcoholism, and have bought and lost our first house. We've made it through all of it, because we both feel marriage is for keeps, Better or worse and all that implies. And even when she left, I stubbornly kept fighting even when it seemed she gave up. I'm really tired though. And I'm not sure if I'm fighting alone again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere's east of the suez where a man can raise a thirst..where there aint no ten commandments and the best is like the worst
Posts: 15
Just a note, aint it great how good it feels just to get something out that's been sticking.?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Werelemming,
You ARE fighting alone. The only one you can change is you.
My question is...do you love the you ARE with or do you love the one you wish you were with or the one you used to be with? Can you picture yourself 10 years from now living the way you are living now?
In my relationship there is far more good than bad. It took changing my focus to see that. I had to learn to stop expecting and start accepting.
That being said we have had horrendous times, horrendous holidays and horrendous vacations. Our marriage did get better as I grew myself, but today I am married one day at a time and with my eyes wide open.
I believe if you are not sure do nothing you may end up regretting. Grow yourself and your answer will be clear.
Hugs,
JT
You ARE fighting alone. The only one you can change is you.
My question is...do you love the you ARE with or do you love the one you wish you were with or the one you used to be with? Can you picture yourself 10 years from now living the way you are living now?
In my relationship there is far more good than bad. It took changing my focus to see that. I had to learn to stop expecting and start accepting.
That being said we have had horrendous times, horrendous holidays and horrendous vacations. Our marriage did get better as I grew myself, but today I am married one day at a time and with my eyes wide open.
I believe if you are not sure do nothing you may end up regretting. Grow yourself and your answer will be clear.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi WL.
Wow. You realize there is quite a contrast between this and your first couple of posts. I'm glad you decided to really get it off your chest. Sometimes a vent is the thing that you need to help you carry on. I know you were worried about being disloyal, but it's only fair for you be able to seek out some understanding ears. And I really applaud you for doing it here in an alanon forum rather than... um... that other way that got you more trouble before.
JT's right. You don't have to decide today. But it's great that you're putting these things out on the table and looking at them.
Hugs,
Smoke
Wow. You realize there is quite a contrast between this and your first couple of posts. I'm glad you decided to really get it off your chest. Sometimes a vent is the thing that you need to help you carry on. I know you were worried about being disloyal, but it's only fair for you be able to seek out some understanding ears. And I really applaud you for doing it here in an alanon forum rather than... um... that other way that got you more trouble before.
JT's right. You don't have to decide today. But it's great that you're putting these things out on the table and looking at them.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
You don't mention if you attend meetings and if you have a sponsor. I found that I healed tremendously through these recovery avenues.
I lived for years with 1/2 of the family who could never seem to have a good time at any outting. I am in recovery now, and I still see people in recovery who could complain or get upset easily. The big difference today is.......I have no expectations.
I think when this goes on in close relationships, it's much harder to tolerate because it's too frequent. With friends who are still negative today, I can exit, stage left.
I do know .... This is the disease of alcoholism. Some recover fast, some slowly. We have to decide about our own recovery and our own attitude. If I'm not enjoying my day, it's not because of anyone else but me. And that......I can change.
I lived for years with 1/2 of the family who could never seem to have a good time at any outting. I am in recovery now, and I still see people in recovery who could complain or get upset easily. The big difference today is.......I have no expectations.
I think when this goes on in close relationships, it's much harder to tolerate because it's too frequent. With friends who are still negative today, I can exit, stage left.
I do know .... This is the disease of alcoholism. Some recover fast, some slowly. We have to decide about our own recovery and our own attitude. If I'm not enjoying my day, it's not because of anyone else but me. And that......I can change.
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